To not write a birthday list for DH

[rocketrabbit]

It's my birthday in a few weeks (normal one, not a big one). As usual DH asked me to send him a list.

I started to write one, then just thought I CBA. Every year I make a list and he never buys anything from it. We play this game where he says he thought those were joke suggestions and I pretend he's right. I have in the past made comments that he ignores the list but that just causes hurt feelings and an argument. But after 20+ years he knows the sort of things I like, he must know that the jacket/bag/jewellery etc I asked for are things I would love to get.

I really struggle with my bday and Christmas anyway, after a childhood where disappointment and then having to pretend to be happy being given something I didn't want was the norm. If I dared show any disappointment I would get a bollocking for being ungrateful.

DH is generous in all other ways but on this just totally falls flat. Why ask for a list if he knows I will ask for things he won't buy.

Aibu for refusing to make a bloody list this year.

Right, so you get him something he’d like. I wonder why he doesn’t do the same for you?

What would happen if you talked to him about it? Dies he know about your family history of Christmases? That makes it even more important that he is kind and thoughtful on your birthday.

Its not a you problem. Its definitely a him problem. I have been happily married for 30 years. Your dh should actively care about getting it right. That is what a good friend/partner/husband does. He wants to celebrate you! You deserve to be celebrated!! If not by anyone else in the world then still, always, specifically, by him.

Expecting the man who claims to love you and who has been part of your life for years to choose a nice gift from a selection of suggestions that you have made is NOT a you problem. Partners who cannot be arsed to make any effort for a loved ones birthday are atrocious partners. This makes me beyond cross on your behalf. Even my 100 year old grandfather- bought up in the Great Depression and through the war, with no clue about shopping or ‘women’s things’ could extend himself to buy my grandmother what she would like for her birthday, chose my 16th birthday present etc… because he wa a good man and he loved us.

Your husband is a cunt. And a complete weirdo.

Just read your post about what you by your husband. I would suggest next time get a box of chocolate's. Then if he complains it is not what he wanted you can use the’i thought you were joking line’

You’ve managed to marry an abusive husband that has taken over where your mother left off. This man is a narcissist and he’s controlling you with this as well as showing you exactly how much he thinks you’re worth to him - a cheap box of chocolates 😳 please don’t be like me and spend most of your life putting up with it and letting him get away with it because otherwise he gets stroppy!! I bet you go above and beyond for his birthday but you have to even buy your own birthday cake don’t you?

Jesus, he's your husband - just be honest with him that it upsets you & tell him explicitly what you'd like. 🤷‍♀️

Oh OP, this sounds miserable.

Would you be out shopping with him and say "I'd like this pair of boots for my birthday please" (or something along those lines!)

If not, write one thing on your list and say I want this one option, in addition to my chocolates, thanks.

This is so weird (though I don’t understand why you couldn’t go on the London eye while pregnant, unless you live really far away and couldn’t travel?

Is your DH Father Christmas?

Because that's just what happened to me - he always got me the wrong things, and sometimes NOTHING at all! I stopped writing to him in the end as it was pointless, and anyway being on a pension, I found that the stamps were making it very expensive.

There's a lot to unpick in this post, but no, I haven't married a narcissist. I don't want to go into too much detail about my parents but my father had NPD (diagnosed) and I know what that looks like. I am not living with that. There's a communication problem over my birthday, clearly, which I am partly responsible for, but in day to day life that is not how the relationship operates. If I said to DH I put these things on the list because I desperately want them he would step up. What I've got is a deep seated terror of saying this is what I really want, a mental stumbling block really. DH would be upset that he hadn't realised. I want him to understand without me having to spell it out because the thought of spelling it out and upsetting him makes me so anxious, which is a childhood hangover. (I've had a lot of therapy, paid for, suggested by and supported by DH). I am also really struggling this year because my mother has been absolutely foul to me over the last 12 months, TBH our relationship is probably finally over, and I'm anxious about her wanting to make contact because it's my birthday. I feel like I'm braced for disaster.

I've never had to buy my own cake.

He would be baffled as to why I hadn't just bought them already (one joint pot of money and he's never bothered about me buying anything, he earns considerably more than I do)

36 weeks pregnant, a saturday afternoon in peak summer season, and yes, I would have needed to travel. If you could manage the London eye in those circumstances you are a lot better at managing pregnancy than I was.

"We play this game where he says he thought those were joke suggestions and I pretend he's right."

You've been hauled into his family's weird there!

This year just tell him. You are tired of having to pretend it doesn't matter. Give him a list of things you would love to have, got to town on it. Tell him it's the last one you will ever write, he can do with it as he will. What YOU won't do is play silly games to hide your hurt feelings any more

And no, HIS feelings don't count. It's YOUR birthday!

the thought of spelling it out and upsetting him makes me so anxious

Aren't you literally spelling it out already by giving him a list? And he's not bothered about upsetting you is he.

This sounds a bit like DH and I- one pot of money and TBH neither of us really needs a birthday present as we would just buy it ourselves.

Would it help to have a conversation about what both of you think a suitable birthday present looks like going forward for each of you? Do you even want presents or is a day out a better option?

DH and I managed the romantic knowing what the other wanted for about 5 years, after which clearly the hormones had worn off and we bought some terrible gifts.

A sit down to agree what we both thought a present looked like, how much it cost and how it would be asked for killed a lot of the romance but ended all the disappointment and recriminations.

Give him back the chocolates he bought you.

Surely its easier to buy your own 'present' as and when you want it? Its hardly a surprise anyway and I guess its coming out of a joint account. It just seems so ridiculous to me.

I'd flat out refuse to give him a list and simply tell him I'm taking £x out of the joint account to buy something I would like.

Update, if anyone is interested:

I decided to just ask for what I actually wanted, so I asked for a specific necklace. DH said 'i'll get that for you if that's what you want' which evolved into 'I'll get you something like that for your next big birthday (which is in 2 years) which became 'I'll get you something like that for our next big anniversary' (which is in 3 years). So I kind of knew in advance he wasn't going to buy it, but I suppose I was still hoping. He kept up the 'what do you want' conversation a bit longer, and suggested getting tickets for something we want to see that we'd already agreed to get tickets for, and I have money put aside for. I said I didn't want that as a birthday present. Fwiw - he's on a comfortable 6 figure salary, we have no debts, no mortgage, and we have savings, and I asked for something reasonable that is in the sale.

No prizes for guessing what I was given. He said 'is this alright you're not upset that I didn't get what you asked for' and has spent the morning pawing at me and trying to be affectionate. He wants reassurance that it's alright that he didn't get what I asked for. But it's not alright and I'm tired of pretending not to be disappointed every birthday.

I feel like bursting into tears but I don't want my kids to know I'm upset. I was stupid to get my hopes up. I'll get over it, I always do. Next year I'll just go back to saying I don't want anything. I'm tired of thinking up birthday requests where what I actually want is irrelevant and I suggest things based on what I think the other person will want to buy.

My mother sent me what has to be the smallest box of chocolates she could find (it's got 4 little truffles in it).

Happy birthday OP. I'm sorry you didn't get what you wanted. Order it for yourself today. Ideally with his credit card.

Don't reassure him - tell him you ARE upset and why!

I’m so sorry, OP. He’s crap and the fact that he’s trying to get reassurance on his actions means he knows it. That he does it, knowing your mum has always been crap to you on these things is worse.

I’m so sad for you - my mum and DH are the same (except for a very few instances in the latter case). Teach your kids the joy of proper gift giving so they don't grow up to do the same (and maybe they’ll be the ones to give you kind, thoughtful gifts that you actually want as they get older.

But why didn't he get what you asked for? What's his logic?

Happy birthday op. I'm so sorry for your disappointment. You sound so self aware about why you react as you do, but I do think the time has come to say that actually it's not ok. Maybe considering the message you are sending your children will give you the strength to be honest? You would not want history to repeat itself with them accepting this for themselves, would you?