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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

To not accept this is all my fault

127 replies

FraggleRed · 24/08/2025 11:39

Went out yesterday to the beach with my partner of 6 years and my 3 children. Partner drove his campervan down a steep incline to the beach. Partway through the afternoon I used his keys to open the van and put them on the bench inside. When leaving I, and my 2 daughters, walked up to my car (parked in car park on top of cliffs) and he said he would follow in the van with my son. Unbeknownst to me, he had tidied up before leaving and knocked the keys on the floor. Apparently this is all my fault as I had the keys last and didn't tell him where they were. I had no idea he didn't know where the keys were as he gave no indication he hadn't seen them before I left. He then proceeded to walk to the car park, shouting and screaming at me in front of the children. He refused to believe they were in the van as he had "searched every inch" and accused me of taking them. When I said I had put them on the bench he stormed off saying he would call the AA. I started walking to help him look and halfway down he drove past having found the keys on the floor. He then shouted at me again saying it was all my fault, wouldn't let me speak, kept shouting over me demanding I say sorry. I said I understood he was frustrated etc but I had been entirely unaware of the situation. It was an accident. He still kept shouting (anger is his default) then drove off. This is a cycle that keeps happening- anything that goes wrong is always my fault and he keeps saying that until I get so confused I apologise to keep the peace. AIBU to not do that this time? Shouting at me in front of my children is a recent development and I don't want my son (9) to think this is how men speak to women or my daughters (16 and 9) to accept this is how women are treated. But yet again I'm left questioning myself and wondering if I'm in the wrong.

OP posts:
persianfairyfloss · 24/08/2025 11:40

He's a prick.

swampwitch0 · 24/08/2025 11:41

And you're happy for your kids to witness him abusing you?
Poor kids.

ragdollyanna1974 · 24/08/2025 11:41

This will only get worse.
Ask me how I know.

LittleOwl153 · 24/08/2025 11:42

Nah, chuck him back...

Mumofsoontobe3 · 24/08/2025 11:43

Nope. He has absolutely no reason to be shouting at you, how embarrassing for you to be treated that way. Especially in public - not that it's any less worse in a private setting. I wound have a stern conversation about his vicious verbal attacks and get your ducks in a row to leave. What a horrible way to treat you, no one deserves that. I understand conversations can be heated but that is extreme. Frustrated or not nothing will ever justify that.

BeltaLodaLife · 24/08/2025 11:45

If anger is his default and he has always been like this then how did he make it past 6 months?
How desperate do you need to be for a man to think, “yeah, this is the guy for me.”

What are you even doing? Seriously.

Pineapplewaves · 24/08/2025 11:46

You should have handed him the keys back or told him where you had put them. You shouldn’t have assumed he would know where you put them. He was allowed to be annoyed with you about the situation. I would have been hacked off with DP if this had happened.

Shouting at you loudly in front of your kids and everyone else around you was not acceptable.

BeltaLodaLife · 24/08/2025 11:49

As much as a I think he is an ass though, you borrowed the keys and instead of returning them, you just left them sitting on the bench inside the van? You wouldn’t generally leave keys to a vehicle sitting in that vehicle and if you borrow someone’s keys the you hand them back. In this particular instance, what you did was wrong. BUT his reaction is not normal or ok. People do things wrong all the time in relationships; the difference is that you just speak to each other. No one should be yelling, no one should be going at each other with such anger. He should have just spoken to you calmly, you’d apologise and help look and it would be a normal interaction. His reaction, his yelling, his anger… it’s all just wrong. Why would you be with someone with such anger?

aCatCalledFawkes · 24/08/2025 11:49

He's abusive, you need to get rid of him.

Zempy · 24/08/2025 11:50

Yeah, dump him. Life is too short for this shit.

Chiseltip · 24/08/2025 11:52

FraggleRed · 24/08/2025 11:39

Went out yesterday to the beach with my partner of 6 years and my 3 children. Partner drove his campervan down a steep incline to the beach. Partway through the afternoon I used his keys to open the van and put them on the bench inside. When leaving I, and my 2 daughters, walked up to my car (parked in car park on top of cliffs) and he said he would follow in the van with my son. Unbeknownst to me, he had tidied up before leaving and knocked the keys on the floor. Apparently this is all my fault as I had the keys last and didn't tell him where they were. I had no idea he didn't know where the keys were as he gave no indication he hadn't seen them before I left. He then proceeded to walk to the car park, shouting and screaming at me in front of the children. He refused to believe they were in the van as he had "searched every inch" and accused me of taking them. When I said I had put them on the bench he stormed off saying he would call the AA. I started walking to help him look and halfway down he drove past having found the keys on the floor. He then shouted at me again saying it was all my fault, wouldn't let me speak, kept shouting over me demanding I say sorry. I said I understood he was frustrated etc but I had been entirely unaware of the situation. It was an accident. He still kept shouting (anger is his default) then drove off. This is a cycle that keeps happening- anything that goes wrong is always my fault and he keeps saying that until I get so confused I apologise to keep the peace. AIBU to not do that this time? Shouting at me in front of my children is a recent development and I don't want my son (9) to think this is how men speak to women or my daughters (16 and 9) to accept this is how women are treated. But yet again I'm left questioning myself and wondering if I'm in the wrong.

Went out yesterday to the beach with my ex-partner of six years

Just correcting your opening paragraph . .

IhadaStripeyDeckchair · 24/08/2025 11:55

So this man has anger issues, blames you for any issues and is abusive towards you in front of your children.

Why are you continuing with this relationship?
What is it teaching your children about relationships?

MiddleAgeRageMonster · 24/08/2025 11:55

Well leaving the keys in the van and not handing them back to him was entirely your fault and I would be pissed off with you in a similar situation!
He didn't it well though.

OnAMissionToLoseWeight · 24/08/2025 11:58

If you want to develop MH issues and have your children grow up in a dysfunctional household carry on as you are.

I personally would throw this twat back. Even if you were to blame (which you are not) how dare he go off like that never mind im front off the kids.

In summary - he’s a shit partner and a shit father.

Knobbsa · 24/08/2025 11:58

Of course it wasn't your fault.

My lord, your poor children.
How could you put them in a position that they are the victims of such abuse?.
You do realise that your children have been emotionally abused by witnessing this?

What a childhood.
Have you moved him in?
If so get him out.
How could you think your children deserve this?

Stop putting an abuser ahead of your poor children.

AntiBullshit · 24/08/2025 12:01

Show your husband and children this behaviour will not be tolerated and is unacceptable by standing up for yourself.

allthemiddlechildrenoftheworld · 24/08/2025 12:04

@FraggleRed to be honest, you are being unreasonable staying with this arsehole!!!!

Dabberlocks · 24/08/2025 12:05

The only thing you are doing wrong is staying in this relationship.

Ddakji · 24/08/2025 12:08

If you know he’s like this, why are you still with him?

Of course it’s not on but by staying you’re now complicit and if it’s escalated to shouting at you in front of your kids you must leave or take responsibility. Because who your children live with is your responsibility.

BreakfastClubBlues · 24/08/2025 12:09

OP you just cannot allow this to happen to/ in front of your children. If you accept it for yourself, then that's up to you, but he is not their father and they deserve better.

My DH has never shouted at me. We've been together since we were teens and are now in our late thirties. It's not normal.

TheSmallAssassin · 24/08/2025 12:09

Honestly, I could not be with someone who screamed at me like this - there are no excuses for behaving like that, nothing you could do would justify it.

You need this man out of your life.

Hoppinggreen · 24/08/2025 12:12

Even if it WAS your fault (it wasn't) he has no right to treat you like that.
Dump the fucker

Devilsmommy · 24/08/2025 12:13

ragdollyanna1974 · 24/08/2025 11:41

This will only get worse.
Ask me how I know.

Same here. If that's his default setting then I'd get rid of the twat asap

CountryVic · 24/08/2025 12:14

i sincerely hope you took your son out of the motor home, put him in your car and you drove home with your 3 children.
Do you live with this man? He sounds unhinged.

PariahHeep · 24/08/2025 12:15

This is a cycle that keeps happening

Kindly @FraggleRed , what do you think will stop that?