To not accept this is all my fault

[FraggleRed]

Went out yesterday to the beach with my partner of 6 years and my 3 children. Partner drove his campervan down a steep incline to the beach. Partway through the afternoon I used his keys to open the van and put them on the bench inside. When leaving I, and my 2 daughters, walked up to my car (parked in car park on top of cliffs) and he said he would follow in the van with my son. Unbeknownst to me, he had tidied up before leaving and knocked the keys on the floor. Apparently this is all my fault as I had the keys last and didn't tell him where they were. I had no idea he didn't know where the keys were as he gave no indication he hadn't seen them before I left. He then proceeded to walk to the car park, shouting and screaming at me in front of the children. He refused to believe they were in the van as he had "searched every inch" and accused me of taking them. When I said I had put them on the bench he stormed off saying he would call the AA. I started walking to help him look and halfway down he drove past having found the keys on the floor. He then shouted at me again saying it was all my fault, wouldn't let me speak, kept shouting over me demanding I say sorry. I said I understood he was frustrated etc but I had been entirely unaware of the situation. It was an accident. He still kept shouting (anger is his default) then drove off. This is a cycle that keeps happening- anything that goes wrong is always my fault and he keeps saying that until I get so confused I apologise to keep the peace. AIBU to not do that this time? Shouting at me in front of my children is a recent development and I don't want my son (9) to think this is how men speak to women or my daughters (16 and 9) to accept this is how women are treated. But yet again I'm left questioning myself and wondering if I'm in the wrong.

You should’ve handed him the keys back. But he is horrific. You and all the kids deserve better. Run.

I would NEVER allow him to be around my children again. He's absolutely vile.

I'd also bin him completely, but I get the impression you won't do this

But you MUST protect your children from him

How is it your fault he acts like a toddler and can't find something in front of him without mummies help.

It really is the epitome of a cliche that men need women to tell them where things are because they can't find it even if its EXACTLY where it was suppose to be.

The fact he found it instantly when you said where it was shows he hadn't bothered his ass to look.

Yes, he thinks that unless her partner is willing to put in the effort, get professional help and have a lot of introspection then he will not change.

And again, what’s your degree in? How many years have you worked in mental health?

I can understand your partner having a bit of a panic attack when he could not find the keys. Ive done this myself. But then I took a breath and asked myself where I last saw or used them. He could have phoned you to ask if you had seen the keys before kicking off. Things go missing more easily when there are more than one person present. However continuing to take out his spite on you (and the children) by shouting and yelling and continuing to sulk is way out of order.

Have you dumped him yet?

even if you’d walked up triumphantly holding the keys aloft and refusing to let him have them he wouldn’t have been in the right to scream and shout at you. He’s a problem and I’m amazed you’ve put up with this at all.

Presumably he is happy that you didnt leave him and didnt get advised to do that.

Accidentally hit YABU, obvs YANBU but you would be very unreasonable to stay with this cunt any longer and put your kids through having such a man in their lives.

Sounds like he cant, or doesnt want, to keep hiding his angry reactions in front of you any more. Do protect yourself and your dc and get rid, esp as he promised it wouldnt happen again (although we all know that was a load of tosh).

My dh regularly puts my car keys down in random places so I have to hunt for them the next time I go out. Drives me mad but shouting at him wouldnt make it not happen again!

My post grad is in education and child development, I don't work in mental health, but I have worked in safeguarding. A child saying that their Mum's boyfriend had screamed and shouted at her in front of them would warrant a social services referral. In this case, social services would most likely check in, and be happy to hear that OP will not be exposing the children to him again.

I'm sure you know better than social services though since you apparently know everything.

Well, that is no way for any adult to behave IMO
I would now tell him it’s the end of the relationship and we’re done.
LTB

I’d expect someone with a post grad to have the reading comprehension to have understood the relationship and not called this man their step dad, when he isn’t even close to it. You’ve invented a scenario in which this man has parental level involvement and the children and teens have been exposed to living in a domestic abuse environment.

A man shouting at his girlfriend once over car keys does not a trauma make. They are not sitting at home this afternoon traumatised by what happened. The man is not their step dad, has no parental involvement, very little input into their lives and shouted on two occasions… and is now gone. The kids are fine. Social services do not get involved over one argument.

I’d expect someone with a post grad to have the reading comprehension to have understood the relationship and not called this man their step dad, when he isn’t even close to it. You’ve invented a scenario in which this man has parental level involvement and the children and teens have been exposed to living in a domestic abuse environment.

A man shouting at his girlfriend once over car keys does not a trauma make. They are not sitting at home this afternoon traumatised by what happened. The man is not their step dad, has no parental involvement, very little input into their lives and shouted on two occasions… and is now gone. The kids are fine. Social services do not get involved over one argument.

I'd be concerned what was said between 'd'p and ds on the way home after that. Try and sit down with them and see how they feel about what they witnessed. It mightn't be a trauma, but acknowledging it and talking about it if they want to is a good way of making sure they know that you dont accept that behaviour

There are always posters defending the emotional abuse of children on MN.
It's a feature of the site.
Defend the worst of male aggression.

Undoubtedly speaks to their treatment of children and what they choose to accept in their lives.🙄

Then you have the posters who grew up in such environments where their mothers conveniently looked the other way.

THEY are whom I choose to believe when it comes to the upset and confusion that being around such behaviour causes children.

You tolerating this is telling your children that this is acceptable

If you must assign fault to someone over the key then yes it was your fault. However, it was a simple mistake and we all make them, and actually didn’t cause a problem in that you were able to direct him to the key as soon as he asked. Him being a bit irritated would be the most that I could allow in this situation if he was stressed, but even then I’d think he was being a bit of a knob. His behaviour is so far beyond the realms of acceptable I genuinely don’t know where to start with this. He’s abusive and you need to get rid of him.

Only the OP knows how bad this situation was, but at 9 if I saw a very angry verbally aggressive man/partner shouting at my mother it could have potentially effected me. I was a very sensitive child. I think at 9 or 16 it's an upsetting thing to see happen to your mother.

Just reread all your posts. You said you’d told him if he shouted at you in front of your kids again after the last time you were done. If you don’t follow through on this he’ll know that you won’t enforce any boundaries. This is going to get worse not better. You must get rid of him.

This is a cycle that keeps happening- anything that goes wrong is always my fault and he keeps saying that until I get so confused I apologise to keep the peace.

Well done on spotting that this is a pattern. You are aware that if you stay in this relationship, this cycle will continue. There is nothing you can do to stop that happening.

He has never shouted at my children and they have only ever witnessed him yelling at me once before (a few weeks ago) after which we had a frank conversation and I said if it happened again we were done, he apologised and said it would never happen again.

Well done on spotting the escalation in his behaviour and setting a boundary. He is testing that boundary to see if you will accept him shouting at you in front of the children. If you do accept it, then the next escalation will be shouting at them as well. He has shown that he does not respect your boundary. There is nothing you can do to stop that happening again.

You have told him if it happened again we were done. It happened again. So you are done.

Or you can stay and continue to look for excuses to 'let him off' as he escalates his abusive behaviour.

Nailed it

Why are you waiting until it happens again. He would’ve been dumped right there and then!

Is this really a great childhood for your kids? I bet this is a frequent reaction, given you say his default is anger. How many times have the children witnessed this? He’s obviously not the father. What’s your housing situation ie can you get rid of him? I would be very worried about the exposure of his constant temper to the dc.

If "anger is his default", as the OP stated, then this really isn't just a one-off random argument about keys, is it?

Given you seem to have failed to pick up that key piece of information, I suggest it's YOUR reading comprehension and not that of others that needs work here. As well as your understanding of abuse dynamics. Have you considered that your compassion and empathy might need working on too? Not to mention the arrogance. Perhaps you could consider taking it down a notch and try actually being helpful to the OP.