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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

To not accept this is all my fault

127 replies

FraggleRed · 24/08/2025 11:39

Went out yesterday to the beach with my partner of 6 years and my 3 children. Partner drove his campervan down a steep incline to the beach. Partway through the afternoon I used his keys to open the van and put them on the bench inside. When leaving I, and my 2 daughters, walked up to my car (parked in car park on top of cliffs) and he said he would follow in the van with my son. Unbeknownst to me, he had tidied up before leaving and knocked the keys on the floor. Apparently this is all my fault as I had the keys last and didn't tell him where they were. I had no idea he didn't know where the keys were as he gave no indication he hadn't seen them before I left. He then proceeded to walk to the car park, shouting and screaming at me in front of the children. He refused to believe they were in the van as he had "searched every inch" and accused me of taking them. When I said I had put them on the bench he stormed off saying he would call the AA. I started walking to help him look and halfway down he drove past having found the keys on the floor. He then shouted at me again saying it was all my fault, wouldn't let me speak, kept shouting over me demanding I say sorry. I said I understood he was frustrated etc but I had been entirely unaware of the situation. It was an accident. He still kept shouting (anger is his default) then drove off. This is a cycle that keeps happening- anything that goes wrong is always my fault and he keeps saying that until I get so confused I apologise to keep the peace. AIBU to not do that this time? Shouting at me in front of my children is a recent development and I don't want my son (9) to think this is how men speak to women or my daughters (16 and 9) to accept this is how women are treated. But yet again I'm left questioning myself and wondering if I'm in the wrong.

OP posts:
luckylavender · 24/08/2025 12:15

I think he reacted badly but you didn’t communicate well in the first place.

FraggleRed · 24/08/2025 12:16

Thank you for your responses. I absolutely accept that I should have handed him the keys. He returned to the van about an hour later and by that time I had genuinely forgotten all about them. I would have been annoyed myself so completely understand his frustration. It's how he reacts to any inconvenience, big or small, that I have issues with. He has never shouted at my children and they have only ever witnessed him yelling at me once before (a few weeks ago) after which we had a frank conversation and I said if it happened again we were done, he apologised and said it would never happen again. He says he knows he gets angry but it's at the situation not at me so I should just ignore it. Him being a grumpy git is a running 'joke' with his friends. We don't live together, I visit him every second weekend when the kids are with their dad and he comes over to mine when we're both available (we live 45 miles apart). That works for us as I like the home Iife I have with just me and the children. He has always been pleasant to the children, who like him very much. However, it is unacceptable to be shouting in front of them and I won't be continuing with this relationship.

OP posts:
bumbaloo · 24/08/2025 12:17

What’s the bet her never apologises to you

PariahHeep · 24/08/2025 12:19

it is unacceptable to be shouting in front of them and I won't be continuing with this relationship.

I'm so glad to read that. It is unacceptable to be shouting at you whether your children are there or not Flowers

bumbaloo · 24/08/2025 12:19

‘He kept shouting (anger is his default)’

this doesn’t gel with him being a nice man who is pleasant to your dc. If his default is anger they will have witnessed it

Dontletthebedbugsbite2 · 24/08/2025 12:20

Nope. Absolutely not. If you let this go you are telling him and your kids that it's okay. I understand his frustration, but the normal thing to do would have been to phone you & ask where the keys were or if no signal walk up to your car and ask you politely in person if you could help him look. Men like this are full of anger - minor things tip them over the edge and this will not be the last time. Does he apologise & realise he is wrong after things like this? Do you realise you don't deserve this treatment?

Itiswhysofew · 24/08/2025 12:22

Nobody wants a shouty & aggressive partner. Life's not about that. It's good that you're calling time. Stay strong.

TeaBiscuitsNaptime · 24/08/2025 12:22

It's not your fault and I would bet he knows it too. He is in heightened emotions at the moment. I would ignore all that, help him look for the keys, ask him if he's ok, get him a cuppa etc. And chances are he'll apologise after. If not you could certainly mention it again later or tomorrow, that you know it threw him off but just to be careful in how he expresses that because it's not fair to you or the kids and remind him of the effect it has since he's a guy and physically bigger. Talk to him every time it happens and if he cares about ye, you should see an improvement

Goody2ShoesAndTheFilthyBeast · 24/08/2025 12:24

"However, it is unacceptable to be shouting in front of them and I won't be continuing with this relationship."

Thank fuck for that! Im so glad you are walking.

SirBasil · 24/08/2025 12:24

He has never shouted at my children and they have only ever witnessed him yelling at me once before (a few weeks ago) after which we had a frank conversation and I said if it happened again we were done, he apologised and said it would never happen again.

so, now you're done, right? (but yes, you should have given him the keys back into his hand)

RitaRetro · 24/08/2025 12:25

swampwitch0 · 24/08/2025 11:41

And you're happy for your kids to witness him abusing you?
Poor kids.

Perhaps you missed this bit?

I don't want my son (9) to think this is how men speak to women or my daughters (16 and 9) to accept this is how women are treated.

RogerR4bbit · 24/08/2025 12:25

I’m glad to see you are not continuing with this relationship.

He is an abuser who is getting bolder by the minute.

Abusing you in front of your children and in public will only escalate, so leave now and never go back.

Starlight7080 · 24/08/2025 12:26

It was a small mistake he made into something much bigger..
He shouldn't speak to you that way but definitely not in front of your children.
You are just teaching your daughters that its ok if men speak to you like crap.
And you son its ok to treat people like rubbish.

Dontletthebedbugsbite2 · 24/08/2025 12:27

TeaBiscuitsNaptime · 24/08/2025 12:22

It's not your fault and I would bet he knows it too. He is in heightened emotions at the moment. I would ignore all that, help him look for the keys, ask him if he's ok, get him a cuppa etc. And chances are he'll apologise after. If not you could certainly mention it again later or tomorrow, that you know it threw him off but just to be careful in how he expresses that because it's not fair to you or the kids and remind him of the effect it has since he's a guy and physically bigger. Talk to him every time it happens and if he cares about ye, you should see an improvement

Edited

No, I am sorry but he is a fully grown adult. Ask him if he's okay & make him tea? When he is screaming and shouting at her in front of her kids? The bar is so low for men sometimes it genuinely baffles me. I have lived with a man like this - everything is ruined when they're inconvenienced in any way - no matter how minor. I did the appeasement thing to make it easier for the kids/myself & now I just wouldn't tolerate it. If you can't stop yourself from shouting at your partner on a family day out with her kids go to anger management.

GleisZwei · 24/08/2025 12:27

Pineapplewaves · 24/08/2025 11:46

You should have handed him the keys back or told him where you had put them. You shouldn’t have assumed he would know where you put them. He was allowed to be annoyed with you about the situation. I would have been hacked off with DP if this had happened.

Shouting at you loudly in front of your kids and everyone else around you was not acceptable.

This.

Missj25 · 24/08/2025 12:29

FraggleRed · 24/08/2025 11:39

Went out yesterday to the beach with my partner of 6 years and my 3 children. Partner drove his campervan down a steep incline to the beach. Partway through the afternoon I used his keys to open the van and put them on the bench inside. When leaving I, and my 2 daughters, walked up to my car (parked in car park on top of cliffs) and he said he would follow in the van with my son. Unbeknownst to me, he had tidied up before leaving and knocked the keys on the floor. Apparently this is all my fault as I had the keys last and didn't tell him where they were. I had no idea he didn't know where the keys were as he gave no indication he hadn't seen them before I left. He then proceeded to walk to the car park, shouting and screaming at me in front of the children. He refused to believe they were in the van as he had "searched every inch" and accused me of taking them. When I said I had put them on the bench he stormed off saying he would call the AA. I started walking to help him look and halfway down he drove past having found the keys on the floor. He then shouted at me again saying it was all my fault, wouldn't let me speak, kept shouting over me demanding I say sorry. I said I understood he was frustrated etc but I had been entirely unaware of the situation. It was an accident. He still kept shouting (anger is his default) then drove off. This is a cycle that keeps happening- anything that goes wrong is always my fault and he keeps saying that until I get so confused I apologise to keep the peace. AIBU to not do that this time? Shouting at me in front of my children is a recent development and I don't want my son (9) to think this is how men speak to women or my daughters (16 and 9) to accept this is how women are treated. But yet again I'm left questioning myself and wondering if I'm in the wrong.

Don’t question yourself OP
He’s a fucking asshole ..
You say this is a recent development shouting at you Infront of kids , he’s started like this now , this isn’t something that will stop ..
I’m sure your kids must hate seeing him like this with their mom , & that’s a sad thing when you think about it , your kids feeling like that..
Don’t Stay with this guy ..

blenny23 · 24/08/2025 12:31

FraggleRed · 24/08/2025 11:39

Went out yesterday to the beach with my partner of 6 years and my 3 children. Partner drove his campervan down a steep incline to the beach. Partway through the afternoon I used his keys to open the van and put them on the bench inside. When leaving I, and my 2 daughters, walked up to my car (parked in car park on top of cliffs) and he said he would follow in the van with my son. Unbeknownst to me, he had tidied up before leaving and knocked the keys on the floor. Apparently this is all my fault as I had the keys last and didn't tell him where they were. I had no idea he didn't know where the keys were as he gave no indication he hadn't seen them before I left. He then proceeded to walk to the car park, shouting and screaming at me in front of the children. He refused to believe they were in the van as he had "searched every inch" and accused me of taking them. When I said I had put them on the bench he stormed off saying he would call the AA. I started walking to help him look and halfway down he drove past having found the keys on the floor. He then shouted at me again saying it was all my fault, wouldn't let me speak, kept shouting over me demanding I say sorry. I said I understood he was frustrated etc but I had been entirely unaware of the situation. It was an accident. He still kept shouting (anger is his default) then drove off. This is a cycle that keeps happening- anything that goes wrong is always my fault and he keeps saying that until I get so confused I apologise to keep the peace. AIBU to not do that this time? Shouting at me in front of my children is a recent development and I don't want my son (9) to think this is how men speak to women or my daughters (16 and 9) to accept this is how women are treated. But yet again I'm left questioning myself and wondering if I'm in the wrong.

This is domestic abuse and he sounds like a narcissist.

Please consider reading ‘Why Does He Do That’, I have linked the free PDF. It may give you some much needed insights.

https://dn790007.ca.archive.org/0/items/LundyWhyDoesHeDoThat/Lundy_Why-does-he-do-that.pdf

dogcatkitten · 24/08/2025 12:31

It was your fault, you really should have given him his keys back, keys like that are too important to just leave somewhere particularly when you are not at home. Did you leave the van unlocked with his keys inside? If so you might have found the van gone!

But whatever the rights and wrongs he shouldn't shout at you like that, particularly in front of the children, so he owes you an apology for that.

sonjadog · 24/08/2025 12:31

As he isn't the children's father, it makes the answer to this situation easy. You need to end this relationship and remove him from your lives. You shouldn't be verbally abused like this and your children should not be witnessing their mother be abused.

Whether or not you should have told him about or given him the keys is irrelevant. No matter what you did, his behaviour is unacceptable.

nomas · 24/08/2025 12:32

However, it is unacceptable to be shouting in front of them and I won't be continuing with this relationship.

You did not deserve that from
him. I’m glad you are modelling no shit taken attitude to your daughters and son by dunking this angry man child.

BeltaLodaLife · 24/08/2025 12:33

FraggleRed · 24/08/2025 12:16

Thank you for your responses. I absolutely accept that I should have handed him the keys. He returned to the van about an hour later and by that time I had genuinely forgotten all about them. I would have been annoyed myself so completely understand his frustration. It's how he reacts to any inconvenience, big or small, that I have issues with. He has never shouted at my children and they have only ever witnessed him yelling at me once before (a few weeks ago) after which we had a frank conversation and I said if it happened again we were done, he apologised and said it would never happen again. He says he knows he gets angry but it's at the situation not at me so I should just ignore it. Him being a grumpy git is a running 'joke' with his friends. We don't live together, I visit him every second weekend when the kids are with their dad and he comes over to mine when we're both available (we live 45 miles apart). That works for us as I like the home Iife I have with just me and the children. He has always been pleasant to the children, who like him very much. However, it is unacceptable to be shouting in front of them and I won't be continuing with this relationship.

I think this is a very well planned response. It’s important to teach your kids to take responsibility for things so when you’re explaining to them why you ended the relationship, it’s right for you to acknowledge that leaving the keys lying instead of handing them back was wrong, and you admit and apologise for that. But then it’s also very important to teach your kids not to accept abuse so you’re leaving him because of the shouting and his reactions to frustration. It’s absolutely ok to be frustrated with your partner when they do something stupid, but you handle it with words and get it sorted; you don’t scream and shout and driven off at speed shouting out the window.

It’s the right balance. Admit your mistake, but teach your kids how that mistake should have been handled vs how your partner handled it, explain that it simply isn’t acceptable to speak to anyone like that and you won’t be staying in a relationship with someone with such anger issues.

Jujujudo · 24/08/2025 12:34

So what if it’s your fault? So what if you should have told him where the keys are? So what? Him yelling at you and behaving like a toddler is on him. And he’s an abusive prick.

catmothertes1 · 24/08/2025 12:35

I don't get the opening the van but leaving the keys inside. Does it mean the van was left unlocked with the keys inside? I would be pretty mad if someone did this to me.

FraggleRed · 24/08/2025 12:36

dogcatkitten · 24/08/2025 12:31

It was your fault, you really should have given him his keys back, keys like that are too important to just leave somewhere particularly when you are not at home. Did you leave the van unlocked with his keys inside? If so you might have found the van gone!

But whatever the rights and wrongs he shouldn't shout at you like that, particularly in front of the children, so he owes you an apology for that.

No I was sitting in the van with my daughters the whole time. I didn't leave it unlocked or unattended. He was on the beach and came back some time later by which time I'd forgotten about the keys.

OP posts:
TeaBiscuitsNaptime · 24/08/2025 12:36

Dontletthebedbugsbite2 · 24/08/2025 12:27

No, I am sorry but he is a fully grown adult. Ask him if he's okay & make him tea? When he is screaming and shouting at her in front of her kids? The bar is so low for men sometimes it genuinely baffles me. I have lived with a man like this - everything is ruined when they're inconvenienced in any way - no matter how minor. I did the appeasement thing to make it easier for the kids/myself & now I just wouldn't tolerate it. If you can't stop yourself from shouting at your partner on a family day out with her kids go to anger management.

Ya, I see where you're coming from. I was thinking that we all need help when we're stressed sometimes, men and women. And men often are a support for women during trying times too. It does depend on the guy we're talking about though. If there's genuine intention to stabilise things again then good but thats often not the case with abusive types of course, who may start fights to gain more control or to get their own way about something. And no appeasing my ex wouldn't have worked either. I think it depends whether hes aware and cares about the effect it has

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