To not accept this is all my fault

[FraggleRed]

Went out yesterday to the beach with my partner of 6 years and my 3 children. Partner drove his campervan down a steep incline to the beach. Partway through the afternoon I used his keys to open the van and put them on the bench inside. When leaving I, and my 2 daughters, walked up to my car (parked in car park on top of cliffs) and he said he would follow in the van with my son. Unbeknownst to me, he had tidied up before leaving and knocked the keys on the floor. Apparently this is all my fault as I had the keys last and didn't tell him where they were. I had no idea he didn't know where the keys were as he gave no indication he hadn't seen them before I left. He then proceeded to walk to the car park, shouting and screaming at me in front of the children. He refused to believe they were in the van as he had "searched every inch" and accused me of taking them. When I said I had put them on the bench he stormed off saying he would call the AA. I started walking to help him look and halfway down he drove past having found the keys on the floor. He then shouted at me again saying it was all my fault, wouldn't let me speak, kept shouting over me demanding I say sorry. I said I understood he was frustrated etc but I had been entirely unaware of the situation. It was an accident. He still kept shouting (anger is his default) then drove off. This is a cycle that keeps happening- anything that goes wrong is always my fault and he keeps saying that until I get so confused I apologise to keep the peace. AIBU to not do that this time? Shouting at me in front of my children is a recent development and I don't want my son (9) to think this is how men speak to women or my daughters (16 and 9) to accept this is how women are treated. But yet again I'm left questioning myself and wondering if I'm in the wrong.

In a normal family, he would have called you from the van to say "where did you leave the keys?" And he would have found them in seconds. I find it very difficult to believe he genuinely couldn't find them anywhere and suspect he may have manufactured this situation, or at the very least made it as bad as he could to have an excuse to be angry. This is highly abusive behaviour and as his unreasonable levels of anger are a pattern, I think you have reason to fear this relationship. Both for yourself and as you rightly say, for the impact on the DC. Imagine being them and having a lovely family day turn on a dime to a frightening torrent of male anger. How can they relax never knowing if this is going to happen?

Exactly this. You gave him one more chance and an ultimatum, he made a promise. Only weeks later he broke it over some nonsense.

Glad you're leaving him, which is the only option if you want a happy life. He sounds both aggressive and so immature. What an unattractive combination.

Also I would have totally forgotten about the keys in that situ too. Couldn't he just have called you? Anyway who cares fuck him.

This. But if he has always been so quick to anger, why have you stuck it out this long?

🙄

What’s your degree in?

Stop trying to frighten OP. Her kids are not traumatised.

You should have handed the keys back directly to his hands and said here are your keys. That’s the rule in our house.

however this is overshadowed by his awful behaviour

So this isn't a one off because you say "anger is his default". To me this seems a simple misunderstanding that he could have overcome by simply saying "Do you have my keys?" On the basis that a simple misunderstanding causes a screaming rage fit from him, how reasonable do I think you are in keeping him are a partner? Honestly, it's entirely unreasonable. Your children should not be witnessing that. Get rid of him and his van!

These hills up here are lovely...run for them.

This will not get better. LTB.

Yes you should have given him the keys back, but that in no way excuses or justifies his behaviour. You’ve said he did this before and you gave him an ultimatum, so time to make good on your promise now and end the relationship as you said you would in your second post. Sorry that a nice day out turned sour, but better to protect your children from his behaviour, you’re making the right choice and I wish you well.

And you are with him 6 years? Sorry, you deserve yabu in this case. Its been happening, it will be happening, you know that

Why are men such fkn drama queens

My DH used to be like this until he had therapy and is now a very different man. I have just read him your posts and he thinks there is very little chance of your partner changing (especially without professional help) so you should leave him.

Horrible man. In normal life normal confusions merit a phone call but even if he couldn’t find the keys and trudged up the hill and it was hot and he was hungry there still shouldn’t be any shouting. Glad you are not accepting this. You already accepted too much poor behaviour to have previously experienced it and given him another chance.

You’ve been with him 3 years too long he should have been binned off after the first date. He’s outstayed his welcome time for him to be shown the door.

So your partner used to be like this but was able to change thanks to therapy, but he thinks OP should leave her partner?

Absolutely unacceptable for him to behave like that and shout like that in front of your children. You say he’s always pleasant to the children, but how scary it must be for them to see a man unrelated to them shouting at their mum. Where do you think this relationship is going? If he’s like this on a day out when life is good and in public what on earth would he be like if you progressed things and lived together? Life can throw up far bigger problems than some mislaid keys, how will he react in front of the kids then and when he’s behind closed doors? What will he be like when he’s stressed because the kids are acting up like pre-teens and teens do? Honestly, this is not the kind of man you want around your children, do what’s best for all of you and leave him.

Well, yeah it was her fault, she should have handed them back or told him exactly where they were. I can see how he got so frustrated, however I agree no one should be shouted at like that in public AND in front of the kids. I assume in private his anger is worse OP? Chuck him back.

If someone shouted at me like this in front of my kids, they would be out of my life.
Does he always over react? Can he not accept responsibility?
Do yourself a favor And leave, model a good relationship to your kids.

You should have handed the keys back to him rather than leave them on a bench inside it (like you wouldn't leave the key in any other vehicle).

But the correct and normal response to this is

1. "oh, did you bring my keys back" when you returned without them Or
2. Mild exasperation - "Ahhhh, where did you put my keys. Grr, can you just give them back to me next time?"

I was just going to say LTB but I’m glad to see you have decided that already 👍🏻

I'm concerned that you are downplaying the severity of this.

You do know that shouting and screaming at your partner is domestic abuse, and that children should never be exposed to domestic abuse, do you not?

Well he's shouted at you again, you told him the last time that the relationship would be over if he did, so you know what to do. Be thankful that you live separately as it makes things easier.
You do realise if you don't commit to what you told him and stay you've given him a green light to continue shouting at you.

Again 🙄.

Stop trying to frighten the OP. Her children are not traumatised.

I'd have hated that as a kid, pre divorce my parents would sometimes have yelling arguments, very few considering but inevitable to hear a few and it was so stressful for me and my sister.

Why are you with him with this fault, as him reacting this way to small issues is ridiculous?? Reacting with anger like that, in public, because of a mild annoyance is mental, there's no excuse. I'm sure when he's in a good mood he's brilliant, isn't everyone, but the real test of a good person is how they behave to others in less easy times, though I'm loath to call not finding van keys a stressful situation.

He has shown you who he is ...now move on

They are unlikely to be irreparably damaged, but they have experienced something traumatic and it will stick with them undoubtedly. I do find it worrying that a psychologist wouldn't see that this is a very scary and traumatic thing for children to go through. OP doesn't need to be frightened. She has done the right thing by ending the relationship.