To not accept this is all my fault

[FraggleRed]

Went out yesterday to the beach with my partner of 6 years and my 3 children. Partner drove his campervan down a steep incline to the beach. Partway through the afternoon I used his keys to open the van and put them on the bench inside. When leaving I, and my 2 daughters, walked up to my car (parked in car park on top of cliffs) and he said he would follow in the van with my son. Unbeknownst to me, he had tidied up before leaving and knocked the keys on the floor. Apparently this is all my fault as I had the keys last and didn't tell him where they were. I had no idea he didn't know where the keys were as he gave no indication he hadn't seen them before I left. He then proceeded to walk to the car park, shouting and screaming at me in front of the children. He refused to believe they were in the van as he had "searched every inch" and accused me of taking them. When I said I had put them on the bench he stormed off saying he would call the AA. I started walking to help him look and halfway down he drove past having found the keys on the floor. He then shouted at me again saying it was all my fault, wouldn't let me speak, kept shouting over me demanding I say sorry. I said I understood he was frustrated etc but I had been entirely unaware of the situation. It was an accident. He still kept shouting (anger is his default) then drove off. This is a cycle that keeps happening- anything that goes wrong is always my fault and he keeps saying that until I get so confused I apologise to keep the peace. AIBU to not do that this time? Shouting at me in front of my children is a recent development and I don't want my son (9) to think this is how men speak to women or my daughters (16 and 9) to accept this is how women are treated. But yet again I'm left questioning myself and wondering if I'm in the wrong.

I see it as a small miscommunication problem to begin with, perfectly normal and no reason for him to be so angry and nasty. I would run for the hills, he’s not a nice person.

So would I. It really is not ok to borrow someone’s keys, leave them in the vehicle and walk off leaving the vehicle unlocked. I’d have been angry too.

Difference is, I’d have gone up and asked. Just spoken. He can’t shouting and angry and then he drove off at speed while continuing to shout out the window. That’s insane. People make mistakes and those mistakes can cause anger and frustration but that’s just not how a stable person deals with it, especially not with someone they supposedly love.

I do think the OP’s title is misleading though. “To not accept this is my fault.” That attitude doesn’t help. It was her mistake and it was a big one, and it is her fault the keys went missing. But again, his reaction is totally out of control and I’d be scared of ever making a mistake again. No one should be living in fear.

You are being unreasonable subjecting your children to this prick. 'Anger is his default'. You really want this life for them?!

YABVVVVVU for staying with this man and exposing your children to him.

Agree

He was very wrong to yell like this, and if this is common behaviour then you need to consider why you are accepting living like this.

But equally it was a stupid thing to do to put the keys down instead of giving them back.

Exactly this. You were both wrong, but you made a mistake that you can learn from and he is simply an arsehole.

'Anger is his default' is 100% a him issue, and for him to take responsibility for and sort out. You did not cause this. His inability to manage his own emotions and act like an adult did.
Unless he's willing to take responsibility for this and get some help, it will only escalate as he will think it's okay to be like that around you.

Wait - you were sitting in the van? We’re all replying as if you left the van with the keys in it, as that’s how it sounded.

If you were sitting in the van then how did it even get to this? Surely he got here and said, “pass the keys” and you would have?
Or did he return the van and then you just got out, said bye and walked off? So that’s why he couldn’t find them? If that’s what happened, then that was your mistake. Whereas if he got to the van and immediately started shouting instead of giving you a shine to hand them over then that’s 100% him.

This is the kind of thing children will remember forever, so they are also going to remember your reaction.

Will they remember this as the first of many times their stepdad screamed at their mother in public and ruined a day out, or will they remember it as the time their Mum knew her worth and ended an abusive relationship to protect herself and them?

I think it was your mistake. I wouldn't just leave keys on a bench and if someone else had my keys I'd assume they had them in their pocket or bag if they didn't return them to me. It doesn't really matter that you made a mistake though, nothing warrants being screamed and shouted at especially in front of your DC and in public. I wasn't there but the way you describe it sounds like emotional abuse towards you and to your DC who had to witness it.

He is not their step dad.

He has never shouted at my children and they have only ever witnessed him yelling at me once before (a few weeks ago) after which we had a frank conversation and I said if it happened again we were done, he apologised and said it would never happen again.

So you are done then?? I would be! If you stay with him you are letting him know it’s ok to behave like this, to overstep your boundaries and that you never mean it when you give him an ultimatum. Angry men are dangerous men. If he acts like this over inconveniences then imagine how he’d be if you really did do something wrong. Do not stay to find out 🚩

There's really no need to argue over semantics, lots of unmarried couples use stepmum/dad terminology and it's not relevant at all to this OP, except for in the fact there's no divorce proceedings and she can just leave.

Please dump the man immediately

Never date anyone for whom anger is a default,

Don’t expose your children to him any longer

None of this is relevant though

No reasonable person resorts to anger as the norm, especially with 3 kids in the mix

The Op needs to loose him, and never mind who lost the keys

Yes we were sitting in the van chattingand playing games. When he came back we all sat together and had a cup of tea then planned to drive to a chippy to get dinner. I'd forgotten about the keys and accept I should have said where I put them but by the time he came back I'd forgotten all about them. He had also forgotten and didn't ask for them or ask where they were. Complete misunderstanding.

They don’t live together, they see each other every second weekend and occasionally in between. It sounds like outings either the kids are very occasional. It’s not semantics due to a marriage certificate. He is literally not their step dad in any way, at all. He is mum’s boyfriend they don’t hang out with all that often. They are not going to be traumatised by seeing him shout once or twice and then seeing mum dump him. The kids are fine.

Well, I think personal growth is important and the OP’s title is pretty disingenuous. She knows fine well that it was her fault the keys were lost. No point pretending otherwise.

Everyone would still have been on her side and said the exact same things about him if she had just been honest about that.

You were completely in the wrong, he's not a mind reader and can't guess where you decided to leave them. The very least you should have done is apologise.

His reaction is also completely wrong, and not acceptable behaviour from an adult.

He's completely over-reacting, but you must be infuriating by going on and on "it's not my fault" when it clearly is.

It doesn't give him the right to behave like this.

He's shouting abuse at you in front of your children over a simple misunderstanding and you're wondering if you're in the wrong???

This man is not OK to be around you or your children - protect yourself and them and boot him. Read your post again - you know the answer. Have the courage and do the right thing.

You don't think children are traumatised when a man shouts and screams at their mother in a public place?

Well, you were wrong for forgetting the keys, but it was an unfortunate oversight and not done maliciously. He was far worse for his reaction. I assume you both have phones? He could have rung you and said "where are the keys FraggleRed?" No need for all the drama or the shouting or accusations. As you'd previously given him an ultimatum that should it happen again you'd be done, I'm pleased to see that you're going to follow through and finish this. Doesn't matter that the kids have only seen him having a go twice. That's twice too often, so good riddance to him.

Her children are not toddlers. At their age, if they are actually traumatised by this then they have much bigger problems.
Do you understand what trauma is? I’m a psychologist. This one incident of a man shouting about keys at the beach is not going to traumatise healthy children for this age.

He is not their step dad, they don’t live with him, their lives are very separate. This is one incident outside of the home and the OP has ended the relationship. These kids are not traumatised.

The mumsnet obsession with using that word is just getting stupid and dangerous now.

Absolutely terrifying for your children to witness such anger.
Not something they will ever forget.
Their minds are different.
They will not remember context or details, just their fear and confusion in the moment.

Completely unforgivable.
What women do not realise is, angry men induce life long trauma in the children they abuse like this, even if it wasn't directed at them.

Men like this take their feelings of safety, and once it's gone, its gone.

I really hope you put your children first and get rid of this abuser.

They should never be exposed to him again.