No sex life - WWYD? At my wits end.

[sexproblems]

No idea where we go from here. I really need some honest opinions. Sex drives are hugely mismatched, and it seems to be getting worse. I am female, 55, he is male, 52. Been together for 20 years.

We had sex 15 times in 2024. This year, we have had sex 4 times so far. If I was being positive, I would say that our shift patterns are partly to blame, BUT, we just had two early nights in bed (in bed for 9 hours), both naked and both sober, and he didn't make any moves on me whatsoever.

We have our whole retirement planned out, but I can't live the rest of my life celibate. Where the hell do I go from here? Has anyone been in this situation and managed to turn it around?

And why did you not make a move on him? What would he do if you did?

Have you spoken to him about it?

What would happen if you touched him under the covers?

What does he say when you talk to him about it?

Years of him rejecting me, have led us to a place where he has to make the first move.

Yes, we have had loads of conversations about this. Last one was about a month ago, where I said I couldn't go one more day without sex. He said "we will have to rectify that", and nothing happened.

Talk to him. Sounds like his libido is waning. But talk in case there's something else, ED or whatever. You have 20 good years under your belt and a retirement planned.. take it all into account before you decide what to do.

But you DID go one more day. You need to get real. Mean what you say.

If you cannot go one more day without sex, and you get no sex, leave. Start mediation.

He might simply be low on testosterone but YOU want the sex so YOU need to force the issue

If it’s been going on for years it won’t get better. I would have left long before now.

Something is obviously stopping him, and it's possibly the relationship, in which case you both need to act accordingly.
Possibly erectile dysfunction or fear of it. It is a very real thing for men of your husband's age, and many are genuinely afraid of it, embarrassed by it etc. He can get help and advice on that, and you can both read up on ways round it, too.
If it ain't rising, it ain't rising 👍

I couldn’t live like that, you have my sympathies OP.

Would he consider an open marriage? Would you? Is it just sex you need or specifically sex with your DH? Would you consider a very discreet affair?

Time for a very open conversation. You want to be excited for your life together but you won’t live in a sexless marriage.

If you have had "loads of conversations " what did he have to say about his lack of interest in sex?

OP, this is unlikely to suddenly improve, in fact it will almost certainly get worse as your DH gets older. So it's up to you whether or not the positive aspects of the relationship make up for it. If not, start making plans to leave.

Has he been to the gp and had a health check? Low testosterone can cause low libido and is treatable. If he isn't willing to seek help for his low libido then that's a whole other problem.

This isn’t going to change. He has a low sex drive. You either need to leave and find someone else or just accept this is the way it is (or agree between you both that you’ll have an open relationship). You putting pressure on him to have sex when he clearly doesn’t want to isn’t going to achieve anything except resentment.

Ask him to go for a health check with his GP and to start sex therapy alone or together (you can be referred for this on the NHS in my area so I assume it's available in other areas, or you can go private). I think it would be helpful to do it as a couple as both people might need to change e.g. one might be causing pressure and not realising. You need to make it clear that if he doesn't take this seriously you will leave

Has your sex drive or desires increased during peri?
There is a high chance your own sex drive will vanish before 60 so I don't see the point in leaving a long relationship over sex. You will be better matched in a few years and wonder what you ever really got from sex beside an itch scratched temporarily.
The frustration in the meantime is depressing (I know as I've been there).
If you want sex it's not going to be forthcoming from your husband so you are going to have to have some honest conversations and/or buy better toys

If DH told me he couldn't go one more day without sex and then expected me to initiate it, the pressure would kill my libido stone dead!

What solutions have you/he proposed? Are you affectionate with each other outside of sex? Do you cuddle him, kiss him hello and goodbye, hold hands?

So you’ve spoken to him about this - what did he say? Did he give you a reason?
Oh and how can you remember you had sex 15 times in 2024? Do you keep a tally?! 😁

Intimacy is such an important part of a good relationship I'd really try and find out why he lacks interest. If it can be fixed great, if not I'd reassess the whole thing. Living with rejection must be absolutely soul destroying. Behind all the domestic drudgery that part should obviously be enjoyable or else he'd just be a housemate.

Does he masturbate, watch porn? Many people in long term relationships inevitably get bored so they choose the quick fix of a wank over the 'bother' of initiating sex. If he does ask him to at least limit it so he cba to have sex.

I'd look on his history see what he's looking at does he have any kinks he hasn't shared like bdsm, look at messages check he isn't embroiled in some sexting chat with an enthusiastic third party. Sadly there's usually many sat in the sidelinenes desperate for attention.

Barring that obviously try and introduce a bit of novelty in the bedroom, sex toys etc?

Don't just accept it as a normal part of aging.

15 times in 2024 - that’s about once a month which, tbh, isn’t bad when you’ve been with someone 20 years. But as your sex drive is obviously very important, and you’re starting to get resentful, then maybe leave, as I doubt things are going to improve, or he would have already started making an effort, ie GP or joint counselling. But….be careful that your sex life could dwindle to nothing if you leave. Being a 50 something female entering the dating world is dire. If sex is important to you, and overrides a relationship, you might be fine. Many men out there interested in a no strings attached sexual relationship. Otherwise, many 50 something men on dating sites are either looking for someone under 40, or come with ‘issues’. It’s notoriously bad out there in the dating world atm. If you love your dh in every other way, then maybe you may have to compromise on this and invest in some sex toys and just enjoy cuddles and closeness with DH. Only you know whether it’s so important that you’re okay to take the risk of trying to get out there to find someone more compatible.

Am I the only one who thinks that 15x year for a couple married for 20 years is not that unusual? Just me, LOL?!

That aside, he is probably feeling ashamed that he is, erm, not meeting your needs. Issuing ultimatums is not the way to go. Can you try and talk with him and understand why he is not in the mood for it more often?

I thought the same 😄

Haha, yes! I just saw that we posted at the same time!

If you've lived with this situation for years and spoken to him about this lots of times and nothing has changed, then it's not going to change now. You can either accept it and stay, accept it and have affairs/an open relationship or leave. You need to decide what you can live with, as does he.