No sex life - WWYD? At my wits end.

[sexproblems]

No idea where we go from here. I really need some honest opinions. Sex drives are hugely mismatched, and it seems to be getting worse. I am female, 55, he is male, 52. Been together for 20 years.

We had sex 15 times in 2024. This year, we have had sex 4 times so far. If I was being positive, I would say that our shift patterns are partly to blame, BUT, we just had two early nights in bed (in bed for 9 hours), both naked and both sober, and he didn't make any moves on me whatsoever.

We have our whole retirement planned out, but I can't live the rest of my life celibate. Where the hell do I go from here? Has anyone been in this situation and managed to turn it around?

Have you had lots of different conversations, or the same conversation lots of times? What has he said in these conversations?

I think I would ask him, with genuine curiosity, if every other month is about right for him and he’s happy, or really whether he would like to stop having sex completely.

I do wonder if both of you would be happier if you just stop and you both know that it’s not going to happen. Maybe you could even develop more physical touch, if he’s not worried it will lead to pressure.

Then I would have a think about asking to stay but take a lover, or whether you can’t get over the resentment that you naturally feel when someone removes something that was valuable to you without your consent.

Is he willing to satisfy you in other ways? Would that be enough for you?

Same!! I was like, is that more than we had last year? 😄

I doubt it is the act in itself whether sex or oral for example, rather his lack of interest.

Having an unwilling partner must be crushing.

There will be a reason and if he's getting his kicks elsewhere maybe by viewing porn that would certainly put a dampener on his ardour I would think.

They need to find the reason then go from there. Boredom is fixable, lack of attraction isn't I would say.

The fact you count makes you sound like some sex obsessed maniac.

My DH has no sex drive. I'm fine with that.

Just invest in a decent dildo. Or go and have an affair. Ask your DH if you can have an open marriage.

An open marriage? I'd be asking that question.

I think if I got to the point where I could count how many times I'd be forcing the conversation about the future.

It’s interesting how different the responses are when the op is a woman rather than a man. If a man had posted this, there would have been a large number of comments telling him he’s a grown man who should ‘sort himself out’ and stop putting pressure on his poor wife!

No id say the same.

Personally I don't think it's fair or right to force a sexless marriage on someone. The conversation needs to be had no matter the sex of the person. There are options or they split up.

Exactly!
Imagine, ‘DH and I have sex once a month on average, he is not happy but doesn’t even initiate sex anymore as he says he can’t cope with the rejection. He sometimes implies he will leave me over it’.
15 times a year is not that bad after 20y of marriage.

What have the several conversations been about? Is it physical or mental health related? Age or interest related? Conversations are pointless if they are not linked to any actions or lead to any outcomes. When we said, we have to rectify that- how do you both intend to? It's frustrating to be rejected and not be intimate but even more frustrating if there are no steps to make things better or change them. You have to decide how you want to proceed.

The ultimatum is 'This is not OK. Start seriously working on addressing it or we won't last'. Not 'Get it up now!'

I was waiting for the double standard comment - it’s like clockwork.

The classic female version of this is ‘I have a 3 year old and a nine month old, we do it once a week and I don’t enjoy it but Dh gets so grumpy if I don’t.’ Ie it’s a completely different situation. I’ve seen plenty of threads by men which say the woman is not being fair not talking about it and that he could consider asking for an open marriage, ie an exact equivalent.

I agree with the views that it won’t get better. What is he like if you do try and initiate accepting you say you have been rejected over the years so don’t.

i understand how you feel. It isn’t just the feel and release of an orgasm, it is also the closeness and intimacy that literally comes from him being inside you and you also feeling his release. Sadly without probably some counselling I suspect it will not get resolved which is sad as I already have a friend who ended a marriage as this being a key issue and her ex husband still bitterly regrets not having tried more…but the fact that is so hard to overcome is when they dont want to or feel the urge.

No, the classic female version of this is the 50something woman who has gone off sex due to hormonal changes but is married to a man who still wants sex.

Most couples in their 50s don't have a 3 year old and a 9 month old so it's a false equivalent.

ETA: I think I misread your post..?

No I thought the same.

Without wanting to be negative, it's likely you'll lose your libido very soon anyway. I wouldn't plan the next 20 years based on how your hormones are now.

Have you actually even read the thread?

Most of the responses have not been sympathetic to OP at all. She has been told to sort herself and even been called a sex-obsessed maniac.

I would ask him to see his gp. I haven’t had sex for over 3 years. As DH has type 2 diabetes and cannot get an erection any more. We’ve tried everything viagra etc. nothing works. He’s been referred to a urologist which can be a 3 yr wait so I hear 🙈🙈🙈. I’m 53 and devastated. Him 58, not so much ……

You talk about it, nothing changes. You gave him an ultimatum which he ignored, and you did not follow through. He Won’t Change, op. So you stay in a sexless marriage, or open the marriage up? Or you split. You have choices - tough ones, but choices nonetheless.

If you've spoken about it many times and nothing has changed, I think it's time to accept that this is what it is. He has not been honest in indicating he will do things that he hasn't gone on to do. I would call it a day.

Yes, this is the reality. I would think very carefully before you embark on an affair though. These things have a nasty way of coming out. And even if you’re not caught the guilt will eat away at you - or you’ll end up falling in love with the new man. An open marriage might work, but I suspect not. No matter how rational we try to be, we can’t control our emotions.

God, sex causes us so much flippin misery. I hope one day science advances to the point where we can control the sex drive or even switch it off altogether. OK, sex can be amazing (though generally it isn’t), but I’m convinced humans would be far happier without it. When I look back over my own life, sex and relationships have brought me far more shame and misery than pleasure and happiness. Books, art, nature, friends and animals have been my real source of joy, not sex.

You can't make someone have sex if they don't want to. Some people myself included are just not interested in it.
You can either leave, try counselling, have an open marriage or a polyamorous one or stay there and have no sex.
My exH chose to leave. Then he didn't manage to get any sex with a new person or have any relationships and wanted to come back and I said no. He had made his decision. I won't be messed about.
I was happy originally for him to be polyamorous but he didn't want that.
Be sure whatever you do is what you want.

My DH refused to do anything about his ED, I was frustrated. I had a choice, leave for sex or stay for family/company/financial stability. I stayed. Peri kicked in and I don’t want sex any more either.

15 times last year, probably more than most. If you were male, you’d be accused of being a sex pest. As someone whose libido is much lower than my partner’s, I’m so over ultimatums about sex. Not getting enough? Leave. Don’t want to leave. Make it work. Either way, stop the emotional blackmail. Relationships are about so much more than sex.

@sexproblems been exactly there. DH really not interested, tried Viagra once but didn't like it so that was that. Had no strings discreet affair at 50 that overall wasn't worth the bother. Didn't see why I should take the financial hit of leaving, so stayed, but separate rooms and mainly separate lives connected by grandchildren really. My take is never depend on a man to meet your needs but there's no guarantee that starting again will resolve your issues. As PPs have said, nothing to say that sex will be so important to you long term.