No sex life - WWYD? At my wits end.

[sexproblems]

No idea where we go from here. I really need some honest opinions. Sex drives are hugely mismatched, and it seems to be getting worse. I am female, 55, he is male, 52. Been together for 20 years.

We had sex 15 times in 2024. This year, we have had sex 4 times so far. If I was being positive, I would say that our shift patterns are partly to blame, BUT, we just had two early nights in bed (in bed for 9 hours), both naked and both sober, and he didn't make any moves on me whatsoever.

We have our whole retirement planned out, but I can't live the rest of my life celibate. Where the hell do I go from here? Has anyone been in this situation and managed to turn it around?

Just leave him and find someone who does like sex.

You cannot change or force him to want it more than he does and clearly giving him an ultimatum does nothing because nothing changes

so you have two choices

1. leave
2. stay and accept this is how it is going to be

The op needs to find out why that is key. If he doesn't fancy her anymoe sadly there's not much she can do. If he's wanking too much that is reducing his sex drive with her then he can address that.

I was in a sexless marriage for many years. I wanted sex, he didn't, and said he was happy for it to be platonic. I didn't have sex in my 40s at all. It's something that has always been important to me, but I stayed in the marriage for the sake of the children.

The marriage ended for different reasons, and I am now in my mid fifties and very happily remarried. We have an extremely active sex life, and it's great.

OP, do talk to your DP about this, see if he's willing to work with you to have a relationship that satisfies you both. If not you have to think long and hard about what you want and what's important to you. Other posters have said that over the next few years you'll probably lose interest in sex anyway but that really might not be the case. My libido has increased as I've gone through the menopause! A sexless marriage, if not your choice, is absolutely soul destroying and miserable IME.

Well you have to have another conversation about it - try and get to the bottom of what it is for him.

You need to say to him that either you open up the marriage (if that could work for you) or you end it (if you can afford that).

It doesn’t sound like there’s going to be a miracle fix, so it’s probably one or the other. If he’s up for it, try marriage counselling as a last ditch attempt.

But if you have a solid sex drive, this is no way to live.

You can't force him to want sex OP, at the moment you're trying to coerce him into doing something you know he doesn't want to do - and that's just plain wrong. If he wanted to change then he would have tried to do something about it by now,

You have to accept he doesn't want much sex and then decide where you want to go with that. You can just accept it, you can leave or you can talk to him about opening up the marriage.

Don’t be ridiculous (and nasty)

The OP likes sex and has had years of very little of it, of course she knows what the numbers are (and can see them going in the direction of zero)

This is perhaps slightly left-field, but I am just checking OP - that your DH is not depressed? That can cause low libido in a lot of people, and if that is the case, then treating the depression may instigate some change. That happened to a good friend of mine, and after going on medication, she had a new lease of life in that regard!

And yet if this was a man counting, what would Mumsnet say?

Just trying to catch up on comments.

We had another talk this morning. He was defensive at first, but then went into full on "we will fix this" mode. He said he will make a GP appt tomorrow (he 100% won't). He said he thought about initiating the other couple of nights we were in bed early, but for whatever reason just didn't, and said he knew he would regret that later. It's just word salad really, isn't it?

Yes, to a PP, it's not hard to count, when it's so infrequent. We dtd twice in February (on hols), once in May and once in July. Woop woop.

Gah.

My own sex drive has dipped a little, but it was quite high before, so I'd say it's probably average now. It's not lost on me that it could disappear, and like you say, I would regret leaving as everything else is good!!

He should ask for a blood test for testosterone. If it’s low then he’ll have very low sex drive and his penis likely won’t be functioning very reliably. My DH has low testosterone and has a testosterone injection every 3 months.

If your DH is having issues with maintaining an erection then a cock ring is an easy cheap possible solution.

Sex therapy might be really useful. DH and I have been very out of sync over the years. We had marriage counselling and that helped. If the rest of your relationship is good then you might just need the sex part of therapy and counselling.

Recently I’ve had low to no sex drive for a few years. DH was hassling me, especially after each testosterone injection. We had a big argument, he finally got the message to back the fuck off from hassling me and whining about no sex, and took the pressure off me. He stopped whinging and complaining and instead communicated his attraction to me through his words and touch. That has made such a difference for me.

He started showing interest in me outside of the bedroom instead of only in the bedroom, but in a no pressure way and reassured me that there was no expectation of sex. That helped me to be comfortable and realise that I still enjoyed his attention. That progressed to making an effort to kiss at bedtime for more than a split second peck on the lips. Things would progress a bit further sometimes and not other times. That expanded out into touching each other. Sex still didn’t happen for a bit longer. I was able to ease into rediscovering my sexual side. He’s continued to reassure me that even after 25+ years together he’s still very attracted to me. Currently things are happening between us a few times a week.

How is that being ridiculous or nasty?

I'm suggesting solutions. If her DH isn't interested in sex, then perhaps he'd be OK with her seeking it elsewhere, and if he's not OK with that, then her options are leave or make do with plastic toys.

I'm being realistic.

I really don't want sex with anyone else. I am pretty sure that would be the end of our relationship. I just want him to have a sex drive!

Does he masturbate and use porn do you know?

But you can't force that. Lots of men have declining hormone levels and just don't want sex any more. Same for many women.

You need to talk to him about it. It clearly bothers you far more than it bothers him. Do you want him to see a doctor?

The more you force it, the worse it can make it.

But you just can’t wish that into existence or change it unless he wants to. And the level of sex he has has to be one he and you are comfortable with

Dreadful advice telling her to have an affair.
Who with is this person married as well
What happens when the shit hits the fan.
Nobody died from not having sex.

Either leave him if you really can't stand it or get a vibrator.

'If her DH isn't interested in sex, then perhaps he'd be OK with her seeking it elsewhere, and if he's not OK with that, then her options are leave or make do with plastic toys'

Boredom and complacency can be common in long term relationships. I don't believe anyone has a low sex drive just for whatever reason they aren't bothered about their current sex life. The key is finding why.

Get a toy?

Do you love him OP? You just have mis matched sex drives, I can’t believe you’ve kept track 🫣 is it a deal breaker? He can’t help not wanting to have sex all the time. Well, maybe not all the time as such but as much as you.

Go on holiday more often.

I said I couldn't go one more day without sex.

That wasn't true.

He said "we will have to rectify that"

That wasn't true.

Neither of you are taking this seriously and talking properly. If you want a more active sex life and he doesn't then you need to separate and find partners who are more compatible.

No one is right or wrong, you just have different needs. You can't make him want it more and he can't make you want it less. It's not really that hard to understand is it?

I thought the exact same thing!

Might be worth getting his testosterone levels checked. There is a link between low testosterone and heart problems in men

Well yes, I can "sort myself out", but that's nowhere near having sex with an actual man!!