No sex life - WWYD? At my wits end.

[sexproblems]

No idea where we go from here. I really need some honest opinions. Sex drives are hugely mismatched, and it seems to be getting worse. I am female, 55, he is male, 52. Been together for 20 years.

We had sex 15 times in 2024. This year, we have had sex 4 times so far. If I was being positive, I would say that our shift patterns are partly to blame, BUT, we just had two early nights in bed (in bed for 9 hours), both naked and both sober, and he didn't make any moves on me whatsoever.

We have our whole retirement planned out, but I can't live the rest of my life celibate. Where the hell do I go from here? Has anyone been in this situation and managed to turn it around?

This is really sad. I feel for you op. I know you don’t want to have an affair or open things up, but if the situation presented itself, with a man who clearly fancied you and found you attractive would you be able to resist, I’m not sure I would.

I’m going to be frank with you. Yes it could be test, age, other things..but the biggest reason for this I’ve seen (and is becoming a major issue for relationships) is porn.

Most married men are online, talking to other women, watching porn. A man who has been like this with you for a good while..I’d assume porn. Look up porn induced erectile dysfunction to start. They’ve rendered themselves limp 🤣

Go have sex. Dump his arse.
I have very little sympathy for this type of male

The op has said it isn't porn, she has access to all his tech and is 100% sure he is not wanking in another room while she thinks he's watching footie. I would still sadly guess he is and is just using private browsing or deleting his history.

Any men reading this do please share if they think there is such a thing as a man who isnt bothered about sex with their long term dp but also doesn't masturbate?

Well I don’t know for sure with my ex but I don’t think it was porn

Honestly I thought that but after unpicking things relised there were a lot more things wrong - we had marriage counselling and it came out he had an underlying resentment and had for many years

Just watching a music video of a great song by a guy. I can almost smell his maleness. I want to bury my nose in his armpits and drink it in. God I need some cock.

physically No. No one dies from lack of sex. But emotionally? Spiritually people can absolutely wither and die inside

Threatening to leave would surely count as coercion, which is largely frowned upon these days.

Once a month is normal for a very long term relationship.
The only way to understand is to talk about it. If it doesn’t work for you then work with him to try and find an option that will work. But you’re not celibate.

If you can’t give your partner an orgasm it’s no wonder they’ve lost interest. Maybe instead of PIV you could find other ways to help them orgasm first before you get your turn

Did he make the doctors appointment and if not did you bring it up?

It definitely can.
I think it's fine to say you're going to leave unless the person goes to the doctor.

But if you threaten to leave and then accept sex shortly afterwards then that is problematic. No one should accept sex shortly after a talk list this, they should only accept action towards seeing if the issue can be solved, such as going to the doctor.

I’m the same OP. I don’t know what to do