No sex life - WWYD? At my wits end.

[sexproblems]

No idea where we go from here. I really need some honest opinions. Sex drives are hugely mismatched, and it seems to be getting worse. I am female, 55, he is male, 52. Been together for 20 years.

We had sex 15 times in 2024. This year, we have had sex 4 times so far. If I was being positive, I would say that our shift patterns are partly to blame, BUT, we just had two early nights in bed (in bed for 9 hours), both naked and both sober, and he didn't make any moves on me whatsoever.

We have our whole retirement planned out, but I can't live the rest of my life celibate. Where the hell do I go from here? Has anyone been in this situation and managed to turn it around?

Am I the only one who thinks that 15x year for a couple married for 20 years is not that unusual? Just me, LOL?!

Definitely not just you. For some of my friends it would be on the high side.

If you know he won't make the appointment then what's the plan?

Like the post two posts above yours by @PoshDuckQuarkQuark

I’ve no idea how people think sorting yourself out is the same as having a good shag with a human being? It’s crap by comparison. To answer previous questions, he did have a porn habit but doesn’t anymore (I know this to be true), he never wanks (I wish he would as that would at least show there was some desire). He smokes and drinks. He definitely has ED.

Oh and just to add, the 4 times we’ve done it this year have all lasted 10 minutes tops. No PIV, no orgasm from him. He hasn’t ejaculated in about 2 years.

I think I would take this approach, more or less lead separate lives and certainly separate bedrooms. There's nothing more soul destroying than being rejected repeatedly.

For how many years has sex been an issue?

Can you get some personal counselling to help you work through what the best way forward is? The old cliche that you can only change yourself is true, so I think it comes down to you deciding what you are willing to live with or not, rather than trying to change him.

Op

I think it's fair to say that this is unlikely to get a whole lot better as he gets older. For many people of both sexes, sex drive can decrease post 50. It not a case of his is wrong and you're is 'right', it's just that you're mismatched.

I think I'd work on the basis that it probably won't get much better and have a real think about whether this is a deal breaker for you. It sounds like it is so I'd suggest ending it sooner rather than later as you'll only grow more resentful over time .
Bluntly ita also easier to find new sexual partner the younger you are.

sorry for you both. It's rubbish.

You've been together 20 yrs has this just happened in the last 2yrs? Was your sex life very good and active prior to that?

Are you 100% sure there isn't anyone else on the scene? Sorry to suggest it just many people think if their spouses aren't having suspicious nights away there's nothing to worry about but very often if they've lost interest it's because they are busy elsewhere with a work colleague and having secret afternoons of fun whilst you think they're at work. I'd dig and snoop if I were you.

No one has asked her if she does her fair share of housework yet!

True. Do you put the bins out op and rub his feet after a day at work as men must do if they want any intimacy .

When you say he drinks, how much does he drink? Drunk every night levels?
He has ED for whatever reason, low T, drinks too much, some other health reason, and refuses to properly address this. I wonder if it’s because he doesn’t want a doctor to tell him he needs to stop drinking to fix it!

I'm sorry OP but this is sounding even more like my situation that I briefly described earlier. My ex had chronic ED and inability to ejaculate. I think it was a combination of poor physical health and a big porn habit. I know you say he's not using porn now, but the fact that he has may mean that he needs that sort of stimulation rather than a physical relationship with an actual person.

Based on what you've now shared I would say that there's very little hope for you to regain an active sex life, not unless he's prepared to put in an awful lot of work.

There's nothing wrong with wanting to feel wanted and desired, and to want sex. Please don't put your wishes aside and treat them as unimportant. I wasted several years of my life like that, and I cannot fully describe how wonderful it is to now have a partner who wants sex as much as I do, and desires me.

We don't have separate lives though. We sleep in the same bed. We have AMAZING holidays. We have the same goals and plans for retirement. He is my best friend, and I'm his. Everything is good, apart from this one thing.

Definitely no one else. He's either at work or home. He has a VERY stressful job (life or death) and comes straight home after every shift. Never goes out with mates (too tired). I have full access to his laptop, phone etc. Also we have each other on find my friend. To be honest, with his ED he wouldn't be able to cheat even if he wanted to! Every cloud.....

I do 100% of the housework. Literally everything, including putting the bins out. He cooks maybe once a month. That's it. I don't actually mind, given that he works long and stressful hours and my job is WFH and very very easy.

A man's testosterone levels decrease by about 1% a year from late 30s/early 40s. It's a natural part of male aging - you have a lower sex drive, and erections are less reliable. Obviously there is a lot of individual variation, but it's just a fact of life.
If you chuck into the mix (thinking hypothetically here) familiarity after many years together and/or relationship issues, it's not a surprise that this affects many people/couples.

I know what you mean, but is it really normal for a man to not want sex EVER? Like to literally be dead below the waist? It doesn't seem normal to me.

That's great but how can you be like best friends when there's this massive elephant in the room that he won't discuss. How can you have great holidays when you go to bed at night feeling utterly rejected and unattractive to your dh?

Even if he said 'I have ED but I don't care and don't want to get treatment/address it' that would be something. It'd be the not knowing that'd kill me.

Have you had a good and active sex life for the 20yrs prior to this very dry last 2 years?

Op, even if he has a stressful job there is always time and opportunity for afternoons of fun so while I really don't want to keep pushing the issue do not rule it out.

While you say 'life or death' job this isn't the police control room dispatcher with a serious booze problem is it? Just similar terminology. Apologies if not.

I had similar - getting divorced now - met someone who actually fancies me and want to have sex regularly

Yoir/your husband's situation sounds more difficult in this regard than most.
Maybe work/tiredness etc also 🤔
Probably need to work on it together, investigate 'low mood'/depression if that's an issue for him. Sort of depends on where your relationship is at. I guess try not to make it 'his problem' and insist he does something about it. Psychological stress will only exacerbate the issue.
The only thing that's certain is that you can't magic up an erection, if it ain't rising, it ain't rising.
It's also something that, for many reasons, is difficult for men to talk about, though thankfully this is changing, and many more men are now ready/happy to talk about such issues. But 'limp dick' jokes are easily made, and happen a lot, and can have a big effect if an individual is having ED/low sex drive issues.
And of course there is more to sex than just the penetrative sort 😀

All this “take a lover” “ have an affair”, I’d love to! I’m in the same position. Same age. But how on earth do I do this!?!?!

Probably more common than you think. Very wide variation of normal with this sort of thing. The thing you have to decide if it’s a dealbreaker for you or not.

Tbh, the smoking and drinking would bother me a lot more, but to each their own!