Husband has got extreme views

[UnsureDifferences]

Name change on this to protect myself and family.
So my DH has over the past few years got more and more what I would call extreme views. He is into conspiracy theories, it started off by watching a few videos and being curious and now he full thinks that the illuminati are out to enslave us and talks about the earth being flat, which he is not sure about but goes on about it.
He is also fearful of immigration and is saying he will go on the marches and that we are being take over and that we need to be prepared.
I am an easy going educated person who leans slightly left and believes in science.
This is really getting me down as I am not sure I can be with him anymore if this is who he is now.
Aibu to leave him for having these different views. Or is it managable to continue on.
One part of me thinks it is similar to two people of different faiths being married, is this possible? Has anyone had a good relationship with someone with opposite political or religious views to them?
Any ideas as to what to do here.
Everything else is fine in our relationship

They've already got children.

Flat Earth is fairly easily debunked - a guy called something like Professor Dave does a very good job of that on You Tube.

The enslavement issue is another matter. Any government could in theory control a population with a centrally issued digital currency, no cash and a digital ID (e.g. you could be locked out of buying food, for example, if you post something criticising the government online). Most central banks are looking at digital currencies (Bank of England atm), the UK government is looking at a digital ID according to its own website and cash is disappearing fast (another cash point closed in my small town last month - a lot of shops no longer take cash). All this is easily verifiable and not at all a wild conspiracy theory. It depends whether you think governments can be trusted in the future to respect your freedoms.

Your question isn't really about that though - its whether you can continue to live with someone who has radically different views from you. Only you can answer that.

The ‘go to’ explanation for any kind of non-typical or extreme behaviour is always ‘must be autism’. It’s tiresome. Neurotypical people can also indulge in extreme and stupid behaviour too you know. Many of them do!

You’re the one being brainwashed by the right wing media about a so-called migrant crisis in order to ensure you vote for people like Trump and Farage, who ultimately want to line their own pockets. They have absolutely no interest in future proofing the country and ensuring that local communities are prosperous, safe and supported.

For thousands of years people have migrated across continents. It’s a natural human endeavour and has increased at a more rapid pace since the end of WW2. However, stop and think for a minute.

Do you assume that all the people moving to the UK are unemployable, likely criminals and a drain on the economy? Why do you think that?

Have you never come across a non UK born Doctor or nurse in the NHS, Police force, local garage, bakery or any other major employer?

Due to the Tory’s being in power for too long and their constant cuts to our support services, not enough has been done in the last 10 years to ensure that migrants are properly supported and integrated into society, unlike the governments in say, the Scandinavian countries. Here, it’s been left to small charity funded agencies to pick up the slack and rely on unpaid volunteers.

Where I live (abroad), we’ve had a lot of migrants from Eastern Europe and they’ve been a boon to the local economy bringing their skills with them. We are short on home grown tradies but that gap is being very effectively plugged by qualified and experienced mechanics, electricians, plumbers etc. The local farmers market now has regular stalls run by migrants selling their amazing traditional baked goods etc. It’s a wonderful new world.

Yeah, this is the kind of thing I would have said before I got to know some conspiracy theorists. They tend to be obsessed with their beliefs. They bring them into every conversation. They look down on those who don’t share their views, As they read more snd more their views become more pernicious and less connected to reality. Unsurprisingly, conspiracy theories are now a new conduit for antiSemitism. Attempts to reframe Hitler as ‘not such a bad man’ ‘he did some good things’ are now amongst the set of beliefs you will hear from conspiracy theorists. Conspiracy theorists tend to admire dictators. Putin got a thumbs up from the CT I knew.

CT are not just people with ‘valid but alternative’ viewpoints. It’s something else entirely.

He is also fearful of immigration and is saying he will go on the marches and that we are being take over and that we need to be prepared

To be fair, he is 100% correct on this.

There's a huge difference between NIMBY and the aims of the far right, and I think most people know the difference. You can see the divide in the protests.

People who aren't racist who are NIMBY, full on far right thugs who dream of a race war.

I have a daughter but couldn't share a platform uncritically like that

And that's the key, critical thinking, that's not right or left thing. Having a moral compass and the intelligence to conisder both sides of any argument. I couldn't be with someone who lacked that intelligence.

Does he have friends? Does he get involved in any team or community activities? It seems that the less invested people are in the world immediately around them, the more they try to find this sense of purpose and belonging through the internet and unfortunately the online community of choice for your husband has been with the conspiracy theorists.

@Alicealig, do you seriously believe he could be right about the flat earth? Why?

I have a family member doing exactly this! Listens to pod casts all the time and getting worried. When I ask her why she is listening to them she says it’s because we all need to know what’s hapiening

I think its belief in things that are obviously false - I'm a physics teacher, have a degree in physics, but am still a Christian, do I believe in creation as it is written in the bible though, nope. I can't rule out a greater power scientifically, but I can offer proof it didn't happen in the timeframes or way suggested by the good book.

Your DH believes the earth is flat, that is concerning because its easy proved to be incorrect, photographs from space, the fact that things vanish over the horizon as you move away from them, gravitational force meaning every planet is a sphere, not just us.

There are elements of the moon landing conspiracy that are compelling as presented in conspiracy shows, but there were so many people involved in the project that faking it, and keeping the secret decades later would be impossible.

The illuminati did most certainly exist, but not as a cult dedicated to world domination, more a boys club for artists, philosophers and scientists of its day - and there is no evidence of its continued existence, not a shred.

Most of the people presenting these theories are slightly edgy, mad individuals, by no means in the mainstream, that tells you all you need to know.

I'd be concerned about your husbands ability to fall down these rabbit holes and that he is easily conned.

I find it hard to believe he’s not saying this in front of the kids. If he knows not to that would imply he knows his views are dangerous and wrong, and people who fall down the rabbit hole do not recognise it’s bonkers.

Either you know people will say you need to protect your children if you admit that or he does it when you’re not around

I couldn't be in a relationship with someone so fucking thick.

Firstly I would be concerned about his mental health.

Secondly, if it’s not psychosis then no, I couldn’t be with someone who had such opposing views. His beliefs will affect your dc even if they don’t yet. What happens when dc go to daddy for help with their geography homework.

I think it's probably the preaching aspect that is pulling you down. If he's doing that, he is basically saying he doesn't respect your opinions and, I suspect, thinks you're a stupid sheeple.

As you say, it's the difference between living with a religious person and respecting difference of faith and living with a religious fanatic. It sounds like he's basically trying to convert you and unlike say a Jehovah's witness you can't just not open the door to him. I couldn't live with that.

This might be of use https://www.bps.org.uk/research-digest/how-should-you-talk-loved-one-who-believes-conspiracy-theories

My usually rational cousin started going on about conspiracy theories. It turned out he had a brain tumour.

Re the UK being full, it really concerns me that people (previous posters) see "vast swathes of uninhabited countryside".
This isn't potential building plots, this is where we grow food. As a country we no longer produce enough food to feed our population.
Yet the government think it's fine to tax farmers to extinction.

This isn't so much about his having weird views, it's about him having become radicalised so that he is now obsessed with them and wants to do stuff like go on the marches (where he will meet other radicalised people and become more radicalised).

I would be planning to leave, sorry ;/ Deradicalising someone is difficult but maybe it will help him to realise what he has to lose.

The bottom line is that his sort of beliefs lead to bigotry. I would part company with a man.like thus.

If you could tolerate religious beliefs then why don’t you try and get him into a church to talk to a priest or vicar. Maybe he’s realising that our life is more than just TV, holidays, work, bed, mindless chatter. He’s obviously looking for some deeper meaning. As a Christian I can say my beliefs are logical, I don’t reject science, i think that the bible is backed up by archeology and historical evidence. There’s more evidence for Jesus than Julius Cesar. It sounds likes he’s been watching too many random YouTube videos. It’s easy to get sucked down the black hole due to the way the algorithm works.

People in a relationship can hold very different views, but it's the manner in which they are expressed and a willingness to discuss these views rationally without judgment that is important, and even to accept that you may be wrong. I've noticed conspiracy theorists can be irrational and just won't entertain any other logic that might disprove their views.

I'm a Christian and now hold to a literal 6 day creation, but I am not going to shout down others who don't believe it, I'm only too happy to talk about it and consider other viewpoints as I didn't arrive at that view overnight. I don't support other conspiracy theories such as no moon landing or the flat earth. Even if I did I wouldn't want to get into arguments with my other half about it or let it ruin my relationship. Those are my beliefs, I respect others have come to their own conclusions to arrive at what they believe in.

A healthy relationship has room for different views, but not when one person dips into a sort of extremism where they shout you down!

People often look to find meaning in different places after a traumatic event or tragedy, so it's possible that's what's happened after his health scare and the death of a family member; but now it seems it's spiralled out of control.

I think if the views aren't extreme/dangerous and you generally agree in other areas and get along well, then having different views to a partner isn't necessarily a deal breaker. I've had a friend for over 20years who has very different political views to me, but he never tries to convince me he's right - we just both enjoy the debate! He is able to calmly articulate his views, which are based on personal experience. He listens to my views; then we move on to something else.

In your situation, the problem for me would be that your DH doesn't appear to be capable of reasoned debate and clearly doesn't respect your difference of opinion. I also don't have much respect for anyone who thinks discoveries are made in stone and never change (e.g. the earth is flat). This goes for people with modern views of science as well - what we know now may change in the future based on our ability to discover more. I think I would try to discuss with him why he thinks it's important to explore these different beliefs right now, so you can gauge whether it is in response to trauma. It does sound like he may need some help.

I know a few men like this. They're actually pretty nice but deep down terrified of the world. All are heavy cannabis smokers.

I think the question you ask yourself is whether your values align, and if they don’t, is that something that is inportant to you in a relationship. There are lots of examples here of people with opposing views still getting on well other because those views are shared with respect. For me it’s about attitude, would I want to live with someone who shouted me down and did not value my perspective, even if they thought I was wrong? I don’t think so.

OP I am posting because I am in a very similar boat. All started during brexit/covid. He was formerly apolitical. We have an older child who like me views a lot of the theories and viewpoints as crackpot. We are a very long way down the road and mumsnet is full of people saying they would just leave. I find it very hard to countenance throwing a grenade into my whole life for this. If no kids and not a long history and complete financial entanglement I likely would.

I suspect many of the same themes come through. Let's not even get into it. And I'm 'brainwashed', he is very learned on it all. I believe he is in an echo chamber on the internet and he now loves ChatGPT - I had to point out that it adapts to you and tells you information in a way it believes you want to receive it. Eg on earth is flat (not one of his pet subjects but he has others) if you were not logged in it would be rational, for him as a 'truth seeker' it's likely to pose critical questions and be agreeable to the flatness...!

What gets me is the constant negativity, it's wearing. And I don't know how best to move forward.