Husband has got extreme views

[UnsureDifferences]

Name change on this to protect myself and family.
So my DH has over the past few years got more and more what I would call extreme views. He is into conspiracy theories, it started off by watching a few videos and being curious and now he full thinks that the illuminati are out to enslave us and talks about the earth being flat, which he is not sure about but goes on about it.
He is also fearful of immigration and is saying he will go on the marches and that we are being take over and that we need to be prepared.
I am an easy going educated person who leans slightly left and believes in science.
This is really getting me down as I am not sure I can be with him anymore if this is who he is now.
Aibu to leave him for having these different views. Or is it managable to continue on.
One part of me thinks it is similar to two people of different faiths being married, is this possible? Has anyone had a good relationship with someone with opposite political or religious views to them?
Any ideas as to what to do here.
Everything else is fine in our relationship

This is what I cant seem to reconcile in my head. If he was saying he believed say the bible creation story, why is that acceptable to me, as a non religious person that he believes that, but not that he beleives some other story that is say about the moon landing
I don't think you would be able to live with that in reality though. It's just that the conspiracy theories are your reality. My DH's family are very vocal atheists. He is atheist but doesn't go as far as his parents with the 'I can't believe people are so stupid'. I'm not religious but my family are. They are not stupid ( or creationist I don't think!) but they are people I love. If DH slagged off my mum and brothers constantly calling people like them stupid I would not be able to live with that. He has said he would not have married me if I was as religious as them.

I'd tell him to fuck off to beyond the ice wall.

I'd tolerate conspiracy theories for their entertainment value, but once they're being used to justify being a racist, I'd be done.

I have an uncle like this and within our family there’s two distinct approaches to him.

First one - people refuse to be around him. They won’t come to a function if he is there and stuff like that.

Second one - people will be around him and if he pipes up it’s a “pipe down Kev” or change the subject or “Kev no one asked”.

I am in the second camp because I genuinely think he has a bit of something wrong with him. He seems genuinely distressed at some things and he was always a bit strange. I also refuse to exclude his wife and kids (who also fall into the second camp). It’s really hard to help people like this, and the kind of help they need depends on why they’re like this. Some people are just a bit dim (I used to work in a pub and some of our regs fell into this category) but if the person is educated and used to have critical thinking, I tend to think it’s a different issues.

However - it’s different when it’s your husband I’m sure. I see my uncle maybe once a month; I don’t see him everyday. I wouldn’t judge my aunt if she divorced him and never looked back and I wouldn’t judge you either. How is his family? Does he have any support outside of you?

If he genuinely believed that woman had actually caused the downfall of man, because a talking snake convinced her to eat a forbidden apple, you'd think he'd lost his marbles.

On some level I think we give most religious people the benefit of the doubt, and think they don't believe literally, but in the meaning conveyed by the story.

It’s just two people with differing opinions. He accepts you alongside your views which don’t align with his, so maybe you could accept he has different views, no matter how alien they are to you. Just agree to disagree. But if this is a dealbreaker for you, then maybe consider separating. It may be he starts to dismiss his views in the future. I know someone who had conspiracy theories on the 9/11 attack, but who has now flipped on that, I guess due to getting more information.

I was responding to the pp whose argument was that the op should respect her husband’s views (including that the earth is flat) because he also holds the view that there’s too much immigration.

I did not make a judgement on immigration because that’s a whole different can of worms. But the pp’s argument is that because the OP’s husband holds one (arguably) valid view, his views deserve respect. If he said that the sun rises in the east but the earth is flat, would his views still deserve respect? Or do we just have to stick with those who share our views on immigration?

If you don't have children, I guess it's about what you can tolerate. Perhaps agree never to discuss politics?

If you have children, I would be more concerned about learned behaviour and views, especially if they are xenophobic or misogynistic (if he's telling you yours wrong, is it his views or that a woman/his wife is challenging him?).

Good luck. My dad has developed a similar mindset and I literally spend effort making sure we never talk about those topics.

Whilst religious people hold sone weird views I think the difference is most aren’t talking about them 24/7

This, basically.

Conspiracy and anti-science thinking does tend to go hand in hand with mental illness, so I'd tread carefully OP.

Years ago I bent over backwards to accommodate a DP's increasingly odd thinking, until he lost the plot completely (now in jail, as I discovered from the national press! - but probably has undiagnosed schizophrenia). It was such a shame, as he was great in bed!!! I think that's why I made such an effort to accept his "different" worldview, but looking back on it the whole thing was bonkers.

Umm he is not respecting her views though is he?

OP says he “goes on about it” and if she says she disagrees, he tells her she is wrong? I don’t think that is respectful is it. She’s not constantly saying her views to him.

It’s no bad thing to critique the government and protest about issues that matter to you for sure. But that’s quite different to believing the earth is flat and not knowing why, because you’re down a rabbit hole of believing online preachers. Just like blindly believing immigration to be the root of all issues in our current society.

Tbh i think a lot of differences can be overcome but values really need to align.

Are we talking a curiosity in these things or dogmatic agreement? How does he act if you disagree? Is he getting more extreme? How would you feel if he taught your children this stuff? If he sticks with this is it good enough?

It's not a 'go to explanation' for all @PeriJane where have I said that? Just in ones persons specific case this may have made them more vulnerable along with additional mental health crisis. I think the situation is far more nuance and complex, people get sucked in for all different kinds of reasons! Noone would deny that some neurotypical people also believe in extreme and implausible conspiracy theories such as flat earth. What are the reasons for this, perhaps lack of education/critical thinking skills, mental health issues, drugs induced paranoia, needing to feel part of something bigger, boredom with life/midlife crisis, echo chambers and internet algorithms resulting in convergent thinking...ad infinitum. I have noticed the people I've witnessed who have been involved in this area are all men in their 50's. Could be bias though as I've worked with many people in this particular bracket, or maybe this generation were not brought up with the internet like the generations before. Who knows? But I do find it interesting and perhaps also an emerging problem for society as a whole, and even perhaps democracy.

I think this is different to someone who is religious. Most religious people have been brought up that way and it's about more than the beliefs, its also about community and culture. Most truly religious people I know (unless they've very recently converted) are very tolerant of non believers and don't talk about their religion much unless asked.

Someone who believes the earth is flat is just stupid in my opinion (sorry). The complete lack of logic and inability to argue (countering every argument with 'that's what they want you to believe/ you're just brainwashed' would personally be a complete deal breaker for me.

However it might not be a deal breaker for everyone, I think it's a completely personal thing if you find it intolerable or not.

He is being indoctrinated and radicalised online as I assume he wasn’t like this when you married him? He needs help as he has clearly started to see the world in an irrational way. It’s all very negative and I imagine draining. Encourage him to see a health professional.

It would only irritate me if he was chewing my ear off every day and boring me with it.

It wouldn't bother me if I was married to someone who had different views on immigration or how the world works.

Everyone is entitled to their opinion.

There may some outward difference, but they are both wrong. 🙄

And both probably a bit thick.

The bit about immigration and the great replacement theory indicates to me that it's also political, as it always ends up being. Unfortunately, a lot of those conspiracy theories stem from the same source and their agenda is nasty. The more eccentric ones may seem harmless (flat earth, moon landing) but they all share one thing: learn to distrust science and government institutions. Replace all known facts by a faith based system (conspiracies are a belief system), and make the white male great again... Beware as it could have real life consequences for you and your DC (refusing vaccinations or questioning or undermining your rights as a woman). What I'm saying may never come to pass but I have first-hand experience through someone close which I've essentially lost to that bullshit. It's like a cult. Only he can drag himself out of the pit.

Why does it matter if they are wrong unless they are harming someone?

I have an issue with organised religion but I can still recognise that there are plenty of intelligent people who get great comfort from it and it guides them to lead better lives.

Calling them thick doesn’t give you the moral superiority you think but instead makes you look closed minded as if you were saying “if you don’t share my world view you must be stupid…”

What is he reading could it be that his social media algorims keep feeding him this stuff, so much fake news AI driven political nonsense been pedalled about on Facebook. Is he following regulated news channels? Other than challenging the views and reducing the content I’m not sure what else you can do. People can believe anything they want but I agree living around people who are vocal about them must be exhausting.

I’m not sure I could live with this - I’m also quite an educated person who leans to the left. Probably his views on immigration would do it for me.

Flat earthers. Do any of them know where the edge js? Can we visit it? Does it end in a big waterfall? Or is there just land with a massive drop into er, what? Space? Please let us know, we need more adventurous holidays. Most important òf all, can we fall off the edge? I think we should be told.

It does sound like it could be a manifestation of poor MH. The issue with faith is that only feeling faith proves it but if you want to say the moon landings didn’t you need a very coherent narrative to explain how the 12 who have been all agree they did, how the rock samples have been consistent, how equipment left behind generates data for Scientists who use it, how the data gathered plentiful and ultimately if the boffins who work the current science programs don’t see the gaps why he would expect to. I would find this very hard to tolerate for very long.

A friend became a conspiracy theorist in lockdown and she became ever more fixated on bizarre theories. Ultimately she withdrew from life and friends and her marriage failed. I never knew her ex that well but we are Facebook friends and god he looks happier! I feel real sadness for what she has lost out on and hope it hasn’t caused her daughter too much harm. I hope he recovers as you can’t live well together without respect.

No we'd only get eaten by the Nephilim roaming the great ice wall... (I have really heard that one, hand on heart)
To be fair to some of those conspiracies, creatively speaking some of them end up sounding like Game of Thrones (cool if you're into the fantasy genre).

There's something about a direction of travel. He didn't have all these views when you married him right? It's as if he is getting more extreme and strange views as time goes by. It would be like marrying someone who wasn't religious or had relatively mainstream religious beliefs and over time they became creationist and stop believing in evolution or they start to prepare for the Rapture.

Ah, silly me, I should have known, thank you. Personally, I'm a believer in the Great A'Tuin, the astral chelonian. Much better visuals. Oh, I miss Pratchett. I need him to make sense of the current chaos.