To not want my DD to go to sleepover

[Contraversialcatergory]

I fear this may be me not wanting to let my DD go but she’s been invited to a bday sleepover of one of the few girls in class who I like - the girls are 7 turning 8. It would be her first ever sleepover with friends, having said no thanks to the same girl two years ago when they were turning 6. I like the girl and trust the mum, though the two other girls who are going have both been very nasty in the last year to her. DD desperate to go because it’s quite a ‘grown up’ thing to do. I don’t like the idea of her being upset in the night and she doesn’t know the mum particularly well.

I can’t work out if my concerns are genuine or if I just don’t want my baby to grow up.

AIBU to not let her go?

So are you happy to have sleepovers at your house with your DH there but not allow your DC to sleepover at a house where there is a man/older male present?

No way. My kids sleep at my house. Sleepovers are totally unnecessary until secondary school.

We’re all quite middle class and don’t know anyone that bats an eyelid about sleepovers with known and trusted families.

Think ops reservations are totally reasonable though and her dds pretty young. Don’t love group sleepovers either we mostly did one on one with a best friend whose family we knew well. Luckily for us each Dd had a lovely friend with parents we were close to. Dd2 went on holiday with her friend and her family. Both girls have very happy childhood memories.

I'm sorry to hear that x

It was a long while ago. But I'm also sure my parents thought i was safe there. Although I had sleepovers at friends houses also _ without any problems.

Just doesn't make sense why people say they will let their kids sleepover at family members but not friends. I think it's like over 90% of SA is from family members

Yes. I’m as confident as it’s possible to be that my own husband isn’t a child molester, because we have been together since we were teenagers and have spent nearly 24/7 together since we first lived together as he works from home and I don’t work. I have pretty much unrestricted access to his electronics, not by request, but because he’s never been secretive at all. And even so - I am fully aware that I can’t truly know what he could be capable of, because paedophiles don’t generally announce their desires to their friends and family. This isn’t a relationship and level of trust I could ever have with my children’s friends dads, therefore I’m not comfortable with them being in the same house as my child while everyone is asleep. It absolutely isn’t worth the risk to me for the negligible benefit of having sleepovers at other people’s houses.

I would completely understand if the parents of one of my children’s friends wasn’t comfortable with sleepovers for the same reasons I’m not though - and I’d happily have their children over for daytime/evening activities. But as many parents are comfortable with sleepovers, and I’m happy to host (In fact, I think it sounds like great fun!), then having them at my house seems like a logical compromise.

Trust your gut feeling!! We have 4 children (eldest is 14) and don’t allow sleepovers. We allow staying till 10pm then collect them and if it’s local I will drop back in the morning to join for breakfast. Each to their own but it’s a definite no from me.

YANBU. I think I’ll set an age of 10 minimum for sleepovers when my DD is older.

Just seems extremely hypocritical. So you are happy with others taking what you see as a risk to let their children stay at yours with your unimpeachable Dh but you don’t allow your own child to take the same “risk” (as you see it) and stay at theirs?

That must be area dependent as all primary schools here have them.

I do understand. But you're basically saying, sorry my kids can't sleep at your house because your DH/son could be a child abuser but your kids can sleep at mine because my DH isn't.

Also men have burner phones so the checking tech is futile.

What a lot of trash.

7 seems a perfectly normal age for a sleepover to me, and going to the house of a good friend seems like a good place to start.

Id practice a few things to do if the other girls aren't being kind (such as telling the mam), but at that age I'd expect there'd be reasonable supervision.

I'd also be ready to collect at bedtime if need be.

I would say no. She’s far too young for a sleepover. I come from two different angles on this one . Number one: safeguarding- do you know the parents and other children well enough not to sexually hurt her? - answer you never know who is safe and not safe. The things I’ve come across as a teacher - I just wouldn’t let a child who can’t physically defend themselves or be able to properly explain or understand matters be put into that situation. Second - as a mum- going on a sleepover with two children who have been nasty to her means she could potentially have an awful time and sleepovers aren’t over in an hour , it could drag on all night. At the very least wait until she’s at-least in secondary school and it’s with children that like her and respect her.

Yes, I do actually have more faith that my husband is not a child molester than someone else’s husband, given I do not know them, and I would not be present if my children were to be sleeping at their houses. I actually feel like the people calling this hypocritical must be existing on a different plane of existence to me. I would also be happy for my husband to take my child into the bathroom alone, but not some other random man who I haven’t known for my whole adult life? And yes, my standards for my own children are that I’m not comfortable with them staying at other people’s houses, but I understand and acknowledge that other people don’t see it as a risk - thus, I’m happy to host.

I wasn’t allowed sleepovers growing up and I really hated it, felt left out for no real reason. Yes, be sensible, but thinking every friend’s house is a den of predators is just catastrophising. Most kids sleepovers are perfectly normal and fun. They're very common at the school my daughter is at, though she's not had any yet as only year 1

Isn’t that for each parent to work out themselves, what they are ok/ not ok with? She’s facilitating sleepovers at her own home but that doesn’t mean that either she should therefore allow her kids to go to other sleepovers or that other kids should want to come to hers?

I couldn't care less if it is hypocritical.
I will make any and every decision that put my childrens safety first, as best I can.
Impressing other parents forms no part of that.

Great idea from pp to let her go to tea!

Well perhaps you are on a different plane of existence who knows? I just find it odd that you would say to your DCs friends parents sorry my DC can't sleep at yours in case your DH/son is a child abuser but your child can stay at mine because my DH definitely isn't and you can trust him.

I wouldn't let my DC stay at a house I didn't know the family really well, including the DH/sons, so no random men taking them to the loo!

We have done sleepovers very occasionally and, I won’t do them again. Although I have felt like I knew the parents I later felt a bit uncomfortable about some of the activities. Also we have had to do two midnight runs to pick up a very upset child.

So now it’s a no and dd is 11. I don’t think we will agree to them again for quite a while.

That’s not true. I’m in Scotland and most of the schools round here have a residential trip in P6 (age 10-11).

My kids all had sleepovers from younger than this. They loved sleepovers so much and never had a bad experience at this age. I think it is a special and exciting experience which they really treasure.

Primary 7 residentials are really common here surely? Lots of schools do them round here - central Scotland.
One of mine went to a Girls Brigade sleepover in the village hall aged 5 , and sleepovers with friends soon after that . She was quite confident , her sister not so much so later, but still primary age. They’re all different.