To not want my DD to go to sleepover

[Contraversialcatergory]

I fear this may be me not wanting to let my DD go but she’s been invited to a bday sleepover of one of the few girls in class who I like - the girls are 7 turning 8. It would be her first ever sleepover with friends, having said no thanks to the same girl two years ago when they were turning 6. I like the girl and trust the mum, though the two other girls who are going have both been very nasty in the last year to her. DD desperate to go because it’s quite a ‘grown up’ thing to do. I don’t like the idea of her being upset in the night and she doesn’t know the mum particularly well.

I can’t work out if my concerns are genuine or if I just don’t want my baby to grow up.

AIBU to not let her go?

The most important thing for me is whether you trust the other mum.
I would speak to her about keeping an eye on the other two, and say you want her to call you and you are happy to come and pick her up at any time if there is any problem.
Is she friends with the other two? Presumably she doesn’t mind them if she wants to go. Kids that age can make mean remarks to each other and then move on and become friendly. Obviously if you think the other two are waiting for any excuse to pounce on her then don’t do it, but are you overthinking this part ? How does your DD feel about being alone with them? If it was really bullying she might not want to go?

Crikey my children all went for sleepovers from age of 5 !I had their friends staying here as well.Cannot remember any dramas apart from kiddo’s getting a bit boisterous.
They had absolutely no negative experiences,maybe overtired the next day but that was ok . Not sure what parents are expecting TBH apart from hysterical thoughts about paedo parents!! . It’s all a part of having memories.I can remember my sleepovers many years ago and it was fun but tiring.

It’s nothing to do with problematic families. My children just won’t be having sleepovers with anyone other than family members until they are of a certain age regardless of how much I may trust them. They aren’t missing out in anyway and they aren’t harmed by our supposed irrational fears despite what other posters may think. They can have play dates up until a certain time then it’s back home.

If my views were genuinely coloured by my experience in work I wouldn’t let them out the house knowing what could happen to them and honestly there has been the odd occasional where it’s been a struggle!

They are missing out. Sorry but they are. Sleepovers are an absolute staple of a child’s social life. Some of my happiest memories were sleepovers at my best friends house as a child same for my dds.

We were fortunate that we are in a community and became firm friends with some of the parents of dds friends so their houses were like second homes and vice versa. Teens now they all still talk fondly of their play dates and sleepovers. That said if you have reservations I would say no.

No.

'Grown up?' That's the point. She's not. She's very very young and it's a very big step.

I was on the edge of a nasty bullying thing as a child and it did a lot of harm.

Girls can be vile and away from mum, away from home, in a strange house, in the middle of the night, with nothing familiar to turn to? - no.

She will initially be very upset (but possibly secretly relieved to be able to moan about unreasonable mum without losing face - and without having to take the risk).

Time to Mum.

This is a great idea!

Your DD seems to want to sleepover so I'd be looking at ways you can make that happen for her

We said no to sleepovers. Its your choice.

My granddaughter's school are sending P7 pupils on a residential trip this term. Perhaps it varies in different council areas?

Mines only just been to her first sleep over just before her 9th birthday. She loved it, i wasn’t comfortable before then plus the girl and mum hosting really are lovely and i fully trust them.

I thought the reality was that children are more likely to be abused by family members.

Crikey mine has been going on sleepovers since she was 5/6. She’s 10 now. Her primary has been doing a residential every year since Y3 so 7/8. We are in a rural community, so don’t know if that makes a difference.

Parents have allowed their children to sleepovers at various ages, depending on the child. There are a couple of children I would never have had stay as they are known to bully. But by and large, they are a lovely set of friends, having a fun and innocent childhood .

My kids have been on sleepovers since that age but we’ve always known the families really well. Both been on brownies / cubs nights away too. They both loved it and I’d be sad to have had them miss out.

however, the bullying girls thing would put me off .

whatever you decide be honest. Don’t say you’re busy etc say you don’t feel comfortable

Mine were going to sleepovers at 7. I’d feel bad if my DD was desperate to go and other friends went and she wasn’t allowed. 7-8 isn’t too young for sleepovers in my opinion.

Missing out?

I must say the attitude on this thread of some of the pp who think sleepovers at very very young ages is no big deal is really unpleasant and dismissive of those who are not happy with the idea.

Some pp come over as very casual about the welfare of their own child and mocking of those who have make different judgements to their own.

The irony being that statistically it’s family members who pose the most risk and who are most likely to be abusers.

OP, you may feel she’s too young now but be prepared that she’s going to keep asking and you’re going to have to get your head around the fact that she isn’t a baby anymore.

It is young, but my DD is similar age & has done sleepovers this summer. But I think it depends on how well you know the mum & if you trust her. Also if they are close friends with no issues (which it sounds like there are here). There are girls I would let my DD sleep over their house & girls I definitely wouldn't!

A 1-1 sleepover with a best friend is very different to a group sleepover with a group that has a history of being nasty.

Suggesting a separate sleepover with good friend sound a good compromise

Thanks all for your feedback and good food for thought. I do trust the mum though I don’t know her well, and I really like the bday girl. One of the other two girls was nasty ro DD most of last academic year. Whilst they mostly play separately/ seem fine this year I sense that she is generally a precocious little madam who I can’t trust won’t upset my DD in the night.

the other girl I don’t particularly like and has a lot more treats and screen time than my DD so I don’t like the idea of her spending the night really.

It’s okay to risk getting upset to try something you (dd in this case) really want to have a go at. Getting upset isn’t a hugely awful thing to happen. And learning that you can try something, it not go well, and then life is fine again is in itself a very useful thing to learn and a building block of resilience.

Jeez the attitude on this thread is odd, harming our kids if we dont allow sleepovers at 5? Far too young, I wonder if this is a class/community thing. My children wont be going on sleepovers until secondary, exactly the same as me, it wasnt weird where I live in the 90s and it isnt weird now. Both my kids are sociable, lots of playdates, parties etc but I dont know anyone that does sleepovers at this age where we are.

An absolute staple? In your experience, maybe. I wasn’t allowed til I was 11 or 12 or so, but nor did I want to. I don’t remotely feel like I’ve missed out on some vital part of childhood. I’m sure OP’s kids and mine have plenty of happiest memories; not allowing sleepovers doesn’t equate to childhood deprivation. Great that you and your DD enjoyed them but let’s not pretend it’s a necessary part of childhood.

None of DD6’s friends have sleepovers, just extended family holidays/visits/weekends where they pretend they’re having a sleepover with their cousins, share a room, etc, but the difference is their parents are all there, it’s family. At six, none of them are ready to be away from parents overnight. Friends’ houses are a home from home here too, in the daytime.

Mine loved having and going to sleepovers. Being away from you for a short time is part of growing up and learning resilience. And most importantly she wants to go Yabu.

Absolutely agree.

This is exactly what I was going to say! Surely someone that works in child protection knows that very well?

OP - my hesitation would be around the friendship issues more than anything. If you have any hint that this might still be a problem I wouldn't send her. I thought the idea of birthday girl coming to you for a sleepover was a great compromise!