To not want my DD to go to sleepover

[Contraversialcatergory]

I fear this may be me not wanting to let my DD go but she’s been invited to a bday sleepover of one of the few girls in class who I like - the girls are 7 turning 8. It would be her first ever sleepover with friends, having said no thanks to the same girl two years ago when they were turning 6. I like the girl and trust the mum, though the two other girls who are going have both been very nasty in the last year to her. DD desperate to go because it’s quite a ‘grown up’ thing to do. I don’t like the idea of her being upset in the night and she doesn’t know the mum particularly well.

I can’t work out if my concerns are genuine or if I just don’t want my baby to grow up.

AIBU to not let her go?

I would say no to this too OP

Thanks everyone and clearly a 50/50 split! I’m still on the fence myself lol

Far too young, wouldn't dream of allowing it, much less when a couple of the children have previously been unkind to yours.

Have the birthday girl over to yours another day.

“Sleepovers are a fantastic and exciting childhood experience”…………

maybe for some but certainly not for everyone

I stuck by my guns and my kids have no mental health issues because I didn’t let them go to some randome peoples house potentially with older siblings discussing unsuitable stuff, showing them things on iPads, no control over devices etc…. etc……

they had loads of play dates and trips out with friends and we’ve been away for the weekend with friends BUT with all the parents there.

i don’t regret my decision at all - go with your gut instinct and if it doesn’t feel right then don’t do it.

We were doing sleepovers at 7 BUT, only with one other child and I wouldn’t have entertained him going to any sleepover where there were other nasty little shit children!

I think I’d probably have a quiet word with the mum and voice your concerns about the other girls potentially being nasty and could your daughter and the birthday girl perhaps have a sleepover for two another time?

Is there time to try a 1:1 sleepover first? We didn't see a lot of group sleepover parties until a year or two later but my daughter had sleepovers with her bestie from around 8 or so - an my son from slightly earlier as his bestie happens to be a family friend.

There were a whole host of sleepover parties when they all turned 10 and my daughter had about a 50% success rate at them - some not great times but lots of fun too. Nothing dramatic, the girls just all started fighting half way through the night as they all got too tired. After a few of these there was an informal decision that sleepover parties shouldn't be loads of kids at once, they got older and it all calmed down with just a few broken friendships.

Personally I felt much better about it once my daughter had a phone as then she could call me if she needed to. She's autistic and has anxiety so there's a 0% chance she'd ask another adult for anything.

So personally I'd look to do a 1:1 sleepover first - both ways - and see how that goes before wading into sleepover parties!

Just been chatting to a friend about this, shes a police officer.
she said it’s a safeguarding nightmare - they have no end of calls to it and it can also open people up to all sorts of false allegations which is an angle I’d not even considered, especially if the kids are just “people from school you don’t know very well”

I mean the whole thing is just a bit
un-necessary all in all I’d say and would I have to wanted 3-4 screaming 7 year old girls keeping me up all night????

not really no!

I have also just asked my oldest daughter she’s 14 now she said at the time she felt it was a bit unfair but now shes older she totally gets it and is grateful I didn’t put her in a potentially dangerous situation or a potential breeding ground for bullies. She said one girl In her yeargroup started her periods at a year 5-6 group sleepover and the whole yeargroup then found out and it was awful for her - I’d forgotten about that incident but this girl never apparently recovered from it with is another downside.

I'm not against sleepovers..... but I would have to know the family well. My oldest who is autistic wouldn't entertain going anywhere without me. However my youngest is way more sociable and older headed than her older sister.
She has had sleepovers with her friend next door at their house and at my house. My daughter and hwr friend are 10 now and have been doinf this since around 8 years old. School friends she hasn't had a sleepover, but she has been on a school residential in year 5.

This is very naive. I also work in child protection and know people who have been found to have sexually abused children and they are very well regarded in the community, no one would ever guess.

We had a referral of sexual abuse from an 8 year old last week, alleged her best friends dad touched her on a sleepover. The families live in the same estate and no doubt trusted each other.
The referrals I have seen from sleepovers made it a definite no from me until my children we older.

So agree @Rumours1
The norm with children is they most likely know their abuser well.
No sleepovers here till secondary school, age 14.

Fortunately my children were never pushed and it wasn't the norm at all in our circle.
My children have kept friends from reception class, of 20+ years.
I never regretted my decision to be cautious.

You can be the very best parent and have everything destroyed by a predator known to your family.

My very close friend is a barrister and she said it is overwhelmingly family and close friends/ neighbours that are opportunistic predators.

Every single woman I know, has had a brush with a predator.
The lucky ones, like me, was "just" a handsy neighbour etc., .....he never got a second chance as I studiously avoided him.
Turns out I wasn't the only child he was creepy with.
He was never convicted of anything.

But in the countryside you had to be very very wary of bachelor farmers, or bachelor neighbours or uncles....notorious for being creeps among young girls.

We often didn't have the language, but we all knew.

Childhoods are so easily destroyed, and as a parent I would never ever forgive myself.

Can you imagine how vulnerable she would feel if the bullies started being nasty to her and she had no defence or anyone to help her. She might also feel bad about involving/waking up the girls parents because she is too young to understand or deal with the situation. It would be a definite no from me.

My parents pretty much never allowed me to go to sleepovers, or have anyone over to sleep at mine (despite me having a spare single bed in my bedroom). In fact, the only one I can remember was my friends 15th birthday - I was so excited as it was my first one! I hated missing out when all my friends were having sleepovers. I was part of a larger friendship group at primary school, but I was very much the outsider/hanger-on and I wonder now if it was because the friendships became so much closer at these social opportunities.

My kids haven’t had many sleepovers - although they’ve had friends sleepover here. My middle son was only ever invited once, which he loved, my youngest who’s now 13 has only been invited to his cousin. I would allow it from around 6/7 if I knew the parents and I was confident they’d ring me to collect my child if they needed me to.

Apologies if the thread has moved on - I usually read all the OP replies, but I wanted to share how I felt by not being allowed when my friends all were!

Why are they allowed to stay with family members then. Still risky

I've always let my DC go.. It's always been up to them. I'd only stop it if I thought a parent/ parent's partner / a live in grandparent / sibling etc may be untrustworthy and a safeguarding concern.

Yeah child protection work here and I didn’t let mine do sleep overs until much older. Lots of children came to our house to have a sleepover. They did residential trips. As for the person who asked about why BIL would be safe - honestly I treated all makes like they might be predators as work tells me the ends they will go to for gratification are not revealed by the version of them presented to society. my children wouldn’t have known I was doing this. I probably have more male friends than an average woman but I would very rarely presume a man was a safe person. It might not be a likely problem but when the impact can be so huge it’s not worth it for me.

My friend's daughter went on a school residential aged 6. It' wasn't that unusual where they lived

I definitely think it’s a class thing. I grew up on a council estate with an unemployed, never-married single mother who spent most weekends out at clubs while her children were with grandparents, and having your children sleep at other people’s houses was treated very casually. I actually think I had far fewer sleepovers than others raised in similar circumstances just because of my own grandparents’ willingness to have us almost every weekend, but even so, I spent lots of time sleeping at friend’s houses. Now, as an adult with a middle-class husband, who has been exposed to more people’s experiences, I realise that sleepovers are seen as quite differently by those of the class that are more likely to be informed, engaged and appropriate parents. My husband and most of his siblings/friends/peers had very few or no sleepovers in their childhoods, and certainly not before the age of 12-13+.

Nothing bad ever happened to me at a sleepover, but I also didn’t have any particularly formative experiences there, so I really don’t see that a child who never has a sleepover is being deprived of anything. When they are of that age, I will be very happy to host sleepovers and garden camping for my children’s friends whose parents are comfortable with it, but sleepovers at other houses are a big no. Maybe with the exception of a single-mother household with no post-pubescent sons.

You've said several times @Contraversialcatergory how worried you are about DD in the night. Knowing 2 of the girls have been unkind fo your daughter I really wouldn't risk it. She will be shattered and extremely emotional the next day and that's without anything else happening. If it's a come round at 4 and have dinner first thing, speak to the Mum and see if she can attend the food & movie bit first then maybe collect her at 8 to sleep at home. Just say you have something else on the following morning if needs be. If it doesn't feel 100% right that's because it probably isn't. Good luck with your choice :)

My DD is 10 and never had a sleep over with friends - just don't want her to. Lots of sleepovers with grandparents, so not a problem there.
As there are going to be girls who aren't reliably nice to your DD at the sleepover, that would be an absolute no from me. Your are exposing your child to children you would clearly prefer her to not be with. Only compromise might be she goes over for the presleep bit and then comes home.
Maybe see if you can arrange a sleepover another time when it's just the 2 of them.

It’s a personal choice.

I will not allow my daughter to have sleep overs when she is older. I don’t think the risks about weigh the fun.

Nope.

i had lots of sleepovers with grandparents. Didn't stop my grandfather sensually abusing me. Would've probably been after at a friend's house

From what you’ve said - I’d say no. Too young with the context you described. Would she feel able to speak up to the mum and ask to call you to collect?

Sexual abuse often by those closest. So those saying ok with family - be careful! Horrible to think about it but so many stories of uncles/GFs etc.

Sorry you experienced this. Literally just posted that family doesn’t mean safer.