To not want my DD to go to sleepover

[Contraversialcatergory]

I fear this may be me not wanting to let my DD go but she’s been invited to a bday sleepover of one of the few girls in class who I like - the girls are 7 turning 8. It would be her first ever sleepover with friends, having said no thanks to the same girl two years ago when they were turning 6. I like the girl and trust the mum, though the two other girls who are going have both been very nasty in the last year to her. DD desperate to go because it’s quite a ‘grown up’ thing to do. I don’t like the idea of her being upset in the night and she doesn’t know the mum particularly well.

I can’t work out if my concerns are genuine or if I just don’t want my baby to grow up.

AIBU to not let her go?

The risks will come if there are men/older boys in the house.

If it’s a single Mum with daughters that’s fine.

Same with extended families, absolutely not safe if men are about. (Most child sex abuse is male family, often extended, members).

In the Lothians it’s a 3 night stay in P7 either at Benmore or Lagganlia. The kids get so much out of it. Some schools have residentials from P5 upwards.

Same, no one has turned down any sleepover invites to ours, and none have been turned down to anyone else in DD1's class. One mum was a bit worried and said she didn't think her daughter woyod stay, but sent her with pj's just in case and said for me to call at 9/10pm to let her know. Her daughter was absolutely fine, no wobbles, had a great time. I think this was probably mum projecting her fears, which is understandable, we all do this at points. But she knew better than to let her fears hold her daughter back. As parents we need to examine our fears and see if they are truly in our child's bests interests.

The bullies would make me pause, but we can't always keep children in a bubble. If OP's DD feels she can handle them, then good for her.

Really, my daughter can't have friends to sleepover because I have a DH! Strangely, no one has ever had an issue with this.

The biggest risk to children is male members of their OWN family, not male members of someone else's.!

Every situation has risks. Getting in a car every day is a risk. I got sexually assaulted multiple times by a boy at school- does that mean my parents shouldn't have sent me to school? No it doesn't!

Hey OP ..
No I definitely wouldn’t allow sleepover 7/8 , it’s just too young ..
The fact there will be two there that you said have been nasty during the year , ( bullies )would seal the deal for me , def NO WAY ! !
You know yourself when there will be 4 girls in a room , (it makes no odds that the mom is nice )..
Anything at all could be going on , & your little lady will not seek out the mom to tell her , she’s 7/8 ..
Her friend won’t say anything either for fear of not being left have a sleepover again ..
Go with your gut & that’s to say no x

I'm just not sure why a paedophile would need a sleepover to harm a child. Are these children never allowed contact with men or adolescent boys? I was abused twice as a child once by a teenager girl who was baby sitting and once by my doctor while my mother was sitting in the same room. No need for sleepovers for it to happen.

trust your gut, always OP

Amazing that you know so definitely what the OPs child and the child hosting the sleepover would do.

Yes , I do believe in quite amazing , Thankyou pp 😂

I’m

Maybe you could tell a white lie that you're going somewhere early the next day and just pick your DD up at bedtime?

Yep P7 residentials are very much the norm!

Why all this focus on paedophiles for heaven's sake?

There are a lot of reasons for not wanting a very young child to sleep in unfamiliar surroundings in stranger's house. Inappropriate sexual behaviour from someone at that house is if course a small possibility but there are other much more likely scenarios such as the child just not being happy away from their Mum/ own family at night.

I’m not against sleepovers and my dd had them at a similar age but this was with neighbours families, where the kids were basically in and out of each others houses all day anyway and I knew the parents well. The issue you have here is that your dd has no way of contacting you (independently) if she wants you to pick her up at any point. Perhaps with just the birthday girl this wouldn’t be as bad, but 4 girls, 1 of whom especially has been nasty to your dd, nope, I would pick up at an agreed time.

Very common for p.7 in my area of Scotland. Dd had one and had an absolute blast.

Yes but my post was about the posts saying no sleepovers if a man in the house or older brothers.

@Contraversialcatergory If it had only been your DD and her friend that you like at her mum's that you trust I would say you would be unreasonable not to let her have a try.

However, there are 2 girls there who have bullied your DD (one who physically assaulted her!) so no way I would let my child have a sleepover if they were present. Explain this to the mum - she will surely understand. Explain to your DD that you are taking this decision in order to protect her and that she is allowed to go another time if it's just her and her friend.

Also Scotland and my DS went on school residentials in both P5 (Glasgow, stayed in a hotel) and P6 (outdoor centre).

If you don’t think your daughters ready then you should be maybe talking to her about strategies if she wakes up in the night scared, or can’t get to sleep, etc. first sleepover will happen at some point else it’s residential in year 6 which isn’t the best ‘baptism of fire’ in my opinion.

But sleep overs are a good friendship former and a good step for independence in my opinion.

have you also had a friend over to yours for a sleepover? Could you ask the girl over and drop hints that you want a sleepover back with mouth others?

My DD’s school only ever had p7 residentials and as I’ve already said it was changed to day trips only after Covid so neither of mine were offered the overnights.

I never understand this really people freak out over sleepovers as you have no idea who is in the house etc etc saftet But then oh well they can stay until 10/11 bed time and collect.

like that is going to somehow prevent something if there is a dodgy person in the house.

I never understand this really people freak out over sleepovers as you have no idea who is in the house etc etc saftet But then oh well they can stay until 10/11 bed time and collect.

like that is going to somehow prevent something if there is a dodgy person in the house.

Same. Don’t hang out with dodgy families and get to know your children’s friends parents very well. I know then I will be got at by saying “you can never tell” etc but if you know them well and that they are a family with similar values who you are friends with with same age kids no older siblings reckon the risks are pretty minimised. Why is a brother in law safer than a well known jolly dad you have been friends with for years?

Also if you work in the field it doesn’t necessarily mean you are best placed to assess the risks it means your views are skewed. My BIL was terrified of childbirth he was a senior consultant and never came into contact with “normal” births as he was only involved when they went really really wrong.

I’m so relieved to read this! My youngest was happy to go to a girls brigade sleepover aged barely 5… with her friend of the same age. I let mine whenever they felt happy to go to be honest. 14 or 15 seems nuts . Mobile phones weren’t common at the time either.

I think I’d take a middle ground between some of the posters here. 7/8 is at the lower end of the age I’d be happy with sleepovers with friends. I think if it’s a family you know well, have spent time with them and in their home it’s probably ok.

Otherwise not, I wouldn’t be happy with this happening when I’d barely met the family.

You can’t eliminate all risks and can’t assume everyone had nefarious intentions but you can do some basic safeguarding.
Who is there, is there a new partner you don’t know, are there older teens with friends hanging out and drinking. Will the parents be getting pissed or having their friends round when the sleepover is happening.

I’d say no to this invitation mainly because of the mean girls and the chance your daughter or another girl might get picked on and left out.

I’d be honest with the mum about why and I think her reaction will tell you a lot about how she would handle this sort of thing.