Being asked to downplay my ds GCSE results.

[Ohdearwhatnow4]

My DS smashed his GCSEs he got well over predicted and surprised everyone. He has sen and used school more for the social side of things, in all honesty he's been a shit at times. We thought he'd pass but not get 8's and 9's, we're surprised and really chuffed for him. He was always going to the local college and had chosen what his next step would be. My DSIL has a son in the same year, diffrent schools. He was expected to do amazing and go onto 6th form but unfortunately this hasn't been the case and he needs to resit. I've had a message from her asking me not to mention my ds results to anyone as she's embarrassed as she told everyone her ds was going to smash it. I don't do social media or anything but if family ask I'm not going to down play it as he did get amazing results (not saying he deserves them as he never studied or anything) One of my other DC failed their A-Levels and had to resit so whilst disappointing it's not the end of the world and she should be proud of what he got. DS and some mates are having a big sleepover in a field next weekend, in tents and I know not all of them got the results they wanted but they all should be proud of themselves and I won't stop them celebrating (she's not actually asked me to cancel yet)

Just told his 2 older siblings about it and they said they're putting it on social media. I've talked um out of it for now. Meant to get easier as they get older

You've stopped your kids celebrating their brother's achievements to spare the feelings of a grown ass woman?

Come on, OP.

Prioritise your own kids' feelings. You're letting the jealousies of others outshine a moment for him that should be special.

Apologies if I've missed this but how did your SIL know your son's results?

"My DSIL has a son in the same year, diffrent schools. He was expected to do amazing and go onto 6th form but unfortunately this hasn't been the case and he needs to resit. I've had a message from her asking me not to mention my ds results to anyone as she's embarrassed as she told everyone her ds was going to smash it."
Tough shit, SIL, pride goes before a fall.

It is an unreasonable request she has made, and her embarrassment is not your problem (much as she is trying to make it your problem)! I would be responding along the lines of 'I am very proud of him and I cannot believe that you think I should behave as if I am not'.

Wow, literally not a good word to say have you ?

I am sorry for your nephew, it must be hard to have a mother who sets your targets for you then tries to push your actual results under the carpet because she is ashamed of them. Perhaps next time she will realise that telling everyone he was going to ace his GCSEs possibly sent him the message that he didn’t need to try too hard.

BUT Huge congratulations to your boy for his hard work and well deserved achievement. Of course you can and must tell everyone who asks, and quite a few who don’t ask but might be interested!!!

ps any chance the cousin can be invited to the camp out? He might enjoy a distraction .

Pride comes before a fall and all that, for your SIL. She can’t stop you from telling people, however neither do you need to go around boasting. My older child got straight 7/8/9 but I didn’t tell anyone unless they asked, and even then I usually just said they’d done really well unless asked specifically what grades.

Have I read the last sentence of your OP correctly? Why would your DSIL ask you to cancel a celebration that’s nothing to do with her?

Short of actually gloating in front of your nephew, which you've no intention of doing anyway, you aren't doing anything wrong. I don't have children, but I do have SEN and while some aspects of formal education were easy for me, others were a miserable slog. When I passed all my A' Levels, albeit at low grades, but enough for my insurance offer, you can bet your sweet life my parents basked in my reflected glory and I was pleased to let them. Our family had had years of being compared to everyone else's and found wanting, and now it was our turn. If I had children, I hope I'd be proud of them when things went well and supportive when they didn't - and both when things went better than expected, throwing any low-key expectations up in the air. Being jealous of your DS's success and asking you to restrain your delight will do nothing to help her help her DS formulate a strategy for his resits - and surely that's her priority?

OP let him and his siblings celebrate his achievements however they want. I certainly wouldn’t be stopping them from putting them on social media if that’s what they want. You’re proud of him, and you don’t seem the type to brag anyway, so if people ask I would just tell them. He’s clearly worked hard and his achievements should be celebrated. SiL is being incredibly mealy mouthed about this instead of treating it as a teachable moment for her son. There are disappointments in life and the lesson is in how to put aside your own disappointment for long enough to be happy for others.

If her ds has amazing results do you think she would be keeping it a secret? Seriously, tell who you want. Congratulations too.

If she comes back at you, tell her you would be letting DS down so so badly if you didn't celebrate his achievement. You're sure she wouldn't have done that if things were switched, because she's a good mum too.

I wouldn't go shouting all over social media or volunteer the information but I'd certainly say "DC did really well. He worked very hard and we are so proud of him" if people asked.

It’s my opinion, which is what the thread is for.

Never downplay anyone’s brilliance and their achievements. Ever. There are so many people out there who will happily run down others and not many who will sing your dc’s praises. Tell who you want and burst with pride. Well done your boy!

Nothing the matter with being polite and not rubbing your son's success in his cousin's face. But of course you should be pleased and tell people. And your nephew probably already knows and is likely to be mad at himself for not doing well and really mad at his mom for being so OTT about the whole thing - before and after.

Absolutely spot on. Ignore the silly woman and let your family celebrate publicly if they want to.

I've had a message from her asking me not to mention my ds results to anyone

To anyone?! How bizarre-I wouldn't be unkind or rub her nose in it but to ask you not to mention it to anyone is totally unreasonable.

The sleepover thing is strange. That has nothing to do with her-why does she ever know about it? What makes you think she might ask you to cancel it?!

Your ‘D’SIL is bonkers. Be proud of your son, tell everyone you know how well he’s done! And he does deserve it!

Hope your SIL learns in future not to make comments on her son's brilliance before exams and No, she can't expect you to keep quiet to protect her own stupidity.

Immediate family you tell the results but everyone else surely you say “he did really well thank you, we’re super proud” and leave it at that. No one outside grandparents care more than that - did he get what he needed? Yes. Okay cool… onwards.

Be loud, be proud but be mindful…..
My DD has always been a superstar at school, but because my friends children of the same age weren’t so academically gifted I always downplayed DD’s achievements so as not to make people feel bad.
That was until my DD asked why I was never proud of her doing well. She had noticed that I downplayed.
She just got 3 A stars and an A at level and I am shouting from the rooftops. I don’t ever want her to think I’m not proud of her ever again

I completely flunked my A levels first time around, over 40 years ago.
sure, it was painful on the day, I was upset. I felt left out of all the things my friends were talking about re going to university

BUT, within 3 years I knew it was the best thing that ever happened to me. Stayed that way till I had kids, but still , even though now retired, believe it taught me such a valuable lesson that my career would never have happened without that failure

it’s what happens next that’s important to the person who failed . Do the parents support to really help them understand why they failed ? In my case I never really understood how my teachers taught. I got a private tutor for my maths…and she was brilliant…she taught me how I thought, built my confidence, gave me conviction there is no such thing as a dumb question.etc

I also saw over the years, many of my cohorts flunk exams one year or other at university. Frankly the earlier they did it the better the outcome overall. It’s those that crash in university final year that have the biggest knock as they can’t put it right academically very easily

Support the young person who has failed ( or not done as well as expected) and tell the mother she is not helping by pretending it never happened and burying her head in sand. She needs to make it safe for her child to discuss and talk about what happened, how to move on positively and have greater understanding of his personal learning style.

so id just disagree and say that you’re not going to keep it secret. You’ll be straight when asked. And that is because it is not the end of world or something she should be ashamed about, or her son. It is a set back, at a suitably young age when it can be fixed, and there is a massive opportunity for a very positive long term outcome

Yanbu

I'd tell ds to be careful not to rub it in his cousins face (obviously i'm sure he wouldn't!) But i would be telling everyone how proud you are of him!

Well done to your ds x

Be proud of your awesome son for doing so well. Don't embarrass him obviously but enjoy his success!

My older 2 would of done it on Thursday if they wanted to, they only want to do it cause she's being dramatic. I'm proud of my son and if he wanted a big song and dance he could have it but it's not him.