Being asked to downplay my ds GCSE results.

[Ohdearwhatnow4]

My DS smashed his GCSEs he got well over predicted and surprised everyone. He has sen and used school more for the social side of things, in all honesty he's been a shit at times. We thought he'd pass but not get 8's and 9's, we're surprised and really chuffed for him. He was always going to the local college and had chosen what his next step would be. My DSIL has a son in the same year, diffrent schools. He was expected to do amazing and go onto 6th form but unfortunately this hasn't been the case and he needs to resit. I've had a message from her asking me not to mention my ds results to anyone as she's embarrassed as she told everyone her ds was going to smash it. I don't do social media or anything but if family ask I'm not going to down play it as he did get amazing results (not saying he deserves them as he never studied or anything) One of my other DC failed their A-Levels and had to resit so whilst disappointing it's not the end of the world and she should be proud of what he got. DS and some mates are having a big sleepover in a field next weekend, in tents and I know not all of them got the results they wanted but they all should be proud of themselves and I won't stop them celebrating (she's not actually asked me to cancel yet)

I’m in the middle - me and my siblings always did well with results day but we wouldn’t talk about our results with other families whose kids also had results, as that could lead to comparison and hurt. We would also cringe when my dad showed off about our results to others.

I think there’s being proud but also knowing your audience. You wouldn’t celebrate
the amazing feast you just cooked and ate in front of a family/kids you knew were struggling for food. You wouldn’t talk about your third holiday abroad of the year to a family who you know had just been made homeless. In other contexts, it’s completely appropriate to talk proudly about those things- but we need to do it with sensitivity to the experience of those in the room.

Your DSIL shouldn’t have asked that of you, but there’s a fine line between celebrating and showing off (and I say this as someone who got straight A*s at GCSE and 3 As at a level).

Well done to your son, celebrate load and proud!

Mine also smashed his GCSE's
A few months later when it came up whist talking with friends, my best friends wife said she'd asked not to hear about them as her son failed 10 years ago and it was triggering for her...
Some people are weird and need a grip!

I am finding the post hard to believe too .Why would a SEN child use school for the social side of things. ND children are more likely to struggle with the social side of things ?

I’m afraid I’m also in the “distasteful to brag” camp. I only ever say “yes they’re pleased with their results”, and only ever ask “are they happy with their results” or “did they get what they needed?”. I do find the shouting from the rooftops thing a bit off-putting. A little circumspection wouldn’t go amiss.

DCs' results belong to them and not you or your SiL. If DC wants you or their siblings to share their results then it's up to them. We only share with close family and friends if they ask. Most people seem more interested in the next step than actual grades.

Your approach seems fine to me, proud but not boastful.

Your SIL's embarrassment is not your problem and shouldn't take the shine of your DS's achievement. He can celebrate how he wishes. Why should you downplay that he did well? Perhaps that will teach her not to make such a big show on social media before the results. I just feel sorry for her DS.

Essentially DSil wants to change the truth.
I’d completely ignore what she’s asked OP to do.

We're not a family to celebrate, we did get a takeaway but that's was also because I hadn't been shopping. The sleepover has been planned for months so even if he failed it would still be happening.

DSIL is my DH brothers wife. My DS isn't related to them as DH is his step dad so I've not put results in their family chat or anything and none of them have asked apart from her. The next get together will be at Xmas and by them everyone will be more interested in what the lads are doing at the time, like I said DS had already made up his mind to a course at college.

Agree.

No doubt if your son hadn't done well and your DN had that she wouldn't have held back. Her request is incredibly unreasonable.

Celebrate your DSs results.

Maybe she meant to ask for you to not share her sons results? Which is a very fair request but maybe she worded it badly.

Anyway, celebrate your sons - well done him! And keep schtum about anyone else. As I'm sure you would anyway

Agree - I would just say “they passed, thank you. We’re really proud”.

This is also how I would speak of my own results at school- it also helped keep the pressure off for my A Levels, as no one knew I was doing that well academically so expectations were low and I wasn’t someone for other kids to compete with/target.

Don't talk them out of it! They're clearly really proud of their younger sibling, so let them post it all over social media!

Your DSIL chose to do her bragging pre-results and that's her problem.

You should be super proud of your son, and tell everyone!

I was predicted OK GCSE grades (some Bs, mostly Cs and Ds), I was never considered one of the high fliers in my year group, but the compulsive side of my ADHD took over after my January mocks which were very mediocre and made me feel crap, and I just revised. Results day and the school were gobsmacked as I got straight As and top of the year group.

ADHD/ASD can be a gift when you learn to tame it.

Don’t tell them not to share, it’s lovely they want to celebrate him! How awful to make him feel it can’t be shared and then feel they can’t be proud!

Just say sorry I already have

Well done to your son! Shout it from the roof tops 🤩

Absolutely not

Kids NEED parents to be their champions and their cheerleaders.

This is a big moment for them. They need to remember how enthusiastic and proud their parents were.

Her job is to comfort and reassure her DS and make sure he's on the right track to fix things.

Your job is to celebrate and praise your DS and support him on his next steps.

The Forrest response to this is umm thanks but I’ll tell who I want thanks 🤷‍♀️

And celebrate without caveats. No we weren’t expecting him to do well…. Just he did really well.

Indeed. Sounds likes she has been crowing and shouting loud for some time but fallen flat on her face. Hope your DNephew manages to do well in his resits and learns the lessons from this year. Mine was in his shoes last year and was devastated, but it’s been a very positive experience - had to go to the local tech college with all the other kids in the area who had messed up GCSEs, and work bloody hard. 100% attendance this time as he accepts he will have missed important lessons and advice, he realises now that ‘understanding’ was not the same as knowing how to pass exams, and he attended every ‘extra’ revision/study session on offer… passing AS levels with AAB grades. Rather than be the end of the world, he has matured, found some humility, developed a deep work/study ethic. It really has been the making of him.

Your DS’s achievements are stupendous and you absolutely should be able to crow tell family how well he has done - he deserves no less than to be recognised, especially given his SEN (my kids are too and know how hard it is to manage the stress, the logistics, the burn out, the emotional roller coaster).

I think she is a CF to ask such a thing.
As for your son studying or not, so what?
He has his struggles and has done well.

I would completely ignore her. The cheek.

I wouldn't be shouting from the roof tops but I definitely share good news with family, as I love to hear good news.

Unhinged request IMO.

Your DSIL is being unreasonable. This is a teaching point for her child- disappointment is a normal part of life but it’s how you learn from it and mange it which sets up your life for success.
plus the learning that yes GCSEs feel all important now but in a few years no one will ever ask you about them again!

it’s her job to teach her child this and think about what defines success - not to try and censor the world! In life some people are better at certain things- you have to cope.

i actually think you’re being a bit unreasonable to censor what you’re doing eg social media requests by other DC ‘incase someone is upset’ @Ohdearwhatnow4 - so what? It’s not unkind to speak facts and be proud. Part of life is learning how to regulate emotion when you’re upset and bounce back. Don’t let other people dim your light.

Your DSIL is being unreasonable. This is a teaching point for her child- disappointment is a normal part of life but it’s how you learn from it and mange it which sets up your life for success.
plus the learning that yes GCSEs feel all important now but in a few years no one will ever ask you about them again!

it’s her job to teach her child this and think about what defines success - not to try and censor the world! In life some people are better at certain things- you have to cope.

i actually think you’re being a bit unreasonable to censor what you’re doing eg social media requests by other DC ‘incase someone is upset’ @Ohdearwhatnow4 - so what? It’s not unkind to speak facts and be proud. Part of life is learning how to regulate emotion when you’re upset and bounce back. Don’t let other people dim your light.

Well done to your ds. Surely there is a a balance to be struck though as long as you don't veer into gloating and bragging then it should be fine. If he knows you're proud of him and you've celebrated with him what else needs doing.
Being able to be sensitive to someone else's distress when you yourself are over the moon is a top class quality in a person. Plus bragging on social media is so tacky.

I get why your SIL is trying to protect her ds as it's horrible to see a child crushed with disappointment but learning to cope with failure can be a very handy life lesson and she can't micromanage every interaction to dilute the disappointment. Sometimes sadness just has to be experienced.

Slightly off topic, does an exam ever go unsmashed on social media these days? Is smashed the only adjective acceptable now?

My parents were permanently downplaying my achievements to avoid embarrassing others and I'm determined not to do the same for my dc.
You celebrate as you should!

Totally unreasonable to ask that of you. Kids with SEN have so many extra challenges, it would be really unkind to not allow them to celebrate their successes. Fine to suggest you don't make a big deal out of it in front of your DN, but it doesn't sound like you'd have done that anyway. If it's step family and you don't see that much of them, then his camping sleepover is irrelevant to them anyway.