To think it's rude to not reciprocate playdates?

[Cantheowneroftheredcorsapleasemovetheircar]

I am so done with being the one everyone comes to for playdates but barely getting an invite back, ever.

DS is 12 and going into year 8. He's had the same best friend since reception. Don't get me wrong, I've known his best friend since they were little. He's a lovely kid. I don't mind having him over, but he must be here around once a month for a sleepover and I could count on one hand the amount of times DS is invited back to their house and thry are flaky and often cancel. I feed him breakfasts, lunches and dinners while he's here. She can't even send him with a bag of sweets to share or something.

DD is 7. She has three or four good friends she loves to have over. I will invite them over at weekends and after school, they will come and have a nice time. I wait for the invite back... it rarely comes.

The parents will make comments like "oh we must have DD next time" but then nothing.

At the end of term, I mentioned to the parents of her best friend that we would have their DS over during the summer and they said brightly "Oh, it's our turn!!". I waited but no invite. DD begging to see him so in week 5 of the summer holidays I sent an invite, hoping they would say "oh no, it's our turn" but they eagerly accepted.

This week just gone she's had three friends over and not one invite back for next week.

Are these parents not embarrassed to be taking the free childcare (I've had them all day and provided lunch) and not be returning the favour?

Yes this has always been our family too
I just now see it as it's their loss
Such a beautifully brilliant blessing to give & somewhere in time, along the lines, they'll realise this
Well done for being the compassionate kind caring marvelous Mum you most surely are
God Bless You&Yours
💚🤗💚

Yes it's rude and cheeky. I always feel sorry for the kids who never ever have a friend over to play.

I’ve already posted about why I didn’t invite friends to my house as a teenager. I was never short of invites to my friends, ever. Neither were some of my friends who didn’t host for various reasons. We had a couple of houses that were the “go to”. These friends had non working mums and were very well off with big houses and gardens which was great as there was a very large group of us.

We do meet with other children in the park etc! We just don’t host playdates.
Youngest also does about a million clubs and hobbies.
Playdates (as in someone dropping off their children) here is exclusively at someone’s home. We can’t do that.

I agree, I don’t understand any of this mentality.

I have DS’s friends here much more than he goes anywhere, some of his friends would struggle to have a load of kids round (younger siblings etc) and I like to know that he’s safe too (he has ADHD) so it is win win. I couldn’t care less about reciprocating, it’s for his benefit not mine and he likes having people round.

I had one friend at school who used to invite me for sleepovers.
I was so grateful to her and her parents and over 60 years later we are still friends.
I couldn't have friends over to my house because my dad was a violent and unpredictable alcoholic. Something we all covered up for decades.

Are parents of the other children working? WFH? Do they have less space at home? Younger siblings?
There could be all sorts of reasons why they don't reciprocate.

It also depends on the child. Some (and yours are obviously like this) love having friends round and some (mine were like this) are protective of their own space and don't really like it.

Try to feel happy about the fact that they have friends and enjoy having them round, although it must be annoying at times.

Take them to the playpark.

Oh but it's for the parents to look out for their own innocent child, no strings attached, don't give in expectation of reciprocation.

At 12 I wouldn’t be considering it a ‘play date’. You don’t have to feed them, they could go home for/come to yours after their lunch or dinner, with the exception of breakfast after a sleepover.

I don’t think a transactional approach is helpful. Clearly there is a reason why this family never have anyone over as you’ve said it’s not just you so you are unreasonable to expect it.

You may find as friendships change, you won’t always be the one hosting DC, but it will depend on their family circumstances. It’s not a level playing field.

Most of my son's childhood has been one unreciprocated play date after another. It's so disappointing. Why's it always on my shoulders?

I do actually 😄 Does make me feel better

Yes, it makes you better.
I'd have no issues if you mucked in occasionally by bringing them out.
Parents can be petty, they'll exclude the child eventually, if it's one way traffic.

People aren’t being petty by refusing to let CF take advantage of them. It's not about "excluding", it's just stopping to invite again and again.

I think that’s insanely petty, but you often find people with poor boundaries are terrified of other people ‘taking advantage of them’ — unless it’s every day, or you feel impelled to amuse the visiting child with elaborate games or feed thrm Cordon Bleu food, it’s not actuslly any bother.

Yeah they are, no-one is taking advantage, and the only CFs are those making up rules that they then expect others to comply with. You don't invite with expectation. It's very emotionally immature and petty to punish a child, who likely has other issues to deal with at home too, because you've made up random rules that their parents are unable or unwilling to comply with.

Only invite if you are happy and willing to host, with no strings attached. If you're not generous enough of spirit to do that, dont host. Simple as. If you don't host, then your child misses out on the pleasure of having children round to their home. That is all.

I haven't got poor boundaries, thanks 😂 but my time is as valuable as other parents, I am as busy as other parents. I have very healthy boundaries, which is why I just don't bother inviting children I don't want to see, or whose parents take advantage. Easy, no drama, happy life.

When I invite, I host very well. I am not punishing anyone, I just don't bother inviting them again. When my kids message "can x come after school", I just message back" oh no, we can't today" and problem solved. Children of CF never come back. My kids have more than enough friends.

If you don't host, then your child misses out on the pleasure of having children round to their home.

removing one or 2 children from their circle of friends doesn't mean they miss out on anything, kids and teens have loads of friends. They just see different people.

Sure, no strings attached, once. If no reciprocal invite - of any description - or doing the transportation or sending some snacks or receiving a thank you then just never again. I mean clearly they don't want to be involved in the reciprocity that hosting involves. They should say so up front though and refuse the first invite. And they should explain to their own children that they just don't do this utter madness of going anywhere with other children. I mean, it's not wanted so don't grab at kindly meant offers. The same applies to birthday parties, you really shouldn't let your child accept invitations, best to explain up front that you just don't do that.

Sorry, but that's just a nasty, petty approach.

Children with poor parents, with disabled parents, with disabled siblings, with parents who work shifts and can't host should be excluded from playdates and birthday parties? Children with shit parents should be punished for their parents behaviour, that they have no control over?

I invited whomever my children wanted to invite, and was more than happy to do so, with no expectation of reciprocation whatsoever. The only ones I wouldn't invite back would be those with a previously history of poor behaviour (including being mean, petty and lacking in age appropriate empathy).

I suspect the children with the mean, petty parents will be the ones who miss out in the long run if they're being taught that mean and petty behaviour is acceptable, as they probably dont make good guests.

^ This
In fairness DD does have her play dates reciprocated but my god they’re hard work. We do expensive daytrips too- she’s been taken on shopping trips, there are always activities, ice skating, swimming, jump parks, food out, cinema.

I can’t relax when one of them are here, sometimes she wants a few of them. The snacks are insane 🙈

Yes, that's unfortunately the case. It's about being polite and making the effort though. A free trip to the swings would suffice, no money needs to be spent. If you read the thread you'll see there's plenty of people who feel that they're doing their bit by lending their child. So obviously there's a complete mismatch and they would prefer that their children not have to field pesky invites. And people who have family only birthday parties will just be uncomfortable as it's not what they like to do.

Its not necessarily about money. Not everyone is as privileged as you to be able to have the freedom, the time or the physical or mental health to be able to host playdates, even free ones in a play park. The children of those parents are already disadvantaged enough.

You actually admit that you are petty and unkind enough to punish those kids by exclusion, even though they have no control over the situation?

Please have a look at yourself and try to be a nicer, kinder person. And please don't bring your children up to have the same nasty, petty, selfish, entitled attitude that you have

It’s sad that there’s nothing people won’t commodify these days, even their own children’s friendships.

🤣 What rot. My own resources are extremely limited, I have to make rational decisions based on being in reciprocal arrangements with like minded people.

There are people who DO have lots of resources who don't offer to do any of the transportation and sit there with their husband not sharing the arrangements.

If I realised that a child was desperately poor, had a disabled sibling or was in temporary accommodation or something I wouldn't expect a return. It's quite easy to quickly know which camp of non reciprocity the parent falls into.

You'd be disingenuous to suggest that all non reciprocators are in these categories. My objection is to the won'ts rather than the can'ts.