To think it's rude to not reciprocate playdates?

[Cantheowneroftheredcorsapleasemovetheircar]

I am so done with being the one everyone comes to for playdates but barely getting an invite back, ever.

DS is 12 and going into year 8. He's had the same best friend since reception. Don't get me wrong, I've known his best friend since they were little. He's a lovely kid. I don't mind having him over, but he must be here around once a month for a sleepover and I could count on one hand the amount of times DS is invited back to their house and thry are flaky and often cancel. I feed him breakfasts, lunches and dinners while he's here. She can't even send him with a bag of sweets to share or something.

DD is 7. She has three or four good friends she loves to have over. I will invite them over at weekends and after school, they will come and have a nice time. I wait for the invite back... it rarely comes.

The parents will make comments like "oh we must have DD next time" but then nothing.

At the end of term, I mentioned to the parents of her best friend that we would have their DS over during the summer and they said brightly "Oh, it's our turn!!". I waited but no invite. DD begging to see him so in week 5 of the summer holidays I sent an invite, hoping they would say "oh no, it's our turn" but they eagerly accepted.

This week just gone she's had three friends over and not one invite back for next week.

Are these parents not embarrassed to be taking the free childcare (I've had them all day and provided lunch) and not be returning the favour?

We have a very small house. It's just easier for DD to go to her friends tbh, two in particular have massive houses, paddling pool out all summer, that kind of thing.
I feel a lot of discomfort about not having her pals around that often, and I do sometimes say stuff about it being our turn 😬 Probably because I'm embarrassed.

You can though - go to the park at the weekend. It's not fair on your younger child to just focus on your older one even if she has SEN.

(NB I was that child and my parents managed)

When my son was little - playdates were great and were reciprocated. With my daughter (born in covid era), its not reciprocated. I can't stand the false promises as my daughter hears and then shell start badgering me and then I have to try and explain in a nice way why some people are just a bit shit at keeping their word.

Aren’t play dates for infants? From the age of 7, it’s just having friends over to play or sleep. My DC’s always had their friends over. It did me a favour because it meant that I didn’t have to entertain them.

I would love to know your secret to host sleepovers and have children who fall asleep early and stay in bed late the following morning.

In Primary School, the "midnight feast" is a BIG part of every sleepover - at anyone's house I know, and in my experience, there's always one child who gets up earlier than the others and wakes up everyone else.

From secondary, they do whatever they want to do but they're usually up until middle of the night, but need to be up early because there' s always at least one sport competition the following day.

I don't think anyone really use the word "playdate" but it's still expected to be reciprocated, even when they are teenagers.

You don't send your child to a friends house if you don't intend to invite them back.

I'd be happy to have DSs friends round, but DH can barely tolerate our child atm, can't imagine what would happen if there was more than 1.

It's hard enough being a peacemaker between father and son I doubt I'd survive a round of interkid arguments as well.

We have alot of reasons not to invite other people's kids over, this is just one aspect.
I never expect anything from anyone, bc then you're not disappointed and anything you do get is a bonus.

I’ve an only child and so have encouraged playdates at ours as much as possible. I find families with more than 2 kids don’t reciprocate a lot, but I don’t mind. We’ve had some weird experiences too. Last year my DD developed a close relationship with a girl who figured out that we were very laid back and so stopped by our house every morning and afternoon for the last 3 months of the school year (they were 12). I genuinely did not care, but after a month or so, her mother became very upset and told her my DD ‘had to come over so she and her father could meet (my DD)’. So off
my DD goes to meet them and it was super awkward, with them questioning her about our jobs and so on. Then her friend reappeared every day again. I guess DD passed the test. 😂😂

My children are older now, however, I found it easier when my children's friends were over. My children were happy and occupied, I just kept the snacks going and could then catch up on jobs or do some reading etc. I preferred it to my children going over to someone else's house. I have been a single, working parent since my youngest was 2 y.o.

Thats not the rule round here. The rule here is only invite someone over for a playdate if you're happy and willing to host them with no strings attached.

Obviously playdates often are reciprocated, but it's not an expectation or obligation.

If you're not happy to host without strings attached, don't invite.

DC has defo missed out on playdates because we can’t provide ‘reciprocal childcare’ after school, we both work full time so don’t do 3.30 pick up. We also live much further out from the school than most others so even if we could offer post school playdates most parents CBA to pick up from here. We do offer on some weekends and always do a birthday party but we often turned down because ‘weekends are family time’.

We reciprocate all playdates except with one family. They intentionally invite ds so that we owe them, and expect to cash in the favour whenever they want. So I'm never available, and I only send ds there when it suits me - I probably decline 75% of invitations.

The Mum of this family has even invited her ds round to mine because we have Netflix and he really wanted to watch a particular film. Obviously I turned down the opportunity.

I used to find it difficult to reciprocate when mine were younger although I did try and make the effort when I was able to. I used to dread my DC being asked over to friends houses, knowing it was difficult for me to reciprocate, but the parents insisted it was fine when I explained and they wanted to host my DC.

Play dates and even sleepovers are not actually that helpful as ‘childcare’ 😂. If one DC is at a play date I still have two others at home to care for?! I do think those parents suggesting that it’s helpful childcare are probably those with only children.

Yes same here. I often have children around and it’s very rarely reciprocated. One child I just can’t invite any more, as I’ve been having them round for years, never asked back despite constant promises of we will get you over next week etc and then my child keeping asking when are they going. It’s actually really upsetting as a parent.

At those ages I don’t see them as play dates. The kids usually tend to have a preferred house to meet at so it doesn’t bother me. As long as my DD is safe and happy I never care one way or the other.

When I was younger, we hardly had friends over because we had a tiny house and my parents both worked AND my sibling had severe MH problems. Sometimes people have so much going on in their lives they can’t host.

Now as an adult I host play dates and am just grateful I’m able to do that for my kids. I don’t sweat it if others don’t reciprocate.

I can't say I've ever thought of having my child's friends over as doing childcare for their parents. That's a different outlook. I see it as doing something for my child.

It's not a bad thing when they're teens. You get to know their friends and keep good tabs on what is going on in their lives, and the life of your child more then too.

People do tend to reciprocate in my experience but people might be working at home, have to take other children to activities, have elderly parents to care for, any range of things. Just remember it's for your child, not a favour to the parents of their friends.

No worries, parents who don't invite back see invitations dry out, same for birthday parties.

There's no "rule" here, but it's pretty obvious why some kids are always involved in sleepovers, and others never.

Once they all have their phone, the kids know when they miss out, it' s a bit sad for them.

Could you be brave and instead of inviting their DC, mention that you've got a childcare problem one day and please could they invite your DC over?

Decent people understand that not everyone can host for a whole load of different reasons and aren't petty enough to punish innocent children for something their parent either is unable or unwilling to do.

Reciprocate by bringing the children to park or cinema depending on your finances, otherwise they may stop inviting DD.

True, and we do it for our own children, not the other parents. I always had an open door policy for my children and their friends from about 11 on. It's good to be involved and know their friends.

I work full time, one of my children is autistic, I have very little time to myself and I always return the play date, in fact I’m 90% of the time the host which does annoy me as I think it’s also nice for the kids to be out of their environment as well as the parent to have a break.

I get some people are busy but so I am I.

I totally agree with you op.

We do have other children round sometimes but there's lots of reasons it doesn't happen often...

We work full-time and have after-school activities so weekdays it isn't possible. Weekends are precious and often full. Dp works weekends too so we couldn't have sleepovers on those days.

Our house is small, no spare beds for sleepovers.

I find hosting other children here very stressful, prefer to do it away from the house so I will often take them out somewhere which gets expensive.

Almost every time we've hosted things have been broken or damaged which is upsetting.

12 year old don't need playdates organised. My teen can invite his friends anytime and they stay mostly in his room.

Hell is other parents, generally their kids are no trouble. We were bringing up a few kids, not all our own and I would host other people's kids, a few more didn't make any difference.
But our house was a big project, we could afford it at the time, but circumstances changed. So we have chipped paintwork, bare boards, threadbare carpets, old furniture. We do what we can. The kids' friends never cared and even now mostly grown are happy to bring people back.
But comments from parents in their show homes... Oh - I know you don't mind having little Billy over as you don't have to worry about the mess. One kid said, Mum says your house is a shit hole 😩. Parents complaining that the kids have been fed freezer food (yeah, u should have picked up hours ago, I'm not going to let them starve). Or little Billy isn't allowed this, that or the other. Nightmare.