To think it's rude to not reciprocate playdates?

[Cantheowneroftheredcorsapleasemovetheircar]

I am so done with being the one everyone comes to for playdates but barely getting an invite back, ever.

DS is 12 and going into year 8. He's had the same best friend since reception. Don't get me wrong, I've known his best friend since they were little. He's a lovely kid. I don't mind having him over, but he must be here around once a month for a sleepover and I could count on one hand the amount of times DS is invited back to their house and thry are flaky and often cancel. I feed him breakfasts, lunches and dinners while he's here. She can't even send him with a bag of sweets to share or something.

DD is 7. She has three or four good friends she loves to have over. I will invite them over at weekends and after school, they will come and have a nice time. I wait for the invite back... it rarely comes.

The parents will make comments like "oh we must have DD next time" but then nothing.

At the end of term, I mentioned to the parents of her best friend that we would have their DS over during the summer and they said brightly "Oh, it's our turn!!". I waited but no invite. DD begging to see him so in week 5 of the summer holidays I sent an invite, hoping they would say "oh no, it's our turn" but they eagerly accepted.

This week just gone she's had three friends over and not one invite back for next week.

Are these parents not embarrassed to be taking the free childcare (I've had them all day and provided lunch) and not be returning the favour?

i feel I do and as yet no one has made me feel I haven’t done enough for them/their children.
I’ll offer lifts, I’ll provide food and I’ll take them out but I just can’t facilitate at home all the time and would really only manage 1 comfortably.
I would always say thank you (and provide food/snacks for said play dates) 😊

As if it is that simple for some people with health or other issues.

I feel this, I’ve cut back massively on how much I do for others now.

when my DD (14) says me and my friends were talking about a sleepover I’ve started saying ‘great, who’s house are you staying at?’ I let her have one for her birthday then perhaps every so often. But I’m absolutely not hosting them all anymore.

the most annoying time was when they were all round someone’s house for a birthday, then at 10pm all turned up here for lifts home? Excuse me but the party had nothing to do with me, why have you all come here for a lift, why aren’t your parents picking you up?! And why are their parents assuming I’ll bring them home at 10pm when I'm in my dressing gown & PJs with my bra off?

if either of my daughters asked for play dates I’d say why don’t you ask if you can go to theirs? It’s their parents turn to host.
I assume it got back to the parents, but I don’t care. I want my children to have friends but I'm not their free child care.

We dont have the room to have sleepovers, I explained this to our DC’s friend’s parents. I was happy to do other activities to “compensate” , I would take their friends out to the local massive park, swimming activities, cinema, bowling etc , try and keep them busy all day-give their parents a break
Some mums i’ve remained friends with (not many-my choice!) they haven't held a grudge over sleepovers …

We only have one kid a little girl so absolutely do not mind having play dates/sleepovers! I don’t expect anyone to reciprocate.

of course it's very rude. Unless there is a genuine family catastrophe, it's a ridiculous superior attitude "oh, I am too busy to host, I couldn't possibly" - while parents who make the effort have nothing better to do with their life apparently 😂

We are all busy, most of us don't specially enjoy hosting random kids, but we make the effort and give our time. You are not better than me because you don't host kids, at best you are less organised.

I redirect the friendships and make sure my kids are less interested by the ones who don't reciprocate to solve the problem. I don't invite kids whose parents are CF frankly. Offering other activities and taking the kids on different occasions is fine, it's reciprocating too.

Yanbu OP. I wouldn't have the cheek to just take the free childcare and never reciprocate. But clearly many others are happy to do so. If the parents really can't for some reason, I'd expect them to say that at the outset.
Edited to say I have quite significant health issues and can't plan these things in advance as I never know how my health will be so I just tend to arrange at short notice.

I think you need to remember it's about the kids not the adults. Many of you are saying about how it makes you feel and how you've made effort with the kids and what you've fed them etc. The child probably will have asked for friends over but for whatever reason isn't allowed. It's not their fault, if they are well behaved when they come and your child enjoys playing with them then invite them. How will they feel not being allowed friends over or not being invited anywhere? I think it's a bit mean not to have a friend of your child over because their adult isn't your kind of parent. If your child likes them than they will enjoy a couple of hours playing together.
My daughters are 19 months apart so when they were all primary it worked out better to have a friend each at the same time and with a younger brother to entertain constantly so they could play in peace meant it was hard work. I did it when I could.
Even though we all agree it's hard work it's not as hard as entertaining a bored child. I get loads done when friends are over and sometimes one of my kids being at a friend's was a pain as the other 2 missed them to play with and I then had more to do occupying them. To think who's parent had invited them was thinking I was having free childcare is ridiculous! Unless you have only one child or someone is inviting all of your children the chances are a playdate is somethkng else to deal with in your day not a favour!
Whenever I invite DS 9 friends now as dds are at secondary school and go out independently I simply text asking of they're free to play for a couple of hours and say were not doing anything fancy as I have stuff to do in the house today but of they want to come play they're more than welcome.
I never expect a return invite. If it happens great if not no worries.

But it's not "free childcare", it's you borrowing my child to entertain your child!

Mine are grown up now, and I was an inviter, because I loved having the children and their friends around. I loved taking for days out, I loved their chatter and their energy. And now they're young adults, the kids friends still have a natter with me in the kitchen when they're round visiting my children, or getting ready to go out!

When someone invited my children for a playdate, the weren't doing me some kind of favour. I didn't want or need childcare. They were, in fact, asking me to give up one of my precious days with my children.

I guess some people don't like spending time with their children and their children's friends. But for those of us that do, playdates and sleepovers are willingly offered for the joy of it, without the need for some kind of transactional reciprocation.

of course it's free childcare, we get the kids out of their parents way.

They were, in fact, asking me to give up one of my precious days with my children. seriously? 🙄

I guess some people don't like spending time with their children
We do. But we also have a life, and if nothing else, chores and admin to do (let alone having a job!) and the kids being entertained while we do the boring stuff is a bonus anyway.

This is such an appalling take. So very selfish.

who's selfish? The parents who think they are too important to bother hosting playdates but happily send their own kids and enjoy the free childcare? 😂

This completely. And not everyone feels like they can reciprocate. It shouldn’t be tit for tat. People shouldn’t owe you. Some people are embarrassed about their house, maybe it’s small, messy, maybe the parents are only just coping with their own life let alone looking after someone else’s child, maybe they’re busy, maybe having other kids in the house is just annoying…so many reasons. I do have children here a lot but I would never hold it against anyone for not reciprocating.

I always hosted and never thought twice about it. At least I knew what my children were doing, who they were hanging out with and that they were eating properly. Even in their early twenties we would have a house full and I was thankful they still wanted to be home.

I really valued the school holidays with my children and being able to spend quality time with them, yes. That's surely not unusual?

And presumably you're inviting my child round to entertain your child so that you can get on with stuff, rather than engaging with your child yourself!

Someone inviting my child round was not a favour, nor was it childcare.

That said, I invited lots. Except for the rude brats, or the ridiculously fussy eaters (no medical needs, which I would happily accommodate). They only ever got invited once, however many times my children were invited to theirs...

Tbh my house has always been the house that friends hang out at or sleep over and I prefer it. My 16 year old has had his best friends over nearly every weekend and most of the holidays since he was about 5/6, and when I say every weekend I really ain’t joking. One of our family friends kid was here for about 7 days straight! But I love it! They feel at home and comfortable here. My daughter is the same with her friends. They come here. I don’t expect any invite back. My door will always be open no matter what

Yes, I invite your child to entertain mine because I am not deluded enough to think an adult parent is the same as a child their own age, they need a big circle of friends, parents are not friends, they are parents. I can still engage with my child myself , we do loads😂

But it doesn't mean I am not also doing you a favour, i feed your child, take care of bedtime, will be the one kept awake late and awaken early in the morning when parents can have a lie-in

Le'ts not pretend YOU are doing me a favour by accepting an invitation. If it's such a chore, don't send them!

At 12 years old I’m surprised it’s an issue. Perhaps your child is the one who sees the other as friend and not the other way round so little effort

We both worked full time but prioritised playdates for our kids. It was always reciprocal though nobody kept count as far as I was aware. I would find it rather rude and weird if it was one way, and there was no explanation.

But I liked putting my children to bed, reading to them etc. I'm cooking dinner anyway, one extra mouth makes no difference. Spending time with my children wasn't a chore I needed to be relieved of. It was a pleasure.

Really not a favour. I liked my children's company and presence, so it wasn't in an way better for me when they were elsewhere. I'd prefer the sleepovers and playdates at my house, to be honest.

I totally understood the need for children to socialise with other children, hence why I hosted plenty of playdates and sleepovers, and my children went to plenty elsewhere. (And they didn't get up in the night, nor early in the morning!)

Playdates are about kids having fun. The childcare bit was irrelevant to me. I liked my kids going to their friends’ houses because they enjoyed it. A different environment, different toys etc. Good for social skills, adapting, flexibility. Eating different foods. It was all positive. I preferred the playdates at mine as I then didn’t have to pick up, but I recognised the value of them going to other homes. Luckily all their friends’ parents must have felt the same.

I agree with you OP, this happens to us all the time, but I think unfortunately a lot of parents are at best busy, maybe disorganised or just selfish. When I had cancer there was a lot of chat at school gates about having our kids over to give us a break but no dates ever actually suggested etc. if someone I knew was ill I know I’d be giving dates of when we could have their kids over to give some respite.

Maybe there's a reason? Ive been on the other side of this on more than one occasion and it's sooo difficult. My DD2 was regularly being invited to a particular friends house from about age 7, Dinner after school, sleepovers, garden parties with pools and toys, the child would always ask my DD2 at school and naturally my DD2 was keen to go. Child's mother was always dropping hints about 'my turn' , which I would of been more than happy to offer if my circumstances were different! Small council flat, very little money to do it up, even less to buy 'party food' unsafe garden and a DD1 with additional needs that just would not of tolerated another child in a already cramped space! Id recently left a DV relationship, and I've now worked hard to improve my situation, but I'll never forget the uncomfortable feeling of not returning the 'favour' or fear of my DD2 being judged on her living situation. I honestly would of preferred that my DD2 was just not invited and then I wouldn't have to deal with 'hints' of returning the 'favour'. I did actually start making excuses in the end as why my DD2 couldn't go round, which was a shame for both children!

I’m always delighted to host other DC. Mine behaviour better when they have friends round! I hope to be the host of the teen hangout house.

I had my young children’s friends around the other week, and whilst there, one of the delights kept going on about the play date at her house that everyone was invited to except my child!

I had planned to hosting another before they go back but decided against it.

I have three kids who get along and they have lots of cousins so luckily play dates aren’t essential for us.