To think it's rude to not reciprocate playdates?

[Cantheowneroftheredcorsapleasemovetheircar]

I am so done with being the one everyone comes to for playdates but barely getting an invite back, ever.

DS is 12 and going into year 8. He's had the same best friend since reception. Don't get me wrong, I've known his best friend since they were little. He's a lovely kid. I don't mind having him over, but he must be here around once a month for a sleepover and I could count on one hand the amount of times DS is invited back to their house and thry are flaky and often cancel. I feed him breakfasts, lunches and dinners while he's here. She can't even send him with a bag of sweets to share or something.

DD is 7. She has three or four good friends she loves to have over. I will invite them over at weekends and after school, they will come and have a nice time. I wait for the invite back... it rarely comes.

The parents will make comments like "oh we must have DD next time" but then nothing.

At the end of term, I mentioned to the parents of her best friend that we would have their DS over during the summer and they said brightly "Oh, it's our turn!!". I waited but no invite. DD begging to see him so in week 5 of the summer holidays I sent an invite, hoping they would say "oh no, it's our turn" but they eagerly accepted.

This week just gone she's had three friends over and not one invite back for next week.

Are these parents not embarrassed to be taking the free childcare (I've had them all day and provided lunch) and not be returning the favour?

They can be friends at school, people are saying that it's a nuisance receiving invites.

Completely agree with what you’ve said here and with the OP too.

We’re also the “go to” house for children and adults it seems. I’ve started the pull back a bit as we don’t seem to receive invitations back despite our hospitality for all.

It’s disappointing!!

You don't know whats behind the won'ts.

Several on this thread have talked about their abusive parents. It's those children (amongst others) you are excluding.

Very simply, you are saying you will only welcome children who are in the privileged position of having parents who are happy to give you something in return. The ones in abusive homes, with poor parents, with disabled parents or siblings, you're happy to exclude, because you have zero generosity of spirit, and are only happy to do things if you get something out of it (and clearly you don't get anything out of simply being kind or generous for the sake of it).

This is petty, and will exclude those children who most need kindness and to be welcomed into funtional and safe family homes.

Mind you, no child needs to be taught how to grow up petty and selfish and only to do something for someone if there's something in it for you, so maybe they'd be better of at a different friends house anyway, who will model kindess, generosity and empathy.

I dont often host play dates. My husband works nights so needs to sleep, ive got two dogs and im not shutting them away, I have four children so it's already slightly chaotic - the elder ones need to do homework etc, and most evenings I have to take my older ones to clubs or work.

I make sure people are aware that if they want to host a playdate, that's great and I appreciate it, but the chances of me being able to reciprocate are slim.

Brilliant, I'm not an organisation, I don't have the resources. It's ok though because you can invite them and they can then benefit from your noblesse oblige.

The other bug bear is people who accept a playdate, claim they can't have people back because work/caring/sen child yada yada

Until 3 weeks later when they've invited Popular Child round [again]. Or 3 weeks after that when Child of their Mum Friend has been invited.

Meanwhile teachers insists to me that that child plays constantly with mine, child is heard leaving school pestering their mum to invite my DC over.

You start to realise a) its often that mum doesn't like you as a parent for some reason or b) mum doesn't like your DC for some reason.

Dd had this, one friend of Gdd over umpteen times, never invited back. Eventually dd asked the other mother why. Basically (an only child) she admitted that she just couldn’t be bothered.

There's a great deal of can't be bothered and also (despite having the resources) deciding never to spend energy, money, time on any child but their own.

As I've said many times on this thread, I did invite without expectation, despite my limited resources, and even now, when my children are young adults, I frequently have visits from the friends who enjoyed spending time in our home. And my children have grown up to be kind, generous, responsible young adults who I'm thoroughly proud of, having seen us model good social behaviours growing up.

I'm surprised that being mean, exclusionary and petty is behaviour you're proud of, and behaviour you're happy to model to your kids, but you do you. But if your children behave as you do- that's likely why they dont get invited out...

I totally understand your frustration, OP, and the false promises are annoying. So disingenuous.
However, a lot depends on individual circumstance. I have taken DS’s best friend out a few times this summer because I am off work and the child is delightful company for us. The last time I arranged with the friend’s mum, she apologised that she was working again and seemed a bit guilty. There’s just no need - I’m on holiday, we enjoy her child and no reciprocation is expected at all. She’s working and I ain’t!

Well, they're in their 30s now so I don't mind.

how rude 😂

It's mean, petty and exclusionary not to invite and host anyone and everyone? Right.

My kids get more invitations than they can accept, but I am happy to teach them what manners are - and not to be pushovers or taken for granted by all the CF of the world. They are not less important than anyone else, and no one is "too busy" to be polite, it's either laziness or being disorganised.

I’m guessing @Ruby1985 isn’t coming back to clarify…

But given your children weren’t invited round either, it follows you must have the same ‘mean, exclusionary and petty behaviour’.

I’m guessing I’ve hit a nerve haven’t I? 😆

My post is clear and I don’t need to further clarify anything. If you don’t like it I’m sure your room has four walls and a ceiling, so go bang your head on them. Bye bye 👋🏻

My children were invited round to friends houses frequently. Where on earth have you got the idea otherwise?

You said you ‘invited without expectation’, so I assumed your children weren’t invited.

But this is even worse. You enjoyed frequent reciprocal visits but you call OP wanting the same ‘mean, exclusionary and petty behaviour’. Hypocrisy much.

Edited as I totally missed the first half of your post and misunderstood what I read!

FFS, you're clearly deliberately being goady now.

I invited without expectation. My children were invited by others without expectation. Everyone who hosted was happy to do so without reciprocation. No one kept a tally. Some people were less able to host play dates than others. These children were still welcomed and included, children were not shunned or punished for the actions of their parents.

Anyone deliberately excluding a child because their parent is unable or unwilling to host a playdate is petty and spiteful.

I know this wasn't aimed directly at me but I just want to make it clear that I am not stopping inviting kids over or having them hang out at mine.

I just think not doing anything back is unfair and rude.

Anyone deliberately excluding a child because their parent is unable or unwilling to host a playdate is petty and spiteful.

oh please, no one owes you an invitation. Stop pretending that not inviting someone is "excluding" them, no one invites the whole school or even the whole year group for playdates or whatever name you want to give that.

I always had my kids' friends round. Very rarely were mine invited anywhere (got the impression some mums liked their houses neat & tidy at ALL times!
Never bothered me, I knew where my kids were, most other mums never even came to check on theirs, even if their kids had just wandered in without asking mum's permission..

Or c) mum simply doesn't see how it benefits her for your child to come to her house.

It doesn't get her in with the popular parents. It doesn't mean she can spend time with her mate. It doesnt get her a discounted haircut from thr hairdresser mum, it doesn't get her toilet fixed by the plumber dad.

Some parents do not see the benefit for their child. They see the benefits for themselves.

So they take the invites but it just doesn't occur to them to invite back because other people's feelings just do not enter their thoughts.

These people are easy to spot though because they're impolite and unfornedly all the time anyway, until you have something they want

My son is 7. Next year I'm not having lots of kids at my house. I did it on the last day of term and I know high jinx and all that but they were so badly behaved. One lad strangled my son whilst his mother sat there and the other kept lifting up my husbands weight equipment. I've decided I dont mind doing 1 on 1 playdates but will try to stick to out of the house activities.

My DC was always embarrassed that our house was smaller or untidy or that we had a small television etc. We were happy for them to have friends over but they didn't want them here.

They also had a room that always needed about a Month's worth of tidying to be habitable to others and they didn't want their friends seeing that either.

Don't be too harsh on others who may not live as well as you do.