Husband still struggling, AIBU to expect more?

[greyA]

I’ve got up this morning with our 1 year old and there’s literally nothing to feed him as husband again hasn’t bought bread- he’s spending £150+ weekly on food but barely cooks and frequently forgets the basics - I’ve got 2 Ribeyes in my fridge but no bread 🤣 me and kids only eat decent food if I cook it - he mostly buys M and S ready meals. Just this week alone I have worked full time ( I WFH ) cleaned the house, looked after the kids whilst he run errands on Thursday, cooked 3 nights out of 5 ( he cooked one - takeaway the other ) I also did everything for our older child’s birthday. On Monday I cooked a roast dinner, bathed and put toddler to bed. come down and husband tells me he’s exhausted because he cleared up from dinner. Yesterday he tells me life is mundane and spends the whole day in some sort of depressive episode even though I’d got up early with both kids and let him sleep until gone 9 even when I needed to start work. I’ve been up since 530 this morning and he’s still sleeping and I don’t know how much longer I can do this - he’s shit at the job he has chosen to do ( SAHP) and doesn’t seem to want to be good at it. I’ve tried leaving it ( house, kids, cooking etc ) but it doesn’t get done. If I moan there’s a brief improvement but we always end up back here. We’ve tried a cleaner, also toddler is in nursery 2 mornings a week ( not free- I have to pay for this ) It’s been over a year since he got sepsis ( was in hospital 3 weeks) yet he blames that for everything. I want to support him but feel like he’s taking he piss out of me constantly. He’s started lately moaning that all I do is work, I haven’t got time for him, I don’t listen to him etc - frankly I don’t have any more to give him as I’m utterly exhausted. AIBU to be expecting more now ? What’s reasonable to expect ?

This sounds really tough. Sepsis is awful, it truly is, but after a year (unless there are severe complications/icu stay etc) he should be at least doing the lions share of his SAHP role.

I think my cup would be empty for him tbh. If he isn’t contributing financially, physically or emotionally, what’s left?

The last paragraph would be the last nail in the coffin for me. He moans that all you do is work? Can he not see that the reason why you have to work so hard is because he's so lazy and selfish? When I was a SAHM I did all the cooking and cleaning and getting up early with the kids. He's taking the absolute piss.

Definitely not unreasonable to expect more, at the very least to buy bread and cook or clean more (idk how you split the other chores).

Maybe he needs to look at potentially going back to work ? If he’s complaining about his life being mundane, well, it’s a bit like that when you’re staying at home with little ones (speaking from experience here lol). But also, he sounds like he could be depressed - has he reached out and spoken about how he feels to anyone (professional)?

Sounds like he needs to get a job! If he’s not enjoying being a SAHP then that’s understandable but then he needs to stop lazing around and go back to work. He can’t keep doing something he’s shit at and causing more work for you. I too would be over it at this point.

He’s either depressed or lazy.

Explore the possible depression with him, encourage him to get help etc. I’d also suggest that he gets paid employment as being a SAHP isn’t for everyone and can be depressing.

If it’s not that then he’s lazy. In which case I think he’s unlikely to change, given what you’ve said, and I’d start planning to leave him.

I’m torn. I have a friend who has sepsis over a year ago and it has left him with all sorts of difficulties as a result. Some of the things that bother him are that frequently gets brain frog, some days his entire body aches for absolutely ‘no reason’ and he has had to give up his job as a teacher as he simply can’t work full time anymore. He now does supply work as and when his body allows. Prior to his illness he was the main breadwinner and led a very active lifestyle. You do sound like you need help as it’s unfair on you to be working full time and doing the lions share at home too.

This sounds really shit op. I think you need to sit down with him and be very clear that this is not working. And maybe he needs to find a job and you can outsource more childcare, look at a cleaner etc

He's not a stay at home parent if he's not actually looking after the child though. So he needs to get a job.

I was open minded until I read he’s a SAHP. Now I think he’s pathetic!

He is having weekly counselling. He moaned about his job constantly, how he hated it, how bad it was for his mental health etc, when he got poorly he was off for ages and he was offered the opportunity to leave. At the time it seemed like a great idea - I’ve been a SAHP and did everything so I felt sure we both understood what the role entailed. I do feel for him as I know he’s been through a lot but seems to have boundless energy for things he wants to do just not cooking or cleaning or childcare. He’s so resentful towards me and the kids and I just don’t get it - I’m doing everything I can to make his life easier but it feels like he does nothing to help mine.

Buying bread for the weekend seems a basic thing to remember to do, even if he does have health difficulties. Mr Monkey worked a 9 hour shift yesterday, finishing work at 8pm and still managed to pick up fresh bagels for weekend breakfasts.

What are his expectations? Can he articulate them to you? What are the basics he should be doing? Is there an agreed format for how the household runs?

I could not and wouldn’t be able to support this. I’m out working and he’s buying M and S ready meals??? Fuck that.

Time to ask what this manchild is actually bringing to the table.

no way you say that to a woman

In itself, not having bought bread is not a big deal here, but perhaps because I keep other basics stocked and there is always something to make pancakes, flatbread, cereal, something. Usually some emergency bagels in the freezer. We most oft n run out on Saturdays then nip out and get French bread for lunch.

But on the bigger point it sounds like you are both absolutely miserable. He needs a different job at the very least. Big sit down talk on what you think is making you both so unhappy , what levers you collectively have, and what you will change together to make life less shit for you both.

He's not cut out to be a SAHP, he needs to get a job. You could then work less or get a housekeeper.

If not he needs a job description/task list. You need to tell him he's to stick to it. First on the list is getting up 6 days a week with the children.

Sepsis is truly awful btw.

I would lay out exactly what is expected as a SAHP and remind him that what you did when you were a SAHP. If he can’t do that then his options would be go find a job or we’d divorce. I’d say the same about man or woman, far to many people they can just do nothing and have it all done for them whilst putting so much pressure on their spouse to keep everything going

Do you actually want to stay with him? Basic food,.house keeping and childcare are what he should be doing if no outside work. I get he's been ill but unless he really is still ill then he needs to buck up ir get out.

What are his expectations? Can he articulate them to you? What are the basics he should be doing? Is there an agreed format for how the household runs?

I could not and wouldn’t be able to support this. I’m out working and he’s buying M and S ready meals??? Fuck that.

No energy to do the things that need doing but energy for the things he wants to do. Sounds like you are a single married mother or whatever the phrase is that I can’t quite remember!

He needs a job or a divorce

His very severe illness/delayed recovery plus his personality type are a bit of a toxic mix by the sound of it. It was very hard having a Dh disabled by mental illness but also being a SAHP because tbh he didn’t manage to do much of it, and I had to pretend I wasn’t filling the gaps because it made him feel so much worse when I did (had to sneak out of bed early to clean the bathroom for example - and by clean I mean get shit stains off the loo and wipe off skin rings, not polishing tiles).

Do you think he’s capable of being happy, or is he always going to be a moaner? If the latter, then just learn to tune him out and find some other way of getting joy from life —or leave him— If he is, then yes a heart to heart about how you would both like life to look and how much you would like him to be happy would be good. But don’t be bounced into too many big decisions on an unrealistic promise that changes YOU make would be the magic ingredient.

After effects of sepsis can be long term and debilitating, but it sounds like he'd still be shit at being SAHP even if that hadn't happened. Tell him things need to change, and there's no leeway on this.

It sounds like he needs a job. He isn't a SAHP when you are doing the majority of the work at home and paying for nursery. A job will probably give him the stimulation and routine he needs. I feel more tired and down when I'm not doing much. I need routine, structure and movement to feel energised and it sounds like your DH does too.

If he had sepsis, his immune system and microbiome (gut bacteria) will likely have been obliterated by the antibiotics etc.

There is a huge link between state of mind and poor gut bacteria (apparently we have brain cells in our guts equivalent to that of a cats brain). If he is experiencing low mood, lack of energy or brain fog it could be down to that.

Maybe look into improving his gut bacteria with good pro biotics and pre biotics and look up some dietary advice to support that.