Husband still struggling, AIBU to expect more?

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I’ve got up this morning with our 1 year old and there’s literally nothing to feed him as husband again hasn’t bought bread- he’s spending £150+ weekly on food but barely cooks and frequently forgets the basics - I’ve got 2 Ribeyes in my fridge but no bread 🤣 me and kids only eat decent food if I cook it - he mostly buys M and S ready meals. Just this week alone I have worked full time ( I WFH ) cleaned the house, looked after the kids whilst he run errands on Thursday, cooked 3 nights out of 5 ( he cooked one - takeaway the other ) I also did everything for our older child’s birthday. On Monday I cooked a roast dinner, bathed and put toddler to bed. come down and husband tells me he’s exhausted because he cleared up from dinner. Yesterday he tells me life is mundane and spends the whole day in some sort of depressive episode even though I’d got up early with both kids and let him sleep until gone 9 even when I needed to start work. I’ve been up since 530 this morning and he’s still sleeping and I don’t know how much longer I can do this - he’s shit at the job he has chosen to do ( SAHP) and doesn’t seem to want to be good at it. I’ve tried leaving it ( house, kids, cooking etc ) but it doesn’t get done. If I moan there’s a brief improvement but we always end up back here. We’ve tried a cleaner, also toddler is in nursery 2 mornings a week ( not free- I have to pay for this ) It’s been over a year since he got sepsis ( was in hospital 3 weeks) yet he blames that for everything. I want to support him but feel like he’s taking he piss out of me constantly. He’s started lately moaning that all I do is work, I haven’t got time for him, I don’t listen to him etc - frankly I don’t have any more to give him as I’m utterly exhausted. AIBU to be expecting more now ? What’s reasonable to expect ?

He needs to get back to paid employment. I doubt you’d notice the difference at home because it sounds like he’s doing next to nothing. I also think you should start getting your ducks in a row, it sounds like you could manage quite easily on your own.

He needs to get a job!

OP has also posted when DH was still working, earning significantly less but still expecting her to prioritise his career. So I'm not sure him getting a job (which he does not want to do) would help much.

He needs a job OP or to get on top of things, or some medical help, being a sahp only works if it helps the family team, if you're still paying for nursery, a cleaner, if you're cooking and having to mostly shop, and you're wft then he's not actually supporting the family team at all, he's just there and unemployed.
Would it help if you supported him with some structure to start with? A regular shopping list you build together of things you need/want that he then utilises, a list of who does what when, who gets a break and when, so that he understands what to do and that it's fair.... It might also be worth looking at where he's doing a fab job and thanking him, if there's anything (e.g. some art with the toddler they did together, pr something they baked or something he's sorted in the house)
Ultimately if he can't/won't commit to the role properly he either needs medical help from the doctor or to go out to work, even if it's PT. He sounds depressed and I wonder if he knows he's failing and feels purposeless. Does he have friends, family etc. Does he have any hobbies?
You need a proper chat where you discuss options, find out how he's really feeling about everything and get him some help, whether it is medical, mental health support or some structure around his sahp role. I suspect once he has shared honestly and there's a plan in place he might feel a little more hopeful and purposeful perhaps. If he gets medical support and his sepsis is found to be the entire cause of this then he needs to look at how he claims pip or other financial and practical support, if it's that debilitating that he can't work or be a sahp, you can't keep picking up all the slack.

Take detailed notes of his slipshod approach to parenting.
Maybe use an online notes tool, or buy a calendar with space each day to include a bullet list or paragraph.

Include going shopping and failing to buy necessary basics like bread or anything else to feed the kids, inadequate meals the kids were fed by him, whether kids were bathed, whether he ever got the kids up and organised for their day, dressed, and out - to nursery, school, on an outing, whether he ever does mundane chores like laundry start to finish, knows where all the kids' clothes and other stuff are kept, whether he keeps track of when they are growing out of clothes and buys replacements, etc.

This is to cover your ass if you decide you'd be better being an actual single parent instead of a married single parent and he claims he does he majority of childcare, gets residency, and you end up paying him child support.

That's nonsense.

They see it. They prefer to prioritise high status tasks and leave what they perceive to be donkey work to someone they perceive to be beneath them.

Men are all about posturing and status.

It’s not ok for a husband and parent to “live like that” though. I can’t believe the way some posters are dismissing the indifference and contempt he is showing his own children and his role as husband—you would never accept this treatment if we were discussing dogs. There the owner’s role as caretaker is paramount. Here its optional?

I’m afraid that I agree with @pikkumyy77 . This isn’t a consequence of having sepsis, he complained constantly about his life before he was ill. Why on earth did he bother getting married and having children?

I don’t know what to advise tbh, he sounds like a cocklodger who can’t be bothered with his wife and children.

Your husband clearly has a depressive disorder which is a mental health issue. He needs support, understanding and possible medication along with CBT. By telling you you work all the time he is asking for more help because he is not coping and it is therefore unreasonable to be saying hes taking the piss. He needs more help as he is struggling, whether you see it as unreasonable or not. For a person struggling even getting up or gettong dressed can be a huge draining task, leaving the house to go shopping is a massive task. Maybe suggest he does a shop on online shopping such as tesco each week until he is ready/able to cope. Simple tasks can be mentally and physically exhausting to someone struggling. It can also cause disturbed sleep which then doesnt helpml. He needs to seek advice from his GP

Putting this aside and your needs, you state you have had enough of it. That means it is affecting your mental health, supporting and being with someone who has mental health issues is demanding, tiring, frustrating and isolating. You yourself should seek advice from the GP and various support networks who can offer guidance on how to deal, respond and support some one with issues.

Your husband clearly has a depressive disorder which is a mental health issue. He needs support, understanding and possible medication along with CBT. By telling you you work all the time he is asking for more help because he is not coping and it is therefore unreasonable to be saying hes taking the piss. He needs more help as he is struggling, whether you see it as unreasonable or not. For a person struggling even getting up or gettong dressed can be a huge draining task, leaving the house to go shopping is a massive task. Maybe suggest he does a shop on online shopping such as tesco each week until he is ready/able to cope. Simple tasks can be mentally and physically exhausting to someone struggling. It can also cause disturbed sleep which then doesnt helpml. He needs to seek advice from his GP

Putting this aside and your needs, you state you have had enough of it. That means it is affecting your mental health, supporting and being with someone who has mental health issues is demanding, tiring, frustrating and isolating. You yourself should seek advice from the GP and various support networks who can offer guidance on how to deal, respond and support some one with issues.

or he's just lazy and happy to let his wife do all the work while he enjoys doing the stuff he likes? If shopping is a massive task, how come he always manages to buy ribeye steaks - but bread is suddenly too much?

I've just read her other posts. She posted pretty much the same thing eight months ago when her DH was 7 months post sepsis and not doing any child care then although he was well enough to go out and have coffee, meet friends and visit his parents. He was pestering her for sex at that stage as well. He also told her that he didn't ever intend to go back to work. OP had to go back to work full time when her baby was six weeks old as well as doing everything in the house. She said:

'Currently he has £500 a month to himself with all bills / food / days out paid for. I’ve gone from having a comfortable disposable income where I could save for the children’s future / holidays / treat us to huge things to getting to the end of the month with £4 left. Long term he has said he doesn’t want to return to work again as isn’t good at job interviews.'

I think it's more likely that OP is depressed than her DH.

and 2 years ago, so before DH could blame his lazyness on the sepsis, OP posted that she earns more than double his salary, (Dh has no interest in progressing) and does bulk of housework, while pregnant. But while DH had agreed to take some time off to look after the baby, he later backtracked and said that OP should do the childcare while WFH.
Does sound like someone who has always been selfish and happy to let OP to pull the entire weight.

She's not a mental healthcare professional and if her husband is depressed she's not the person to offer care or support, especially when she's stretched to the limit and suffering the fallout of whatever the heck it is that's biting him (I don't agree it's a MH problem; I think he's a cocklodger who is wiping his feet on the OP but heyho).

If he refuses to seek proper medical help, she doesn't have to shoulder his burdens. She would be well within her rights to issue an ultimatum. But she needs to keep a careful record of his failures as a sahp and the split of time each of them spends actively parenting them so that he won't get to inflict further damage on the children as a resident parent.

What post sepsis support is available from the hospital/ relevant charities?

Does he have a brain injury / other cognitive problems arising from the sepsis? Ie. Is there a serious reason he didn't buy bread?

If it's this, then an Occupational Therapy assessment is worth a try to help him understand the problem and put solutions in place that work with his difficulties.

If not, couples counselling is worth a try in addition to his personal therapy.

Separately, find yourself a good family lawyer to get advice on the likely financial split on divorce. Is his earning capacity sufficiently diminished to justify a departure from a 50:50 split of assets? How likely would he be to want the children to mostly live with him as the stay at home parent? Can he live independently? It might be interesting to see what happens if you and the children go away for a couple of days and leave him at home.

You obviously don't have to stay with him even if he'll get a bigger split of the assets but knowing the likely position gives you planning time.

Sounds like he's not cut out to be a SAHP.

@Anony1981 I agree that he should seek help from his GP if he’s struggling with his mental health. The OP can’t help him, she’s not trained in this area and is trying to keep the family going.

As a parent, he has an obligation to his children to seek help, because he’s supposed to be caring for them. Many, many parents struggle with their mental health at times
(including me) and most realize that they need to get help for their children’s sake.

Tbh, the fact that he’s fine doing his hobbies, meeting up with friends, etc. but somehow can’t cook, clean and look after his children properly makes me suspicious that he’s not really unwell, he just can’t be arsed.

Which is appalling really, as nowadays we have a choice as to whether to have children.
He shouldn’t have become a father if he can’t be bothered to look after them.

Hi op he’s taking the piss out of you. How are you supposed to carry on in this farce he’s got energy for the good things you should call him out on this say if you have energy for that you have energy for your role at home otherwise we swap places you find a well paid job I look after everything here then I will have time for you and sex etc. I would go away for a couple of days if I was you tell him your taking annual leave or the weekend and he needs to crack on. If he doesn’t then you might need to review your marriage he’s doing nothing but taking advantage of you no respect or care coming from him just expectations you will crack up stop being his lackey he chose Sahp give him the reigns take a well earned break.

He sounds like he may well be depressed and would likely benefit from going back to work.

Being a SAHP is boring and monotonous and not for everyone. He is obviously not enjoying it. Encourage him to get a job and share the parenting. You’ll all be happier

@LockdownscepticBefore becoming a SAHP, he didn’t like working either though! Perhaps his attitude has now changed, who knows.

He moaned about his job constantly, how he hated it, how bad it was for his mental health etc,

Personally I'd enroll the child(ren) into childcare and tell him to get a job. He has too much time on his hands, a busy mind will improve his life.

I think you should visit the same counsellor if they don’t recognise you and literally tell them how you aren’t coping and see what their advice is.

I would get out now. My DH is a SAHP except our kid is now 16. I work a full time job, an evening/ weekend job, do a zero hours seasonal job and babysitting of other people’s kids. I’m tired.
He does cook meals from scratch but I have to meal plan and do the online shop.

I’ve had enough now as I want my evenings and weekends back. I’ve kicked off big time as this month the mortgage payment bounced. I said he needs to bring in the mortgage amount monthly as I’m done.

the annoying thing is that he’s never worked even before kids and if we divorced then he’d end up with half. Yes he did childcare when kid was born and school runs etc but soon as I got home at 6pm, the baby was handed to me and I did all the bedtime etc. I Made our dinner and then went back to work as I was a teacher so doing prep work til late.

What a mug I am and now stuck until DS finishes full time education.

Ignoring how unhelpful and incapable he is being, sort the things which will govern you relief first, then tackle what you want to do about him.

Clearly he is not magically going to cook and clean.

Can you initially get a cleaner for the deep clean each week, then he does the superficial daily tidy up? If he’s blowing £150 pw at M&S can you instead get a meal delivery service like Gousto? I use this as my DH and I have extremely busy jobs where we can both travel and we have a son. As such we get this delivered once a week so we know we are all eating healthy meals without the hassle of thinking what to cook, meal planning and shopping. You can select quick ten minute meals. It’s brilliant.

once this helps you - you can sit down and have a serious talk once you’ve got some head space back.

Honestly I would leave him, he’s opting out of your family life and sailing on the wave of your success, cut him off and I bet the relief will be tangible and life will feel easier. He can have the children in shared custody and his bins / moaning / lifestyle will be his issue. You can move on, have time to yourself when he has children, be non-resentful and maybe meet someone new who buoys you up rather than drags you down. You deserve so much more.