Husband still struggling, AIBU to expect more?

[greyA]

I’ve got up this morning with our 1 year old and there’s literally nothing to feed him as husband again hasn’t bought bread- he’s spending £150+ weekly on food but barely cooks and frequently forgets the basics - I’ve got 2 Ribeyes in my fridge but no bread 🤣 me and kids only eat decent food if I cook it - he mostly buys M and S ready meals. Just this week alone I have worked full time ( I WFH ) cleaned the house, looked after the kids whilst he run errands on Thursday, cooked 3 nights out of 5 ( he cooked one - takeaway the other ) I also did everything for our older child’s birthday. On Monday I cooked a roast dinner, bathed and put toddler to bed. come down and husband tells me he’s exhausted because he cleared up from dinner. Yesterday he tells me life is mundane and spends the whole day in some sort of depressive episode even though I’d got up early with both kids and let him sleep until gone 9 even when I needed to start work. I’ve been up since 530 this morning and he’s still sleeping and I don’t know how much longer I can do this - he’s shit at the job he has chosen to do ( SAHP) and doesn’t seem to want to be good at it. I’ve tried leaving it ( house, kids, cooking etc ) but it doesn’t get done. If I moan there’s a brief improvement but we always end up back here. We’ve tried a cleaner, also toddler is in nursery 2 mornings a week ( not free- I have to pay for this ) It’s been over a year since he got sepsis ( was in hospital 3 weeks) yet he blames that for everything. I want to support him but feel like he’s taking he piss out of me constantly. He’s started lately moaning that all I do is work, I haven’t got time for him, I don’t listen to him etc - frankly I don’t have any more to give him as I’m utterly exhausted. AIBU to be expecting more now ? What’s reasonable to expect ?

What does he bring to the table? You're working, doing the housework and the childcare.. you're having to spread yourself so thinly and on top of that have a "man" in the house demanding even more attention from you ugh.
He really doesn't seem to be even trying to help with anything.. but wants to take more from you. No wonder you're so turned off! Not sure how he can't see that for himself, it's hardly attractive.

Being married sounds like hell, honestly

Yanbu

@greyA are you able to go to the counselling sessions with him, even just one? I suspect he isn't putting across any of the things you do, and I imagine he is just telling them about all your nagging and you're never home etc The counsellor might even be suggesting things for him to do, but he is cherry picking what he wants to, just like he does at home

Oh just get rid. He's awful. Check if you need to get him back to work first though from a financia split perspective

You’ve got to ask yourself honestly what he brings to your life. By the sound of it - nothing positive. Is this the way you envision your life going forward?
The way your household runs is not fair on you.He’s not living up to his side of the bargain.
I don’t usually resort to LTB, but I think you would be much happier without him. You’re doing everything anyway

I say this as someone who also had sepsis - after a c section birth - with my second. He needs to suck it up. As soon as I got out of hospital I was back to looking after a toddler and a newborn, still shopping and feeding them etc as my husband had maxed out his paternity leave and annual leave to cover everything while I was in hospital. I know everyone recovers differently but honestly I just feel like women feel far more pressure to be resilient and get on with things. It’s totally unacceptable he’s cooked 2 out of 5 nights especially when 1 was a take away! It’s a tough gig with small children but it doesn’t last forever he needs to pull up his big boy pants and get on with it! Also what an audacity to complain that all you do it work! It’s literally so that he can be SAHP and to keep a roof over your heads! Sounds like he will never be happy unless he’s living a life of leisure and that’s not the real world for the majority of people.

Leave. The longer you stay the worse he will get. He will struggle to get a job. Presumably has no income and no pension. He sounds like an insufferable drain.

He's not doing the job he's agreed to do. It's your choice do you let him, pull him or divorce him

I can't see why you are bothering.
Get your ducks in a row
you know you can do it - you are already doing everything

and you must be on a good income if he can afford M&S meals for everyone all the time.

Meanwhile I am sorry to say, you need to do online food orders.

Honestly, OP, that sounds utterly miserable and unsustainable. You are going to end up hating him (if you don't already). I would have a frank and honest conversation that you've got one foot out the door, give him a chance to change (and don't do it for him, this has to be on his initiative) then make a decision.

I know everyone if affected differently by sepsis....I had it and spent months going for check ups and heart scans once I had recovered....and I was working full time with two children.
He is not motivating himself to do anything. But it sounds like he was like this before the sepsis so I don't think he will change now.
I think unfortunately you might have to call it a day and ask him to go.

It took me 18 months to recover fully from sepsis. I was in the hospital for 6 weeks and I nearly died. I was exhausted all the time.

However, I still cooked, cleaned, took care of my step children and my husband.

I think your husband needs to go see his gp and talk about how he’s feeling and get his blood work done to see if something else is wrong.

It’s no excuse to treat you like this and to not manage his share of running a home. If I read your post right (I don’t understand all the acronyms used here) he is a stay at home parent ? If that’s the case he needs to be doing more or he needs to go back to work.

He needs to get a grip. Sahp is an actual role, not just not working a paid job. if he can’t perform his role within your household then he needs to get a job and you can pay for nursery and hopefully a cleaner!

If he won’t listen to reason then time to start planning for divorce because this is unsustainable for you to live like this

You need to tell him this is a marriage counselling session and start laying down the lines.

I think you’re better off if he goes back to work. You’re having to do it all anyway and it sounds like he just wants to sit on his ass and live off you while making your life difficult.

You need to get him back to work full time BEFORE you divorce him or he will
use his SAHP status to make sure he claims maintenance from you and you then have to pay for him sitting on his arse forever!

Omg, what an absolute loser!
Would he go to marriage guidance counselling so you can have your say? Can you point out that if you divorce him he would need to get a full time job to support himself.

You can't live your life like this OP, you deserve so much better.
I appreciate that it would be difficult being a single parent though when you work so many hours but you are doing so much of it anyway.

You'll feel so much better after you divorce.

And he won't get 'maintenance' - he'll get child maintenance IF he has the children more than 50/50. AS IF he would do that!

This is not salvageable. It's only a matter of how much time you waste before the divorce happens

You need to pull the plug on this marriage because this is who he is - totally selfish and self-absorbed - and he will NOT change.

What is more, you must do this sooner rather than later, because if his being the SAHP becomes established, there is a very real risk of him being awarded majority custody and you having to pay him for the privilege.

In your shoes I would start keeping a very detailed diary: a line down the centre of the page, with what you do on the left and his contributions on the right. I bet it’ll be very revealing!

Also check out Wikivorce, Divorce for Dummies and family solicitor websites.

What does he bring to the relationship? It sounds like absolutely nothing. His therapist is also enabling his laziness and tendency to always put himself first. No-one in their right minds would want to have sex with this whiny, lazy, selfish man.

You need to give him an ultimatum. He either starts pulling his weight or the marriage is over.

Ask him if he wants to leave.
Im sure you can work out what to say once he’s replied.
Best of luck 😊..

Op, you've posted several threads on the same topic since he recovered from his sepsis and became a SAHD (ha!), and posters have agreed that he will not improve. And here we are, he has not improved. You can't change him, you have tried, he does not want to. So let him live like that. You, on the other hand, have options.

It sounds like an awful situation for everyone and probably the marriage will fail if things don’t change.

However, it’s impossible for any of us to say how much of this is because of the sepsis (and therefore could improve with time) versus how much is a character failing and won’t improve.

What you definitely DONT want is for him to join the long term unemployed. I would consider discussing whether kid can go to nursery while he retrains in something with decent earnings potential. but of course finances may not permit that.

Is he aware that he is not your child too?

I would have lost my shit at this twat well before now. He is taking the piss big time. You are doing everything while he just sits on his backside doing just as he pleases.

This lazy arsehole has not improved one iota from when you started a thread about him in January. Why are you still putting up with his shit? I hope you're still not paying him £500 spending money while you have nothing left at the end of the month.

You need to get rid, but before you do, you should go and see a lawyer and see where you stand legally. From what PP above said, you may be better off if he is working in the event of a divorce. In which case you need to make him go back to work, so his money can pay for a cleaner and nursery fees instead of you doing it all.

And he expects you to dress up in sexy outfits? I hope you've told him there won't be any action in that department as you are completely turned off by his whining and piss taking.

I’ll tell you what’s reasonable to expect: nothing. That way, you will always be prepared that it is YOU who needs to be doing all these things. He won’t. Expectations only lead to disappointment and resentment. Unless he’s aware of your expectations and his affect on you all then he’s not going to change his behaviour.