Husband still struggling, AIBU to expect more?

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I’ve got up this morning with our 1 year old and there’s literally nothing to feed him as husband again hasn’t bought bread- he’s spending £150+ weekly on food but barely cooks and frequently forgets the basics - I’ve got 2 Ribeyes in my fridge but no bread 🤣 me and kids only eat decent food if I cook it - he mostly buys M and S ready meals. Just this week alone I have worked full time ( I WFH ) cleaned the house, looked after the kids whilst he run errands on Thursday, cooked 3 nights out of 5 ( he cooked one - takeaway the other ) I also did everything for our older child’s birthday. On Monday I cooked a roast dinner, bathed and put toddler to bed. come down and husband tells me he’s exhausted because he cleared up from dinner. Yesterday he tells me life is mundane and spends the whole day in some sort of depressive episode even though I’d got up early with both kids and let him sleep until gone 9 even when I needed to start work. I’ve been up since 530 this morning and he’s still sleeping and I don’t know how much longer I can do this - he’s shit at the job he has chosen to do ( SAHP) and doesn’t seem to want to be good at it. I’ve tried leaving it ( house, kids, cooking etc ) but it doesn’t get done. If I moan there’s a brief improvement but we always end up back here. We’ve tried a cleaner, also toddler is in nursery 2 mornings a week ( not free- I have to pay for this ) It’s been over a year since he got sepsis ( was in hospital 3 weeks) yet he blames that for everything. I want to support him but feel like he’s taking he piss out of me constantly. He’s started lately moaning that all I do is work, I haven’t got time for him, I don’t listen to him etc - frankly I don’t have any more to give him as I’m utterly exhausted. AIBU to be expecting more now ? What’s reasonable to expect ?

Sepsis, like any very serious infection, can take a lot of getting over.

This. Even a part -time job may help and then get a cleaner to help with the housework (using his wages).

Have you considered internet shopping for the food?

Maybe he hasn’t ‘learnt’ what to do. Can you write him a rota of what jobs to do when? (I know you shouldn’t have to, but it sounds like he hasn’t developed a routine, so maybe sitting down and devising one together may help).

He would probably find a job is easier than being a sahp. So as he’s struggling with SAHP and it’s not helping him he should look for a job. Phrase it as helping him to feel better etc etc. At least he won’t be able to claim primary carer if he has job and you decide to ditch him later

Why are more of these threads occurring?

Full-time women who are subsidising these SAHM Dads who are lazy shits. Get some dignity, woman, gee.

Are you that desperate for a man?

Some of this feels like learned helplessness or just not making an effort - M&S ready meals? Excuse me?! - and some may be a lack of structure. Either way, it sounds like he needs to get a job. Can you phrase it as 'you don't seem to enjoy being a SAHP' rather than 'you're shit at being a SAHP', so he can't come back at you and say your standards are too high? It would give him some structure and socialisation if that's something his therapist thinks he needs.

If he works even a couple of days a week (or starts with one) that might get him out of his funk. Alternatively he'll claim he's even more exhausted, but he seems to do that a lot anyway, so you might as well get some money out of it.

Honestly, I’d show him this thread and ask him to write HIS version - what would his OP be?

You need to flush out what’s going on. He may well be depressed, but if he isn’t recognising it, then his counselling is going to be ‘off-pitch’ and solve nothing.

Good luck! xx

Would it help if he had a list of jobs.
So that he has structure in his day
Can you do online food shop for delivery, so he just puts it all away.
A meal plan for the week.
Men are not good at multitasking.
Does he want to go back to work ?

I can't put my finger on why, but something about the way this is written makes me think this is a reverse, actually written by a man about his wife.

OR her lazy DH could just shift his arse

Men have hogged the majority of senior jobs in the corporate world as well as the majority of wealth in the uk and globally. And yet when it comes to pulling their weight in the household people will make excuses like men aren’t good at multitasking!!? Come on.

Sorry, I’m not belittling your post but ‘brain frog’ conjures up such an image I couldn’t help laughing ❤️
😫🐸

This sounds awful OP; my DH has had sepsis too (5 years ago) - he also took all the help and support needed afterwards to be back at work, fully engaged in the family and doing his fair share. No one is denying that he has had a very serious illness but good god you would have to be more than a saint to put up with his nonsense.

It gave me the ick when you said he has enough energy for his friends and hobbies but is at home fundamentally a whiny husband (with no fucking insight) who is doing the bare minimum as a SAHD.

You need a serious, but final conversation with him - you will leave unless:

• he gets proper help - I would also see if you can attend a counselling session with him to put things into perspective!
• he becomes a proper SAHD, cooks and cleans and sorts the kids - you will do your fair share at the weekend - if not he has 3 months to get a job.

I don’t think I could get past this total lack of respect to be honest- I think he is a lazy, spoiled, selfish man who does not deserve you.

I think you have to now be clear about the ask, be clear that you have had enough (and what that means) and be clear you have had enough of his whiny, childish behaviour.

I can’t believe this!! why on earth should she do all the mental load, write lists for him, order a home shop!!!

No absolutely not, he is a grown man who needs to grow up!! He can surely see when there is no bread in the house or when the washing needs doing!

This.
He's not a sahp.
He is a lazy whiney man.
Time you found your anger.
He's just the type to claim spousal support as he is primary carer.

Be very careful.
Start texting him so you have proof of what his is actually doing and not doing.

Situational depression.....when he is asked to do shit he can't be arsed with!....like looking after his children and sharing the load.

Some men who may be depressed my benefit from a list.
My husband forgets abx prefers a list which he then prioritises over the week.
My sister's husband likes to know what days the children go to clubs so he has a list , then the night before he gets there stuff ready , it's not a bad thing, plus the food list tells them what they are hAving when .
Not ridiculous at all if you don't manage time well.

I promise I’m female! Probably more male brained than most though 🤣

Have you told him why you don’t want to I would be brutally honest with him he sounds like a child and he’s clearly just sponging of you, I’m assuming with him not working he’s got no income he stays at home all day and does nothing he basically sits and watches you run around do the house work deal with the kids and work 60 hours a week come on OP you deserve better than this. You’d be less stressed and tired without him

who makes OP's list? Shouldn't it be the SAHP who knows what the household needs, when kids have their clubs and so on?

It's true , they are not good at multitasking and they often need to be told / reminded etc of what needs doing , as they just don't see the mess / bin need taking out etc.
My husband prefers a list especially if I am at work as he doesn't want me to come home and start housework

We have a list that both of us write on as my husband is 60 and we both forget stuff , it's on the kitchen notice board.

of course if he's forgetful, he should make himself a list, so he can be more efficient in his SAHD role. That's very different from sitting on his backside and waiting for OP to hand him a chore chart with gold stars, while she is resposible for everything else.

The counselor is enabling him to take advantage of you. You’re not his mum. Stop coddling him.

I’ve heard the phrase ‘weaponised incompetence’ mentioned on mumsnet before. I think your dh suffers from this.

I also agree the counsellor isn’t helping.

As I see it, you have three options.

1. Do nothing - current situation continues
2. make changes - write the list, get dh to get a part time job, etc . ( It sounds like you’ve tried this)
3. Leave the situation - it sounds like you’re beginning to reach this point.

And of course men see mess just fine. The ones who claim that they have no idea what to do when they see an overflowing bin and dirty dishes in the sink, simply don't think it's their job.

So personally I have had sepsis and am lucky to be alive. It took me a while to recover and the exhaustion was another level BUT I was back to me after 6 months!! That was 6 months after an emergency section, sepsis and navigating a newborn and older sibling also….so it’s not sepsis and wonder if he has some kind of PTSD from it because for me it was traumatic.

He either needs to work to allow you to go part time to manage everything or get the help he needs and step up 🤷🏼‍♀️ you definitely aren’t asking much.

For context both husband and I are full time, work opposite one another and have 2 kids. One school age and one toddler. He cooks, cleans, runs errands and is a great partner because we are a team. He is not acting like a partner but a third child right now 🤷🏼‍♀️