Husband still struggling, AIBU to expect more?

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I’ve got up this morning with our 1 year old and there’s literally nothing to feed him as husband again hasn’t bought bread- he’s spending £150+ weekly on food but barely cooks and frequently forgets the basics - I’ve got 2 Ribeyes in my fridge but no bread 🤣 me and kids only eat decent food if I cook it - he mostly buys M and S ready meals. Just this week alone I have worked full time ( I WFH ) cleaned the house, looked after the kids whilst he run errands on Thursday, cooked 3 nights out of 5 ( he cooked one - takeaway the other ) I also did everything for our older child’s birthday. On Monday I cooked a roast dinner, bathed and put toddler to bed. come down and husband tells me he’s exhausted because he cleared up from dinner. Yesterday he tells me life is mundane and spends the whole day in some sort of depressive episode even though I’d got up early with both kids and let him sleep until gone 9 even when I needed to start work. I’ve been up since 530 this morning and he’s still sleeping and I don’t know how much longer I can do this - he’s shit at the job he has chosen to do ( SAHP) and doesn’t seem to want to be good at it. I’ve tried leaving it ( house, kids, cooking etc ) but it doesn’t get done. If I moan there’s a brief improvement but we always end up back here. We’ve tried a cleaner, also toddler is in nursery 2 mornings a week ( not free- I have to pay for this ) It’s been over a year since he got sepsis ( was in hospital 3 weeks) yet he blames that for everything. I want to support him but feel like he’s taking he piss out of me constantly. He’s started lately moaning that all I do is work, I haven’t got time for him, I don’t listen to him etc - frankly I don’t have any more to give him as I’m utterly exhausted. AIBU to be expecting more now ? What’s reasonable to expect ?

If you’re a stay at home parent the majority of the household tasks should fall to you.

This sounds obvious but I shall say it as it wasn’t obvious to me at times! Sometimes when my DH or I are annoyed or frustrated with each other, rather than having a calm, transparent and supportive conversation (from both sides), it can instead lead to accusing and defensive comments that lead nowhere and just compound any negative feelings. But when we try be factual and not judge and say look things are tough and this is where I’m at and how I’m feeling. What about you? What can we do together to make things better? Things suddenly become so much easier. Speaking for myself I have sometimes got into a loop of reacting instead of just talking about it which then leads to resolution.

He’s not a SAHP- he’s an unemployed man! Stop facilitating, he gets a job or you’d be better off without him.

This will not get better OP.

Cut your losses and get rid. He will drag you so far down you'll end up not recognising who you are. There is no happy ending for women when we have a man like this in our lives. They never magically improve or grow up.

Op what do you mean he has boundless energy for things he enjoys? What is he doing? Hobbies?

The key here is understanding what is depression and what is him being a man child.

True depression takes over a person’s inner life and makes it hell that colours everything. Think about famous people with money and great lives that committed suicide. It’s because their inner world was hell and even a favourite hobby or passion became tainted and no respite from this inner hell. That is clinical depression. Antidepressants can totally resolve this for some and then counselling can work things through.

Conversely you have the forever child syndrome. The boring bits of life are boring and they want to opt out. They feel great when getting to do their hobbies and things they enjoy. They are sad at all the boring bits of life. This isn’t clinical depression. There can be some low level depression but it isn’t something I’d treat medically as the issue is they don’t have realistic life expectations - not a chemical imbalance. Counselling can help to some extent but can also do harm - counsellors tell them to create more me time. Can be very destructive to a family. Couples counselling better here.

So I think you need to figure out what you think is happening here with him. I suspect the latter.If the latter I’d suggest couples counselling so you can work through the fact him opting out of boring bits creates stress for you that will be a downward spiral to the relationship and likely both your MH. If he can’t change though then you need to consider if you want to keep this forever child…

You are perfectly entitled to walk away in either scenario but especially the latter.

Another life is possible. I am a single parent working from home too and not interested in men one jot. There's no other adult around making life more difficult and adding nothing.

Ex has the kids and during that time I focus on me.

It's bloody wonderful.

It's not about the bread is it? It's about what it symbolises.

To you, 'no bread' is about all the other things he does and doesn't do that cumulatively tell you he doesn't care. He doesn't care enough to buy and cook proper food. He doesn't care enough to remember basics for his own children. He doesn't care that he's putting all the heavy lifting on you whilst he doesn't work. He's doing the bare miminum because he doesn't care enough to make the effort. You said he has boundless enregy for things he wants to do. So it's not about the sepsis.

Have a read of this article, it might ring some bells. She Divorced Me Because I Left Dishes By The Sink
https://www.huffpost.com/entry/she-divorced-me-i-left-dishes-by-the-sink_b_9055288

You have some choices. Would you consider marriage counselling? Would he? Because if not, then tells you it's over and it's about planning how you would live seperately.

OP from the info provided you are not unreasonable at all. You are in the middle of a tough situation that needs open eyes and reality check. Firefighting like this only leaves you depleted which means your children do not feel the full benefit of having a mother. Children need more than roof, food and clothes to grow into well balanced, thriving adults.
A serious assessment is needed as to the state of your DH's health. Was he left with impairments as a result of the sepsis? And that needs looking at objectively. I had sepsis, ICU care and it was tough for a while, after 2 weeks I had to get back to work, nobody to provide for me as my ExH took the piss and didn't work.
Think about all the people who have tough cancer treatment and they go from chemo to work.
Post covid a lot of people, think min hundreds of 1000s, are left with brain fog, pain etc and hardly any support from medical profession.
Consider this:

• It sounds like your husband wasn't happy with his life pre sepsis and wasn't doing much about it other than moan.
• In recovery patients also have to take responsibility and put the effort in to get back to a good functional level.
• When someone we love falls severely ill it has a huge impact and we might have the tendency to try and protect and comfort them being grateful they survived. Nothing wrong with that but after a while it is important that the other person also gets in touch with their gratitude
• Some people say you should give him structure, clear instructions etc- that is like you having 2 small kids and one slightly older that needs instructions to help out unreliably. That is not a partnership - it needs addressing, either you can talk like adults, review situation and make good decisions together or if the other person refuses then you have to make good decisions for yourself and your DC
• If he had weekly counselling for a while and still in this state he needs a different type of support, one that helps him move forward with actions and accountability.

-Like someone else mentioned, clinical depression and being depressed because he is not happy with his life and sees himself as having no purpose are very different things. -He needs purpose and activity that is not just coasting around knowing he can always burden you with what he cannot be bothered. He is a parent as well and that comes with responsibility. What was he like before the illness. I would think from what you describe that he cannot handle being a SAHP and so he needs to get back to work, have what support he needs for that and then you are in a financial position to hire help. Decisions like this are hard but not taking them also comes at a very high cost, for you and the children. Wishing you clarity and strength to find your way to a better life.

He should be the one researching after effects of sepsis and recovery and what he can do about that - tbh that’s part of the recovery process. It might be one of the things you talk about - had he had any thoughts about what he could do in terms of accessing local health options ( I’m thinking things like those group health walks that happen in our area, or yes googling stuff/ seeing his GP about it).

I genuinely do not believe he has true depression. The life he is living today that he complains about constantly is exactly the life he used to dream about when he also moaned about his life every day. He is just a glass half empty sort of person - He’s happy doing hobbies, visiting friends, pottering in the garage etc but the second I question why the bin has been over flowing for days and stinks, or suggest eating something other than ready meals or takeaways he gets angry and defensive and suddenly he can’t cope, I need to give him more time to adjust, my standards are too high etc. The counselling does make him worse as it feels like the counsellor enables him to be a dick. He’s comes back from these sessions telling me how his homework is to pick up a new hobby, or arrange to see a friend or do something good for his mind / body / soul meanwhile I’m working a 60 hour week and blitzing the house at the end of the day after cooking dinner and bathing the children. All attempts at talking to him fail - it’s the same defensiveness and excuses every time and somehow is always my fault.

but the second I question why the bin has been over flowing for days and stinks, or suggest eating something other than ready meals or takeaways he gets angry and defensive and suddenly he can’t cope, I need to give him more time to adjust, my standards are too high etc.

Maybe that is the issue though OP. You could both be right at the same time - you just have different opinions and priorities. I totally get where you’re coming from and I’d feel the same, but other people are happy to live like that.

Happy to live with the bins over flowing?
On to the floor?
Exactly when does it become a problem for a normal functioning adult.
And kids needs baths.
All kids want to fit in - and smelly kids get picked on.
He either gets his act together or goes back to work.

Wow I think you marred my exh. He had a couple of day surgeries... Dragged out being off work. Became depressed... Never too much so he ever missed golf or pool nights at the local. But unable to grab a loaf on his way home when he did get a job... Managed to order loads of shite from a catalogue I disagreed he /we needed...
I threw him out eventually after stashing cash and claiming we were skint. I was borrowing to pay bills and he was ordering more golf clubs.. He had checked out of our life together. Maybe your dh has too. He seems to show no commitment or responsibility for your household..

Its not ok for a husband and parent to “live like that” though. I can’t believe the way some posters are dismissing the indifference and contempt he is showing his own children and his role as husband—you would never accept this treatment if we were discussing dogs. There the owner’s role as caretaker is paramount. Here its optional?

I think counseling is a red herring. If his therapist is treating him for depression then that is what they are working on and the recommended course of treatment is either medication or activation. The therapist isn’t going to give him a boot up the backside and a stern reminder that the children’s needs come first. If the therapist does the patient fires the therapist right away and any possibility of therapy ends.

He needs treatment for his retreat into narcissistic self absorption but no one accrpts therapy for that because narcissistic self absorption is their solution to tbeir problem. Its not the problem for them. Its a problem for OP. He won’t work to cure a problem he doesn’t recognize.

Ask yourself, OP, whether you can go on like this? Can he pull out of this tailspin? Can he learn to empathically relate to you snd the children and fulfill role expectations like husband, partner, lover, father, SAHP? These are roles that he has dropped either because he is too sick or because they are not satisfying to him. He no longer wants to do them.

Of course he may be also having an existential crisis due to the sepsis. That crisis is a real thing after medical trauma. But you have indulged it for a year. I think its time to tell him that you can’t keep doing both of your jobs. Because you can’t. You will burn out.

I tbi k you might just say to him: I sm at my limit. Do you think you will ever go back to caring for me and our children, our lives, finances, security, health, and happiness or are you just going to be claiming to be an invalid for the rest if your life?

See what he says.

Oh, snd by the way “ you work all the time” means “you aren’t giving me enough sex and fun attention.”

Yes - I get this a lot lately. He’s annoyed that I don’t dress up in sexy outfits or jump his bones frequently but honestly I am so turned off by him and his incessant whining about how tough he’s got it. I have an executive level job and do consultancy work on the side which is about 60 hours weekly. In between cooking from the scratch so the kids aren’t eating ready meals or pizza, and keeping on top of the chores - the last thing I want to do at the end of the day is him! But he’s genuinely surprised at that and blames our toddler for ‘ changing everything ‘ the kids are the only thing keeping me going / keeping me sane right now.

Was he fine before the sepsis?

He’s worthless. Might as well go at it alone, you are already for the most part.

I think you may have posted about this before? Apologies if not but I remember something similar a while ago.I had Sepsis and it takes a lot out of you.However I still had to cook and care for DC as also a SAHM then.If he is having Counselling this should help .It sounds as though you are very caring .I think maybe do a grocery order online maybe ? Can you get a cleaner just for a while maybe . I think you are both having a hard time ATM.It took a long while to feel better TBH

Honestly he sounds pathetic. Whats the point of him?

Millions of women manage all this stuff while holding down full time jobs. I can’t believe he has the cheek to complain you work too hard.

Sepsis or not, he brings absolutely nothing to the table and he’s a poor role model to your children. You are bringing in the household money and doing all the work, you would be much happier without him.

He's not a SAHP, he's an unemployed, lazy, sex pest bum.

You need a husbandectomy.

You'll be so much freer of this miserable existence once you're rid of him. Be sure to speak with a solicitor first as you need to ensure YOU are classed as the primary carer, and that you don't end up having to pay him CMS or spousal support.

His counsellor sounds like his enabler. How nice of them to continually encourage him to spend oven more of the income that you are earning for the whole family.

It doesn't sound like you're getting anything out of this at all. He's just a dead weight around your neck.

He is taking the piss he’s the SAHP but your doing all the work and then he complains he’s not getting enough attention from you, I would rather be a single parent than put up with a man child tell him he needs to grow up and get a grip or get out what a waste of space he is.

The sexiest thing a man can do is clean the house, cook dinner, keep the kids entertained. Then he'll find that a woman in interested in sex.

This man is a complete and utter failure. He’s making your life considerably worse.

He sounds like an absolute loser who blames everyone else for his shortcomings. Doesn't seem like you need to stay with him, so why put up with his man child behaviour?