Pants under skirt for 4 year old - DH and I disagree

[Thatsnotmynamee]

In short, I just had a weird conversation with DH. Our 4 year old daughter was wearing a dress with pants under it today. We were on a short ferry journey, it was pretty packed. When back at our campsite, I realised DH had made her put on shorts underneath. He later told me he had felt extremely uncomfortable on the ferry, that there are paedophiles everywhere and he cannot bear the thought of a photo of her ending up in the wrong hands. He also said he's already noticed men looking at her?? I was shocked, completely taken aback - my mind just does not go there, am I ridiculously naive? (I don't post photos of her online btw apart from my private Instagram and never exposed.)
But I feel so grossed out by this, I wasn't able to discuss properly with DH. There's a part of me that wants to insist she doesn't need to wear shorts. Is he being rational?

Indeed

And I remember girls in my primary school doing handstands against the school wall and everybody seeing (gasp) their knickers! We weren't a bit fussed about it and neither were the teachers.
You know even further back, in the 50's, it was the (ostensibly) fast flashy promiscuous girls who were wearing jeans and trousers and the naice girls who were wearing skirts and dresses (with stockings and suspenders)! There is nothing more irrational than the cultural codes attached to women's and girls' clothing . . . .

Generally, I think that no shorts are fine and in a school environment its ok, the other kids literally don't care and teachers dont either. That said, my yougest does wear cycling shorts under unform and in home clothes too. She has ADHD so has fewer boundaries and zero modesty so if left to her own devices could be likely to flash her pants for a laugh.

Generally, I think that no shorts are fine and in a school environment its ok, the other kids literally don't care and teachers dont either.

That said, my yougest does wear cycling shorts under unform and in home clothes too. She has ADHD so has fewer boundaries and zero modesty so if left to her own devices could be likely to flash her pants for a laugh.

He is being overly paranoid but it is also fairly common certainly I do and DD does (teenager) and all her friends - admittedly with v v short skirts

I don't know why so many PPs are being so unpleasant about OP's DH. The man doesn't like the idea of people seeing his young daughter's underwear, that's all. The comment about him having noticed men looking at her is hopefully him being overly cautious, but I don't think OP needs to worry about her DH and I think it is unkind of people to suggest she should without any actual evidence.

I don't see why they wouldn't be on the ferry - the estimates of the number of paedophiles around are terrifying so I don't think the DH is being unreasonable here.

As someone that has many relatives that were abused as children, your husband is right to be paranoid of the predators.

I think
that mini cycling shorts-style shorts a re a sensible option . Kids hang upside from climbing frames, roll down hills, ride bikes It is not even about paedophiles, just maintaining privacy in front of whoever is there. Other kids laugh at other kids who accidentally expose their knickers, it is more comfortable in the heat to wear cotton cycling shorts under skirts. Skorts are another option that teenage girls like to wear.
OPs DH does sound anxious but maybe he has personal experiences that trigger uncomfortable feelings.
I hate to see little girls accidentally flashing their knickers at the park. But I was SA’d by boys who were couple of years older than me as a child. I spent my early teenage years in baggy clothes and lots of layers even in summer as a result.
I am in my late forties and my mum tells me that my dad was uncomfortable bathing me as a child, dad is definitely not a pervert and was ok with my sibling brothers but is obviously uncomfortable around breast feeding, changing grandchildren’s nappies. And it is not becuase he is avoiding unpleasant task of nappy changing he is and always has been a very private reserved person.

I always put cycling shorts under dresses / skirts for my daughter since she loves to climb everything, cartwheels, do the splits. Really not a fan of anyone’s underwear being on show.

It seems to be making him miserable, like he needs to keep an eye on her. God. We're both pretty stressed out atm due to various life things, so that's not helping.

I just can't quite get my head round the 'men aware of how other men think' thing.

No, but do you go for a family day out and tell your wife that men are looking at your 4 yr old? To the park or the zoo or a restaurant? There are men everywhere looking at all sorts.

Maybe my DH is particularly oblivious or thick. I am not accusing OP's DH of anything but extreme anxiety, to be clear.

i always give my daughter a pair of shorts to put under a dress just because she’s constantly doing handstands etc and why not if she’s comfy in shorts anyway just kind of makes sense to me. I sometimes put shorts under mine though especially if it’s a windy day out lol

Well this confirms it. Life shouldn't be about constantly thinking about pedophiles.

I am also not accusing or suspecting poor dh of anything, and I haven't meant to imply that.

Well if children are going to be running around doing cartwheels and hanging from monkey bars why put them in dresses just stick shorts on rather than all this paranoia.

Perhaps the posters paranoid about paedophiles around every corner would like to research the statistics and they’d find children are more likely to be sexually abused by someone in the family / friendship circle rather than some a you meet on a ferry. ( much less comfortable isn’t it to think it’s someone YOU might have brought into their life? )

My daughters always wore bicycle shorts or similar- I know it’s hugely divisive on mn. For me they were free to run, jump, do 100’s of cartwheels all day without thinking about it. Just like boys do.

what do you do about the paedos? I don’t know. You do what you can. You teach your kids about correct touching etc, to go to a woman if they are lost, that good grown men don’t ask children for “help” etc.

I don’t know your H but unlike so many here I don’t think him raising this is a sign he’s a bad one or cause for concern. I think he is alert.

there is massive amounts of child sexual abuse, consumption of child abuse images, online networks etc. those that get caught, arrested are the tip of a gigantic iceberg & many judges let the “poor man off as he life might be ruined” so effectively the state gives them a wee slap in the hand & lets them go. Every day this is reported in uk.

Like rape, CSA is effectively treated by government, police, CPS & courts more like a men’s right than a crime.

NRTFT but I buy these for under DC dresses. They’re still pants so I’m not telling them to wear shorts or why, but they also won’t flash anyone sat on the carpet, playing, etc

https://www.next.co.uk/style/su404883/aa7989

In this day and age? When there are pedophiles filling up every ferry booking? OK.

paranoia? Oh please.

The reason there is so much CSA in families is about access. They are the children they can easily access.

those abusers who assault the children in their homes also catch ferries.

the greatest risk to children is a step father.

Good point about most sexual abuse being committed by someone in the family.

You don’t need a ferry full. Just one.

It's a sad world we live in to even have to think about this. But I think girls wearing shorts under a skirt isn't a bad thing because they can play and muck about without worrying if their pants end up on show. I don't even mean in a weird sexual way, more so for dignity and comfortably of all.

Having said that, it does seem a bit extreme on a ferry because it's not like she's climbing in a park or doing handstands!

If there was an emergency & you had to ask a neighbour to look after your daughter for an hour, would you feel happier leaving her with a female neighbour or a male neighbour?

I see where he’s coming from to be honest. I do appreciate maybe he’s worded things a bit extreme, and I get you don’t want to live life paranoid. But there is just so much wrongdoing out there, and it’s best to protect children any way possible. Tbf I wear shorts under my dresses anyway just in case my dress did ever go up and if I had a daughter I would defo put shorts under hers too.