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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To want former foster son to move in?

122 replies

Chlorldry · 22/08/2025 21:44

This may be a long one.

I used to be a foster carer, I fostered a boy let's call him “B” from aged 7-11. He then went back to his mums, when his social worker came to pick him up he begged and pleaded with them to let him stay, he hit the social worker and got so upset. It's really stuck with me because I'd never seen that kind of reaction prior to this or after.

Fast forward to a few months ago and B found me on social media and messaged me, I replied and we met up and he told me he'd been to prison for ABH, he was under the influence of drugs at the time. he was sentenced to 5 years and he served 2.5. He was sent to a youth offenders not actual prison due to his age. He's now 20. He said when he went back to his mums things eventually went back to how things were when social services stopped being as closely involved. There was issues with addiction and DV between her and her partner.

He said he left and moved in with someone he thought was a friend but things spiralled and got out of hand. He was released on license and has a tag, a curfew, random drug tests and isn't allowed in that area. He's living in a hostel which is an approved premises. He told me he had no visitors in prison which broke my heart tbh.

I see him once a week on a Friday and we go for dinner etc, just so he has someone looking out for him and I do care about him. He looked rough today, he looked exhausted and pale. I noticed his fingers looked really sore too as if he’d been picking them. He mentioned about the hostel which he's talked about a few times about how it's loud etc with people kicking off, he said last night they thought someone had a weapon and ended up searching them all and after he felt unsafe. He's spoken to his probation officer before and they couldn't do anything as there was no where else for him to go but reassured him he is safe. Though he's told me drugs aren't allowed and he's seen people with drugs, the staff just don't know and he wouldn't tell on them as then he will be in danger.

When he had to go back there I hugged him and he sort of clung on for ages and I could tell he didn't want to go back but he knew he had to. Now I feel awful, I guess I still see that small child and want to keep him safe.

I was thinking of saying he can move in here. There's no small children, just my DS(17) I adopted and they did meet and live together for about 3 months before B went back to his parents. My only worry is B might feel a bit jealous, I'm not sure that's the right word but I adopted DS but B went back and experienced more trauma. My DP(I don't live with him but he sleeps here 4/5 nights out of 7) has said I shouldn't because he's a criminal and ill regret him living here as he'll steal from he etc, he didn't think I should see him at all.
I don't think he has to be at the hostel, he just has no where else to go so realistically he could live here but I don't know it's a good idea.

I just hate the thought of him being alone and feeling unsafe, also what he said re the other men having drugs, what if he gets tempted and starts using again and then tests positive on the random drug test

AIBU? If I don't reply I'm not disappearing, I'm reading the comments and will likely reply in the morning

OP posts:
MessEveryWhere · 22/08/2025 21:54

I think you need to ask to meet with his probation officer, and discuss it with them. As your son is under 18 they will probably have to refer to social services as a safeguarding risk. So this could cause problems for you.

Arrange to meet with his probation officer, and discuss how you can support him. They can assess risk, and advise. If he moves in and it breaks down, he will have made himself homeless by leaving the hostel.

Ilovelurchers · 22/08/2025 21:55

I think a lot of people will advise you not to but I think it would be wonderful if you did this, on a trial basis, with some agreed ground rules etc. And you sound like a wonderful person OP!

Ilovelurchers · 22/08/2025 21:55

There is the issue of leaving his hostel place to think about tho. If it didn't work out, would he be able to return to that?

Evaka · 22/08/2025 21:57

I think you sound incredibly good hearted.

Agree with others to speak to his probation officer etc and consider any unintended consequences so that you're making a clear eyed decision.

Campingisnexttogodliness · 22/08/2025 21:59

Please take him in op. In all probability his life and him will be transformed..
I wish you both well.

myplace · 22/08/2025 22:03

Don’t rush. This is a huge decision.

I understand the impulse. I was a foster carer and still think about all the dc.

However, it looks as though it could implode your relationship and could be very difficult for your 17 yr old. Have they met recently? It would be better if he were to visit more often, maybe stay the night occasionally if his bail allows it. You could help him find better accommodation, find work.

There’s more than one way to help him.

Hillsmakeyoustrong · 22/08/2025 22:06

Has B intimated he would like you to take him in? I think you have to live by your conscience but also consider the impact on DS and DP and the fact they would also be living with him. I think they would need to be onboard as a divided house would be toxic. We took in a 16 year old girl for 5 years, as a legal guardian, and adopted our toddler twins in that time. I'd say it was hard on DH as he lost me pretty much entirely to them all. In the end the older one moved out and it was far easier (I think that was largely down to the age gap) and we bounced back but when we want to help others we do need to realise we are asking our family to also help that person.

grumpygrape · 22/08/2025 22:07

Please, whatever you do, speak to him and his probation officer together.

WhyCantISayFork · 22/08/2025 22:07

Have you asked your DS what he would think?

Is there a number of days he would be allowed to stay away from the hostel without losing his place?

Is there an amount of time he has to stay there before he would be given his own place? (eg. after six months he might be entitled to a council flat)

I can definitely understand why you would want to help. I don’t see why your DP would assume he would steal from you, when it doesn’t sound like has a history of stealing.

PerkyGreenCat · 22/08/2025 22:11

Ooh I wouldn't do that, OP. If him and your son don't get on or if it doesn't work out, it could affect your relationship with him forever.

Instead, carry on seeing him weekly. Support him as best as you can. Attend his probation meetings if he wants you to. Help him with job/college applications. Knowing you're there for him will make the world of difference.

savethatkitty · 22/08/2025 22:15

Your intentions are well meant but I'm not sure you are the right person to care for this boy. He needs professional help.

okydokethen · 22/08/2025 22:17

You’ll have your heart broken and possibly your house broken.
I completely get why you want to help and that you care about him but that trauma will likely make him push boundaries and push you away, he might be 20 but he may well present much younger.
im not sure it’s fair on your DS and you’re right all those emotions he felt at 11 will come back strong.

I would continue to see him weekly, maybe start inviting him to yours for something and potentially you could build up to letting him move in if you really want but I think perhaps you’re trying to save that little boy who was let down by his mum.

Barley45 · 22/08/2025 22:20

You sound like such a lovely person. Have you been doing the weekly meet ups for a few months now?

I agree with others that it’s likely to trigger a safeguarding referral for your child, albeit he’s seventeen.

I think potentially meet with his probation worker and figure out what would be most helpful. You don’t want to do anything that would mean he wasn’t eligible for further housing, but I know the hostels are awful. Could he stay a couple of nights a week? Can you help with figuring out his priorities, work etc?

Above all at this point you are a trusted person who believes in him and this means so much, even if he doesn’t live with you.

mumofoneAloneandwell · 22/08/2025 22:27

I would give it some thought and discuss it with your adoptive son

Only if he is fully on board, then i would reach out to the interested parties, agreeing potentially to a trial period

I do have a soft heart, so others i'm sure will give you more practical advice but i'm for it

Poor lad 🥺

You sound like the loveliest person, op. The impact you've had on this world is lovely xxx

JoyDivision79 · 22/08/2025 22:28

myplace · 22/08/2025 22:03

Don’t rush. This is a huge decision.

I understand the impulse. I was a foster carer and still think about all the dc.

However, it looks as though it could implode your relationship and could be very difficult for your 17 yr old. Have they met recently? It would be better if he were to visit more often, maybe stay the night occasionally if his bail allows it. You could help him find better accommodation, find work.

There’s more than one way to help him.

My immediate reaction is no. You sound so wonderful a person btw.

I agree that this could really risk your relationship long term, it could cause lots of problems. It could be fair to say he has traits that can't be loved out of him now. ( I know how cruel that is, and unfair to even say it. Yet this is life. This happens).

I like the idea that you keep seeing him, you help him find suitable accomodation. You can help him in so many ways. I know social housing availability is the big issue here. He may never get it. Private rental is awfully insecure and expensive.

I'm wondering if there's an in between option. I'm not sure what that could look like.

Id say do not rush into this. You don't entirely know the adult he has become and what might be ingrained.

MounjaroMounjaro · 22/08/2025 22:28

I'm sorry but I don't think you should have him living with you. You're right in that he won't be able to cope with the fact you adopted one boy and not him. You owe it to your adopted son not to have anyone near the family who's involved in drugs or crime in any way. I'm sure you know the risks of an adopted child being influenced by factors that were involved in the lives of their birth family.

You will in all likelihood lose your relationship if you keep going down this path. Your adopted son will lose out on that, too.

Your foster son has had a terrible time and I do really feel for him. I think you could keep in contact with him but I'd keep him away from your home and away from your adopted son. I'd see him every couple of weeks or so, take him for a meal or to do a supermarket shop (probably a better use of money) and make sure he has warm clothes, but I wouldn't have him living with me. You'd feel terrible if and when it all went belly up.

MounjaroMounjaro · 22/08/2025 22:30

I think you should look up "rescuer complex" too. It's something that is definitely found in some people - it often doesn't work out for their families.

wizzywig · 22/08/2025 22:30

There's been a few years plus a lot of water under the bridge in his young life. Hes a changed man. Just take it slowly

GrumblyHedge · 22/08/2025 22:33

It’s clear you care about him and want to stay in his life and support him. I think the best way to do that is actually to not ask him to move in with you, because if that doesn’t work out then ultimately he will be left feeling abandoned. I think you should continue the contact you have at the moment and help to support him in anyway you feel able with getting him set up for his future life, whether that’s with help accessing services, supporting him with his probation officer, and just reassuring him that you are there with him for the long run.

fourelementary · 22/08/2025 22:34

I would want to meet with the probation officer and him and explore it. But I do think that if your gut is telling you he needs you then don’t ignore it. But don’t be naive.

OnePinkDeer · 22/08/2025 22:34

I don't think it's appropriate. You haven't cared for him for 9 years. And he's got a criminal record and involved in all sorts of drugs and alcohol, and god knows what don't do that to your adopted son. It's his home too.

OnePinkDeer · 22/08/2025 22:35

If he gives up his hostel and moves in with you, you may not be able to get him back out because he's not homeless.

Hankunamatata · 22/08/2025 22:38

You need to go and talk with your son. If he isn't happy with the idea then its a no

There's nothkng stopping you supporting. Friendly text each day, meeting once a week. Helping him find work or go back to education and find somehwere better to live

You dont know if he's telling you the full story. Is he an addict? Etc

Letstheriveranswer · 22/08/2025 22:43

One thing to check: I think as he has been an at risk youth he may have priority for housing. I can't recall if that ends at 19 or 21, but while he is priority he stands a good chance of getting a council place. Make sure he wouldn't be losing that chance by leaving the hostel and moving in with you, as you know council places are like gold dust!

Newventures · 22/08/2025 22:46

I’m a social worker in child protection systems and this made me cry. So many of these young people have no good adult connecting with them in a loving way and even considering this is so meaningful. Could you start with having him at weekends, sorry if I missed something about the hostel rules.
I do think you should do this after consulting with your son but knowing it might not end how you hope. I think going to therapy even together maybe should be a requirement or him engaging with support services. I think your weekly contact however will be healing in lots of ways so if it’s doesn’t pan out please don’t feel guilty.