To want former foster son to move in?

[Chlorldry]

This may be a long one.

I used to be a foster carer, I fostered a boy let's call him “B” from aged 7-11. He then went back to his mums, when his social worker came to pick him up he begged and pleaded with them to let him stay, he hit the social worker and got so upset. It's really stuck with me because I'd never seen that kind of reaction prior to this or after.

Fast forward to a few months ago and B found me on social media and messaged me, I replied and we met up and he told me he'd been to prison for ABH, he was under the influence of drugs at the time. he was sentenced to 5 years and he served 2.5. He was sent to a youth offenders not actual prison due to his age. He's now 20. He said when he went back to his mums things eventually went back to how things were when social services stopped being as closely involved. There was issues with addiction and DV between her and her partner.

He said he left and moved in with someone he thought was a friend but things spiralled and got out of hand. He was released on license and has a tag, a curfew, random drug tests and isn't allowed in that area. He's living in a hostel which is an approved premises. He told me he had no visitors in prison which broke my heart tbh.

I see him once a week on a Friday and we go for dinner etc, just so he has someone looking out for him and I do care about him. He looked rough today, he looked exhausted and pale. I noticed his fingers looked really sore too as if he’d been picking them. He mentioned about the hostel which he's talked about a few times about how it's loud etc with people kicking off, he said last night they thought someone had a weapon and ended up searching them all and after he felt unsafe. He's spoken to his probation officer before and they couldn't do anything as there was no where else for him to go but reassured him he is safe. Though he's told me drugs aren't allowed and he's seen people with drugs, the staff just don't know and he wouldn't tell on them as then he will be in danger.

When he had to go back there I hugged him and he sort of clung on for ages and I could tell he didn't want to go back but he knew he had to. Now I feel awful, I guess I still see that small child and want to keep him safe.

I was thinking of saying he can move in here. There's no small children, just my DS(17) I adopted and they did meet and live together for about 3 months before B went back to his parents. My only worry is B might feel a bit jealous, I'm not sure that's the right word but I adopted DS but B went back and experienced more trauma. My DP(I don't live with him but he sleeps here 4/5 nights out of 7) has said I shouldn't because he's a criminal and ill regret him living here as he'll steal from he etc, he didn't think I should see him at all.
I don't think he has to be at the hostel, he just has no where else to go so realistically he could live here but I don't know it's a good idea.

I just hate the thought of him being alone and feeling unsafe, also what he said re the other men having drugs, what if he gets tempted and starts using again and then tests positive on the random drug test

AIBU? If I don't reply I'm not disappearing, I'm reading the comments and will likely reply in the morning

I’d find out about the conditions and if he stay at the hostel 24/7 ?

you could offer for him to possibly stay 1 or 2 higher a week to break it up and give him support that way? Or Come over for dinner a few nights a week and start building up.

he’s had horrible circumstances and the system failed him sending him back to an unsafe environment which led to very foreseeable outcomes. He doesn’t need to be in rotten off but you should definitely see his probation officer.

This.

explore the options, and help him get as much support from the state that he can

I agree with speaking to him probation officer.

This lad obviously respects you and sees you as a decent mother figure and wants to turn his life around and trusts you can help him do that.

Sounds like you want that too?

If it’s safe for you to do it you could be the person this young man needs in his life. You were once - no reason you can’t be again.

Steer clear.

I wouldn't take him in but I would start having him over for dinner so he can feel like he has more of a family unit. It will also give your son and him a chance to get to know each other. Speak to his probation officer and see what they suggest to.

I think you're doing a fab thing meeting him..
This alone will give bum extra security as he's clearly got an historic attachment to you!

But I'd be VERY wary about proposing him moving in... Especially with your son beibf at such a key stage of his education?

You sound like a lovely caring person.
I don’t think you should invite him to live with you as he may be on a pathway to being housed. Social housing is like hens teeth and if he sticks it out until he is, then he will be set up for life. If you take him out of that setting and it doesn’t work out he would be homeless and there is very little support for single homeless men. He wouldn’t automatically go back into a hostel and rented accommodation is near impossible to find.

You can still support him emotionally and practically. He is lucky to have someone like you in his life

I definitely wouldn't be moving him in as it'll affect your family dynamic. However absolutely you can continue to support him. Having him over for lunch on a weekend (therefore not breaking his tag curfew) will give him headspace away from the hostel. Also speak with his probation officer, see where he would sit with housing. Let him know that you are there for discussing financial things, housing things basically all the things a young man would need at this stage of your life.

This young man sees you as the only stable thing he has ever had in his life. Someone that actually cared about him. You can certainly do all of those things at arm length.

It’s your love and stability that helps him. Keep that up. You sound like an amazing person. Moving him into your house sounds like it could easily jeopardize that stability which would serve nobody well. Maintain the current equilibrium and see how things develop before you make huge decisions.

And only an angel would feel guilt for helping one lost soul more than another. Truth is you helped both as much as you could.

I think that you sound absolutely lovely, and I can completely understand the urge to scoop him up like the 11 year old he was, and take him out of danger. It’s our instinct when someone is vulnerable or in need.

But, when you look to the future, I don’t think that will be the best thing for what he needs. He currently has stability with the relationship with you and meeting weekly. He needs now to begin building an independent life where he is resilient, confident and in control - not vulnerable or needy.

What needs to happen, for his adult life, is for him to rescue himself. So when he is talking about how hard the hostel is, I think you need to be asking “what steps can you take to move out?”.

Ideally you want to see him rescuing himself.

So, in your position I’d be supporting and encouraging job hunting and flat hunting and studying and training and learning new skills. If he was in full time work he would be at the hostel less, and much less at risk of relapse with the drugs. Plus he would have the satisfaction of knowing he’d done that himself.

I think I would look at other steps other than moving him straight in.

Could you do a family day out, bowling, meals, cinema and spend an increasing amount of time together to see how it goes without any mention of living together. If your DS is 17 and doing his a levels he might not want drastic changes to his living accommodation.

Are there other ways you could help this young man? Getting his CV done and help him find a job, access further studies to improve his career. Possibly do a sport so he can have something to destress.

Depending on finances, could you help with a deposit for a rental in case he ends up needing that and he has a job to pay the bills.

When your DS and him have spent some more quality time together it doesn’t stop you rethinking about him moving in. But to me it seems like a giant leap at the moment for your DS

This

I think he has better prospect of social housing if he stays where he is

And better to offer lower level of support long term than he moves in, it doesn't work out and he's worse off than he started

Absolutely not OP. You have an adopted child whose safety and wellbeing trumps this adult male's.
If maintaining contact, you can support him,to get all the professional help possible,and be a positive influence.
Maintain clear boundaries - he, and your family, and their home, and family time, should be kept seperate,for everyone's sake. Most especially your son's.

You sound wonderful and are making a real difference to this young man. It might be difficult when he moves in but as long as you have clear guidelines as to what you expect from an adult living with you (this is likely different from when he was a child) and how he might progress to his own place then I think it’s worth it as it could transform his life.

I think your priority needs to be your 17 year old and I wouldn't bring a man with history of violence and drugs into the home like this. It sounds wonderful if you are able to support him in other ways though.

As a fellow adopter, I'd say be very cautious. Your own DS is your priority and if he is anything like my adopted children, he is at a vulnerable and difficult age at 17 - about to enter adult life but not as a fully equipped young adult. He will need all the support he can get and I imagine would potentially massively resent and be destabilised by this young man moving in.

What you are already doing is wonderful - giving him someone who cares and takes an interest. Moving in is a massive step. Talking to his probation officer, if possible, would be worth trying but perhaps there are other ways you can support without taking such a drastic step that will affect you, your son and partner in ways you just won't know.

Could you maybe have him staying at yours for the odd weekend? You can then get a good idea of how things will be if he’s there with you full time.

OP how heartbreaking for you all.

Do you feel a bit responsible that he went back to his parents? I am just wondering if your desire to have him live with you is centered around that rather than anything else? I think it’s worth considering as although I’d understand, that alone is probably not a great reason to have him live with you.

I’d also be conscious that he might have been economical with the truth re his offending so definitely speak to the probation officer and get an overview of his offending.

I have an enormous amount of empathy for him but addicts rarely stay on the straight and narrow for long and mixed in with his trauma he might be volatile in your home.

I’m assuming this wouldn’t be possible because of the tag, for the same reason he can’t sleep over.

Maybe though if discussed with probation worker something could be worked out?

I haven’t RTFT as I’m on my way out but as a care leaver with nowhere to go, he should be a priority for social housing. Is he registered with the local authority and bidding on properties? I would help him with this.

I understand you wanting to take him in, but I think helping him secure housing and keeping a relationship would be the better option.

i would be a shoulder for him to cry on,
not certain about moving in as you have another <<adopted>> child
but keep meeting him regularly

I think you sound wonderful .It's heartbreaking how many youngsters lose their way .I would think long and hard though . Maybe meet with his probation officer privately first

This.