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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To want former foster son to move in?

122 replies

Chlorldry · 22/08/2025 21:44

This may be a long one.

I used to be a foster carer, I fostered a boy let's call him “B” from aged 7-11. He then went back to his mums, when his social worker came to pick him up he begged and pleaded with them to let him stay, he hit the social worker and got so upset. It's really stuck with me because I'd never seen that kind of reaction prior to this or after.

Fast forward to a few months ago and B found me on social media and messaged me, I replied and we met up and he told me he'd been to prison for ABH, he was under the influence of drugs at the time. he was sentenced to 5 years and he served 2.5. He was sent to a youth offenders not actual prison due to his age. He's now 20. He said when he went back to his mums things eventually went back to how things were when social services stopped being as closely involved. There was issues with addiction and DV between her and her partner.

He said he left and moved in with someone he thought was a friend but things spiralled and got out of hand. He was released on license and has a tag, a curfew, random drug tests and isn't allowed in that area. He's living in a hostel which is an approved premises. He told me he had no visitors in prison which broke my heart tbh.

I see him once a week on a Friday and we go for dinner etc, just so he has someone looking out for him and I do care about him. He looked rough today, he looked exhausted and pale. I noticed his fingers looked really sore too as if he’d been picking them. He mentioned about the hostel which he's talked about a few times about how it's loud etc with people kicking off, he said last night they thought someone had a weapon and ended up searching them all and after he felt unsafe. He's spoken to his probation officer before and they couldn't do anything as there was no where else for him to go but reassured him he is safe. Though he's told me drugs aren't allowed and he's seen people with drugs, the staff just don't know and he wouldn't tell on them as then he will be in danger.

When he had to go back there I hugged him and he sort of clung on for ages and I could tell he didn't want to go back but he knew he had to. Now I feel awful, I guess I still see that small child and want to keep him safe.

I was thinking of saying he can move in here. There's no small children, just my DS(17) I adopted and they did meet and live together for about 3 months before B went back to his parents. My only worry is B might feel a bit jealous, I'm not sure that's the right word but I adopted DS but B went back and experienced more trauma. My DP(I don't live with him but he sleeps here 4/5 nights out of 7) has said I shouldn't because he's a criminal and ill regret him living here as he'll steal from he etc, he didn't think I should see him at all.
I don't think he has to be at the hostel, he just has no where else to go so realistically he could live here but I don't know it's a good idea.

I just hate the thought of him being alone and feeling unsafe, also what he said re the other men having drugs, what if he gets tempted and starts using again and then tests positive on the random drug test

AIBU? If I don't reply I'm not disappearing, I'm reading the comments and will likely reply in the morning

OP posts:
Original poster
Chlorldry · 22/08/2025 22:47

He hasn't asked to move in but I don't think he would. I don't think he was even hinting at it, he was just telling me about the hostel and a few weeks ago I advised him to talk to his probation officer which he did but they didn't help. I have offered to go with him but he says its fine, they can't place him anywhere else so he’ll make do. But then he was telling me today about the potential weapon that someone had and now I'm worried for him again as he said he feels unsafe and I don't think he's saying it out of pity I genuinely believe he is anxious especially because it looks like he's picked the skin off of his fingers.

I have been meeting him weekly for a few months and we have dinner and a chat and I have taken DS along once and they did seem to get along they were just chatting among themselves, I do realise one meal is very different to living together and yes I'll need to speak to DS first, I was just posting after what DP said. I thought I'd tone totally mad

He can't sleep over unfortunately due to the tag and him needing to be where the box is. My DS is probably about the same as B was when he went to prison and it puts it into perspective because yes he’s 17 but he's still so young and I couldn't imagine him in that situation, he has a good group of friends and is sitting his A levels next year but sadly B never really had those chances. I'm also worried about the drugs as I do believe when he says that they are in the hostel even though technically they aren't allowed and there's drug tests, I think he's done a drug programme but I worry he'll start using again even if he doesn't want to, if one of them offer to Him and he's already feeling unsafe I doubt that he'd say no and then he'd get a positive result on the drug test and then he'd be back where he started

OP posts:
FuzzyWolf · 22/08/2025 22:55

I think you sound wonderful and incredibly caring. However, your DS is still a child and he needs to be prioritised.

Why don’t you increase the meet ups with your foster son so that he has more time to spend with you and have some relative normality. I assume he can still visit at your house, even if he can’t stay the night, so why don’t you have him round on a regular basis in the daytime.

Teanandtoast · 22/08/2025 22:56

You are a wonderful person. I agree with pp about speaking to probation officer. Could you start by inviting him round for tea at yours? Then if it goes well build up to inviting him to stay over one Friday night and slowly build up to asking if he'd like to move in, if all steps have gone well, and your family are happy and supportive. By turn spending time together it'd build a bond, and even if he doesn't end up moving in, it may help him feel like he's got a home to anchor onto, like a adult going to their mum's house xx

Agapornis · 22/08/2025 23:17

Is he working? Has he saved up enough to go into a house share? You can be a parental support figure without necessarily moving him in.

Do talk to his probation officer about the best way to support him. You could look at mentoring programmes so you're not the only person he has.

Someone2025 · 22/08/2025 23:23

Chlorldry · 22/08/2025 21:44

This may be a long one.

I used to be a foster carer, I fostered a boy let's call him “B” from aged 7-11. He then went back to his mums, when his social worker came to pick him up he begged and pleaded with them to let him stay, he hit the social worker and got so upset. It's really stuck with me because I'd never seen that kind of reaction prior to this or after.

Fast forward to a few months ago and B found me on social media and messaged me, I replied and we met up and he told me he'd been to prison for ABH, he was under the influence of drugs at the time. he was sentenced to 5 years and he served 2.5. He was sent to a youth offenders not actual prison due to his age. He's now 20. He said when he went back to his mums things eventually went back to how things were when social services stopped being as closely involved. There was issues with addiction and DV between her and her partner.

He said he left and moved in with someone he thought was a friend but things spiralled and got out of hand. He was released on license and has a tag, a curfew, random drug tests and isn't allowed in that area. He's living in a hostel which is an approved premises. He told me he had no visitors in prison which broke my heart tbh.

I see him once a week on a Friday and we go for dinner etc, just so he has someone looking out for him and I do care about him. He looked rough today, he looked exhausted and pale. I noticed his fingers looked really sore too as if he’d been picking them. He mentioned about the hostel which he's talked about a few times about how it's loud etc with people kicking off, he said last night they thought someone had a weapon and ended up searching them all and after he felt unsafe. He's spoken to his probation officer before and they couldn't do anything as there was no where else for him to go but reassured him he is safe. Though he's told me drugs aren't allowed and he's seen people with drugs, the staff just don't know and he wouldn't tell on them as then he will be in danger.

When he had to go back there I hugged him and he sort of clung on for ages and I could tell he didn't want to go back but he knew he had to. Now I feel awful, I guess I still see that small child and want to keep him safe.

I was thinking of saying he can move in here. There's no small children, just my DS(17) I adopted and they did meet and live together for about 3 months before B went back to his parents. My only worry is B might feel a bit jealous, I'm not sure that's the right word but I adopted DS but B went back and experienced more trauma. My DP(I don't live with him but he sleeps here 4/5 nights out of 7) has said I shouldn't because he's a criminal and ill regret him living here as he'll steal from he etc, he didn't think I should see him at all.
I don't think he has to be at the hostel, he just has no where else to go so realistically he could live here but I don't know it's a good idea.

I just hate the thought of him being alone and feeling unsafe, also what he said re the other men having drugs, what if he gets tempted and starts using again and then tests positive on the random drug test

AIBU? If I don't reply I'm not disappearing, I'm reading the comments and will likely reply in the morning

Does he work? Has he any skills / qualifications, how is he finding himself at the moment?

Wibblywobblybobbly · 22/08/2025 23:44

I would take him in. You have the chance to break the cycle for him. It sounds like you're the only person that ever really cared for him properly.

Yes, there's a chance it won't work out and you'll have to ask him to leave. But there's also a chance that he will completely turn his life around because of the support you can give.

Something that someone said to me once has really stuck with me. When we read in the press about Baby P etc we are all horrified and rightfully think something should have been done for the poor child. The thing is, there are tens of thousands of children in a similar situation, but they survive. They grow up in unstable homes, witness awful things, don't have good role models and don't have the support we all need to flourish. They are traumatised and damaged. So then they often end up getting into trouble, going to prison and their life just spirals. As a society we then shun them as they're not cute babies anymore, they're grown criminals. But inside they are that poor child still and they never stood a chance. We as a society failed to protect them, and they are a product of that.

Now, it's one thing to take a stranger in off the back of all of that. I don't think I could do that. But you know this boy, he lived with you for years. He clearly feels a connection to you. You sounf like the closest thing he had to a proper mother. You could give him the chance to turn his life around.

Maybe I'm too idealistic, but if I were you I'd have to try.

OnePinkDeer · 22/08/2025 23:47

Wibblywobblybobbly · 22/08/2025 23:44

I would take him in. You have the chance to break the cycle for him. It sounds like you're the only person that ever really cared for him properly.

Yes, there's a chance it won't work out and you'll have to ask him to leave. But there's also a chance that he will completely turn his life around because of the support you can give.

Something that someone said to me once has really stuck with me. When we read in the press about Baby P etc we are all horrified and rightfully think something should have been done for the poor child. The thing is, there are tens of thousands of children in a similar situation, but they survive. They grow up in unstable homes, witness awful things, don't have good role models and don't have the support we all need to flourish. They are traumatised and damaged. So then they often end up getting into trouble, going to prison and their life just spirals. As a society we then shun them as they're not cute babies anymore, they're grown criminals. But inside they are that poor child still and they never stood a chance. We as a society failed to protect them, and they are a product of that.

Now, it's one thing to take a stranger in off the back of all of that. I don't think I could do that. But you know this boy, he lived with you for years. He clearly feels a connection to you. You sounf like the closest thing he had to a proper mother. You could give him the chance to turn his life around.

Maybe I'm too idealistic, but if I were you I'd have to try.

Right? And if her adopted son doesn't like it feels unsafe, gets resentful, or gets drawn into drugs himself, would you still feel that way?

Ladamesansmerci · 22/08/2025 23:49

You are lovely OP and I really feel for this young boy. But don't do it. Your own son is still a child, and he needs to be your priority. It has the potential to go very wrong and you don't want to derail the life of your DS. Help him as much as you can without moving him in.

Wibblywobblybobbly · 22/08/2025 23:52

OnePinkDeer · 22/08/2025 23:47

Right? And if her adopted son doesn't like it feels unsafe, gets resentful, or gets drawn into drugs himself, would you still feel that way?

Show quote history

Well clearly she wouldn't do it if her son wasn't supportive of the idea. The son sounds like a good lad, he's not going to get influenced into becoming a criminal overnight. If I were the OP, I'd set clear boundaries, keep a close eye on the situation and take action if necessary, but if my son was on board I would try.

I say this as someone who has successfully welcomed a number of strangers with difficult circumstances into their home, albeit in different circumstances.

swingingbytheseat · 22/08/2025 23:59

I can see how the parenting instinct wants to take over, he does sound like he feels very small inside. I think having you in his life will make a massive difference, I would take it slow like others have said, rey one night per week. It sounds like a very beautiful relationship you have with him ❤️

Libertybellz · 23/08/2025 00:05

I really hope you invite him back. He needs you

wodehousefan · 23/08/2025 00:09

As already mentioned, B's circumstances mean he should have high priority for being housed in a council flat or other appropriate housing. Inviting him to stay will jeopardise this and possibly undermine his best route to a stable, independent life. Instead, try to encourage and facilitate B's entry until a college course or other learning opportunities to keep him busy and give him a direction and something to be proud about. There's loads you can to help him navigate the benefits and housing systems and it's wonderful you're willing to give him your time and care.

ANiceBigCupOfTea · 23/08/2025 00:11

Good God OP you sound like an amazing person.

I'd speak with his probation officer/social worker and make sure it's the right thing to do. I'm a big believer that people won't get redemption if we don't give them the chance to be redeemed but you need to think about your boy at home as well.

I hope it all works out.

Obeseandashamed · 23/08/2025 00:14

I wouldn’t as there’s a risk to your youngest. However, you can usually sleep out from your hostel for 2-3 nights per week so perhaps do this instead and see how it goes!

Corfumanchu · 23/08/2025 00:43

5 years is a hefty sentence for a teenager's first offence - it must have been pretty nasty. I dont know how to say this nicely but you are putting your your naive desire to be a saviour to this man, in front if your duty to your minor son. Tbis man has form for violence and drugs, he is at best a terrible influence and at worst a significant threat to your son who having previously been in care is by definition vulnerable.

sunights · 23/08/2025 01:13

If he is living in an approved premises he cant move or sleep elsewhere even just for one night without permission.

You need to ask him to speak to his probation officer again and to tell them he gives his permission for you to talk with them.

Probation officers for under 25yos often liase with parents. And they will be happy to talk to you and advise how you can help him.

Lurkingandlearning · 23/08/2025 02:04

I understand your concern that he might be tempted to start taking drugs again while he is living at the hostel as they are readily available. But although, if he moved in with you, there wouldn't be drugs in your home if he is susceptible to temptation drugs are incredibly easy to obtain.

It could be that living in your home with your love and support, even having your son as an example, might deter him from going down that road again. But if it didn't and he starts using again you will have invited a world of pain into your home. You might find yourself in the position of having to tell him to leave. I think, as caring as you are, that would be much harder on you than the current worries you have.

As good an example as your son might be their lives are going to be very different because B hasn't had the same nurturing background and education but mainly because he now has a criminal record which will affect his work opportunities. Living side by side with your son will highlight that daily. I think it would take a lot of maturity and stoicism to not feel any resentment at all.

In your shoes I would continue to support him any way I could to start an independent life, but I wouldn't ask him to move in.

AnotherNameChange1234567 · 23/08/2025 02:08

5 years for ABH as an adult is almost unheard of, let alone for a juvenile. I would look to clarify exactly what he did before you make a final decision.

VeryStressedMum · 23/08/2025 02:18

Isn’t 5 years the maximum sentence for ABH? It must have been very serious indeed for a juvenile to get that sentence , maybe it wasn’t the first conviction?
You don’t know this man. You knew him as a young boy but you don’t know him now and a lot has happened in between.
By all means help him if you can but I wouldn’t take him into your home you have your son to think about.

Purpleknickers · 23/08/2025 02:35

I would urge caution, I learnt the hard way that no good deed goes unpunished. I let a young person live with me temporarily, I had know him for a good few years and had always found him to be polite and no bother. He had become homeless.

After about 4 nights, he asked if his girlfriend could stay over for one night. That one night turned into 2 weeks, they totally took my lovely home. Things got trashed and my home quickly turned onto a dirty untidy hovel.

I worked and couldn’t keep an eye on the place 24/7. I went away for a weekend and got back to a 3rd person staying on my sofa. Neighbours complaining about cannabis smoke coming out of my windows and noise complaints.
It all became ugly and I ended up moving out of my own property until I could get them out 4 months later.

I was only trying to be kind and it all went very very wrong. So please be very careful.

OwlBeThere · 23/08/2025 02:46

I grew up in foster homes, this boys story sounds pretty similar to mine in many ways, tho I didn’t go to jail.
The fact you care about him is very clear and I think it’s great you want to help him, you just need to do it in a calm well thought out fashion.
rhe very first order of business before you do anything at all is to discuss it with your son, tell him you’d had a thought about it, but that he comes first and if he has any reservations it won’t happen. Don’t pressure him, just give him facts and ask what he thinks. If he says yes, then I would speak to social services about it. See what they think.
I wish someone had looked I it for me this way, and even if you decide not to have him move in, they fact you are showing him kindness is massive.

ThorsRaven · 23/08/2025 02:49

WhyCantISayFork · 22/08/2025 22:07

Have you asked your DS what he would think?

Is there a number of days he would be allowed to stay away from the hostel without losing his place?

Is there an amount of time he has to stay there before he would be given his own place? (eg. after six months he might be entitled to a council flat)

I can definitely understand why you would want to help. I don’t see why your DP would assume he would steal from you, when it doesn’t sound like has a history of stealing.

He's on an early release scheme from prison - he's tagged and has a curfew. He has to be at his registered address during his curfew hours.

He can't spend the night anywhere else - if he doesn't abide by his curfew (by going for sleep overs), he won't 'lose his place' at the hostel, he'll be sent back to prison in breach of his early release conditions.

BetweenTwoFerns · 23/08/2025 07:26

I think you would be putting him in a vulnerable position. If he falls out with any of the three people in your home he’s screwed. So he is going to have to be constantly being his very best self.

There must be other ways of helping him. Having him over more, helping him with his career prospects, being there for him when he needs help, taking him places, giving him the deposit for a flat.

You can provide stability for him without him moving in.

MKDex · 23/08/2025 07:28

Those sores on his fingers could be from drug use

MKDex · 23/08/2025 07:29

Don't do this. Continue giving him support by meeting with him. But dont move him in. He's 20.