To want former foster son to move in?

[Chlorldry]

This may be a long one.

I used to be a foster carer, I fostered a boy let's call him “B” from aged 7-11. He then went back to his mums, when his social worker came to pick him up he begged and pleaded with them to let him stay, he hit the social worker and got so upset. It's really stuck with me because I'd never seen that kind of reaction prior to this or after.

Fast forward to a few months ago and B found me on social media and messaged me, I replied and we met up and he told me he'd been to prison for ABH, he was under the influence of drugs at the time. he was sentenced to 5 years and he served 2.5. He was sent to a youth offenders not actual prison due to his age. He's now 20. He said when he went back to his mums things eventually went back to how things were when social services stopped being as closely involved. There was issues with addiction and DV between her and her partner.

He said he left and moved in with someone he thought was a friend but things spiralled and got out of hand. He was released on license and has a tag, a curfew, random drug tests and isn't allowed in that area. He's living in a hostel which is an approved premises. He told me he had no visitors in prison which broke my heart tbh.

I see him once a week on a Friday and we go for dinner etc, just so he has someone looking out for him and I do care about him. He looked rough today, he looked exhausted and pale. I noticed his fingers looked really sore too as if he’d been picking them. He mentioned about the hostel which he's talked about a few times about how it's loud etc with people kicking off, he said last night they thought someone had a weapon and ended up searching them all and after he felt unsafe. He's spoken to his probation officer before and they couldn't do anything as there was no where else for him to go but reassured him he is safe. Though he's told me drugs aren't allowed and he's seen people with drugs, the staff just don't know and he wouldn't tell on them as then he will be in danger.

When he had to go back there I hugged him and he sort of clung on for ages and I could tell he didn't want to go back but he knew he had to. Now I feel awful, I guess I still see that small child and want to keep him safe.

I was thinking of saying he can move in here. There's no small children, just my DS(17) I adopted and they did meet and live together for about 3 months before B went back to his parents. My only worry is B might feel a bit jealous, I'm not sure that's the right word but I adopted DS but B went back and experienced more trauma. My DP(I don't live with him but he sleeps here 4/5 nights out of 7) has said I shouldn't because he's a criminal and ill regret him living here as he'll steal from he etc, he didn't think I should see him at all.
I don't think he has to be at the hostel, he just has no where else to go so realistically he could live here but I don't know it's a good idea.

I just hate the thought of him being alone and feeling unsafe, also what he said re the other men having drugs, what if he gets tempted and starts using again and then tests positive on the random drug test

AIBU? If I don't reply I'm not disappearing, I'm reading the comments and will likely reply in the morning

This, I would help him by advocating for him to get housed, and helping him settle and get on the straight and narrow.

Do not offer to house him, do not even suggest to social services that you could house him, as at the moment he stands an excellent chance of getting long term council housing. Long term housing is the best chance people have to be settled and make a good life without the constant stress and cost of moving from one private rental to another.

I just checked and the cut off for at risk youth getting council housing is 21, after that he will be on his own.

But you can help him by having him over for Sunday lunch and guiding him etc and just being there for him.

Your duty of care is to your son. He is a minor and as an adoptee, probably has a traumatic early start to life. If you move this young man into your home, you could be exposing your son to drugs and violence.

Keep on meeting with him and supporting that way. It would be good to meet with his probation officer anyway, so you can push for anything he might be able to get. Perhaps also try the Timpson foundation, as they help ex offenders find employment.

You obviously care for him very much.

I would speak with his probation officer (without him there). Initially it might be an idea for him to come 1 or 2 nights just to give him a break from the hostel and to see how you, son, partner feel.

Do not jump in with both feet as it could be a disaster all round.

Good luck, I hope it works out.

This is excellent advice. If you want to meet him, do it away from your home. Decide now what kind of support you are willing to give him, and how much, before there's any emotional involvement.
Do you get any support from groups for foster parents? There are a few on Facebook.

I will continue seeing him weekly, about the sentence I don't know what he did I just know it was ABH and he was under the influence of drugs so that probably affected the sentence. It wasn't his first offence but it was his first offence that sent him to prison

To a poster suggesting the sores on his fingers are due to drug use I don't think they are, he was picking at them whilst with me. I don't think he even realised what he was doing

As said above, he can't stay overnight due to his tag and curfew. I know even if he was living with me he could get into drugs anyway I'm not naive, but he is around drugs and other ex offenders at the hostel and I don't think it is a good environment for someone vulnerable and that's had a issues with drugs and he was upfront about that but I believe he isn't on them now especially with the random drug tests he's having and he's said he doesn't want to be and I think if he did he would be back on them regardless.

I will talk to his probation officer with him, he has weekly meetings with them. That's a good point about the council although housing is so few and far between so I think he'll be waiting a while, possible year's as even though he's vulnerable they can't give him a house if they don't have any and the town his hostel is in is quite a deprived area so it will be very limited.

He is looking for a job but he's struggling to find one atm, he did sit maths and English GCSEs while in prison, he scraped a pass in maths but failed english but he is dyslexic so he does struggle massively with reading and writing etc. I've suggested maybe a functional skills course could be better as most jobs want maths and English at least. He doesn't have a full career plan yet as he's unsure whether he can do what he wanted to do now he's got a criminal record.

https://www.timpson-group.co.uk/about/timpson-foundation/

This may be of use of you have a Timpson near you. I’ve heard excellent things about their programme.

Just wanted to add, the probation officer will need written consent from your foster son to communicate with you

OP is he registered with the local authority and bidding on properties?

As a care leaver, he will be a priority for social housing. He should have a leaving care team until the age of 25. Have you contacted them?

The best thing you can to do support him is get him into long term, secure accommodation.

I feel so sorry for that young man. He is still young and I really hope you can find support for him. The poster’s suggestion on Timpson foundation I think is great. Aside from housing he needs support in finding a job and purpose in life.

What about jobs like lorry driving? There’s a huge shortage of drivers and I understand haulage companies dont tend to be concerned with criminal records.

OP I think the fact someone has his back will make a huge difference even if his future is uncertain.

Would he still be classed as a care leaver if he went back to his mum after foster care? Sorry if I have missed something

I think perhaps wait until your adopted son is 18 and perhaps it might save a few extra safeguarding checks.

I love where your heart is, right where it should be and this lad is probably feeling rather sad thinking if only I'd stayed with them..but unfortunately it was out of his hands.

You can still be his guiding light and his source of strength to want to get away from that lifestyle and start again.

It's him who needs to want it enough though to change. He needs to hate where he is enough to want to change.

For now, stand on the sidelines keep his spirit up, showing how much you believe in him. That's what ne needs right now, someone he can talk to about anything and everything who will not judge him.

What will help him most is supporting him to find his own feet, to financially support himself and help get his own roof over his head.

It's so lovely he has you. X

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Gosh what a complex and heartbreaking thread. Have nothing of revelance or experience I can add but just wanted to say what a lovely person you are and I hope your ex foster son is able to turn his life around.

I think he sounds like someone who wants to turn his life around. If you did this, have very strict rules and if he breaks them he needs to be aware that would be the end of it and he’d be out. This could be the making of him.

I mean, blending of families with step children never works very well.The amount of threads on here, say it all. And that's just where there's been a divorce and no violence on either side.

But throwing together, 2 young men who have been through a lot it's just expected to work?

One has only a few months until he's eighteen, so he's actually still a child. But he's adopted, so legally he's her son. He comes first middle and last.

You think moving a random 20 year old with a criminal record and a history of drug use into the house is going to go well? They are complete strangers.They don't know each other.

What if he's involved in county lines or something and it starts coming through her door. He's got a criminal record for assault.For christ's sake, don't move him into your home with a 17 yo adopted son.

I believe the question is more along the lines of ‘have you ever been a looked after child’, but I could be wrong.

It’s been a long time since I worked with children in the care system and helped them bid on properties so it might have changed.

Thinking widely away from the thread but OP how would he also feel about doing voluntary work during the day to get him out of the hostel? I know he wouldn't be able to work with children and vulnerable adults as he'd be barred on his DBS I'd imagine. However I wonder if something like Mens shed might give him some focus and enough self confidence to stay away from relapsing?

He said he left and moved in with someone he thought was a friend but things spiralled and got out of hand.

What does this mean? Is this when he assaulted someone? OP that could be you.

He is volatile and aggressive. He is or has been associated with drug use and dealers. You really don't want to bring all that into your home.

Help him in practical ways, support him emotionally but don't take him in. Help him to eventually secure a job and a place of his own where he can be safe. See if he is able to maintain that over several years, stay away from drugs and hold down a job.

If you take him in there will be no incentive for him to help himself and, let's face it, he is probably more likely to use. Which, in turn, could lead to more violence (possibly against you). Keep yourself safe.

I do wonder why he suddenly got in touch with her.Seeing as he d been thrown out of his home done jail time and probably burnt his bridges with everybody he knew.

Just move a complete stranger. You haven't seen since he was 11 and have no idea who hears or what he's like into your home with another child from a difficult background.

Sometimes I wonder if common sense goes out the window. He's a dangerous young man.He's been involved in drugs and capable of assault.

Yes, he left his mums and moved in with an older boy/man I guess? He thought of him as a friend but then he got him into drugs everydayand then the assault happened. I don't think it was county lines but it could've progressed to that if the assault didn't happen when it did. He's not allowed to go to a certain area and he's no longer involved in drugs so certainly not county lines as a poster said. He knows he'll go break to prison if he breaks the license conditions and he doesn't want that.

I think volunteering could work for now to give him something to focus on and away from the hostel. He meets me and his probation officer but that's the only time he's away from it. It might be hard to find as even charity shops need a DBS check.

@TheSummerof25he does want to be a HGV driver but he was told he couldn't due to having a criminal record and it being a violent crime, something about not being fit to drive a lorry or something I'm unsure. He doesn't have a license to drive a car yet though so he'll have to work at that first and pass his test

I think it’s worth checking what support he is entitled to as a care leaver. It sounds like he should qualify based on the years he lived with you, but if he’s not left care as an eighteen year old he might not know about it.

You knew a child, he is now a man. Regular meetings for lunch dont give you any idea how he would behave in your home. Dont risk him being a bad influence on your son. Find out from his probation officer exactly what he did.

You can provide a lot of support for him without having him live with you. Be an advocate for him, especially on housing. If you can afford it and there is a way to manage it while he has a tag then pay for driving lessons.

You're also underestimating just how much drug users lie.