To want former foster son to move in?

[Chlorldry]

This may be a long one.

I used to be a foster carer, I fostered a boy let's call him “B” from aged 7-11. He then went back to his mums, when his social worker came to pick him up he begged and pleaded with them to let him stay, he hit the social worker and got so upset. It's really stuck with me because I'd never seen that kind of reaction prior to this or after.

Fast forward to a few months ago and B found me on social media and messaged me, I replied and we met up and he told me he'd been to prison for ABH, he was under the influence of drugs at the time. he was sentenced to 5 years and he served 2.5. He was sent to a youth offenders not actual prison due to his age. He's now 20. He said when he went back to his mums things eventually went back to how things were when social services stopped being as closely involved. There was issues with addiction and DV between her and her partner.

He said he left and moved in with someone he thought was a friend but things spiralled and got out of hand. He was released on license and has a tag, a curfew, random drug tests and isn't allowed in that area. He's living in a hostel which is an approved premises. He told me he had no visitors in prison which broke my heart tbh.

I see him once a week on a Friday and we go for dinner etc, just so he has someone looking out for him and I do care about him. He looked rough today, he looked exhausted and pale. I noticed his fingers looked really sore too as if he’d been picking them. He mentioned about the hostel which he's talked about a few times about how it's loud etc with people kicking off, he said last night they thought someone had a weapon and ended up searching them all and after he felt unsafe. He's spoken to his probation officer before and they couldn't do anything as there was no where else for him to go but reassured him he is safe. Though he's told me drugs aren't allowed and he's seen people with drugs, the staff just don't know and he wouldn't tell on them as then he will be in danger.

When he had to go back there I hugged him and he sort of clung on for ages and I could tell he didn't want to go back but he knew he had to. Now I feel awful, I guess I still see that small child and want to keep him safe.

I was thinking of saying he can move in here. There's no small children, just my DS(17) I adopted and they did meet and live together for about 3 months before B went back to his parents. My only worry is B might feel a bit jealous, I'm not sure that's the right word but I adopted DS but B went back and experienced more trauma. My DP(I don't live with him but he sleeps here 4/5 nights out of 7) has said I shouldn't because he's a criminal and ill regret him living here as he'll steal from he etc, he didn't think I should see him at all.
I don't think he has to be at the hostel, he just has no where else to go so realistically he could live here but I don't know it's a good idea.

I just hate the thought of him being alone and feeling unsafe, also what he said re the other men having drugs, what if he gets tempted and starts using again and then tests positive on the random drug test

AIBU? If I don't reply I'm not disappearing, I'm reading the comments and will likely reply in the morning

@Chlorldry you sound wonderful but as others have said I would focus on offering him support and advocacy to enable him to move forward. Unfortunately his early life experiences and the long stretch in prison will have largely affected his life choices and even with your input, they likely still will.

Definitely ask if he would like you to help, meet with his probation officer and help with getting some work experience but don’t offer more than your family can honestly spare. Your adopted DC is your top priority.

Also to the point you make about why you didn’t adopt him, surely the answer is that he wasn’t available for adoption? He was a looked after child until returning to his family. So very different.

My view in life is we may regret the things we don't do more than the things we do, even if they don't work out. I'm soft hearted and would meet up with his probation officer and ask if he could stay at your house twice a week. If it goes well after 10 weeks and your DS 17 is ok with it you could look to him moving in full time with you. Take it a bit slowly to make sure your 17 year old is really ok with it. Good luck it's lovely you want to give this lad a second chance. DHL are a delivery company that will employ people with a criminal record.

I have to say I also feel this is inappropriate. He isn’t the little boy you fostered anymore. He is now a convicted criminal. Sadly and as much as I understand why you feel responsible for him, I think you have become far too emotionally invested already. I honestly could not visualise any other foster carers doing this after years of no contact. You also need to remember that unless you have other sources , you only have his word for what he has been involved in and may potentially draw the attention of social services to your own doorstep where your adopted child is concerned as they may feel your involvement with a previous foster child who has been involved in drugs and violence crosses all sorts of boundaries. I tend to agree with your partner.

Having looked up the sentencing guidelines, 5 years is the maximum sentence you can be given for ABH.

Sentencing ranges are wide for ABH and you can just get a community order.

Custodial is more likely if it isnt a first offence.

Just know for him to get 5 years, the maximum, it was very serious and / or not a first offence.

She would be very unwise to continue contact let alone move him in.

Aren't foster carers told to cut contact with previous foster children.?

You need to meet with his probation officer

No she doesnt. It's not her problem.

He thought of him as a friend but then he got him into drugs everyday and then the assault happened.

The assault didn't 'happen'. He attacked a man so violently that he was given the maximum penalty. And that was a man who he considered a friend.

If he attacked you it would be much, much worse. I think you are minimising the danger that he poses and that your ability to assess risk is impaired. You would not be an appropriate person to house him.

The reason he is not allowed to drive a lorry is because he could use it as a weapon. Open your eyes OP.

No, but insurers do!

I think you need to be cautious here. 5 years for ABH is the maximum sentence he can get. There has to be injury, not necessarily permanent injury but still.

Im sure he had a terrible time, but hes not an 11 year old boy anymore and atm you see him once a week, hear his version of events and your heart goes out. But you need to think less of the boy he was and more of the man he is.

Im not saying dont do it. But what happens if he loses his temper at your house? Or is jealous or your son or partner? You already dont know what his approach to drink and drugs are.

If i were you id try and get some independent info on his conviction. What did he do, did he plead guilty, was there any other history? Id speak to his probation officer and see whether you could help him or not. And if its not, thats not a reflection of your kind heart. You have to balance the risks

In theory, it's a great idea and having some stability could turn his life around.

But your adopted DC needs to be onboard with this and from what you have said it's not something that could happen overnight anyway.

If DC is not adverse to the idea - and he understands it's not usurping him - then I would imagine your next step would be to ask exFC if he would want to move in if it were possible? If he said yes then suggest he spent some Saturdays/Sundays at yours and see how he gets on with DC and DP (appreciate he can't stay over because of the tag). But stress it's not just up to you, DC would need to be happy about it, and also DP to a lesser degree.

If after a few day-long visits it's feeling like it could work, then talk to his probation worker.

I hope it works out well. My DC is adopted and he has had issues with drugs and has done some really stupid things. He says if it wasn't for us, if he had been left with his birth family, he reckons he would be in prison or dead. He is a very vulnerable lad and it upsets me to think what his life might have been like.

So I totally understand why you feel how you do.

Foster carers often keep in contact.

We adopted DS when he was 3. Foster carer came to his 18th and 21st birthday celebrations.

Ok think this way. Your DS moves out and takes in a mate. You dont know this mate.

He tells you this mate has a few convictions before age 21. Including 30 months in prison for ABH as part of a 5 year sentance (the maximum sentace for ABH) hes finishing on tag. This ABH happened because he was taking drugs daily and attacked the last person he lived with.

Hes now thinking about his future and he would like to drive a HGV. But has been told he cant because of his conviction. Because rightly a man with a violent criminal charge and a drug history carries a risk he could use the vehicle as a weapon.

Would you want DS moving that person in?

He isnt the boy he was at 11, its been almost a decade and the man he is comes with some warning flags you shouldn't ignore.

You only have his version of events. You've know clue why he got into drugs, if it was the flatmate or why he finally snapped with his old flatmate. Hes doing a lot of blaming other people for a long criminal history - his mum, her BF, social services, his ex-friend, the men at the hostel. What ownership is he taking? I know hes had a hard time and i see why you feel for him. But what about the convictions before this one? Why does he want to avoid letting you meet his probation officer? What if he loses his temper in your home?

I think you should just help him as you are. You dont want to risk having him in your home

@Chlorldry, I recommend reaching out to Chris Wild, Terry Galloway, Care Leavers Association. They will be able to offer further support and guidance for this young man. There is work and research being undertaken to support CEP with housing, probation and neurodivergence. From those who are CEP themselves and have actually experienced the care system not merely judged from outside.

Also your Dp is right - if he goes back on drugs he will steal from you and he may threaten you with violence to get money for drugs, even if he doesnt go through with the threat.

Concentrate on what else you can do to help, dont put your family and friends at risk by having him in your home.

Not all volunteering needs a DBS check. Nature reserves often have weekly drop-in session. Even if it's just litter picking.

E.g. TCV run Green Gym. https://www.tcv.org.uk/greengym/ I used to work with them, we had quite a few volunteers living in a men's hostel nearby. Once his conviction is spent (check a calculator if he's not sure) it'll be easier to get certain jobs again.

If taking him in is too big a risk, can you try and increase your help in other ways? Get him a small food shop once a week, meet him twice a week, help him with forms etc?

I wouldn't take him in. Your DS is at a stage in his life where he could be heavily influenced by your foster child.

It could bring absolute chaos and danger to your life with things like drug debt. You also need to establish all the facts as you don't always hear the truth. I'd be very concerned that he got 5 yrs for ABH. That is the maximum sentence that can be given so this was a very serious offence

I would continue and add as much support as you can, You sound a wonderful person and it sounds like he'll benefit from any help you can give him.

I definitely think he needs your help and the consistency of a positive relationship that you give him. I honestly don't know about the moving in part - my gut would want to do the same, but it's about the possibilities of what happens next that are a concern. Everyone else has already covered this.

The blisters on his fingers are absolutely 100% due to drug use.

I think that agreeing to have him stay with you under a very strict agreement not to use drugs would be the only way to do it, but can you guarantee he won't? are there structures in place to help keep him off them?

This situation is a work in progress. Please do update us.

A friend of mine had lots of ongoing support from a foster mum and it meant the world to him. I think you need to consider that he is a young man; if you draw him in too close then he is actually MORE likely to see himself back in a child role and be jealous of your (other) DS. Plan ways to support him:

• Dinner every week; including DS every few weeks
• Invitations for Christmas, Birthdays, Easter - these are a vulnerable and lonely time where inclusion ia most important
• Help him work out a future job; I would check again on HGV, the issue is likely because his conviction isn't spent yet - but some commercial options will open up again in a few years. He could try out large construction machinery training that's in demand such as tractor, forklift, telehandler and excavator as people with skills tend to get known and be in demand on farms and sites; if you are able to help fund some training for him that would be his fastest way out of the hostel and into life. Remember rail as an option, the conviction needs declaring and drugs testing will happen, but he can end up looped into long contracts quickly through rail.
• Support probation officer discussions about how he is to move from the hostel to a flat; there should be some help there. Again - if you can help with things like gifting a deposit then you can give him a step up.

Sending love OP. I don’t have any experience of this world but my hunch is that you would have a big impact helping him navigate how to move on from the hostel, how to complete whatever basic educational qualifications he needs for any job (English GCSE?), how to volunteer or otherwise gain experience that could lead to a job. Plus small (to you) things like meals together.

Agree with others that you shouldn’t jeopardise the safety & relationship with your son whilst helping this boy. I believe timpsons may offer jobs or work experience to people who have come out of prison if that could help with work?

Just because he was picking at hus sores when you met him doesn't mean he got the sores from picking

https://lovedonesunite.com/drugs-health-skin-blisters/

I think you are so naive about this whole situation.