To be annoyed mum has cancelled sleepover last minute

[itispersonal]

dd was to have a sleepover at ours with a friend. Friend was meant to come over today between 12.30 to 1.30 just had a message from dd friend to say she’s had an argument with her mum and now she’s grounded and phone being taken off.

AIBU to be annoyed. Dd is ASC so has been waiting since waking up for friend to come over. Friend could have already been here. Snacks are already brought and plans had been made.

If friend has been in an argument with her mum, surely the consequence should be after this arrangement due to cancelling it so late and not let dd down.

More likely the kid doesn’t want to come or is going to another field house instead and that’s why the message has come from her blaming her mum rather than you getting a message from the mother.

So because your kid has ASC other adults shouldn't parent their kid??

This is central character behaviour, personified

Anyone who believes 12-year-olds are incapable of being disingenuous obviously never parented a 12-year-old.

Whether the girl has her own phone or not is immaterial. My 11-year-old is going nowhere near a smart phone for some time, but even if I were the brand of parent who thought these unregulated pocket computers were a good idea, my child would still not be staying overnight with someone I hadn't personally vetted or made arrangements with. 12 years old is far too young to be giving them sole responsibility for that kind of risk assessment.

This is straightforward parenting. To do otherwise is simply negligence.

The mothers are apparently neither in contact nor have each other's numbers.

In which case the idea of a 'sleepover' is all the more baffling.

At age 12 if you're checking with the other kid's parents it's just going to be embarrassing for your kid, and then they'll be ostracized

At some point you need to let them fly

So OP you think a better parenting decision should be based on the feelings of others first and then punishment after the fun thing to not inconvenience another child?

YABVU

@TaupeMember letting people down is generally shitty behaviour but only if you know you are letting them down by agreeing to something in the first place. Just because OP’s child told her about the sleepover doesn’t mean the other child told their parent. These kids are 12 FGS, I really cannot get my head around this mindset that once kids are at secondary school they more or less parent themselves

I would feel annoyed for your DD, however I also understand that the other parent has the right not to reward her child's bad behaviour. Hopefully DD will understand that the cancellation is because of the other child misbehaving, and being punished for it, and not because she has done anything wrong. Maybe you and DD could have some time together?

You'd seriously let a 12 year old pack an overnight bag and let them leave the house to stay with a friend without confirming that's where they really were going to spend the night?

Er, no?? That would be silly wouldn't it?

But general hanging out time, yes.

It isn’t parenting themselves but when you know the friend and have met the friend, when you child comes home and says ‘Sarah has asked if I can stay over on Saturday’ it wouldn't occur to me that this was not sanctioned by the parent. I know the friend, know they are nice and responsible and I know where they live and often when doing the drop we have a chat and a cup of tea. I’ve never ever turned up at someone’s house and it turns out the arrangement was made up. I’d take the parent’s number in case of emergency.

But then surely you would have to check with the parent and you seemed to be challenging a post which said as much.

Lots of 12 year olds male their own arrangements, doesn't mean they're lying.
Usually before asking the parents, it is the parents job to ask the children for an adults phone number to confirm the arrangements.
There is no way I'd allow a 12 year old attend a sleepover without speaking to the parents, especially when special needs are involved.

Think of a different punishment that doesn't impact upon others at very, very short notice.

It is sad for your DD but at the same time the other child's parent is responsible for parenting her own child not yours. If she feels her child needs to have the consequence of the sleepover being cancelled than that is her right.

Unless the other child had done something extremely violent or offensive, she should have come on the sleepover. It’s rude to you and sad for your child.

I think it's really rude to cancel plans which involve other people as a punishment.

OP: It’s unfair.

Me: Life’s unfair, get over it.

Rubbish, it’s crap parenting because you’re letting the other family down!

The other parent will have likely wasted money buying extra food and will have had to re-arrange their weekend to accommodate the event.

I’d be livid if another parent let me down like this.

But you are assuming the 13 year old is lying, with no proof whatsoever.

The op asked for opinions on what happened, its not up to you to decide there was lying involved. That wasn't the aibu at all.

If you automatically assume all 13 year olds are lying that says more about your children and your attitude.

I currently parent a 10, 12 and 13 year old btw, and none of them have smart phones. But I dont horribly judge people who parent differently either.

You sound a bit like a bossy narcissist type who thinks they are right about everything, which, of course, none of us are.

Particularly when it comes to other people's children.

The mother should have telephoned you. Very rude to get her daughter to text.

This

No, it's responsible, sensible parenting. Changes to plans sometimes happen that's life, it shows that there are wider consequences to actions and you should consider how what you do might impact others.

I'm with the friend's mother. Bad behaviour shouldn't be rewarded. Your daughter will have to accept it has happened, and you can use it as a teachable moment as to why actions have consequences.

To all those saying this is acceptable behaviour, and we assume the other mum did indeed know about said sleepover a d had agreed...

What would you think of a friend who was due over for a dinner party. Due to arrive at 8pm. Calls you at 8.15 to say they cant come anymore as they have to say, now get up early in the morning?

Honestly?