To be annoyed mum has cancelled sleepover last minute

[itispersonal]

dd was to have a sleepover at ours with a friend. Friend was meant to come over today between 12.30 to 1.30 just had a message from dd friend to say she’s had an argument with her mum and now she’s grounded and phone being taken off.

AIBU to be annoyed. Dd is ASC so has been waiting since waking up for friend to come over. Friend could have already been here. Snacks are already brought and plans had been made.

If friend has been in an argument with her mum, surely the consequence should be after this arrangement due to cancelling it so late and not let dd down.

YABU for using so many exclamation marks.

YANBU for being somewhat annoyed about them not coming. I mean I don't parent using punishments anyway, but even if I did, breaking a prior commitment to a friend is not the way to do it.

But in doing so you are modelling the opposite!!

You are not showing any consideration for others at all

Nope.

If my daughter was looking forward to going on a sleepover and misbehaved enough, I absolutely would tell her she could not go on the sleepover. I would not be letting her friend down, my daughter would. There is no way on earth I would allow her to waltz off to a sleepover after behaving badly. Cause and effect. Short, sharp, shock.

You absolutely are not.

It’s not the same thing, that’s what I’d say.

If a play date is cancelled, I’d accept that sometimes parents need to take the good stuff to enforce rules. Same way as I’d support a teacher that cancelled a class trip for some pupils bad behaviour.

Exactly.

Yep 😂

I used to teach and there is no way on God's green earth a class trip woukd be cancelled because of a child's bad behaviour.

What are people actually smoking on this thread, they're coming out with all kinds of nonsense

Gosh we’re very different parents then- I absolutely abhor collective punishments. I think the only time I ever got angry with my children’s primary school was due to one and thankfully they never did it again.

Can't imaging your child has many friends then!!

Poor parenting you gave no other strategies to fall back on.

I have strong memories of something similar happening to me - the other girl had a tantrum so the mum banned her from coming to our dance performance that day. She was my partner and I had to dance by myself, it was absolutely mortifying. I still remember it, and I will never punish my DDs if it means seriously punishing another child too. There are plenty of appropriate sanctions that don’t involve penalising other kids!

Very different scenario though.

How incredibly rude, there is absolutely no reason to be personal. Not a good demonstration of manners.

So then how do you handle bad behaviour?

Say a child intentionally hits another child repeatedly (no SEN), or purposely breaks something. They know it's wrong and why, but they just did it anyway. What would you do?

Say a teenager is bullying someone. Do they then get no consequences?

Mine are too young for punishment but I don't at all disagree with the other mum in this scenario.

What did the primary school do wrong?

Edited because I know you said "collective".

By OP's own account there was never a conversation between the parents to begin with. It's therefore not an unlikely deduction that the other mother was never consulted, and no great stretch from there to speculate that this could well be what's at the heart of the trouble.

Such are the pitfalls of 'hands off' parenting.

I know, as I said before my mum reminded me of 35 years ago as I cried when my friend was barred from coming over after the time she was due because she hadn’t done her piano practise. It’s funny how these things stay with you. I can remember how excited I was and had all the sleepover stuff ready in my room.

Had exactly this recently. My son behaved badly and I said to him he could go on a sleepover with his friend because otherwise it punished his friend too.
When he returned he got the punishment at that point.
He also admitted later (that he hadn't completely enjoyed the sleepover because he was a bit worried about returning to the punishment) so I'm actually pleased it was on his mind.

She does actually, along with her siblings. I stopped her going on a sleepover once for behaving badly. I gave her fair warning if she kept it up she would not be going. Unfortunately for her, she did. She didn't go. She cried, wailed, tried to guilt me about her friend being disappointed, it fell on deaf ears. She CHOSE to behave like that, she was warned. SHE let her friend down last minute, not me. She had been looking forward to the sleepover all week so it was something that was going to teach her a lesson and indeed it did. 50 odd sleepovers down the line, she never did it again.

I would be damned if I was going to gather all her stuff, put her in the car and drive her to a treat after behaving like that. Neither was I going to find a "lesser" punishment with a more minimal impact. You don't get to go and have fun straight after speaking to me like that. Not a hope. Funnily enough, her siblings also learned a lesson that day too. never have had to stop them going. We laugh about it now but at the time, she didn't think I would follow through and following through was the best thing I did.

I'm assuming nothing, other than parenting basics which in these circumstances are that if your child is staying overnight at another child's house, it's simple good manners to contact their parents, ensure that this is okay, and to have contact details available. You are, after all, expecting someone else to take responsibility for that child for the duration of their stay. Unless, of course, you assume, in similar ways to the above post, that 12-year-old children no longer need parenting. I believe differently, and I prefer to model good manners and basic responsibility.

Since we're commenting on the question of manners, you're making this very personal, aren't you? Are ad hominen attacks your go-to method of communication?

What would I think of a friend who’s not a minor who had a rubbish excuse for not attending an event that a reasonable person would think I have put considerable time, money and effort into?

In no way is that comparable to OP’s situation.

If I had a friend who couldn’t attend my dinner party and pulled out at the last minute because they “had to deal with an incident with their teenage child” (more comparable but not quite). I would be mildly disappointed but not devastated or felt like I was being punished because I assume my friend had an important private family scenario or conflict with their child to deal with that they deemed warranted missing a dinner party for.

Why are we acting like millions of teenagers aren’t grounded every day for things and not being allowed to attend parties/sleepovers, be allowed out to hang around with friends, go into town with friends etc. It’s practically the weekly episode storyline for hundreds of those American TV family sitcoms.

When I was younger, there was always someone every now and again who couldn’t join us to do something because they had been a prick at home and their mum had said no. Thats not unusual surely?

Our “devastating disappointment” that our friend couldn’t join us to hang out in the park didn’t trump their parents right to discipline. Why on earth would our feelings even factor into the equation as if they were on par?!

The mother in question has absolutely no idea that OP had gone to an inordinate amount of effort to host the sleepover. Why would she assume that? She doesn’t even know OP. If she did, I would ring up the mother and apologise profusely and thank her for being understanding, but someone spending £8 on some crisps and nuts for my child and their friend being temporarily down in the dumps would not factor into my decision to discipline if I felt my child’s behaviour was serious enough.

The special needs are irrelevant - ASC was just mentioned to say it has been her focus since waking up! And like any child she was looking forward to it, cleaned her room especially.

but lesson learned with this friend when we next agree on something I will ask for parents phone number so harder for them to flake out!

im currently enjoying a drink whilst the girls are at the cinema. Bad parenting again, leaving them with unknowns in a dark room!!!

I just find it very surprising to take the friend's word for it on all counts. She's 12, so year 7. Not a teen who could be expected to have a bit more autonomy. I would never have a 12 year old to sleep over without checking with a parent, nor would I allow my child to sleep over at a home where I had no contact in advance with a parent. For all sorts of reasons, but a big one being that at 12 they don't always communicate or organise themselves very well.

Sorry, I agree with the mum. How will her daughter learnt how to behave if there are no consequences. Too many parents never follow through on threats and this to me is the right kind of punishment.
When my daughter was young we were in the car and she kept kicking the glove box. I asked her to stop multiple times. She didn’t and I told her one more time and she wouldn’t go to the cinema as planned with her friend. You can guess what happened. I called up the other mum there and then and said sorry nope she was coming. My friend and her friend were upset but allowing her to go is rewarding bad behaviour.

Quite. A simple conversation between parents would have avoided any such misunderstanding.

If people can't be bothered to fulfil this basic parenting duty then they can hardly complain when misunderstandings occur.