To be annoyed mum has cancelled sleepover last minute

[itispersonal]

dd was to have a sleepover at ours with a friend. Friend was meant to come over today between 12.30 to 1.30 just had a message from dd friend to say she’s had an argument with her mum and now she’s grounded and phone being taken off.

AIBU to be annoyed. Dd is ASC so has been waiting since waking up for friend to come over. Friend could have already been here. Snacks are already brought and plans had been made.

If friend has been in an argument with her mum, surely the consequence should be after this arrangement due to cancelling it so late and not let dd down.

She bought snacks. I'm sure they can still be eaten.

Yeah that’s shitty of her. She should find another way to punish her dd that doesn’t inconvenience or disappoint other people.

There are a million and one rational reasons why she’s not attending the sleepover before you even take any argument into consideration.

1 - Her mum doesn’t know you or your daughter. Her own daughter has gone “can I stay round X’s house tonight?” and her mums like “eh? Who’s that? I don’t even know them. No you can’t”. She probably doesn’t even envision you’ve spent money and time buying snacks or planning activities because she doesn’t know who you are and thinks this is probably a random last min sleepover thing requiring no effort.

2 - The girl didn’t want to go to the sleepover so made it out like her mum wouldn’t let her (completely normal thing for teens to do as makes them out not to be the bad guy)” or has told mum she doesn’t want to go but doesn’t know what to say as an excuse so mum has said “just tell her I wouldn’t let you go”.

3 - It might have not been last minute and she could have been banned from the sleepover much earlier but hoping her mum would relent so left it to the absolute last minute to let your daughter know she couldn’t come.

4 - Family might already have had or want to have bank holiday plans. They don’t even know you or have your contact details.

5 - The argument or incident leading to the ban could have been substantial enough to be grounded. It could be anything. Bullying, crime, drugs, theft of money, police involved, breaking curfew, lies, violence, repeated insolence or vile behaviour, refusal to to simple chores or tasks conditional of being allowed to attend, calling her mum a c*t. Could be anything! You’re assuming the argument was over something minor so you think this is disproportionate reaction by the other mum. You have no idea. The other mother clearly felt the appropriate punishment was not to be allowed to attend the sleepover. Thats her parenting right.

You might think that there’s no behaviour serious enough to warrant a ban from a sleepover but other parents don’t feel this way. There’s no right or wrong here. They are parenting as they see fit.

We’re not talking here of inconveniencing or hurting people in a significant way such as if the two girls had concert tickets or had arranged a trip together where one person not going would significantly effect the other person or cost them a lot of money. A low-stakes scenario like an attending a sleepover, going to the cinema or meeting your mates in the park to hang out are all perfectly normal activities to be grounded from without a second thought. These are completely non-events. Your daughter will have to (gently) just get over it.

But there was no definite agreement. Only messages between two 12 year old girls. Nothing to properly confirm the girl was allowed to come in the first place. I would not be wanting to pay 'costs' to something that had been agreed to without my permission and without the other parent having any sense to check!

I agree. It would be annoying but I would understand. My child would be disappointed but I have powers of speech and can explain to her that her friend is experiencing consequences.

As for a friend cancelling because they 'don't feel like it's, again I have these magical human powers that enable me to understand the nuances of being human and that there's a difference between 'can't be fucked' and 'had a really tough week and can't face company'.

Where does it say there was no definite arrangement? The girls agreed it between themselves and confirmed it. The OP was expecting the child. Are you suggesting the other child is a liar? I used to arrange all my sleepovers with my mates between the 2 of us and need just ask our mums if it were ok. Our parents didn’t communicate about it- we just agreed and turned up.

I would never have a 12 year old for a sleepover (or even take them out to an activity) without a parent’s contact details. To a)confirm the plans in advance, and b) in case of emergencies.

I am suggesting that without the parents both confirming the arrangements it is all pie in the sky. I would not want a child whose parent I had not been in touch with staying over as I wouldn't know it had definitely been agreed.
As I had said several times it's a bank holiday weekend, it's meant to be nice (well at least where I live) so the family may have plans.

I like the post by @CrispySquid who has outlined a number of possibilities.

If @itispersonal had the mum's phone number then this could all have been easily checked and fixed much sooner - at the start week messaging the mum asking if the girl is having dinner before she comes.

Something that doesnt involve punishing an innocent person

there are many things the mother could do that doesn’t negatively affect someone else when plans are already in place.

No. Her alternative is to find a different consequence that doesn’t effectively punish someone else. 12 is old enough to understand delayed consequences. She’s but like a dog who needs immediate consequences

Not at 12 it doesn’t. Do you think people went to prison months after the crime don’t understand?

shes 12. Not 2

If I felt it that important to ground my child with immediate effect, changing another family’s plans, I would message/call the other parent to offer my apologies and offer to reimburse them the money they had paid for activities. However, I am also the parent that would want to know where and who my 12 year old was staying with.

If you don’t know the parents, haven’t exchanged details and the details have been negotiated through two 12 year old girls, perhaps the parents have no idea of the lengths you have gone to or your daughters ASC.

I would feel salty but chalk it up to a bad experience. Hope your DD enjoys her new plans

Very disappointing for DD.

Her friend made the mistake of arguing with her DM. The DM is tough, her DD knows her well enough to measure the consequences.

I would have let her go, ground her tomorrow.

I’m going to be honest, once my kids started secondary school I left the kids to make arrangements with their mates themselves and I didn’t correspond with the parent’s at all. I’d only meet the parents when I went to drop them off. I knew where they were and the friend they were with. These were school mates so I knew who they were with and they had their phone on them. I would have asked for the parents number just in case but I wasn’t messaging them beforehand. Didn’t occur to me that they were ever making arrangements that hasn’t been checked with the other parent.

Your mother would let you go and stay with a friend when you were twelve, without confirming it was ok with your friend’s mother and with no means of contacting her?

I bet the other mum has no idea her DD was meant to be having a sleepover at yours. It's more likely the other girl has cancelled and made up the excuse of being grounded.

Who on earth lets 12 year olds organise a sleepover with no contact whatsoever from parents to say "is this okay with you" or "do you know about this sleepover"? You don't have to know or be friends with the parents of your child's friends but it is completely normal and sensible to have their numbers to double check plans.

Next time definitely confirm arrangements with the other parent.
Are you sure the friend isn't making an excuse?

I agree.

If I don’t know the parents well enough to be able to ring them and say “sorry it’s such late notice but we’ve got to cancel, DD is grounded because of (insert serious transgression here)” then there’s no way DD would be staying over there in the first place at 12!
I’ll bet you a tenner this is a plan hatched without parental involvement and as soon as it’s been mentioned at home the other child’s mum has said “no, we’ve already got plans/you’ve got xyz appointment/I’m not letting you sleep over at the home of people I’ve never met” which has become the ‘argument’ she referred to.
It’s a little naive on your part to accept this was happening without checking tbh

I would not require an explantion of others' disciplining practices. Other people's parenting is precisely none of my business.

I would expect full communication between parents and consent to be given for any sleepover beforehand. I also wouldn't countenance allowing my child to sleep over at some kids' house, without having their parents' contact details and minimally a discussion beforehand. An absence of these is lax to say the least and these are not circumstances under which my child would ever be staying with someone overnight. And who knows?, perhaps the other child's mother felt the same way.

Different people clearly have different parenting standards.

The other parent has done the right thing but she should have phone you and apologised.
Could she invite another friend over ?

Mine aren't this age so maybe I am naive about this but I really can't imagine just sending a 12 year old off without even checking it was ok with the other parent in the first place.

Quite.

Someone in this story is obviously telling porkies.

What a load of nonsense being spouted on this thread.

The aibu was about the actions of the family who cancelled at the time the girl was due over. The girl has her own phone.

As per usual, its turned into a witch hunt of the op, making up scenarios and judging op on said nonsense.

People are so dense.

Yes, letting your daughter down when she was sat waiting for the other girl to arrive was shitty behaviour.

Of course she could've had consequences that didnt involve upsetting someone else.

More nonsense!!

Lots of 12 year olds male their own arrangements, doesn't mean they're lying.

Plus, telling porkies. Passive aggressive much?