To be annoyed mum has cancelled sleepover last minute

[itispersonal]

dd was to have a sleepover at ours with a friend. Friend was meant to come over today between 12.30 to 1.30 just had a message from dd friend to say she’s had an argument with her mum and now she’s grounded and phone being taken off.

AIBU to be annoyed. Dd is ASC so has been waiting since waking up for friend to come over. Friend could have already been here. Snacks are already brought and plans had been made.

If friend has been in an argument with her mum, surely the consequence should be after this arrangement due to cancelling it so late and not let dd down.

While I get that this punishment isn't good as it punishes the other child who is looking forward to seeing their friend, isn't this why this punishment might be effective? If a child has been told they won't be going to a playdate/sleepover they might think the parent won't follow through with this and is bluffing. If the behaviour continues despite this threat of losing out on this it might teach the child that any punishment given is serious and will happen, even if it affects someone else.

Well perhaps you should contact the school in St Albans where that happened. Not one child’s behaviour but enough that the trip was pulled. Not fair? Nope but life isn’t fair so the sooner people get over that one the better!

What a flaky unreliable cunt. I'd be furious.

I would be annoyed, but I agree with the people saying the other mum can’t delay the sanction. I would do two things, I would arrange for a different treat for your daughter for tonight (cinema/ takeaway with you?) and I would not let her know how pissed off you are, it will only upset your daughter more.

Harsh words to use for a 12 year old. OP can't even be sure the mum knew about it.

Agreed. Key point being that no one here, including OP, knows the other mother's reasons for her parenting decisions. And these are really nobody else's business but her own.

I don't want to sound mean but she has told you they have had an argument you have no idea what about or to what extent. I don't think its fair of you to judge her parenting on the little you know about what has happened. Just do something nice with your daughter yourself she will be fine.

I've had that happen once. They canceled a play date (an hour before) that had been arranged for weeks, due to punishment for not cleaning her bedroom?!!! I did message the mum to explain that my daughter was very upset, could the punishment be something else? She said no! I thought this was very selfish of her as she could have removed her phone/ipad/tv after the playdate as a consequence.

The following week at school, the same mum kept hassling me to set another date for the missed play date! As she'd promised her daughter they would rearrange! I pretended we were busy, because I'm not going through another possible let down followed by tears again! For future playdates/sleepovers I encouraged her to invite another friend instead, that worked well.

Clearly the friends mum wasn’t impressed with her DD bad behaviour and punished her accordingly. Sorry OP but the fact that your daughter is disappointed obviously didn’t affect the mums decision.

😂

It's a shitty thing to do for the friend. She thought she could mouth off to her mom, knowing her friend was waiting for her, thinking that she would still get to go. Well, she found out and ruined it for the both of them. This is not the mom's fault. She would be amiss to still let her daughter go, despite misbehaving.

Good for you. I’d have done the same and made it clear to the other mum you can’t take the risk of another cancellation

Exactly. This is what I would do in order not to punish the other child and not inconveniance the parents. It's so easy to say that "after this sleep over you will be deprived of your phone for a day/week (depending on gravity).

I have got a friend who does this regularly with her girls: deprive them of bday parties if they are not behaving even the same day. I know she thinks it's her girls fault for misbehaving but she could figure out another punishment. It's not nice to not show up to a birthday party and I think that her girls won't get invited a second time to the ones being stood up.

I understand why that would feel unfair on your daughter but maybe this mum was just at the end of her tether and felt she had to do something extreme. (I have one little boy much younger, not sure I'd know what to do with a 12 year old girl being horrible to me!)

Oh cmon there are millions of other punishments the mum could have chosen after the sleep over. I suspect the mum couldn't be arsed to bring her over.

Are some of these posts ai?

Strange, overly formal wording, and smack of a couple of posters with no real life to live...

Bloody rude of the mum not to phone your daughter and ask to speak to you to apologise and explain. Also quite poor of mum not to have been in contact with you before sleepover (or you in contact with her so you're both at fault there).
Glad you found a replacement.

I suspect the mum couldn't be arsed to bring her over.

Or the child had been horribly rude or had persisted in doing something she'd been told not to do, yet still expected her mother to drive her to the sleepover.

If it was just something like not tidying her room, I should think friend would have told dd, so probably something more serious that she didn't want to tell dd.

Or she hadn't told her mother about the sleepover and sprung it on her this morning.

Yet another AIBU post where anyone who says "yes you are" is told they are incorrect by OP. Trolling perhaps

It’s interesting, the absolute lack of consensus here. It’s quite even on both sides I think (although no poll and I can’t be arsed counting).

I can see both sides but I think parents should be free to parent as they wish and it’s not really for anyone else to start “suggesting other punishments” or passing judgement on whether it’s proportionate or not etc. It’s a shame for the child who has been let down but it’s just one of those things really.

I haven’t told anyone they are incorrect! Whether it was the daughter or mum it is still poor form!

but next time I’ll confirm with mum, like I said in the post you quoted!

True as long as parents don’t complain that no one wants to have sleepovers or play dates with their child as they don’t want to risk last minute cancellation.

Fair 🤷🏻‍♀️ more incentive for the kids to behave.

I think real consequences for bad behaviour are important. I think generally right now a lot of people aren’t parenting their kids properly and the result is awful behaviour in the schools and no parental support for consequences for that.

Well no as like the other poster said she never gave the child another chance. Once the parent had cancelled once they never rearranged.

@Drfosters

You punished a child for having a strict parent. You really feel self-righteous about that??