DP wants a break doesn’t know what he wants

boscher · 2025-08-22T10:04:12+00:00

So dp of 20 years has given me the silent treatment since Sunday. He’s been working away, I’ve tried messaging and ringing asking why. He says he has nothing to say to me. we had an argument Sunday and both said a few harsh words, I did raise my voice. He knows how to get in my head then blames it all on me for shouting. The argument was no worse than ones we’ve had in the past. He works long hours, I work part time plus do all childcare and everything in the house. He does nothing except work. He says I’m miserable and never go near him for sex etc. He never comes near me unless he wants sex that’s the only time. If he does come near me he’s either touching my boobs or between my legs. Never just a kiss or cuddle. Ive tried to tell him I’m burnt out and touched out from doing everything in the house and for the kids. His answer is that’s why I work part time. We did have a really good relationship and sex life up until around a year and half ago. I’m going through peri and this has changed me a lot. He doesn’t understand that and just says millions of other women are as well. Now it does really feel like we are only together for the kids. He’s said the same So my question is what do I do? He’s said he wants a break. Do I agree to the break see how it goes or do I just say leave it then? Id be no worse off without him that’s not an issue

Noelshighflyingturds · 22/08/2025 11:04

Don’t tie yourself up in Knotts about this he’s basically having an affair
If he wants to be on his own, let him fuck off

weareallcats · 22/08/2025 11:06

Affair was my first though too. I’d just let him leave tbh - sounds like you’d be happier without him.

Original poster

boscher · 22/08/2025 11:08

I did think is he seeing or speaking to someone else. I don’t think he is though, he’s always been really against cheating and he wouldn’t have no time to have an affair. When he’s not working away he’s with us all the time. He doesn’t go out often, maybe once a month if that

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Mrsttcno1 · 22/08/2025 11:09

I’d just accept the relationship is over and make your plans to leave to be honest. You both sound unhappy and for me at the point someone wants a “break” it’s over anyway it’s just a matter of time.

Handmethegunandaskmeagain · 22/08/2025 11:09

boscher · 22/08/2025 11:08

I did think is he seeing or speaking to someone else. I don’t think he is though, he’s always been really against cheating and he wouldn’t have no time to have an affair. When he’s not working away he’s with us all the time. He doesn’t go out often, maybe once a month if that

How often does he work away?

Noelshighflyingturds · 22/08/2025 11:11

boscher · 22/08/2025 11:08

I did think is he seeing or speaking to someone else. I don’t think he is though, he’s always been really against cheating and he wouldn’t have no time to have an affair. When he’s not working away he’s with us all the time. He doesn’t go out often, maybe once a month if that

Oh love, you’d be amazed how they find the time to get their end wet.

And cheaters usually are extremely vocal about how they would never cheat. It’s a really old well trodden path. And a script that he is following to the letter
Just pretend it’s not happening don’t go digging because you don’t give a shit anyway
But let him have his break and then see how you feel at the end of it whether you want him back or not I strongly suspect you won’t

Original poster

boscher · 22/08/2025 11:11

Handmethegunandaskmeagain · 22/08/2025 11:09

How often does he work away?

Show quote history

I’d say maybe 2 weeks of the month but not every month.

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Handmethegunandaskmeagain · 22/08/2025 11:12

boscher · 22/08/2025 11:11

I’d say maybe 2 weeks of the month but not every month.

Show quote history

Sorry OP, that’s plenty of time to have an affair. Or to be telling you he’s working away, when he’s actually with the OW.

Catcatcat111 · 22/08/2025 11:12

How old are the kids? I think youngish children put a massive strain on your relationship and if you both want it you could put things right. I’d suggest counselling, if that was a no I don’t think I’d bother with the break instead.

Original poster

boscher · 22/08/2025 11:13

Catcatcat111 · 22/08/2025 11:12

How old are the kids? I think youngish children put a massive strain on your relationship and if you both want it you could put things right. I’d suggest counselling, if that was a no I don’t think I’d bother with the break instead.

They are 5 and 6

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Largeherbivore · 22/08/2025 11:14

He does know what he wants. He wants your permission to go and shag someone else.

A break is just code for he has someone else lined up and wants to give it a go. The question is are you happy with that? I sure as hell wouldn't be.

Tell him to fuck right off. He can either engage with the family and make a go of it or not. He doesn't get your permission to go and sleep around and then get a free pass to come back if and when it suits him.

hydriotaphia · 22/08/2025 11:15

I completely disagree that you should jump to the conclusion that he is having an affair or that the relationship is necessarily over (unless you want it to be). It sounds like you are both tired and burned out. Could you have a day off together where you try to reconnect/talk openly. Would couples therapy be an option? Of course, if the relationship is over then it is in your power to end it, but after such a long time it seems that it would be worth trying to communicate rather than acting hastily after an argument.

Original poster

boscher · 22/08/2025 11:22

hydriotaphia · 22/08/2025 11:15

I completely disagree that you should jump to the conclusion that he is having an affair or that the relationship is necessarily over (unless you want it to be). It sounds like you are both tired and burned out. Could you have a day off together where you try to reconnect/talk openly. Would couples therapy be an option? Of course, if the relationship is over then it is in your power to end it, but after such a long time it seems that it would be worth trying to communicate rather than acting hastily after an argument.

I really don’t think he’s having an affair. Well I didn’t before reading some of these replies. I honestly don’t think he would do that and if he is then I will be really shocked.
I don’t want things to be over. I agree we are both not happy and think we do need some time just us together. I do love him and can’t imagine life without him. I just know we both do need to change and put more effort in

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ShiftingSand · 22/08/2025 11:23

He’s not very understanding is he? I would suggest marital counselling to him and if he’s not interested then let him move out for a break and take it from there. Btw it’s amazing how many men think it’s okay to grope their partner and then expect them to fall into bed with them after a long day of work, household chores and looking after children. If they had any intelligence they would realise that a woman likes a bit of wooing and a build up before sex🙄

Ohlifelife · 22/08/2025 11:24

I did think is he seeing or speaking to e else. I don’t think he is though, he’s always been really against cheating and he wouldn’t have no time to have an affair.

As other pp have pointed out it's the ones who are most vocally against cheating that tend to be the ones that cheat.
And if he is working away I would suggest he has plenty of opportunity to be having sex with other women- possibly even sex workers if not a proper relationship with someone.
Even if he isnt cheating i dont see any positives in this relationship for you. No affection and just seeing you as a sex provider is a pretty horrible type of relationship.

Wfordwife · 22/08/2025 11:31

I could have written your message. My relationship (20yrs together) and have 2 kids although they are a bit older. (12 and 10) We used to have a very good relationship in that we were affectionate and touchy feely but that has all dried up the last few months. Now it's sex (exactly as you describe) maybe once every week or two. I'm not sure if I care and my husband has made comments that he's just here for the kids. We are civil and do get on but are like friends sharing a home at the moment. Going through the motions. I've tried to talk to him but he's giving me nothing. I guess it's up to you to decide what you want to do but if he's checked out it'll be very hard to get him to come back. A lot of people think the grass is greener. Men especially. The reality of family life just doesn't do it for them.

Noelshighflyingturds · 22/08/2025 11:32

Wfordwife · 22/08/2025 11:31

I could have written your message. My relationship (20yrs together) and have 2 kids although they are a bit older. (12 and 10) We used to have a very good relationship in that we were affectionate and touchy feely but that has all dried up the last few months. Now it's sex (exactly as you describe) maybe once every week or two. I'm not sure if I care and my husband has made comments that he's just here for the kids. We are civil and do get on but are like friends sharing a home at the moment. Going through the motions. I've tried to talk to him but he's giving me nothing. I guess it's up to you to decide what you want to do but if he's checked out it'll be very hard to get him to come back. A lot of people think the grass is greener. Men especially. The reality of family life just doesn't do it for them.

As a single woman on online Dating, we meet them all the time
You ask them why their relationship with their wife and the mother of the children broke up and they all come out with the same bonkers nonsense that they just grew apart. It’s absolute crap.
They just couldn’t be bothered to work at a relationship and then tries to make out that they would be bothered to work at one with you but they don’t. They just go from one more stand to another.

Original poster

boscher · 22/08/2025 11:36

Wfordwife · 22/08/2025 11:31

I could have written your message. My relationship (20yrs together) and have 2 kids although they are a bit older. (12 and 10) We used to have a very good relationship in that we were affectionate and touchy feely but that has all dried up the last few months. Now it's sex (exactly as you describe) maybe once every week or two. I'm not sure if I care and my husband has made comments that he's just here for the kids. We are civil and do get on but are like friends sharing a home at the moment. Going through the motions. I've tried to talk to him but he's giving me nothing. I guess it's up to you to decide what you want to do but if he's checked out it'll be very hard to get him to come back. A lot of people think the grass is greener. Men especially. The reality of family life just doesn't do it for them.

Sorry to hear you are going through this as well.
That’s exactly like us, more like friends now. He’s back today so will just have to see what today brings

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BlueandPinkSwan · 22/08/2025 11:37

Largeherbivore · 22/08/2025 11:14

He does know what he wants. He wants your permission to go and shag someone else.

A break is just code for he has someone else lined up and wants to give it a go. The question is are you happy with that? I sure as hell wouldn't be.

Tell him to fuck right off. He can either engage with the family and make a go of it or not. He doesn't get your permission to go and sleep around and then get a free pass to come back if and when it suits him.

Totally agree, off you go Joe, close the door behind you.
OP life will be hard at first but you will get through with determination and inner strength you never know you have until you have to.
Do it for your kids, they don't need the confusion or to-ing and fro-ing.

purplecorkheart · 22/08/2025 11:40

If he is not already having an affair already he is planning on having one hence the break. He will claim he did not cheat on you as you were on a break. However by taking a break he will have a safety net of coming back if things are not greener on the other side.

BauhausOfEliott · 22/08/2025 11:43

It's very, very clear that neither of you are happy in your marriage. You are both miserable and you don't love each other any more. You agree that you are only together 'for the kids' and don't have feelings for one another. You'd be no worse of without him and I'm guessing he wouldn't be worse off without you, either, so for god's sake just bring the marriage to a civilised end where you both agree it's the right thing, rather than dragging it out and resenting each other for it. You're on the same page, by the sound of it; this is the ideal point to end the marriage in an amicable way that works for you all (including the kids).

ComfortFoodCafe · 22/08/2025 11:45

Hes having an affair or planning one.

EvenMoreCrisps · 22/08/2025 11:46

He sounds rubbish, and zero loss.

Do you own the house? Financially independent?

OnceIn · 22/08/2025 11:48

A break = time to shag someone

My ex was dead against cheating and I thought he’d be the last person to cheat, I also thought he’d never have the time either, he was work work work or home. Oh how wrong I was !

beAsensible1 · 22/08/2025 11:48

You have two young kids and are Peri which I assume means you are both older parents. So
knackered? still working full time but feeling the strain on your energy a lot more, not interested in sex or even companionship and probably both just want a month of space without demands or executive function?

are either of you interested in fixing it? Or it mights be easier to end it now while the children are still young? Your posts don’t seem that fussed about the relationship to be honest?