DP wants a break doesn’t know what he wants

[boscher]

So dp of 20 years has given me the silent treatment since Sunday. He’s been working away, I’ve tried messaging and ringing asking why. He says he has nothing to say to me.

we had an argument Sunday and both said a few harsh words, I did raise my voice. He knows how to get in my head then blames it all on me for shouting.
The argument was no worse than ones we’ve had in the past.

He works long hours, I work part time plus do all childcare and everything in the house. He does nothing except work.
He says I’m miserable and never go near him for sex etc. He never comes near me unless he wants sex that’s the only time. If he does come near me he’s either touching my boobs or between my legs. Never just a kiss or cuddle.
Ive tried to tell him I’m burnt out and touched out from doing everything in the house and for the kids. His answer is that’s why I work part time.

We did have a really good relationship and sex life up until around a year and half ago. I’m going through peri and this has changed me a lot. He doesn’t understand that and just says millions of other women are as well.
Now it does really feel like we are only together for the kids. He’s said the same

So my question is what do I do? He’s said he wants a break. Do I agree to the break see how it goes or do I just say leave it then?

Id be no worse off without him that’s not an issue

He's a devious bastard isn't he.

He's already gone love.

I think if he is having an affair like others have suggested then it's over.

But if he isn't...

It's just seems a shame that you said your relationship and sex life was fine about a year ago. I think it sounds like you don't make enough time for each other. You're not going to feel like having sex with each other if you don't have spend time connecting with each other.

It depends if you are committed to being together. If you want to be with each other but you both feel unhappy at the moment and want to work on it then I'd consider couples therapy.

But to be honest I don't believe in going on a break. You're either committed or you aren't and if you need to go on "a break" to test that then you aren't committed.

‘ I want things to be how they used to be’

How many women say that? I know I did. Stupidly

That won’t happen. That man is gone. He has changed and will not change back. He’s loved you, devalued you and is now discarding you. You need to get your head round that.
If he hasn’t already been with other women, which I doubt, he has one lined up. They usually find someone before dumping the current one.

And mine cried tears for half an hour swearing he’d never cheat, how could I think it, I was the One. He’d been cheating since the day we met, 7 years before, with several and had 3 on the go at the time of the tears. All his work meetings, funerals, business trips involved at least one gf. The louder they shout against cheating, the more they’re telling you what they’ll do.
They are only against you cheating

He works away. He has every opportunity. Don't be so gullible.

I also think you’re in a habit, but you don’t sound like you like each other much and tbh, he’s a sex pest. Early on in my relationship, my then DP was all about it always leading to sex, I had words, he’s been far more respectful since and not every touch is sexual. That would give me the major ick.

If someone I was with needed some time away to think about whether we had a future together, then that’s the answer. There’s no future. What’s the boundaries during this break? Can he message others? Can you? Is sleeping around acceptable? Or are you expected to put your life on hold until he makes a decision?
I’m sorry, but life is far too short to be waiting around for some kind of ‘pick me’ moment. If he doesn’t want to be with you, which clearly - he does not (else he’d be with you), then he should just bugger off & stop with the head f*ck of ‘time to think’.

Unfortunately i also think hes already planning a full exit and planning or having an affair.

But it's not unreasonable for you not to want to jump to conclusions. Ask.him what this "break" consists of. Ask him if, or this break, he is open notmjuat to thinking about whether he can live with your "faults", but whether he is willing to consider his own. Ask him whether as part of this break you can agree 50/50 re children so that you have the same time to consider the relationship. Syggest that prior to this break you both wrote down your key issues and things you find difficult with the other one and then share it, with the goal of coming together in counselling to discuss.

The answers to those questions will tell you a great deal.

People are suggesting they spend more time with each other to connect but the problem seems to be that he DOESN'T want that. He just wants sex.

How can you say he's got no time to cheat? He works away. He's got all the time to cheat when he's not with you. I wouldn't be surprised if he's been having an affair for some time and this weekend whilst staying at the flat your DC will be introduced to some or other "friend" who just happens to be female.

This is what I was going to say.
The DC will meet Daddy's friend NannyMcFanny, who he's been shagging for the last year and a half.

But you weren't the one asking for time alone. He was.
Now he's having a weekend with the kids to give you time to think? What does he want you to think about?

Having the kids for the weekend in an apartment it almost sounds like he's having a trial run for 50/50 to see what it would be like.

And you've just come back from annual family holiday where everything was fine? So needing a "break" like a break from work/routine.. has already been had.

But he now as an apartment which is vacant.

His explanation's don't make sense. You need to ask for franker answers.

You have a lot of chatching up to do.

The rules have changed, you are viewing your marriage through the old rules, you are rightfully upset that your relationship has taken a nosedive in the past year.

You have been placed into a situation whereby you are pissed off and expecting better, you have been devalued, maybe this break you think will help because I'm not caring too much about him at present and taking the children makes him still look involved.

The thing is you don't realise you are dealing with an unknown force that has made your relationship dwindle.

He's got other plans, cherchez la femme.

I'm sorry but you are going to become angry at some point, protect yourself and your family. he's a bad un.

Honestly, you both seem really unhappy. If you are only together because of the children then you need to spilt. YOU DESERVE HAPPINESS AND YOU DESERVE TO BE LOVED!
He clearly isn't making you feel the way you should be feeling and that isn't fair on you and also not fair on your children in the long run.
They would much rather a happy mummy and a happy Daddy than 2 parents who are just not getting along. I imagine you are terrified of being on your own too as you've been with him for so much of your life but you have got this.
Tell him exactly how he has made you feel and then go from there is what I would advise. Good luck xx

IME when men leave or want a break, it’s because there’s someone else. Not all the time of course, but more often than not. If that’s the case here, no amount of reasonable discussion will change things. He is deliberately (whether consciously or not) creating a misery in your relationship because it will give him the narrative that everything is awful and therefore he had to leave. It’s a justification to make him feel better about leaving.

Ultimately, however, it doesn’t matter. Your response should be the same. You don’t beg him to stay, nor do
you accuse him of having an affair. You simply state that while you want it to work and are prepared to work on that (e.g. marriage counselling), it takes two to make a marriage work, so until he decides that’s what he wants too, it’s better that he leaves until he’s figured it out. Your DC deserve better than living in an atmosphere such as this.

This removes the power from him. You may find you actually prefer having him gone.

You don't need a break from him OP. Why is he sending you away?

Is he going to take the children for a playdate with his 'friend' who also has children do you think? And then will he expect it to be his turn to have next weekend 'off' so that he can visit his friend again?

He sounds awful.

Take him up on the break and tell him to leave.

Puzzled here. All of a sudden he decides to give YOU a break by taking the children off your hands. What is he playing at?
It is not you who wants a break.

Set your bar higher than a man who is a sex pest, a silver, and doesn’t pull his weight around the house.

You are worth more.

A break is a good idea. While he's away thinking about what he wants, you can decide whether you want him back or not.

So he works away from home for two weeks a month, doesn't do anything except work and isn't looking to see anyone else.

What exactly will this break entail? What will be different to every other week he's innocently away?

He is lying to you, op.

Sadly l agree - my ex HATED cheaters - absolute scum of the earth! Didn't ulinclude him though - l know of at least 2 other women he was knocking off.

Have you considered counselling OP? It sounds like you have issues communicating and a third party could help you work through some of your issues.

I also think some men don’t understand that for women, intimacy has to be built through connection. If we don’t feel connected, we don’t feel in the mood and grabbing like you mentioned will just give you the ick.

I do love him still and I do want to be with him. I just want things to be how they used to me and I know we both need to change and work on it for that to happen.

The relationship isn't just you, though. He won't just become (or revert to) what you want him to be - just like you can't just revert to being the person you were 20 years ago.

I'd he's working away for 2 weeks in a month he us already having a break surely?

Let him sulk.
Acting like a prick.
If he wants a partner who is attracted to him, he needs to act like a partner and muck in, lightening the load.
He's a another selfish sex pest.