DP wants a break doesn’t know what he wants

[boscher]

So dp of 20 years has given me the silent treatment since Sunday. He’s been working away, I’ve tried messaging and ringing asking why. He says he has nothing to say to me.

we had an argument Sunday and both said a few harsh words, I did raise my voice. He knows how to get in my head then blames it all on me for shouting.
The argument was no worse than ones we’ve had in the past.

He works long hours, I work part time plus do all childcare and everything in the house. He does nothing except work.
He says I’m miserable and never go near him for sex etc. He never comes near me unless he wants sex that’s the only time. If he does come near me he’s either touching my boobs or between my legs. Never just a kiss or cuddle.
Ive tried to tell him I’m burnt out and touched out from doing everything in the house and for the kids. His answer is that’s why I work part time.

We did have a really good relationship and sex life up until around a year and half ago. I’m going through peri and this has changed me a lot. He doesn’t understand that and just says millions of other women are as well.
Now it does really feel like we are only together for the kids. He’s said the same

So my question is what do I do? He’s said he wants a break. Do I agree to the break see how it goes or do I just say leave it then?

Id be no worse off without him that’s not an issue

A break is just code for he has someone else lined up and wants to give it a go.

This ^^

Can't believe you don't know that OP.

@beAsensible1 he molests OP and refuses to parent or do his share of housework. She is correct in not being fussed.
Getting rid of a terrible boyfriend is cause for joy.

Whether or not he is having an affair (or planning one) is a total red herring. It is irrelevant.
What really matters is whether @boscher wants to continue in the marriage, or call it quits.

He only touches you sexually, never an affectionate cuddle. He only wants you for sex (and housework and childcare). The love has gone.
I could not bear to live with such a sex-pest.

Don’t kid yourself. He’s having an affair.
During work hours perhaps, but it’s happening.
No man leaves unless there’s someone else waiting in the wings. It’s too much hassle for them.

The silent treatment is abuse and you shouldn't put up with it. But also he does not get in your head and make you shout, you have agency to choose not to shout.

It doesn't sound like either of you are happy so I would say that maybe it's appropriate to call time on the relationship.

This

He wants to go and shag someone else guilt free and see if he can make it permanent or slink back when he’s bored.

Do you know what he means by "a break"? If it's that he wants some time to think and cool off without having to talk about the relationship, I'd be inclined to say his being away is a good chance to do that as you're not going to resolve anything over the phone anyway. But the children are so young they're going to at least need you to facilitate contact while he's away and let him know if there's an emergency, so he can't just not speak to you. If he means a break to be involved with other people, I'd only agree if you also want that, and you need to set some ground rules like how much you tell each other and what to do if a "side" relationship gets too serious. I'd say it's too risky with small children. Is he going to take a "break" from them, too?

Regardless, he should NOT be touching you sexually without consent. It sounds like you've asked him to stop and he still persists; don't underestimate how inappropriate this is.

I’m going through peri and this has changed me a lot. He doesn’t understand that and just says millions of other women are as well.

Those millions of other women probably don't want to have sex with him either.

Sadly this is true

I do love him still and I do want to be with him. I just want things to be how they used to me and I know we both need to change and work on it for that to happen.

Bu a break he means time to cool off and think about our future and if this is going to work. Not a break to see other people

You’re a fool OP. He’ll be fucking someone within a week. I guarantee.

Sorry op but you are being very naive.

So have a break from each other?

Can you get a babysitter over the weekend and have some child free time to discuss how to reconnect?

If you love him and see a future id be putting effort in to make things works. If he doesn't match your energy and is checked out you know it's over

So both take a break and work out whst you want t to have changed

so for you I think you need your role to be appreciated and seen as real. Him to step up and help and not just have his big job and understand that he needs to make changes too

the constant touching needs to stop as well sex needs to reset as well.

put your side forward because a break needs to be for both of you

To be honest this was the situation with me, my ex despised anyone capable of cheating, apart from having 1 hobby he came straight home after work and we did everything together. He still left me for someone else. Not saying this is the case for you but nothing surprises me anymore

“He works long hours, I work part time plus do all childcare and everything in the house. He does nothing except work.

Sigh…

He's cheating on you. Sorry you don't want to hear that.

But if he's working away frequently, that is a break, and time to think about things.
How exactly does he envisage this break working? Him taking more time out from family and the DC while you get on with it all?
I'd suggest you have a break as well, a weekend or 2 away, leaving him with the DC, while you recharge. Specify whether a break means free to see other people or not.
Sorry, I'm being a bit facetious here, I agree with everyone else that a "break" is code for shagging someone else, or wanting to end it but not having the gumption to say so.

My husband had no time for an affair either.

Twat.

Staying for the sake of the children is crap. Wrong. Stupid. When they find out they'll feel guilty, all you're doing is showing them how not to have a good relationship and making their childhood a lie.

Cheaters allllllllllways say they are “very against cheating “ —its a well known “tell.” Faithful people don’t need to make windy moral pronouncements about their faithfulness because they aren’t thinking about cheating in the first place.

Since when does being tired cause someone to grab someone else's genitals? He's disgusted at being denied the sex he feels entitled to and is punishing the OP for it. Don't make excuses for him.

He said last night when he gets back today he will take the kids Friday to Sunday to give me some time alone. He has an apartment that he rents out that came free this week so he will stay there for the weekend with the kids.

We've just got back from holiday last weekend and everything was fine then. Suppose things are different when you’re away. We are also going away next Thursday for 3 nights so not sure what will happen then

Step back from your feelings and see this for what it is: a power struggle.

Of course he doesn't want to live alone and have to parent his kids every other weekend.

What he wants is for you to panic and make concessions that benefit him without having to make a jot more effort.

He doesn't get a break. He's in or out and here are your terms for both so he has a week to make a choice.

Fuck him.

OP, the behaviour you’re describing is usually because there’s another woman on the scene/in the wings. The are, of course, exceptions to the rule.

I agree that a break to have space or cool off is different to a break that “allows” you to see other people.