DP wants a break doesn’t know what he wants

[boscher]

So dp of 20 years has given me the silent treatment since Sunday. He’s been working away, I’ve tried messaging and ringing asking why. He says he has nothing to say to me.

we had an argument Sunday and both said a few harsh words, I did raise my voice. He knows how to get in my head then blames it all on me for shouting.
The argument was no worse than ones we’ve had in the past.

He works long hours, I work part time plus do all childcare and everything in the house. He does nothing except work.
He says I’m miserable and never go near him for sex etc. He never comes near me unless he wants sex that’s the only time. If he does come near me he’s either touching my boobs or between my legs. Never just a kiss or cuddle.
Ive tried to tell him I’m burnt out and touched out from doing everything in the house and for the kids. His answer is that’s why I work part time.

We did have a really good relationship and sex life up until around a year and half ago. I’m going through peri and this has changed me a lot. He doesn’t understand that and just says millions of other women are as well.
Now it does really feel like we are only together for the kids. He’s said the same

So my question is what do I do? He’s said he wants a break. Do I agree to the break see how it goes or do I just say leave it then?

Id be no worse off without him that’s not an issue

isn't that a coincidence that his flat has become free for this weekend - does he airb&b it

do you believe he will come home after the weekend or do you think he may just drop off the children

and then he has the ' break '

Usual thing on MN. The bloke has heard its a shagfest out in the wild. Your choice OP. He already has one foot out of the door

and this is him setting the pattern of him having the children every other weekend...

They generally find out the grass is no greener

Fabulous, make sure to enjoy yourself.

Enjoy yourself even more knowing that he's playing on your feelings to frighten you into thinking he will follow through on a separation and that hes banking on you hating being alone whilst knowing he is hating the sole responsibility for the kids.

When he comes back, thank him, tell him it was just what you needed and clearly he did a great job with the kids and that the upcoming weekend away is a good soft launch for a permanent separation and so he should have them again then to start establishing that weekend routine and you can discuss how and when to tell them when you get back.

Get on the front foot if you want some credible negotiating power to put the willies up him that this will be his life.

Oh dear @boscher you do sound very naive, assuming your DP couldn't possibly be having an affair. All of his behaviour is screaming 'affair.'

There isn't a soul alive who 'doesn't have time for an affair.' He is absolutely seeing someone else, and you need to get your ducks in a row, because even though you say you want to make it work, and want to be with him, and you love him etc, he may not feel the same.

Why did you never get married? You will have way less rights and claim on anything of his. He sounds dreadful to be honest. Good luck. I'm sorry you are going through this. He is definitely cheating though - OR has met another woman and is planning on cheating (soon.)

Remember to set your boundaries/ expectations from the relationship - don't let it be him driving it.

Don't let this be him 'deciding' whether or not 'he ' wants a break or 'he' wants to make it work. This puts you on the back foot and let's him have his cake and eat it

You could say you also want a break while he thinks about whether he can do the work that YOU need from him

I'm afraid I would suspect he is considering sleeping with someone else if not already doing it - as men don't walk away to be on their own.

actually I think this is a good example of the subject of a thread recently about people giving up too easily and MN posters encouraging someone to LTB when it might be fixable. OP has said she doesnt want to leave, they have two v young kids and she has no "Spidey sense," of someone else. 18 months ago they were good. OP, outwith any further developments, you need some child free time to talk calmly, give him some info about peri and tell him he needs to accept and listen to what you are saying. Maybe you need to look at the overall logistics of both of your lives and redistribute some things, find some child free time to reconnect.

No he rents it out. New tenants are due to move in next weekend.
Im not sure what will happen after this weekend. He’s already had all week away from me with no contact except FaceTiming the children. He’s not spoke to me

If you don't want the relationship to end, then don't cut your nose off to spite your face by ending it completely.

I would agree to the break and work out how you can do it in a way that disrupts the kids the least.
Set rules like no seeing other people etc and how long it will be for and how often you will meet up etc.

Life is too short to be unhappy and so many couples waste their lives because they're too afraid of change.

I think it's slightly different @RhaenysRocks - the OP is being told to set her own boundaries and not just be pulled along by what this man is suggesting.

Men respond to clear boundaries and knowing that they risk losing their partner - they do not respect women who cry and beg and plead and allow them to have their cake and eat it.

The man in these situations needs to be given clear consequences - ie. if you want this to work, we need to spend time together - if you want this to work, I need a break you need to pull your weight

of course a couple with young children. need to put work in

but 'allowing' him to dick about, move out, spend time alone and not asking for commitment back or therapy time etc is not good either.

If he is avoiding speaking to you - I would be pressing him very clearly is he seeing someone else. Ask it calmly - you need to know.

I think you should have a break. You should go and stay with friends and leave him to sort all the house and kids stuff for a week. Let him see how hard it is.

Both me and my husband travel with work. We both do extra when we're around, both before and after, to try and minimise the impact on the other as we know that working, sorting everything in the house, taking kids to hobbies etc is so intense. So for example my husband will do my share of pick ups and drop offs for a few days if he is going away so I can catch up with stuff beforehand. He will often do extra for the people we lift share with as well so they can then do more when he is away. I will do some batch cooking for him if I'm going to be away for a few days. I think it's shit that your husband works away but then does nothing when he is back. So his contribution is financial and he works a certain number of hours. But you're expected to contribute financially, and do everything in the house, and do everything with the kids...even on days when you're both working or both off? I think that's fundamentally unfair.

I'm not sure what a break will achieve. I think if you agree to it you should have very clear conditions and expectations about what you want to achieve. Have a break where you both go away for a few days to think. And tell him you love him but the resentment of doing everything plus being expected to have sex without affecting is going to kill your relationship. If there is any chance of this relationship surviving you need him to commit to:

• x chores around the house
• x for childcare (involvement in hobbies, getting up early, family days out etc)
• you getting x days to yourself when he is around to do a hobby etc
• him organising a date night for you every second Wednesday or whatever including organising a babysitter
• him showing you affection without any sexual motive or expectation of sex
• constructive discussions about how you will split finances and child contact time if you both decide to split.

I'd use your time to investigate possibilities eg have an appointment with a solicitor, look into any benefits you may be entitled to, look into possible mortgages or rentals in the area you want to live etc

Basically you will be better off if you split as you will no longer be resentful, you will get a break every other weekend - nothing much changes for you as you do everything anyway and will still get a financial contribution from him. He will have to do a lot more than he does now, if he lives by himself.

Are you absolutely sure you still want to be with him, or is it habit and fear of not being with him? It might be worth taking some time, forget about what he's thinking, and really think instead about what you want. Exactly what you want. Then you can come back the table aware that you're not going to settle for less than that.

Yeah this. ^ I wonder if the OP is scared of being alone with the children, and being with her DP is a habit. With the way he behaves/is behaving, I can't imagine why she would want to stay with him.

I’m really not sure. Am I thinking I do want to be with him because he’s saying he doesn’t know? I feel like I need a break as well to have a good think and think is this what I really want. We have been together a long time so is it what I’m used to, is it what I really want. I need to think also

He works long hours, I work part time plus do all childcare and everything in the house.

This is something you also should revamp if the two of you are going to stay together. It can be really difficult to compare unlike jobs, but look for the efficiencies - just for example, being home more vs out more can impact who can more easily do certain household tasks like laundry or shopping. If you stay part time and he full, you'll logically end up with more than 50% of the housework and childcare, but he should also be doing half of what needs to be done when he's not working. One way to measure it is that each of you should end up with roughly the same amount of leisure time in a typical week. Also, there are serious career benefits to working full rather than part time, so it's not all one-way benefit to you that he "does" more; you're also making a big sacrifice.

Affair came to mind when reading this. Could just be an emotional affair at this stage. Might be wrong though we don’t know the whole situation.

I do agree that any break should not be him checking out for a family free monthly or two leaving the OP to single parent. A break from the relationship is one thing but he doesn't get to just dump everything. If he wants a taste of what divorced dadding looks like, he needs to kids 50/50 and doing their washing, taking them to an appointment all of it.

Cherchez la femme. Seriously. Protesting about how much he hates cheaters is a red flag. Men can find a way to cheat whatever the situation. Everything you have said points to an affair. I’m sorry. But first, what do YOU want from your life? Think about that then go and do it. You want a loving and understanding husband? Go and find one, it just isn’t your current one. What do you want your life to look like in 6 months, a year, 5 years? Go and make it happen. For you. Because no one else will. Put your energy into you and not someone who is treating you poorly

I'd be telling him to bugger off permanently. He sounds like a disgusting creep.

I think if he wants a ‘break’ he needs to move out properly, negotiate childcare arrangements, you stop doing everything for him and he’ll be rethinking pretty fast. Be very clear about what the terms are.

You give him everything a man could want. Love, children, childcare, a home, all the housework. What more could be possibly want? Apart from sex.

If he leaves, what does he gain? He loses everything. But he gains the opportunity for sex.

Men very, very rarely leave a comfortable setup where all their needs are catered for. Unless it’s for sex.

He works away about 50% of the time and has a flat that, according to him, has only JUST become free for him to stay in.

Sorry OP, it’s incredibly difficult to believe this isn’t about another woman.

If he wants a break then give him a break but I would be showing him the harsh reality of what being a single parent would be like and not making it easy for him.

If he’s away for two weeks then he has them the two weeks he’s back.

You sound so miserable, you're at a hard time of life and he's only adding to your misery. Seriously, you're giving him far too much of your power here, you need to put yourself first.

In a nutshell, if life with you is that bad for him then he can fuck all the way off. The grass might not be greener for him but I guarantee it will be for you.