DP wants a break doesn’t know what he wants

[boscher]

So dp of 20 years has given me the silent treatment since Sunday. He’s been working away, I’ve tried messaging and ringing asking why. He says he has nothing to say to me.

we had an argument Sunday and both said a few harsh words, I did raise my voice. He knows how to get in my head then blames it all on me for shouting.
The argument was no worse than ones we’ve had in the past.

He works long hours, I work part time plus do all childcare and everything in the house. He does nothing except work.
He says I’m miserable and never go near him for sex etc. He never comes near me unless he wants sex that’s the only time. If he does come near me he’s either touching my boobs or between my legs. Never just a kiss or cuddle.
Ive tried to tell him I’m burnt out and touched out from doing everything in the house and for the kids. His answer is that’s why I work part time.

We did have a really good relationship and sex life up until around a year and half ago. I’m going through peri and this has changed me a lot. He doesn’t understand that and just says millions of other women are as well.
Now it does really feel like we are only together for the kids. He’s said the same

So my question is what do I do? He’s said he wants a break. Do I agree to the break see how it goes or do I just say leave it then?

Id be no worse off without him that’s not an issue

I agree I would suspect someone else.
It doesn’t sound like you love him so I think get rid tbh!

I think the majority of the "advice" on here is very reactive and completely wrong.

You've given us your perspective - without the other it's impossible to comment properly either way.

Marriages take a lot of hard work, particularly when there are two young children and long working hours involved, and its easy for things to slip to the point you've got to now.

It sounds like couples counselling could be the most appropriate way forward for you.

He’s having an affair. These posts come up all the time and they’re virtually identical. One partner doesn’t want sex - other partner seeks it elsewhere. Next he’ll be telling you he loves you but he’s not in love with you. If you can, check his phone.

In my 30 years also of interacting with men I’ve discovered that actually that’s all They want you could live in an absolute shit hole contribute nothing And they do absolutely anything for you as long as you put out a couple of times a week

sounds like mine, I'm right off sex due to peri and I my moods have been all over the place, so I do take some responsibility

we have arguments every so often and I can understand it cause it can be 6 weeks since we were last intimate, and its him that makes all the moves, i'm not really interested anymore. also like you though, theres no foreplay which doesn't help. If he gives me a cuddle his hands start to wander, I keep saying maybe if he showed more affection some of the time I might be more open to sex

mine also doesn't see everything i do from the minute i get up with 3 adult children in the house, to the minute I sit down when he gets in and then huffs he has to put a washing load in because i had not got round to it.

for what it's worth I don't think yours is having an affair, i think he is probably just fed up. feel free to DM me if you want to chat as it sounds like we have it very similar

He's literally away

If you agree to the break make clear that does not involve either or you seeing new people and that would be a dealbreaker. It is just a break from family life stresses etc. Also insist on couple counselling.
He has to want to fix things and work on them, it won’t make any difference if he thinks this is just a you problem. I have seen couples come back from the brink but only where they both really put effort in and often made a significant life change eg changing job to reduce pressure.
But you are also perfectly entitled to say if you need a break to decide if you want us to be together then I deserve better and don’t come back.
The silent treatment is abusive it doesnt shout I want to make an effort to fix things.
How is life when he’s away? Is it a relief he’s not there?

He already spends alot of time away from you OP. (2 weeks a month) Is that not enough of a break? I think he's either already decided he wants out and doesnt have the balls to tell it to you straight, so is 'soft' launching him leaving you with this break.

Or he wants to sleep with someone else without having to feel guilty as you were on a break.

If you do have a break you need to have a clear conversation about what that means. Don't assume he knows sleeping with other people isn't acceptable, tell him it is. His reaction to that should let you know how he really feels.

Also ignoring you for most of the week and then grabbing your genitals expecting you to fall into bed with him is vile 🤢 You're a person not a hole for him to fill. You need to make that clear too.

Agree to the break and get your ducks in a row. Sounds like he doesn't like you much. Sounds like there's not much to like about him. Nothing to say to you? Neither do you to him.

Retrieve financial information.
Draft child contact proposal.
Make plan to accommodate you and children.

Who cares who else he is trying to bore to death? Live a happy life. Serve him once you've got your stuff sorted. Takes 2 seconds online. Pay the 500, worth it. Once you hit send you're divorced within 6 months. You can do the financial separation after this.

I think couples either stick it out and work on their problems or they give up on the relationship. Taking a 'break' from one another isn't going to help anything. How could it? I suppose once in a thousand times you could both realise that you miss one another dreadfully when you're apart, but more likely it's just the first step to breaking up entirely.

That said, he doesn't sound particularly great, anyway. Doesn't want to put in the work to maintain intimacy in your relationship or lighten your load, isn't sympathetic or understanding of the physical changes you're experiencing. Putting perimenopause aside, of course things change when you have two young children to care for! Relationships change with the phases of your life, and he's vastly unreasonable to expect you to be the same as you were before.

Agree with this. I don’t think you should throw away a 20 year relationship, especially when there are young kids involved, without seeing if you can work through things first!

I think you’re both exhausted, fed up and don’t talk to each other any more. I would recommend couples counselling to start with, before rushing into a divorce. Counselling doesn’t come cheap but divorce is costlier.

You can believe his version of a break if you want.

You probably shouldn't.

"Doesn't know what he wants" translates into he wants to give it a try with someone else, whilst holding you in reserve as a backup plan if it doesn't work out with her.

Tell him ok to the break, then quietly get your ducks in a row and disengage financially from him. He'll be spending on her, so just start divorce proceedings, you need that financial separation.

He's a sex pest and emotionally abusive, he's not going to play fair, so don't bother discussing next steps with him. Just get on with what needs doing. Transferring half the money into your sole account, getting the paperwork for his pension, payslips, and other savings and investments, getting the house valued, finding marriage certificate and solicitor for yourself etc.

Not to minimise OP, but post like this are so depressing, men who don't want the reality of normal life, and the way they are all basically sex pests and just expect us all to jump into bed after being groped at the kitchen sink, and apportion the blame into us when they do fuck all to help or be supportive.
I have no advice, but will say I never want to be in a relationship again and I am grateful every day I am happy alone.

Cherchez la femme, cherchez la femme.

If he gives me a cuddle his hands start to wander

I hate this so much. I used to be in a relationship like this where any sign of affection was taken as a green light to try it on. It was nauseating. And I left.

I don't think it matters whether or not you agree with it.

I totally agree. I find it so weird. I like people! I like the connection I form with friends, family and partners.

I don't think men feel that way on the whole.

Most of them want sex first and foremost, that's their deal-breaker. After a while when the novelty wears off, they CBA to put any effort into that either. They do basically just want a hole to fill, gross as that is. They get lazy and women start to feel used, because they are being used.

Men like the maid service of living with someone who can't stand lounging around in filth, so cleans up more than they do, but that's not a deal-breaker for them. They like laundry done and food miraculously appearing in the fridge, but they'd sort those things themselves if they had to. They aren't even grateful. The more you do, the more they take you for granted and start to feel (and act!) hard done by if you dare to get ill for a week and slack off while you recover.

They want the readymade company that comes with having a partner and children at home, but they don't actually care who those people are. So long as the children behave themselves and the partner puts out regularly, those people could be anyone. These men aren't interested in the connection with those particular people or any people, most of them don't seem to really have friends in the way women often do either.

Getting a family is like renting a flat or buying a sofa, to them. Necessities that makes life better, easier, more pleasant - but no real emotional connection there, so easy to discard if a problem crops up.

Honestly op, in your shoes, I'd say let's call it a day then. He sounds like a neanderthal and it doesn't sound as though there's enough there for you to fight for.

Seems like he's only interested in his dick so set it free.

You say you'd be no worse off without him. That speaks volumes.

Another possibility.

You are already the 'other woman' and he has another family when he's working away. Maybe even a wife - why you've never married?

This was the situation with a friend of mine - 5 children and she discovered, after 18 years, he had a parallel life, mirror image, with another woman. She thought he was just working away 2 weeks a month too.

There was a crisis of some sort so he needed to spend more time with the other family and it all was revealed.

100%

My ex was always vocal about his dad who cheated and left his mum with 3 kids - he would NEVER do it.

Am sure you know the rest ...

In the office you can spot the guys who cheat because they decorate their desks with pictures of their wife and family.

Life with kids is tough. Long marriages are tough.

I asked my DH’s grandmother what the secret was to a long happy marriage as she was married 50 years and she said it’s to accept that it won’t always be happy.

You say things haven’t been great for 18months but that’s really not all that long in the grand scheme of things. Especially when contending with raising young children.

If I were you I would try to find someone to take the children for a long weekend and spend some time together as a couple. And that doesn’t mean just shagging all weekend. But give yourselves time away from the house, the laundry, the kids, the chores to just be with each other and talk and connect.

Then see how you both feel. It will take both of you to want to stay together and work through the tough times.