To think men only respect women they aren’t attracted to?

[SharpTaupeCrow]

It seems like the second a woman is attractive to a man, she’s sexualised, underestimated or dismissed. The women men actually “respect” tend to be the ones they don’t desire. AIBU?

Mixed on this. I think a lot of men only "see" women if they are passably attractive. They'll dump important work on the 40+ ageing women who don't bother wearing stillettos any more but men's version of respect...that's a hard one to define really. Do you mean respect their intelligence? Act as if they are equals? Are nice to?

A lot of men I know respect physical strength in guys. It doesn't mean anything to women - other than they would be able to really hurt them - but it wouldn't necessarily equate to respect in the same way men seem to see it. Yes I suppose you'd say "all that time at the gym!" in awe from a male POV and "urgh, all that time at the gym!" from a woman who wants to travel, for example.

I find men and women are nicer to me because I’m attractive. Not because they want to fuck me necessarily. They tend to think I’m nice than I am too

Men are either:

A) The sort who respect women

or

B) The sort who do not respect women

If they are (B) they may be prepared to pretend to respect women to get what they want, but the cracks will soon show.

Oh, interesting. I always thought that men were less likely to ignore women they are attracted to. I do not mean disrespect, but I would say if a woman is not atractive, men are more likely to just ignore, even if she is their flipping manager! While if she is attractive, she does get their attention for the very same subject/ comment.

I've seen Youtube video by a (male) psychologist that dealt with exactly this topic. He claimed that respect and sexualisation cannot really co-exist, a man can either respect a woman, or want to fuck her brains out, but not both, at the same time. With a wife, he maybe needs to compartmentalise, so he can put aside the respect when he wants to let loose sexually.

However he also argues there is a difference between men and women in what they mean by respect. What women call "respect" is actually the absence of disrespect, which is not what men mean by respect. For men, you only "respect" someone who is extraordinary, or above you in some way. You don't "respect" an equal.

To put it another way, female "respect" is the human dignity and consideration that maybe everyone is entitled to, by default. Male "respect" is admiration for a superior being, who is exceptional in some way, and so does not apply to most people.

He sees it as problematic that boys are taught by their mothers to "respect" women, as they may misunderstand the message, and think it means they must suppress their sexuality at all times when dealing with women, even in a dating context where that might be highly counter-productive. The reason boys are confused is because in all situations where "respect" in the male sense occurs, sexual interest would be highly inappropriate. For example, respect for a teacher, respect for your boss, respect for a senior officer in the military, respect for a judge, respect for a politician, respect for the dead person at a funeral, etc.

@RetiredMan yes, I definitely see that what men think of as respect is not the same as female respect. I actually think it is because testosterone means men start off assuming they are slightly better than everyone else, regardless. So respect has to be a clear and obvious upgrade, because it is meant to be better than outstanding (as they see themselves). Looking UP.

Women however start off assuming they are either the same or slightly inferior to everyone else on some basic level. Kindness, intelligence, usefulness and friendliness (especially in the face of advsersity) are basically what I think women respect. Strength doesn't mean much on it's own, it's how you use it that counts; whereas men see strength first rather than the motivation and whether it's being used for good or bad. If that makes sense. Men can respect baddies in movies, whereas women would respect someone who made changes for the betterment of a group.

So if we start at such different points, we are unlikely to properly grasp what respect means for men or how to change mindsets about violence against women, etc.

I agree

Not in my experience 🤷‍♀️