The outcome of mum demanding payments each month

[Lifeisinshambles]

I sent her £100, long story short they’ve cut me off. They said I am a waste of time, there’s no pill that will fix me, and that they won’t be putting me in their wills.
I’m not sure really where to go from here. I’m rather upset but I don’t think I’ve really processed it yet as I haven’t cried or had any time alone to really think/feel.
Definitely a weird feeling. Any advice welcome

Well done darling ❤️

I dont know you but I am proud. I've been in a similar boat and I am estranged from my birth family, but in my 30s.

I know how scared you must be, but youre not alone. Loads of people go through this and create their own lives and families.

One of my favourite songs is 'Matilda' by Harry Styles. If you have time to listen, it might help.

Are you living in a city? You could try to find a support group for young women like you, there are bound to be loads.

But first of all. Block everyone associated with them. Make yourself a lovely meal, light a candle in bed and watch a box set or listen to some music.

You are free!

(Also, 'Free' by SAULT is worth a listen)

Oh, I’m so glad you’ve done this! Nothing was ever going to be enough for them and although you’ll find it difficult to start with, you’ll be able to look back and see this as the moment when your life suddenly changed for the better.

Please don't send her any more money. You owe her nothing. She should be utterly ashamed of her behaviour. She is exploiting you. I wouldn't dream of demanding back the money I have give my adult DD over the years. It's unthinkable.

Well done. Scary isn’t it? But it does get better. The truth is that you paid that debt a long time ago but your mother realised that she could carry on demanding money and you would keep paying her out of confusion and misplaced loyalty.
Take the good advice to be kind to yourself and organise some counselling.
The other thing I would recommend is to make a budget, you can find some free ones online, or use a pen and notebook. Be in control of your money now that you’re not sending a quarter of it to your mother. You’ll feel all the better for it.

Well done. I’m so sorry, it’s shocking how she is abusing you.

Go no contact and rebuild your life. Lots of love and mothering available on Mumsnet and you can find so much support from friends and neighbours of all ages.

I am so proud of you OP. It’s heartbreaking for you. But she has not behaved like a mum should, for years. You are losing the idea of a mum rather than a loving close mum.

Who knows what the future holds now. She would probably not have left you money anyway in the will.

Your mum would make your life harder not better. You will get through this. Lean on others and make a better life for yourself.

Well done. You are amazing x

They're a waste of time.
There’s no pill that will fix them.
You won’t be putting them in your will.

Sorted :) Take that therapy you've been offered.

Well done @Lifeisinshambles You will be sad at the moment, but you did the right thing. No-one deserves to have a Mother like you have. Stay strong and you will find that you will be much better off in a while, without being in contact. If she comes back to you, you can then decide whether to stay NC or if you do allow her back into your life, make sure you set strong boundaries and keep to the

I don't know you but feel very proud of you. Well done on cutting ties with your mum who sounds really toxic. It will feel weird at first but you will be able to breath easier not having her threats hanging over you and it will feel better every day. Save your money, def don't send her anymore... you've paid back enough already. Sending you best wishes for the future 💐💕

Don't send her any more money, ever.

I'm so sorry you've got such a shit mum.

Proud of you for drawing a line in the sand, even if I don't understand why you gave her another 100 quid!

You've done so well, despite your parents doing the opposite of what good parents should do. I'm glad you have a supportive boss, and I hope you end up surrounded with good, caring people. I think the first month you should spend some of the the money you would have given your mother on something totally indulgent, just for you!

Well done you - I read your previous thread and I was saddened by how your so called mum was treating you. It may be scary now but you don't need this toxic person in your life. I hope you're surrounded by people who genuinely care for you and have your best interests at heart
Best wishes x

I just had a quick look at your last thread - my gosh, you've done really well to pull yourself out of that situation! You (understandably) weren't in a good place when you left home, but you pulled yourself together and got to work, without any of the loving, unconditional support that young people are supposed to get from their parents... You deserve to feel really proud of yourself! 👏

You were being abused as a child, and she's been financially abusing you since - both by taking money off you, and by holding out the threat of being written out of her will (and have no doubt, she never had any intention of leaving you a penny - it would be a last act of spite to cut you off).

No one can tell you it's easy to get away from that sort of control and influence - it's always painful, like pulling off a sticky plaster - and you're probably struggling with all sorts of emotions now - but everyone who's done it will tell you IT IS SO WORTH IT!

Hang in there, stay firm and get through this, and I promise you your life will be more stable and peaceful and you will grow and develop as you should!

You are doing so well, good luck! 🤗💐

All power to your elbow, OP. I know you must feel hurt, everyone wants their mum to love and care for them. But almost certainly she will never be the mum you need her to be and you are better off looking after yourself without her in your life. I wish I could give you a big hug in real life. Consider us all your virtual mums. Please consider posting in the Relationships/Stately Homes thread as you will get a lot of support there.

AIBU can be harsh and unpleasant at times, but it is a testament to you and your situation that almost everyone even in AIBU is on your side. You go girl!
((( @Lifeisinshambles )))

On edit: I believe this is the latest thread https://www.mumsnet.com/talk/relationships/5365921-july-2025-well-we-took-you-to-stately-homes

I’m about to go into work so I will reply better later on.
In a way I do feel more free, but also very anxious. My partner is extremely supportive, he has been telling me much of what all of you have been saying for quite some time now. I am getting a bit anxious thinking about what would happen if my partner left me, if I lost my job etc, because then I would really have no one except a couple friends, one who I know I could rely on, the others I wouldn’t want to lean on too much.

It’s called win win, even though you can’t see it now.

Get some therapy and pray they don’t come back to continue to abuse and berate you.

your family wouldn’t in reality help you if you really had a problem so nothing has changed - don’t worry about that.

Have you looked at the stately homes thread on the relationship board? lots of people post there regularly about their experiences with toxic parents.

I remember your original post and was horrified that parents could be that cruel to their own child.
You more then paid back what you ‘owed’ not that most parents would have even dreamed of asking you to pay it back.
It may feel strange at the moment but you should feel so proud of yourself, you don’t need people like that in your life, regardless if they are ‘family’ or not.
Surround yourself with people who care, they will be the family you choose, rather then the hideous ones you were unfortunately born into.

Okay, but don't fall for the illusion of 'security' in your family... there is none there... Even without an abusive background, as we grow, it's natural for us to build our own life and networks, and this happens over years.

Meanwhile, you are a (clearly thoughtful and capable and likeable) adult, and you can look after yourself. You've already done so well from difficult beginnings!

Do some nice things for yourself this holiday weekend! Just little treats - don't need to be expensive - that show that you care about yourself and will always have your own back! ❤️

Do some deep breathing to help steady you.
This is a win.
Take one day at a time.
It is ok to grieve.
These are not good people.
Have you thought of contacting Women's aid for support?

I didn't read your other thread but it does sound like you'll be better off away from them in the long run.

Put your time and energy into your relationship and paying off your debt to them. Make sure you keep a list of how much you've paid off and just don't contact them again.

I think they might have done you a favour by removing themselves from your life.

You couldn’t rely on your parents even if they hadn’t “cut you off.”

They sounded abusive in your childhood and have continued, by the use of this ‘loan’ amount, to abuse you. Believe me, hard as it would be, you’d be better off on your own, even if you lost your work and boyfriend, than to have any kind of relationship with them.

Nasty, toxic people that don’t deserve to be called parents.

It's ashame she can't see these threads to see just how many people think she's in the wrong and toxic.

As the mum of a 20 year old. I know how difficult it can be navigating life on here. She is never off the phone needing advice/help with things and as her mum I'm happy to provide that. Please use here to post if you need any help/advice on anything.

I remember your thread and I commented on the time, your mother sounded vile and toxic as hell, making you pay stupid monthly payments for £10 here £5 there wtf does that! And she's loaded right? Disgusting behaviour from a mother. I agree that what most people said about it being a control thing, you've been cut free, absolutely embrace it, that's NOT how a mother should be! If and when you have children you will know how it should be and won't be anything like her!