The outcome of mum demanding payments each month

[Lifeisinshambles]

I sent her £100, long story short they’ve cut me off. They said I am a waste of time, there’s no pill that will fix me, and that they won’t be putting me in their wills.
I’m not sure really where to go from here. I’m rather upset but I don’t think I’ve really processed it yet as I haven’t cried or had any time alone to really think/feel.
Definitely a weird feeling. Any advice welcome

Well done. As ppl have said Such a unhealthily situation guided by your mum that is. Not you. She wanted you to have to need her. To rely on her. Get some financial advice if necessary but your money is your own and sit down with your husband and make a plan of outgoings etc with your husband. You've got this. other pp are right to say put a bit away right savings and right bank account. Ask for help from with your husband or citizens advice etc don't keep it yourself thats what your mum wanted remember for you to feel isolated and alone have then step in like a hero. She wasn't a hero she was a nasty piece of work. Be free. Be happy and lighter.

You deserved so, so much better than her OP. So strong of you to take a stand. None of it is your fault. It sounds like you have more than repaid any so-called ‘debt’.

Speaking from the experience of being blamed for someone else’s abusive behaviour and from being conditioned to accept blame for things that were not my fault; I found it really helpful to note down words of wisdom from others (therapist/friends/online advice etc) and to keep referring to it every time I was doubting or blaming myself.

I found this YouTube channel brilliant for healing and understanding narcissistic/emotional abuse:
https://m.youtube.com/@LookingBehindtheMirror/featured

No Advice. I just wanted to say I’m so proud of you love

shes lost control and thats what this is all about-dont send her any money-you dont owe her anymore

Just give it time OP, you did the right thing, which was shown by their reaction too!

if they have cut you off, don't pay them anything. Its your money to keep now.

Your parents could live into their 90’s. You need peace and a good life now.
Forget about the wills. No money is worth what you’re going through.
Without their abuse, you’ll have more money, be able to make plans for your future, invest in yourself and probably make more money throughout your lifetime than they could leave to you.
You’ll always be struggling with them in your life both financially and emotionally and this is the biggest obstacle to the amazing future you could have.
Well done.

Firstly op congratulations on finally standing up for yourself, such a long time coming and so important.

Secondly, maybe your lack of tears and upset is your real self responding with calm clarity. You know on some level this is best for YOU.

Do not fear they will be back in touch when they realise you aren’t going to panic and rush back. Please hold them away from your life. Keep them away from everything you are building up from scratch.

Can I say gently that they were never your safety net op. If you lose your job you will get another. If your relationship ends, then you will go out with some friends - dust yourself down and carry on. You are a survivor and have come through far worse than anything an employer or boyfriend can throw at you. Know that in your heart. You can do life. You are stronger than you realise. One day you will hold your own baby and realise how awful they truly are.

Not mean to patronise you, but when you are a great mum, you will FULLY realise how absolutely toxic and nasty your mother is.

When you genuinely love your children, you wish the best for them always, no matter how they drive you mad at times.

The love runs too deeply, to the core of your being.

Focus on mothering yourself by being kind and loving to you.
We are here for you.
You sound like an amazing young woman.
👏👏👏

My mother charged me around £150k to cover the cost of raising me (I was the oldest, her other children were not charged a penny) and that was back when it was much cheaper because children didn't have anything - I had no childcare paid for me I was left walking to school alone at 4, same for nursery before that and I was the childcare for my younger siblings.

I paid it but looking back I wish I hadn't bothered.
It was back when I was younger and believed somehow she would be the mother she should have been.

She died a couple of weeks ago and it was a massive relief to me, I've been waking up every morning with Bobby Cliffs "Lovely Day" playing in my head and feel as if a massive weight has been lifted.

I had no idea how much existing in a world with a mother who doesn't love her child can hurt until she died and I realised she can't ever hurt me again.

She wrote me out of her will of course, just as soon as my dad passed away 3 years ago and I hadn't heard a word from her since the day he died.

Move on and stop paying her.
One day you will have your own children and you will love them so much you'll finally realise you haven't done anything wrong, your mother just let you down and was never the mother she should have been.

@HumanRightsAreHumanRights Jesus I'm sorry. Some women truly do not deserve the title mother. Appalling. I hope you had someone in your life to love you, and some loving aunts or other older women around you.

Your original thread made me feel so sad: Not just because your mum has failed you so badly, but more from a feeling that any young person in the clutches of a person like that, will likely not be brave enough to escape.

You did it! You are a strong woman and your future children are going to have a great mum. Like previous posters have said: Having a tough childhood leaves you battered, but gives you a lot of clarity and insight into how to parent your own children.

Sorry for not replying sooner, I’ve read all of your messages and I wanted to say thank you.
It’s now been 9 days since the last contact with my parents I believe.
Feeling very very upset about it all right now. I’ve still got the anger in my head that is telling me, if they want to cut me off then so be it etc.
But that is very different than the reality of what I’m actually thinking and feeling.
Just had TV on in the background, I sort of zoned back in without realising, and found myself watching one of those shows where they go and pick out a wedding dress with their family. Really is hitting quite hard that this won’t be the case for me, if and when I get married.
Feeling so very sad about it all.

Oh, Love, I am so sorry. Being cut off from family is difficult - even if there are cast iron reasons for it. Get as much support around you as you can because this loss of family will keep popping up - and it can hurt. But you deserve better - giving birth does not give permission to treat people like shit.

Thank you.
Starting therapy on Monday so I’m sure they will help me unpack it. There’s lots to unpack though!

That is sad. However, remember your family wedding dress outing wouldn’t have been like a tv show- at least not a nice one.

Your DM would have argued about whether the shop/dress/time you were thinking of was ok, she’d have told you you were trying on the wrong dress, paying too much/little, looked too fat/skinny and marrying the wrong man.

So you didn’t have that lovely event in your future anyway.

I’m glad you have therapy waiting for you. I’m sure it will be interesting. You may well end up much happier.

That is likely true. Except she could be so nice too. Almost worse than her just being nasty 100% of the time.

I do hope the therapy is successful

When I was a foster carer we were taught that inconsistent parenting was the hardest for dc. An angry parent was predictable you knew how to handle it. One who alternated between unexpectedly loving and unexpectedly angry was very hard to keep yourself safe from. Very damaging.

And in your case I think, deliberate. Keeps you off balance. Makes you think it’s your fault, makes you try harder to please.