The outcome of mum demanding payments each month

[Lifeisinshambles]

I sent her £100, long story short they’ve cut me off. They said I am a waste of time, there’s no pill that will fix me, and that they won’t be putting me in their wills.
I’m not sure really where to go from here. I’m rather upset but I don’t think I’ve really processed it yet as I haven’t cried or had any time alone to really think/feel.
Definitely a weird feeling. Any advice welcome

Well done. Your hurt naturally they're your family. It in the long run its a blessing. I refer yourself for councilling to help you process it all. Crack on and make a life for yourself.

Don't send any more money. You do not owe any more than you have already paid.

Your mum's response is classic DARVO abuse (Deny, Attack, and Reverse Victim and Offender) - in fact, trying to create a positive relationship with your mum is a waste of time, and there is no pill that will fix her, nothing you can say or do to make her behave in a reasonable manner.

You probably need some counselling to help you integrate your understanding that there's no hope of her changing, and that it's not your responsibility to change or fix her and no obligation to have her toxic influence in your life.

Don't give a moment's thought to being disinherited. Their wealth will probably all get spent on care home fees anyway so its no loss.

Some people don't deserve to have children. This is not your failing.

Hi Op, I followed your last thread and wanted to add some words of support. I imagine right now you might feel a bit numb as you try to process this outcome. I’ve found in my own life a few things that I hope might be helpful to share. The first being, that when we grow up with toxic parenting it’s impossible to see it for what it is fully in that moment. It takes time to unpack the reality, as it has taken years and years of manipulation, gaslighting or other forms of emotional abuse for them to attempt their control and harm. Right now you might find yourself questioning whether what your mum is saying is true. It’s not. She will want you to believe it. Especially now she feels her grip of control has loosened. There will be grief, of the mum you never had. The mum you’ll never have in your future, and the sadness as you come to terms with the abuse and loss of a loving mum of the child and now adult you, who deserved so much more. None of this was your fault. Some of us get dealt bad cards with parents. Many of us who are not cut off or decide to walk away in our younger years see this pattern of behaviour attempted towards our own children from said parent. You will be free from that possibility. There is a lot to come to terms with as the full extend and reveal of your experiences with you mum surface. She has treated you appallingly. There is a freedom and a life beyond this. A beautiful life where you no longer hear her abuse, experience her manipulation. You will instead now have the opportunity to live a life where you build your self love, feel proud of who you are and move forward to have healthy, loving relationships. Ironically her cutting you off is the best thing she could ever do for you. And every penny you earn will be a penny towards your own beautiful life. Sadly there will be reasons she became as she did, but these are not for you to fix. I wish you the courage to see this as the opportunity that it is. Not having loving, supportive parents is incredibly hard at any age. But having one like her throughout your life, could risk your whole life experience, decades and decades of it. She ironically offering you a gift. I hope you walk away and start today with your next best step into your future. Find a therapist if you can for 18-25year olds there may be specific services your GP can point you towards or you can find online. You deserve all the happiness in world.

Well done op

Fwiw I have been no contact with my own mother (who is also a disgrace of a parent) for 8 years now and I am doing just fine

Sending you a big hug. Your parents have behaved horrendously, selfishly and cruelly. But they are still your parents and of course it's going to hurt when they reject you regardless. You will be grieving no doubt, grieving the relationship you never had and wanted; this is simply more confirmation that they are not the good parents you deserve and can't be there for you.

Give yourself grace and time.

You mentioned counselling was on the cards, my advice is to be completely honest with them and start to process the trauma you have. Can you spend £100 of the money you'd usually give to them on something for yourself?

I hope you’re ok. I remember your thread. Your mother is horrible

Also, won’t you now have more money?

So proud of you!
Take a deep breath, this will all be ok.
Go for a walk and use a bit of that money you're saving to get a coffee/tea/slice of cake and have a moment to be you

Well done!

Hopefully now you can also start to build up some savings for yourself so that you have a financial buffer if times are hard and you’re never tempted to ask them for money again.

I read your previous thread and just wanted to say well done for standing up to your mum. She was almost certainly exploiting you and the debt had been repaid a long time ago.

I am sure it will feel really awful for a while. But with time and distance I think you will come to realise how badly you had been treated and how you are better off without her. If you can afford it, I suggest starting therapy to help you process it all. It will work better now she is out of your life and stop you from falling for any of her new tactics.

Good luck OP. And well done again.

Please stop sending her a single penny now, you have paid your debt. She is a bad mother.

Save the money or spend it on some counselling to try and work through the rejection. Focus on your future, your partner and job, build your own family.

OP - how you are expected to react to this by your mum (and dad). You are expected to be panicked and wanting to win them back, you are expected to feel like you need them and need the safety net they give. You are expected to beg them to speak to you, to apologise and to continue to give them the money they demand so that you have to borrow again each month and continue their control over you.

Stop. Accept their cutting off, don’t try to win them back. Do not apologise. Dont try to contact them.

What will happen next- when you don’t respond to the silent treatment the way you are supposed to (begging them to forgive you), you’ll get the “flying monkeys”. Family members will be told how terrible you have behaved but not just to cut you off too, they’ll be tasked with contacting you to tell you to apologise and give your mum money she says you owe with no questions. This is how you know it’s a task set by your mum, if she was just “done with you” she’ll tell them not to talk to you, if she’s just playing games and actually really wants contact with you (but on her terms and her in control), she’ll get others (wider family, your dad) to contact you to tell you to apologise.

Stand strong. Save your own money.

You have done the right thing.

Take some time to grieve - not for losing the relationship that you actually had, but you need to grieve for the relationship you should have had, and for that hope that somebody she would be a good mum.

Talking it through with a therapist may help. Otherwise there are a lot of people on here who are estranged from family members and you will find a lot of support.

Peace and healing to you.

She doesn't owe any more money - based on figures provided, all debt is paid and "DM" is basically a lone shark. Well done OP! Regardless of what they do now, DO NOT give any more money. Not a penny. Create your own life.

Is there a previous thread to read for context please?

Well done op, does it not feel like a "weight off", if it doesn't today, it definitely will in coming months.
Do not give her another penny!!!
Ps
If you live in Scotland you cannot disinherit your children
Good luck in your future xx

It’s here: https://www.mumsnet.com/talk/am_i_being_unreasonable/5392432-mum-demanding-payments-each-month

You’ve done the right thing. Please don’t send her another penny. She owes you!

No one “lends” their teenager £2 here and there, you give it to them. She is an abusive weirdo.
Please seek therapy now if you haven’t already. It’s really important and never speak to that woman again. ❤️

This.

It will be absolutely great if she never contacts you again - you would be free!

But I suspect this won't be the end of the matter. Family members or friends will be contacting you and telling you to apologise to her.
(They are called "flying monkeys" after the monkeys in the film The Wizard of Oz - messengers and servants of the evil witch).

They have cut you off, now you have to cut them off.
Don't contact any of them, ever. Block them on everything.
End it.

Then move on with your life, free, and with more money.

Spend the money you used to send her on getting a good counsellor for therapy - try several different ones if you don't 'click' with the first one you visit.

Well done OP, I know it probably doesn't feel like it at the moment but you've done the right thing. With some time and space you'll be able to see how toxic your mum is.

It's sometimes difficult for children to see how bad their parents behaviour is and they blame themselves. There is the feeling that they are the one in the wrong because that is the message they've been given by their family. But you're not, you're not a waste of space and there is nothing wrong with you (except the damage they have done to you).

It sounds like you are a very strong person for someone so young, many people don't escape their toxic families until much later, if at all. So you are doing amazingly well.
It may feel very uncomfortable for a while, like you are in the wrong, but this is just the way you have been brainwashed and what you are used to. This will fade with time and you will replace it with a new way of being.

There are lots of organisations that offer counselling and support for young people so please take advantage of this, you deserve to be helped after what you have been through. It will help you unpick the dysfunctional behaviour you have had to put up with from your family and help you process your feelings.

Agree with this too. Flying Monkeys is a term I learned through MN after my “D”M behaved in a very similar way to the one you’ve described only she uses her friends as well.

Just to add OP - doing as commanded wouldn't guarantee an inheritance. You really can't trust this woman.
Also, no one's house or money is safe from care fees.
The money you no longer have to hand over is your "inheritance". Best of all, you can have ir now, when you actually need it!!

You've paid any debts. You don't owe them anything any more. Not loyalty, not money, not so much as a phone call.

I've 'lent' my children money over the years, if it comes back I'm happy, if it doesn't then I'm happy that I could provide it when they needed it. Your mother has been using you as a cash cow for years, now it's your time to enjoy your own money and leave them to wallow.