The outcome of mum demanding payments each month

[Lifeisinshambles]

I sent her £100, long story short they’ve cut me off. They said I am a waste of time, there’s no pill that will fix me, and that they won’t be putting me in their wills.
I’m not sure really where to go from here. I’m rather upset but I don’t think I’ve really processed it yet as I haven’t cried or had any time alone to really think/feel.
Definitely a weird feeling. Any advice welcome

Re your second post, it’s an illusion that your mum would have been there to support you if for example your partner left. She would exploit you again as she has already and you will most likely be in a worse place. I am saying this from experience by the way, people who use money to control people will always do that and they will always exploit a crisis.
You need to believe that you will now be in a stronger position if something bad happens because you won’t be drawn back into the control. The chances are that nothing bad will happen, you will become more independent and be able to own and shape your future with the support of a lovely partner and your close friends. Thats actually a strong support network you just can’t see it right now.

She is a cunt.

Hi OP, I remember your original thread and was impressed at how you had coped with everything thrown at you. I really hope you manage to break free now.
You know, as others have said, that if you stand strong and don't try to regain her favour she WILL attempt to bring you back into the fold on her terms again via some tactic - please don't fall for it I beg you. If you can, I would take the money she continues to try to exhort from you - you do NOT owe her anything - and put in into some sort of investment vehicle. Every time she tries to manipulate you with withdrawing inheritance (yeah right) or lack of her potential support in a time of crisis (yeah right), you will be able to look at your nest egg and think THAT is my inheritance and safety right there.
And please please please no more money to your mother - when she comes back to you I'd give her a bill for all your costs up to 18 that she should have paid and supported you instead and tell her to pay that off first!

Thank you
She actually told me yesterday when it all erupted that ‘hopefully your children will ruin your life over the years and mug you off thinking you have anything between you as you’ve done’

That bit really hurt tbh!
I dream of becoming a mum, and I know I would do things so differently to her, I can’t imagine doing some of the things she’s done to me, to my own children

I’m proud of you OP! She is saying nasty things to try and get you back under her thumb. She might say more nasty things to you as she realises she’s lost her grip and it is worth preparing yourself for that. But you’ve done it, you stood up to her, and I promise you can keep doing it. Well done.

Your mum is a greedy nutjob. She was happy to keep her DD in poverty, whilst she has ££ through inheritance and your 400 per month. You've done nothing wrong. As her dependent child she wants pocket money back with interest. Encouraging you to borrow off her for a car! She is a nutjob. And a nasty conniving one at that.

Draw a line under the money. That is over. Repaid (more than) in full.

You are not a waste of time. You don't need any pill to 'fix' you.

They are abusive.

But you are likely damaged from it. You had an instinct that your DM was in the wrong, and you have taken a brave step. I would also suggest counselling, with some of the money you will NOT be paying her. Consider it an investment in you. Google Desiderata.I

Sometime in the future, if you are a parent, you will see clearly, that your mother is abusing you. 100% of Mumsnet aren't wrong.

Have your answer ready for when the flying monkeys show up. "I've paid back x100 per month for x years, having left home as a minor with minimal financial support. The 'support' I did receive became a loan - with no final payment. I reckon I've repaid £££ which is more than i ever received" .
Or keep it simple. " I've repaid £££. I am done".

Yes absolutely agree....don't care who they are...Mother Father Partner or any other family....stand up ...and never be bullied again ...wishing you a peaceful and happy life

Well done, OP

She is toxic, hateful, spiteful and narcissistic and wants to keep you under her control. Take the opportunity to block her and anyone who supports her on everything. Listen to your partner who has been telling you the same thing.

Now is the time to look at how she's messed with your head, realise you don't want to be like her, you don't want your children to have that kind of relationship with you, and look to have a better, happier life with your family. Then start building on your own circle of healthy people to have in your life.

Good luck.

Keep saving the money. Put it into an ISA or similar and let it build up. A) you then have a financial cushion in the event of an emergency and B) emotionally it will make you feel much more secure in your decision to cut someone so toxic out of your life.
Your partner sounds great. Listen to him and get on and have a long and happy life.

Just want to say you are not a waste of time. The way your parents are treating you is a big problem with them, not you.

I'm so sorry this has happened to you, it is so hurtful.

Cross post with your update. You have enough insight and courage to be nothing like her.

2 solid people in your life, that you can rely on, is enough. A wider circle of friends is good. This is a healthy place to be. Your boss is supportive too.

Children don't ruin normal people's lives. Your mother is the problem. You will be a great mum ( which is actually not that hard - just don't be a narcissistic nut job!)

There is no pill to fix you BECAUSE YOU ARE NOT BROKEN. You are also not bad, useless, a failure, or whatever spiteful crap they spout.

YOU ARE GREAT. Not perfect, (no one is) but just fine. The fact they cant see that is about them, not you. The more time away from their distortions the more you will be able to see that.

Sorry for the caps, but it is important. Wishing you all the best.

I had a mother who kept a ledger on every single thing she spent money on for me. I mean not just every ice cream or holiday but every meal would have the cost plus gas and electricity used. She also was extremely well off (But that was because she never spent anything)
When I got a job she looked up the rate for a 1 bed flat in the extremely high prices area we lived and charged me a weekly rate that was about 30% more than my weekly take home pay. Then asked that I pay for a share of the food bill on top, not that I ate that much when at home. Then she got dramatic and screamed at me for daring to move out to a shit area because it was cheaper than living at home.
I never borrowed money from her because I knew she would look up what interest rate for a loan would be and apply that to every single penny I borrowed.

When I went NC and moved 250 miles away without a job the freedom and the weight I had been carrying around with me my whole life lifted off me.

My own mother made threats about wills but I knew I wasn’t ever in her will in the first place.

She cared more for her family, sisters brothers their children, her father and mother, than she did for me. I know this because she told me so and didn’t see anything wrong with that because it was obvious she would as she had known them longer than me.

She also said that I would be a shit mother. FWIW my now adult children think I am a brilliant mother. I just do everything the exact opposite of what she would do.

Your mum is a nasty piece of work. You haven’t said I don’t think, but you absolutely must block her.

She doesn't sound anything like a caring mother. You are honestly well rid although I know you will feel sad as it's natural to hope that she'll suddenly redeem herself and become the person she should be. She won't.
Feel sad, grieve, and move on and put your trust in friends who care about you.
Oh, and definitely don't send her any more money. You don't owe her any more debt, physically and emotionally.
Heartfelt good luck for the future

Abusive, toxic people are like drinking poison and dying slowly. They eat you up from the inside out. Make your own life @Lifeisinshambles I speak from a lot of experience.

My husband and I have this on both sides. My husband’s father is a millionaire but no amount of money would keep us in touch with him. I don’t have my family of origin in my life because of childhood abuse. It sucks not to have gotten that happy family at the start of life but I have a fabulous life now. I love my husband, my children, my job, my friends, my hobbies. Life is amazing now once I processed the grief.

Ha, the last gasp of the manipulative parent as they lose their grip on you!

In some other countries you are legally not allowed to cut your children off unless they are convicted of a crime. Because as the child, you are the heir of your parents.

It is the patents' legal and moral responsibility to pay for their children's upbringing in every country I've ever heard of.

Your mother has something very wrong with her personality and her moral and legal understandings

Just want to say that perhaps you need to keep reminding yourself that cutting them out of your life does NOT mean that you are wrong, broken, at fault or that you need 'fixing'. Your 'mother' is at fault and is a nasty, self-centred, manipulative and thoroughly unpleasant person. I honestly don't see how you could possibly have a relationship with any of them though you may think that if you keep trying it will magically get better. We're all telling you that it won't and that your life can only improve now. You are very young to have to go through the awful realisation that your mother doesn't love you when she, of all people, should.

So, as I am old and all of my children are long gone, I'd like to apply for the temporary position of Remote Mum please, I'm very proud of you and right behind you sweetie ❤️

I am pleased to read this, you are such a strong person.

when you are ready, think about finding a therapist, or a low cost therapy agency, and try to do some work on childhood trauma and attachment. That will help you process some of this and move on. Your mum does not deserve you.

Girl....you've made it. You've made it, darling....be free

I agree with this. Keep saving that money. If it helps you can save it for your future children. Your mother will never be normal, or kind, or loving. So she will never have some kind if deathbed conversion and regret or repair the relationship. Some animals go down biting like mad dogs. That is her. Just walk away as you would from a rabid animal.

i am so pleased to read this. When you have time and space, think about therapy, focused on attachment and childhood trauma. It might help you process this and come to terms with it. Sending you so much support.

Now you know, if you didn't already, that they see you as a cash cow and are nothing short of obnoxious with it.

It's painful but you know you've done the right thing. 💐

Proud of you for taking your stand. Like others, I don't think it's about the money but more about having control over you. I know it probably feels daunting now to not have her in your life - that's part of the control she's worked on you. Complete strangers on here are supporting you, are confident in you. You'll be fine, you'll be great!