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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To think siblings should share toys

123 replies

nutellllla · 22/08/2025 06:41

Had a recent discussion with DH on this and we can’t agree on the best approach regarding this, so looking for opinions!

My husband believes that while it should be encouraged that our kids share toys, it is ultimately up to them if they want to share and shouldn’t be forced. I, on the other hand, believe that there shouldn’t even be an option NOT to share, and the toys are ‘family toys’. This of course raises questions such as what happens with birthday presents, what if one child breaks the toy that belongs to the other etc.

As a disclaimer, I am an only child, he has an older sister, and this is purely hypothetical right now as our kids are 18 and 2 months old!

Like I said, looking for opinions either way!
YANBU - they should be made to share
YABU - toys should be individual and shared only if they want to do so

OP posts:
CommissarySushi · 22/08/2025 06:43

YABU. As one of four, it's important to have your own toys and belongings. Some "family toys" are fine, but not all and they shouldn't be made to share all the time.

Twistedfirestarters · 22/08/2025 06:45

Yabu. Can you imagine having to share every single thing you own? Never having anything to call your own? It's daft. We had 'sharing toys'. Things that the older siblings had grown out of that we encouraged them to share and things that were just theirs. It worked well.

missrabbit1990 · 22/08/2025 06:46

You’re completely wrong, there should be both family toys and individual toys. If they want to share the individual ones great but they don’t have to.

Cliffedge25 · 22/08/2025 06:49

Choose your battles because this was for me the most stressful tantrum trigger.
The screaming and throwing themselves around when little, horrendous.

Its all well and good what you “believe” should happen, but in practice this is bloody hard work when they are small/toddlers.

You can teach them kindness, respect and how to be thoughtful and considerate of others when they are able to comprehend better.

Also I think that they need to have things that are their own. That no one else can have.

Whatbloodysummer · 22/08/2025 06:49

I think a bit of both is the ideal?

Kids should absolutely have sole ownership of special things e.g A favourite toy, comforter, birthday gift etc.

But they should also be encouraged to share 'most' toys?

Think about it like this, you share things with your DH, e.g furniture, car, food etc, but you have some things that are 'yours' and you wouldn't share e.g personal products, phone, clothing, special gifts etc

Your kids need the same, some things are 'special' and aren't for sharing, but most toys are to be shared.

Both kids should have a personal storage place/box where the 'special' things are kept, and they are 'off limits' to their sibling. All other 'shared' toys are kept together somewhere they both can access at any time.

doodleschnoodle · 22/08/2025 06:50

We have family toys that are for anyone, these live in the playroom, and individual toys that tend to live in each child’s room and are just for them.

PollyBell · 22/08/2025 06:50

I have my own things as adult why are children different?

Lambtangine · 22/08/2025 06:51

I agree with a pp that it has to be a bit of both.

but kids definitely need their own toys. Imagine if someone took your kids favourite cuddle toy and threw it away or destroyed it. Their precious sleep aid.

Glittertwins · 22/08/2025 06:51

Having had twins, it was quite important for us that they also had their own toys, even if we had two of some rather large things.

Lambtangine · 22/08/2025 06:51

doodleschnoodle · 22/08/2025 06:50

We have family toys that are for anyone, these live in the playroom, and individual toys that tend to live in each child’s room and are just for them.

Edited

This is what we did.

itsmeits · 22/08/2025 06:53

The PlayStation that farther Christmas delivered family toy addressed to all 3.
The switch the middle one spent her bday/xmas/spend on hers.
The eldest has a DS again his he might share with sisters sometimes but it is his

TrivialSoul · 22/08/2025 06:54

When mine were young we had a toy box in the living room with shared toys and then they both had their own toys in their room that they brought downstairs to play with or played in their rooms. We encouraged them to play together and encouraged sharing but also encouraged advocating for themselves. There is nothing wrong with having precious things that you don't want others to play with/potentially damage. What we didn't allow was taunting over these toys, they were removed if that happened. As they grew up they shared well (mostly!) but also had respect for their siblings possessions. I definitely think that they need to have a mix of shared and individual toys.

Pricelessadvice · 22/08/2025 06:55

Some toys should be individual. Some kids don’t treat toys as well as other kids do and it can cause a lot of distress to see toys broken or played with harshly.

We had some communal toys but most were our own.

Needspaceforlego · 22/08/2025 06:56

You need to encourage sharing but ultimately it needs to be the kids own decision to share.

In theory lego could be shared but think of the fights if one has built something and the other pulls it apart because they want that particular part?

Most toys will be acquired at Birthday or Christmas so how would you even address that? You give them something but its a 'family toy'.

Rozendantz · 22/08/2025 06:56

Your approach makes no sense. How would this work at Christmas or birthdays? "Here you go DC, happy birthday. Oh look, your brother is enjoying playing with your brand new toy, how lovely! Oh - he's broken it, what a shame...still, it's a family toy and these things happen..."

Give your kids their own toys!

disappointedconfused · 22/08/2025 06:58

I have 3 children including a set of twins . What’s the point of buying them individual bday or xmas presents if you then say to them oh no they are “family” toys. They should have their own toys but be encouraged to play together sharing toys but ultimately you can’t and shouldn’t force them.

arcticpandas · 22/08/2025 06:58

As a mum of two boys: some toys should be "share" toys (think Lego Duplo, building blocks) whereas others are personal and need to be asked for. Do you share all your personal belongings with your husband? Ofcourse not. But if he asks I'm sure you will lend him whatever it is.

myplace · 22/08/2025 07:02

You need to teach children to share, AND to respect other people’s belongings.

How to you teach them not to take other people’s stuff if they don’t know what that means?

Ideally you encourage generosity in your dc so they like to make each other happy and share things with people they love.

That’s not at all the same as communal everything, you must share whether you want to or not.

Moonnstars · 22/08/2025 07:03

Both. Some toys will be sharing while others will be their own.
I wouldn't buy two of a bigger item, we had a toy kitchen that was bought for my daughter's birthday, her brother still played with it too. I think for something like that it would firstly be annoying having two of the same item, and secondly this kind of toy is boring on your own. They both enjoyed it together.
I wouldn't expect them to share their favourite soft toys. If it's a craft kit that does one thing again I wouldn't expect to share, the other could possibly watch (thinking the science type kits you get).
It's definitely easier when they are younger to share and there are less than 2 years between my children so they were always happy to play together.
I think as I do have a boy and a girl when it came to gifts people would give stereotypically girl/boy stuff so that probably helps distinguish between the toys and as they have got older they wouldn't always want what the other had. My daughter loved dolls, her brother could have played with them but rarely did.

Bearbookagainandagain · 22/08/2025 07:05

Depends on the age and the toys I think. And I have 4 siblings.

Our kids are toddlers, most of toys are "family toys" even if they were originally bought for one child, with the exception of 1-2 toys. But even those we generally ask them to share (not soft toys and comforters obviously).

I think as they grow older this will change though and they'll have more personal toys they care about.

GleisZwei · 22/08/2025 07:09

While some toys can be shared or even work better that way, I really do think it's incredibly important to have certain toys that belong to just one child. It doesn't have to be expensive or a lot of different toys, but I feel it's quite odd, even cruel, to make them share everything.

tripleginandtonic · 22/08/2025 07:11

At those ages they share. Mine always did. As they get older then birthday presents etc are theirs and they can expect to be asked to play with them. No big deal, it happened quite naturally in our house

Planktonplank · 22/08/2025 07:12

Like others we've got a mix, most toys are shared but they have their own special toys. DS got a Switch for his last birthday, he has some special Lego sets he's built, those are his toys and he keeps they separate whereas if they get cars, dinosaurs, puzzles, dressing up etc it largely goes in boxes for everyone to play with. They do remember who's toy is whose but don't mind sharing. We have limited space so I generally store toys by type rather than owner unless I know they are special to either DC.

Simonjt · 22/08/2025 07:13

@nutellllla Are all of your belongings yours, or are they family belongings?

MumbleJumble123 · 22/08/2025 07:14

We have ‘sharing toys’ that both children are free to play with. Usually bigger items or things we don’t want multiples of e.g. toy kitchen, dolls house, trampoline, big box of Duplo etc.

We encourage my son to pass down any toys and books that he has grown out of to his sister, but he’s still welcome to play with them if he wants to.

However, they also have their own special toys that belong to them and they get to choose whether they share. I think it’s important for them to have their own things (especially because my son is 2 years older and has toys/books that his baby sister would ruin, whereas he’s old enough to treat them nicely).

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