To think siblings should share toys

[nutellllla]

Had a recent discussion with DH on this and we can’t agree on the best approach regarding this, so looking for opinions!

My husband believes that while it should be encouraged that our kids share toys, it is ultimately up to them if they want to share and shouldn’t be forced. I, on the other hand, believe that there shouldn’t even be an option NOT to share, and the toys are ‘family toys’. This of course raises questions such as what happens with birthday presents, what if one child breaks the toy that belongs to the other etc.

As a disclaimer, I am an only child, he has an older sister, and this is purely hypothetical right now as our kids are 18 and 2 months old!

Like I said, looking for opinions either way!
YANBU - they should be made to share
YABU - toys should be individual and shared only if they want to do so

Thanks, I soon guessed that - hence the grin - but that was my instant confusion on first reading it!

No. Each child should have their own toys, or at least a few that are dear to them and they shouldn't be made to share them.

For reference i have 2 boys 2 years apart.

I think theres a balance to be had. Most toys in our house were just in toy boxes and were shared. Yes, a specific lego set might have technically been DS1s, but all the lego was in one box and they played with it. Only rule was that you couldn't break something the other had built. And the first time a set was built was by the 'owner'. That said, DS1 outgrew lego quite quickly. DS2(18) saves and spends every spare penny on it.

Playmobil was technically DS2s, but they played with it together. It's more fun that way anyway.

Special toys, such as cuddly toys didn't have to be shared though.

When DS1 was 1 we bought him a cuddly donkey with various buttons, zips etc on his clothes. The ones that teach you how to do the fastenings. He was never overly fussed with it. Until we suggested he let DS2 have it now. DS1 was 3, DS2 was 1 so their ages meant we should pass it on. All of a sudden it was DS1s favourite toy. He cried and got so upset that we bought a different version for DS2.
DS1 is 21 now and Donkey still sleeps on his bed

I had a similar age gap between mine and a friend with older kids who’d seen it all before sent me a little tikes toddler seesaw after my DC2 was born to encourage them to want to play together. It was such a thoughtful gift and DC1 was so excited at the idea of being able to play with their little sibling. Obviously they couldn’t for quite a while so they played on it with their friends but we always encouraged sharing and collaboration as being a positive thing. They would have their own toys which were age appropriate but some of the big things were a joint present such as a Wii when they were older or a kindle fire with time limits per child so they could each have 20 minutes a day. It helped them understand screen time limits too when they could see a sibling was waiting for a turn. There are also some collaborative board games such as The Little Orchard where they work together to stop the crow stealing all the fruit from the tree. Ultimately life is easier and more fun, particularly on holiday if they like their siblings and are happy playing with them.

Forget the kids. Is everything in your house completely shared between you and your husband? You wouldn’t get upset if he took your phone to work, or used your makeup, or took your pillow? I’d go nuts if DH used my pillow (it’s a fancy one so others don’t work for me).

Kids need to have stuff that is theirs, their special things that they don’t have to share. We always taught there’s a few things that don’t have to be shared - usually favourite teddies or dolls. Other stuff is theirs but they should let siblings play with it too. Other stuff is the families. Big box of brio or Lego or art stuff.

It gives the kid security that their most special thing won’t get damaged.

Family toys and individual toys here. But my kids have a larger age gap so things that are suitable for the older one (fiddly lego sets, robots, craft sets) aren't suitable for the younger one.

The biggest problem we have is the older one nabbing the younger one's new toys under the guise of 'helping'. "I was just helping her set it up", he claims, as she shrieks indignantly.

I don't really stress over toy fights though. My kids enjoy snatching toys and chasing each other round the house and whacking each other over the head and telling on each other, it's one of their methods of bonding.

I have two children 15 months apart. It really helped that my DS was very mellow.
when my DD was very young he would want to play with what she had. I got him to give her something else if he wanted her toy.
As she got older sometimes they both wanted the same toy. I used to offer them solutions, taking turns, one playing with something different and so on. I spent a good deal of time supporting them while they learned to share.
After a year the problem came up again and I asked DS if he could think of a way forward. He said no. So I said okay, I would take the toy away, which I did. It was never a problem again. They are very close now so it didn’t hurt them.

YABVU.

We had toys that were family toys - ball, blocks, Lego, play kitchen with its pots and whatnot, board games, the wii, jigsaws, and all paints and paintbrushes and art stuff. Books were communal too.

Everything else was individual toys, and I insisted that the DCs respected each other's private property. I also insisted they not touch my stuff (clothes, bags, shoes, makeup, perfume, jewellery, etc. Despite having four girls, there were never any issues with 'borrowing' clothes or makeup or hair dryers/ curlers, etc.

Nobody should have to share and never feel secure that they have possessions. What exactly would you see as the benefit of this setup?

A bit of both, so I can't vote in your poll.

We had things like the block box was shared, the swing and slide set was shared, the craft box was shared - but they also had their own things that they were allowed to keep special to themselves. They could share them if they wanted to but they didn't have to.

I Agree with everything you said funnily enough. Maybe I should have specified it in my original post, I thought it was obvious but I guess not - personal possessions and toys are two different things..

each child would of course have their own bikes, clothes, favourite cuddly toy, hobby equipment etc. Toys like balls, play kitchens, Lego’s etc would be family toys to be shared.

We have several kids different ages 15 down to 3 yr old and they all have there own bits and bobs and they have there sharing ones. Don't agree with they have to share everything because every single one is into something different and they happily share when they feel like it anyhow. They've been brought up it's nice to share but they don't always have to and if a sibling doesn't wish to share them there's plenty of other toys to play with in that moment

To achieve your way so to speak, everything in the house (yours and your husband’s things included) need to be communal property. There are cultures where everything is shared but from a western perspective it’s experienced as light theft. Otherwise sharing is just a thing nasty mummy forces upon the kids so that their favourite present gets broken by their sibling - stuff of growing up nightmares

If a toy was given to one child it is their toy to share or not share as they wish. If it is a joint toy bought for both to share then it’s a shared toy.

I was made to share some toys I loved and wanted to keep and my much younger sister broke them. I’m still upset/annoyed about it now 25 years later.

Its about distinction. The children should share any family toys, like if you buy a board game. The children should be encouraged to share their own toys but they should be allowed not to.

People take good care of things that are theres and there are good lessons they can learn. Like consequences or not sharing, responsibility for looking after things, negotiation for exchanging toys, why helping yourself is wrong.

When the kids start digging in your handbag, youll tell them they cant have stuff in there becauae its not theirs. They should have the same rights over their things as adults imo.

Since the OP very graciously agreed several posts back that posters had a point, & also clarified that she didn’t expect everything to be shared, I expect she’s left the thread by now. I would have if I was her.

Honestly I’m surprised people are still commenting, but I am reading them! I appreciate every point of view, apart from the odd rude comment..

I can’t believe neither myself nor my husband thought of doing a mix, seems quite silly now because it’s such an obvious answer, but the post has done exactly what I needed it to by providing us with a good approach to take in the future😊

We had two dc close together in age and had a mixture of shared toys (generally bigger things) and personal toys. That said, they were mainly stored together in their shared bedroom, but they generally remembered what belonged to who. We encouraged sharing, which generally went ok, but didn't force it.

There is a much bigger age gap with my kids, 4yo nearly 5 and 20 months. All children should be encouraged to share toys but if it is a particular child's toy for Xmas or birthday then ultimately it is theirs and their decision if they want to share or not. Luckily with our age gap my youngest plays mostly with outgrown toys from the eldest. But both of ours are encouraged to share and do. If one broke one of the others it would get replaced if possible and then wouldn't let the breaker play with it again unless an accident

I know you have reassessed by now but just to throw into the mix that there are less natural consequences which is a v effective learning tool with small children if nothing is 'theies' Say one loves to play with dolls and the other also plays with them but in a very different way, parachuting them down the stairs or whatever. You then end up with one v upset child when doll loses a leg or gets scribbled all over (the age gap comes into this too, they will be at different stages of play) while the other doesn't particularly care, the doll meant nothing to them. If it's your own toy you take care of it or face the consequences of mishandling it, that doesn't apply if most toys are shared so what do you do? Put in a consequence for breaking their siblings favourite toy? But then you ARE dividing them into toys belonging to one particular child.
Also re the age gap is safety. Considering a big tub of Lego as communal makes sense once both child are old enough to play with it, but the older one might be proficient with the small Lego pieces before you are comfortable letting the younger one use it. Plus one child could be into building as per the instructions and keeping the model on display while the other want to break everything down and start from scratch next time building from their imagination

Growing up with a sister, we always had joint toys and then our own things that suited our personalities, ages, wants etc. For example, one year we received a PlayStation for the two of us at Christmas (my parents could never have afforded one each and we only had one TV) but I likes arts and crafts and my sister liked train sets so that sort of thing would be seperate. Things like board games would always be a joint present, but then we would have our own cds and ask to borrow n eachother. I think it’s important to find a balance where you teach sharing, but also about having/ looking after your own things and respecting other peoples property.

Sharing is good and that is the default.
Learning to share is civilised.

Special toys are different and children can choose to never share their most precious toys. Good to put them away when cousins come to play, or allow friend to look at toy etc but not pick it up..

Nailed it. I have twins and an older one, with 2 1/2 years gap. A great many things are an uphill struggle, emotionally and logistically (!), but I have to say that it’s rare that we have arguments over toys.

So for us, things like magna tiles/duplo/random cars get thrown in a box and are 'family toys'. But things like the older one's yoto and kiddie camera is one of his special toys, and the others will have to ask. And for teddies etc. Have you read, "it's ok not to share?" It's really great to dip in and out of, and even if you don't agree with some of the ideas, it brought things up we'd never considered before and DH and I had some really interesting discussions.